Chapter Text
He Xuan used to think he was a man with two faces- a perfect disguise crafted through layers of perfect deception. The facade built around the real monster that slumbered beneath. Starved and waiting until it would be set free, to rip apart everything in its wake.
He believed that the vengeance he craved was the true essence of his being, and that once he claimed victory, avenged and destroyed, he would simply reach an end. A beast satiated.
Whether that end looked like fading into nothingness or being cast into another unknown hell of no return- it would be a rightful conclusion to the misery that was his existence. Still, an end he would’ve met with his true face.
But that’s not what happened.
He lingers.
The world dragging him back, like waves that can never endure the inevitable pull of the dark sea, no matter how far they try to escape.
And three years later, when the culmination of decades of deception was supposed to have ended on that night of blood and destruction, He Xuan can’t deny it- that he was wrong.
Because he knows now, that he wasn’t a man who wore two faces.
Because he knows now, that his existence had already come down to all but a comparison- before and after.
Before and after him.
That there were moments at a point in time, when He Xuan hadn’t known who he was. When he hadn’t minded that.
Moments when he wasn’t Ming Yi or He Sheng or He Xuan or any other face he recognized.
If he was brave enough to admit the truth, he would admit that the only time he had felt the taste of joy, of a kind of serenity that came naturally with feeling alive, was when he was lost.
When the monster wasn’t rattling the cage from within, screaming to be let out and devour.
When no one in the world, including himself knew what or he was. And that was fine. Because in those moments, he spent all of his time desperately trying to see what he saw. The one who stood next to him, always, for decades upon decades.
But He Xuan is a liar and coward. He knows. So he doesn’t think of the times before all of this. Before the lies, the hatred and betrayal. Why it matters, what it means.
He tries not to think at all these days, about why he does the things he does.
He only runs from it all. Trying to escape the pull, desperate not to drown. And yet he knows, that he will inevitably sink. Because after all, it’s when he feels at home.
“Uhm…so would you like to join us for dinner? it’s stew today haha-”
The Prince coughs awkwardly as if he isn’t sure he wants to say those words. He Xuan huffs, looking around Puqi shrine impatiently before stepping in.
“No, I’ll leave soon.”
“Why did you even come then?”
He turns towards the cold voice coming from the man currently facing him with his with back, as he continues chopping vegetables.
He Xuan was hoping he wouldn’t have to deal with him today. Or any day really.
It’s been about two years since Hua Cheng reunited with Xie Lian, and to say that the relationship between the ghost kings has deteriorated...well, He Xuan thinks it must be an understatement.
They speak to each other much less than they used to, and to see each other is even more of a rarity.
He’s convinced himself that it doesn’t matter a long time ago. Whatever partnership they had was borne out of nothing more than mutual benefit. Right from the beginning, it was a business transaction.
“Is there something you wanted to talk about with San Lang?”
He knows what the God is trying to do though. It’s not the first time he has tried to get them to be on “friendly terms again”, as he once put it to He Xuan. And he might have appreciated the effort, if only it wasn’t so ridiculously obvious, and, most importantly, pointless. On the list of things Hua Cheng cares about other than the Prince…He Xuan isn’t even sure he makes the list anymore.
It doesn’t matter. It’s not why he’s here. There’s only one thing he’s always here for and, once he’s done, he will leave again. Same as always.
Xie Lian gestures for him to take a seat and brings them tea as they settle on the floor.
“I came for the usual.” He looks at the cup in his hands suspiciously for moment before taking a sip.
“I see, okay. Winter’s close huh.” Xie Lian gives him a small smile as he takes his own cup in hand.
“Hmm.”
Seemingly bored of his job at the counter, Hua Cheng walks over and settles himself down next to Xie Lian, leaning back lazily on his elbows.
He Xuan looks up and stares at him with abandon, since he’s not looking at him anyway.
He really, really doesn’t want to do this with him here.
With a sense of dread building up in his gut, He Xuan closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing deeply.
No way around it. Might as well finish quickly and leave.
“Leave the winter goods to me. All of it. I’ll leave them close to the hut since I already left them on the street the last time.”
“…Anything else?”
“No.”
“…”
They have an arrangement, the Crown Prince and him. Or at least that’s all He Xuan ever acknowledges this to be.
When the Prince doesn’t respond again, he opens his eyes to find him watching him.
Ah.
There it is.
He knows it well, that look. It’s how the God looks at him every time he’s spoken to him after all.
Pity. Disapproval. Disappointment.
And every time, it makes something in the pit of He Xuan’s stomach lurch, with a feeling so strong he suddenly feels suffocated though he doesn’t need air.
The feeling, prickling his throat and sending sharp bolts of pain shooting through his skull. Everything turns just a little darker for a moment, in a world that already feels wrong and unbearable...
Stop.
He knows he should, before he loses bearing of himself and where he is. Has to force it all down, deeper and deeper, into the abyss of a man that he is. Heart, mind and body indistinguishable.
He takes another deep breath as he closes his eyes once again. Feeling the air flow through him only to remind himself of who he is.
When he opens his eyes, he feels like himself again. Hollow.
“Just make sure he doesn’t know.”
When he speaks, his voice is unfeeling.
“I know. I will. But are you sure you...”
Xie Lian looks at him again as though he can find some answers on He Xuan’s face. But of course, there’s nothing to be seen. This is usually the point the prince looks away, gives up and they part their ways once again.
But this time, he speaks.
“He Xuan are you sure you won’t you just meet him, once? You’ve been doing this for so long I think you- “
“That’s none of your concern.”
He cuts him off coldly. He doesn’t need this. Not today.
“Watch your tone.”
Hua Cheng decides to finally turn to He Xuan, a murderous glint in his eye. They look at each other for a few moments, a dark silence settling inside the hut.
“Now, now…”
The God tries, pathetically, to salvage something out this broken conversation.
But He Xuan knows; he is no longer welcome here and neither is anything else he has to say to Xie Lian.
He gets up to leave and as he is about to step out, he hears,
“I think he wants to see you.”
He Xuan turns back to look at the God one last time, and finds something in his expression he doesn’t understand. He certainly doesn’t want to stay to find out.
Before he turns back around, he catches Hua Cheng’s eye still focused on him.
His gaze sharp and clear in its message: ‘Figure yourself out, before you come back here.’
He Xuan walks away.
He steps through an array, into the only darkness he’s familiar with.
Sounds of raging waves fill his ears as he walks and walks, stumbles and then sinks to the depths of the black waters.
Sounds that fade into monotony until all he hears, feels and sees is nothing.
Here, he doesn’t need to know why he’s doing this.
Here, he doesn’t need to think, doesn’t need to know.
He doesn’t need to know, why all he thinks about above ground, is how the breeze feels on his face. How it reminds him of a laugh and tastes like sunshine.
Here, he can dream of it.
“Ming Xiong, Ming Xiong!!”
“Come on, just one more time! You know I would do anything in return.”
“Ming Xioonng, won’t you drink with me? it’s such a lovely night.”
“Hey…hey did you know? you’re my best friend forever! Did you hear? I promise!”