Chapter Text
Sunday morning. Normally Max would sleep until some yummy odors coming from baked waffles or other tasty batter-based food would wake her up. Her pops was the one most often standing in the kitchen and preparing their late sunday breakfast whistling some tunes and clattering with the dishes. But this time it was different. After this dream she couldn’t fall asleep again. Most of the time she wouldn’t remember anything at all. This one instead was so strange. It felt if all things were going reverse, like playing an old analog super 8 spool backwards on high speed. A bottle which had shattered into a million pieces would jump back into solid state and was again in perfect shape. But thats not what had awaken her. It was the voice. Her hair on her arm still stood on edge when she thought about how and what it had said. It was more like a scream, but the voice sounded so familiar, she almost recognized it, but everytime she thought she got it, things were slipping… It had shouted:
„Max!“
She almost jumped out of bed. Downstairs there were some rushed footsteps and a concerned voice coming: „Hey sweetie, everything fine? Sorry, i thought you were already awake!“
She grunted some acknowledgements and tried to get up from the ground. As usual she was sleeping with her blanket folded tightly around her like a cocoon. After peeling herself out of the chrysalis she felt like a butterfly emerging for the first time, stretching and hardening its wings, in her case trying to stay steady and keep the blood from flowing back into her feet. She shuffled slowly to the bathroom and splashed some water onto her face. Max trotted downstairs after slipping into her favorite hoodie still keeping the pyjama on underneath.
--
Ryan thought about the time when he moved out from his parents and remembered a mixture of emotions like the thrill for the unknown, being proud to be independent and the pushed aside insecurity leaving the safe and beloved home and family behind. He watched Max coming down the stairway looking at his daughter with a love and pride which seemed to culminate in that exact moment. Though he was smiling broadly he felt some tears tickling down his cheeks and stubble. They had gone thru so much over the last years as a family: loosing their house (tnx GFC) in Arcadia bay, his parents-in-law dying of cancer, Vanessa trying to get a new job and finally Max diagnosed in the autistic spectrum dealing with anxiety issues. As the scenes fast forwarded in his head it felt like a cheap script for an average reality show. He blinked away the tears and remembered how they as a family got thru these tough and rough times not always being nice to each other and sometimes on edge. But they had grown and their love and comprehension for each other was stronger than ever. Now they faced a complete new stage of life. Totally different for Max than for him and Vanessa as a couple and parents. He almost felt like time stood still when his daughter trotted down the stairs. He sniffed shortly and had to stiffle a laugh when he saw how Max way of dressing or almost absence of makeup doesn’t have changed over the years and he never challenged or questioned that. On the contrary he loved how she didn’t care about so called fashion or ‚gender typical‘ stuff. At the same time he realized that Max was more introverted and paler than ever as if she had seen a real ghost. He immediately switched gear to not involuntarily hurt her.
–
Max was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t saw the full emotional palette on her fathers face during that time she needed to slump down. When she abruptely reached the end of the stairway she was so surprised that she stumbled and was caught by her father just in time. As she looked up in surprise she had to blink several times because his face was a mixture of so many emotions and streaks of tears that she wondered if her gaze was still cloudy from the dream or the bump on her floor. He must have noticed the irritated look on her face because he started: „Hey Maxine…“ – she noticed that he was falling back to her birth name despite the fact that he knew she wanted to be called „Max“ since…
one day long ago she was coming back heated and tired but happy playing pirates all day with Chloe as she excitedly babbled to her parents that from now on she wanted to be called ‚Long Max Silver‘ or ‚Max‘ for short. She smiled amused when thinking back to that memory, but there was more behind that maybe seemingly childish temporarily behaviour or wish. Later in her teens when she had time to think about her identity and recognized what she always felt but never dared to express that she never wanted to play, dress or be like the stereotypical girl she saw in school, tv or books. She eventually found this „tag“ that helped her to accept herself as she was: non-binary. As unknown and exotic it first sounded, as she had found it on the internet she liked it and it encouraged her to be, dress and do stuff she wanted to do.
But she still hadn’t talked to anyone about it yet and kept it a secret even before her parents which gave her a little stab cause they knew about the reasoning behind her decision to be called Max. Normally she could talk about everything with her dad. Maybe now was the time? But it seemed he needed some space first to explain his current state of mind to her.
–
„… i didnt wanted to scare you, but i am so overwhelmed by emotions due to you spreading your wings and flying for yourself. I am so proud of you what you achieved. That you learned to express yourself and stand to your decisions. And make this life long dream a reality and study photography by leaving your safe nest.“ He couldn’t help it but hug her impulsively despite better knowledge that she only allowed and could tolerate direct touch when there was consensus given beforehand or she wanted it on her own. She returned the embrace weakly but steadily nevertheless. He slowly let go of her and once again realized her disorientation and possible anxiety? There was something he thought they had overcome with therapy and long talks but he could be misinterpreting it and it maybe was just her having a bad dream.
--
So it was his nostalgic memories and emotions that brought back „Maxine“ and she felt a strong aura of love and heat radiating from her father when he hugged her which she tried to gave back due to knowing that he needed it now. She knew what he meant and that there were also hard times for him and her mother. It wasn’t easy for them and Max wasn’t always the „perfect“ child. She remembered leaving school and wasn’t able to join for a long time. It all unfolded before her and step by step she was able to know her limits, show her limits and get back her life in way her family could cope with. There was still this guilt in the back of her head which still lingered there even if she had talked and worked with the counselor in her therapy. It hit her like a ball on the back of her head as she suddenly recognized the voice from her dream. She exclaimed:
--
Ryan wasn’t sure what to say or react as he saw all this turmoil inside his daughter. Was she thinking about Blackwell and all the new people, her own room in the dorm or the new classes she would take? But he had a faint idea what she was thinking about and knew that Max had to tackle this part of her old life in the new phase that was coming with force. Sometimes you needed to come to terms with the past to start a new chapter. In a low and very cautious voice he said simultaneously with Max:
--
„Chloe?!“
They both looked at each other as if the other was crazy and had just said: „Gugelhupf?!“
At the same time they know each other so well and realized their different winding paths of the respective thoughts which came to the same conclusion that they began to giggle and shouted together:
„Jinx, bring me a cookie!“
Before Max could counter spell, Ryan proactively surrendered by saying:
„Okay you won! How about belgian waffles with strawberries instead?“
--
Now Max realized how hungry she was and her stomach grumbled in anticipation. She took a seat at the table, grabed a fork and knife and demanded by rhythmically stomping and banging on the table: „Waffles! Waffles! Waffles!“, feeling like a kid again. Carefree, living in the moment, getting things out of the system. But the memory wasn’t all rose-tinted, there was always this nagging feeling to be different, this overwhelming outside world, all these complex, frightening and incomprehensible social interactions. Only Chloe was giving her this safe haven, this unconditional love and being protective like a big – sister? She remembered being in fact Williams and Joyce second child in a way which didn’t bother them or her parents. On the contrary they loved her as much as Chloe and were happy that they had so much fun together knowing that Max & Chloe would mostly balance each other out. Chloe being the more adventurous and cocky one being throttled by Max with her more introverted and geeky manners and of course the other way round. Thinking about Chloe and William gave her a stabbing pain throwing her back into the cold reality. Leaving her with the aftermath of the dream and her deep buried guilt.
--
„Hey wowhh, even Capt’n Bluebeard and Long Max Silver hadn’t raided Bloody Bill that hard!“
Ryan noticed immediately when he brought Max the waffles with strawberries and cream that she still struggled with her conscience leaving Chloe and the death of William. He sat down besides her and took a strawberry looking at it deliberately.
--
„William was a wonderful father, husband and friend. I always felt you were there at home, i never felt jealous or abandoned by you because i know that you felt safe, loved and understood.“
He sighed deeply and slowly ate the strawberry with some added cream while giving her a side look to check how she was doing.
„I know you and Chloe were like“, he searched for words, „inseparable? Like Marcie and Peppermint Patty from the peanuts?“
„Ouch! I am afraid i deserved that, right?“, he chuckled rubbing his shinbone were Max had kicked him under the table. With satisfaction he saw how Max lightened up a bit as she began eagerly shoving the waffles trio into her watering mouth.
„Af leefss ei wüll müss urr buukinn schkillz“, she mumbled while energy was flowing again thru her as she munched away the delicious breakfast.
When she finally settled down and slowly came to a halt, Ryan looked at her seriously:
„I know you still blame yourself, but please give your friendship a chance with a fresh new start. I know Chloe have dealt with alot but she will understand what you experienced in the meantime.“
--
How much she made herself believe that this would be the case there still was this voice back inside her head that said: „YOU ARE NOT WORTHY!“ And how she loved to push things aside till they were buried and invisible. There were so many new things and topics to focus on and she had to deal with: new people and new environment but also her favourite passion Photography which will compensate everything. Everything?
--
„Do you think i will fit in and find new friends?“, she asked hesitantly and slowly cleaned her mouth from the waffle remains with a napkin.
Her father looked at her sideways and said: „Well, you seem to be good friends with Kristen and Fernando, as to what i’ve been told about your adventure at the Fremont troll…“
This time he was quicker and anticipated her reaction by moving some feet backwards with his stool so she missed him by some inches theatrically replying: „Haha, i know who the weak link is and this will have consequences for them!“
--
Internally though she felt how this dark voice wouldn’t miss the opportunity by taunting: ‚See, when you will be a busy and respected student in Arcadia Bay, there will be no time for poor Kristen, she will end up like Chloe. ALONE AND UNLOVED!“
–
As if he would have heard her inner monologue Ryan said: „Well, small steps, Max, small steps….“
He tried to switch topics by saying: „So your 18th birthday is coming up, maybe thats an idea to make some new friends?“
--
On the hand she welcomed the distraction and his attempt to comfort her, but on the other hand they both knew too well how Max birthday „parties“ have been as a kid till they agreed on only inviting Chloe and maybe one or two other chosen friends that were initiated upfront like Kristen. Before her eye she vividly visualized a long „forgotten“ and repressed scene where in retrospective she had a „classic“ autistic shutdown and were not able to communicate or go anywhere and hid in her room. It was still in Arcadia Bay and Chloe was her only rescue and shielded her. She even was able to report it to Vanessa Max’s mum and even got back to Max and helped by only being there. They knew each other so long and understood each other without any words. And Chloe knew how to tease Max but also knew her limits and also protected her later when she was bullied in school. She was like a big sister to her but when she thought about it now Chloe never had any boy friends either. She also thought she was hmmm, the more she thought about it, she wouldn’t be surprised if she would date girls? But her line of thought was interrupted as her dad realized what he had just said.
–
„Sorry, i think someone need to apologize here for forgetting how special my little girl is…“ he tried to tease her with a big smile, but was immediately cut off when he had to duck for a napkin which looked like a canonball which flew in his direction.
„Little girl? Special? I’ll show you what it will look like when an old man is trying to desparately reach his ‚special little girl‘ with his inline skates“, she laughed getting up cleaning the table.
After they got home from a heated but fun skate chase they relaxed with some fresh selfmade lemonade.
Ryan acknowledged still slightly out of breath: „Okay, okay, i surrender and i will check with my boss if i can retire early.“ His mocking tone got more serious as Max realized when he picked up where they indirectly left off before: „But what should i call you then?“
Max didn’t know if he maybe knew or suspected something regarding how she felt as being „a girl“ or called „Maxine“. Surely he was good in sensing emotions and getting small hints. And now she realized his subtle statements like ‚learned to express yourself’ and her friendship with Chloe as being like between ‚Marcie and Peppermint Patty‘? Wasn’t there a theory that they both were a lesbian couple? She was glad that he couldn’t see how she blushed because the aftermath of the chase covered it. But they were BFFs, right? And they where young and they knew each other for ages like in and out, so? She hadn’t dated a girl either and to her knowledge her dad knew that also, but maybe he thought she was a ‚late bloomer’ or whatever that might be called. But she knew her dad too well so he wouldn’t make such statements. So this would be the right time, to tell him about her feelings? or rather being? non-binary? Was she already at this point? What would he say?
She hesitantly replied: „Dad, a long time ago i wanted to be called Max and you all respected that without questioning and i thank you for that.“ She made a pause and exhaled, is this whats called ‚coming out‘? She continued: „I…“, when she was interrupted by the doorbell sound. They both looked a little bit in a kind of uneasieness everywhere but not at each other as her father finally stood up and got to the entrance.
A little bit relieved that she got that easy out of this situation she listened to the whispering from the entry. She knew that she would have to face this decision and coming-out situation one way or the other but she didn’t needed to decide or explain now. Of course she recognized the voice of her mother and in the back of her head there formed this typical childrens knowledge that the parents were talking about a present for her. She tried to force her not to listen to not spoil the moment for all of them out of traditional practise, but she was rescued by the bell again as a friend of her mother picked Vanessa up to go together to a nearby town meeting.