Chapter Text
Jun-wan inserts the needle into the vial of vaccine, takes the right amount of fluid, lets out some air, then turns to the little patient who stares at him with wide black eyes, snuggling up against his mother's body. The doctor smiles as the fearful child looks at the syringe first then at him. He quickly injects the vaccine on the kid’s shoulder with a light and stable touch.
“That's it, Tahir. - he whispers to him in English, then turning to the young mother. - The side effects of the vaccine are relatively minor and quickly solved. Tahir may experience pain, redness and swelling at the injection site, but it's nothing serious. He'll be fine."
“Thanks Dr. Kim. God bless you!"
Mother and son get out of the tiny room leaving Jun-wan alone, who takes the opportunity to finally get up from his chair and stretch his legs, before moving on a new little patient. A blonde head suddenly peeps into the room accompanied by the sound of cups and the unmistakable aroma of coffee.
"What about a break?" - the crystalline voice of Susan Lewis, his American colleague and also medical director of the clinic, sounds cheerful and lively as she raises the cup in a sort of toast.
"Who did it?"
The woman rolls her eyes and snorts a laugh.
"Don't worry Seonsaengnim, this is Romano’s coffee."
"Okay then, coffee it is."
The woman approaches his desk and places one of the cups in front of Jun-wan face, then she takes a seat close to him.
"No sugar, right?"
He looks at her sideways.
"I was joking. You're definitely a two sugar type."
Jun-wan tastes the coffee and raises his thumb upwards.
"Have you heard the news?"
"What news? I've been locked up here for hours. What's up?"
“It looks like we'll have visitors next week. - she adds after taking a long sip. - A formal one... A group of inspectors is on the way. Did you sell us out Seonsaengnim? "
Jun-wan raises an eyebrow and pushes his glasses up his nose.
"Not yet. Maybe I should, given your repeated attempts to poison me."
"I don't think my American coffee can be considered a poison."
"Let them judge."
The blonde giggles.
“Okay, no more Dr. Lewis' American coffee for you. - she promises by raising her hands. - Scout's honor."
“Thanks Akela. - then noticing her serious look. - Are you worried?"
“I don't like not knowing. And I don't understand what this inspectors are going to do here. Why now?"
"Has this never happened before?"
"No. And I don't really like it."
“Well, there can be a thousand reasons. What on earth could they find wrong here? "
Susan lets out a tense laugh.
"Well let's say we don't pay particular attention to bureaucracy."
"Meaning?"
"We don't ask who are the people we’re helping."
“Quite normal. We are doctors, we save lives. We're not the police."
“I know, you're preaching to the choir. But the inspectors, well they're not doctors, aren't they?"
Jun-wan sighs.
Bureaucrats.
"Don't worry Susan, everything will be fine."
He really believe so
“I hope you're right. - then pointing to his back. - How are you?"
"Better."
A white lie. Because his back is still hurts, but he can actually handle the pain.
"When the other day you almost fainted from the pain, I had to tackle Romano. He was already ready to give you a discectomy on the canteen table."
"I know, he's a particularly enthusiastic orthopedic surgeon."
She laughs, then gets serious again.
“Please don't overdo it, okay? I admire your dedication, but I need you in one piece. We are already understaffed, if you feel bad we're fuc... ehm done."
"Isn't working in Ethiopia so trendy anymore? "
"Nope. You know, Beverly Hills is back on the ridge. When we heard of you, we uncorked the sparkling wine!" - she admits.
He replies with a barely hinted smile.
“So please take care, we need you. Copy? "
"Copy."
“With a CV like yours you could have hoped for a completely different career and yet you have chosen us, you are a blessing. - then without waiting for a comment. - Career is not everything, I know. I gave it up myself. I came here 10 years ago after working in the main Chicago Hospital for ages, just before my promotion. I could have been the director of the ER, but I quit. Everyone told me I was crazy. But I was tired of a society that puts profit above everything. Of a country that requires those who cannot afford health insurance to choose which finger to save. I thought that here I could make a difference, that I could help those in need, regardless of their social status, bank account or political affiliation… Does it make sense to you?"
"Absolutely. I think it's the essence of our job. We often forget it, hypnotized by prestige, money and success. - he admits. - But the real reason for choosing this profession is the possibility of saving lives. There can be no other reason.”
"Yes. And here, despite all the shortcomings and limitations, I really feel I am a doctor."
He nods in recognition.
A really good one, Susan.
The woman finishes drinking her coffee, so she gets up.
"I'll leave you to the last patients."
"Thanks for the coffee and above all for not poisoning me."
"Um, it's too early to tell."
"Good day Akela."
"By the way. Actually, I was a Boy Scouts’ leader."
"I had no doubt."
"Annyeong Dr. Kim!"
Jun-wan greets her with a hand while she disappears from behind the door, and he can't help but smile to himself. He does not know why Dr. Lewis, one of the most authoritative and respected doctors active in Ethiopia, has taken a shine to him and does not miss an opportunity to help and support him. He has been in Adis Abeba for six months now, but despite the warm welcome of doctors, nurses and locals, he still feels like a fish out of water sometimes.
He instinctively places a hand on his pocket, in a kind of comforting gesture. He does not have time now to read, for the hundredth time, the letter he jealously guards as a relic, but the mere fact of having it with him makes him feel good.
Safe.
For months he traveled with that envelope in his pocket, without daring to open it. It took him 334 days 9 hours and 55 minutes to decide to do it, and then another two weeks to find the courage to read the contents.
It happened. At the end of a very long day at the clinic, sitting on the porch, he had found the strength to read what Ik-sun had written him months before. And now, every night before sleeping, the ritual is repeated: he reads those lines in a low voice before falling asleep. He reads again and again, waiting to be strong enough to answer her.
He won't do it today. Maybe not even tomorrow.
But he will.
He knows.
Seven months earlier - Seoul
“Thanks Jun-wan. - Song-hwa says, stroking the huge teddy bear. - I'm glad you came to see us. "
"I had to make sure that little Mi-Sun really looked like you, as Andrea told me."
Ik-jun rolled his eyes.
“It's always a pleasure to see you Jun-wan. I really mean it, comes to visit us whenever you want. Have a good trip! - the liver surgeon replies sulking.
“But he's just arrived. - the new mother says immediately. - Don't be touchy! - then she lowering her voice and approaching his friend. - She looks like me, right? "
"Yup. Thank goodness."
The neurosurgeon's eyes sparkle with amusement and Jun-wan can't help but notice how radiant she is. The motherhood gave her a special light that he had never seen in her before.
“Would you like a cup of coffee or tea? "
"Coffee is fine."
"I'll handle that." - Ik-jun says moving towards the kitchen.
"Behave yourself. - he says to his daughter kissing her head. - Uncle Jun-wan is not that bad. "
The little girl closes her eyes and yawns in respond.
Song-hwa, holding Mi-Sun, and Jun-wan move to the living room and sit on the sofa.
"How are you?"
"I'm fine now, you?"
"Very tired, but happy." - she says looking at her daughter who is falling asleep in her arms.
"She is really beautiful."
The woman smiles pleased, then she looks up and studies her friend's face looking for any signs of discomfort and, not finding any, she smiles reassured. In her heart she feared this moment, their meeting at the beginning of pregnancy was still engraved in her memory. So when she received his message, after an initial moment of joy, she felt worry.
How would Jun-wan react meeting their baby girl? Would it awaken pain and anger? Ik-jun and Song-hwa had been wondering for a long time, but in the end they thought that the joy of meeting Jun-wan after a long time would allow them to face any problem. And now here they are sitting together, after so much time and so much pain.
Close again.
Friends again.
"I am happy you're here." - Song-hwa's eyes sparkle. - I missed you so much."
“I missed you too. - he admits and shakes her hand. - And I'm fine. Don't worry."
The two friends look at each other.
"Do you want to keep her?" - she asks out of the blue.
She doesn't know why she proposed it to him, usually she doesn't like other people picks up the baby besides her and Ik-jun. Not in her first weeks of life. Yet she knows it's the right thing to do.
Jun-wan blinks in surprise, then smiles with his eyes sparkling with joy. Song-hwa turns to him and puts her daughter in his arms. Min-Sun just sighs with satisfaction.
Jun-wan looks at hers plump, rosy face and his lips widen into a smile that has been missing from his face for too long. He brings the little girl's body close to his chest and begins to rock her slowly: his heart full of tenderness and his eyes bright with emotion.
“Hi Mi-Sun. - he whispers softly. - I'm Uncle Jun-wan, your brother Uju calls me snow crab samchon... And you, how you will call me?"
"Prick!" - Ik-jun says, arriving at that very moment with the coffee.
Jun-wan glares at him while the little girl emits a small moan.
“I know, Mi-Sun. - he says in the same sweet tone. - Your father is an idiot, but you have to love him anyway, okay?"
The three friends finally giggle calmly.
The next two hours pass quickly between light chats, laughter, anecdotes of surgery and pregnancy, as if time had crystallized and magically erased the pain and suffering.
The sound of the door code interrupts their chatter and brings them back to reality: Jeong-won and Seok-hyung appear in the doorway with a huge smile on their faces and a couple of paper bags.
Jun-wan looks first at them and then at Song-hwa with a questioning look.
"Aren't you hungry?"
Jun-wan nods.
"I'm starving."
"I ordered you fries and two 1955 Burgers."
"Do you know that I love you?"
"And you still don’t know what’s for dessert." - Ik-jun adds, getting up to welcome the other two.
“Here there are soju and beers at will” - explains Seok-hyung placing the envelope on the table.
Jun-wan looks at his watch, he has calculated to stop only a couple of hours with them and return to Sokcho with the 8pm bus.
"Do not worry. - Andrea reassures him noting his expression. - I'll take you home. "
"You don't want to leave for Africa without a toast, do you?" Seok-hyung urges him.
"Okay, you won."
"Hurray!" Song-hwa exclaimed.
"I'll help you set the table." - Jeong-won says following Ik-jun into the kitchen.
And there they are, the 99s finally together sharing a meal like old times.
Finally Jun-wan feels that the pieces of his life are slowly returning to their place and, perhaps, one day he will once again be the Jun-wan he was.
He has a long way to go, but today he feels less desperate.
He is still a broken man but he can be fixed.
Maybe someday he can be happy again.
Aid Center for Ethiopia - Adis Abeba
“My mind is always occupied with thoughts of you. I miss you more than I could imagine. - he reads out quietly. - I would like to be your shadow to follow you along the ground on which you walk. I would like to be the water that washes you, the light that gives you shape, I would like my substance to be your substance, that your voice would come out of my throat so that you could caress me from within. I would like to accompany you and help you, love you and find my joy in your laugh. When you need me, you will find me sitting next to you. Always waiting for you. And I would like to be light and suffused when you want to be alone.”
He looks at the last lines of the long letter he wrote to Ik-jun. He has been working on it for weeks and now all he has to do is fold it, puts it in an envelope and have the courage to send it. But he's still not sure he wants to do it. He knows Ik-sun's feelings, he literally consumed the letter she left him in their apartment months ago, and he knows how he feels about her, but he's not sure it's okay to tell her.
Admitting his feelings is one thing, sharing them is another matter.
After what has happened between them, he doesn't know if that's a good idea.
Both suffered deeply, they hurt each other in ways that he didn't think possible and then, he did an unforgivable extreme act: abandon her.
He decided to walk away in the most difficult moment for her, to make her hate him, to get her to erase him, to help her start over. The extreme sacrifice that he thought could save her. But he failed.
She didn't erase him.
She doesn't hate him.
She understood him and still loves him.
She knows why he did what he did.
And now, just as he had not forgotten her when Ik-sun had left him long time ago, she cannot expel him from her soul.
They were made for each other and all attempts to deny this were useless, she wrote to him.
She would love him forever, him and no one else.
And he really hopes it's true.
But he's afraid.
He is afraid of failure again, of hurting her and, this time, losing her forever.
So he sits in the porch undecided about what to do, his heart overflowing with love and fear.
“Seonsaengnim! - Susan suddenly appears from behind a shrub. - I ask for political asylum."- she says holding up a plastic bag.
His boss has a strange expression, between amused and embarrassed.
"Is everything okay?"
“Romano insists on teaching me to dance Argentine tango. I escaped from the canteen. "
Jun-wan raises an eyebrow.
"He likes hopeless challenges."
“Ha ha ha. - she answers sarcastically. - Funny."
"Just realistic. - he specifies. - Maybe he would have a better chance if he taught you how to make a decent coffee."
"Hey! I'm still your boss. "
"Yeah, my boss with a couple of bottles of... beer?"
She shakes her head, a strange smile on her face. She takes two green bottles with red caps out of the bag.
"Soju? - he exclaims enthusiastically. - Where did you manage to find it? "
"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
He smiles and invites her to sit on one of the armchairs next to him.
As she sits down, he looks at the letter one last time, folds it and puts it in the envelope.
She observes him, but doesn't comment.
"What are we toasting?" - the surgeon asks.
“To the dreamers. - she replies with a worried look. - To those who try to change the world."
"Are you worried about the inspectors?" - he asks before toasting.
"Naaaa. - she replies, then she sighs. - Okay a bit. Nothing that a little alcohol can't keep at bay. Cheers.”
They both rattle the bottles, then take a long sip.
"My God! - she exclaims, coughing. - I didn't think it was that strong! "
The heart surgeon chuckles.
"First time huh?"
She makes a face.
"You should try Somaek, then." - he says, then noticing her questioning expression. - Beer and soju mix, so the alcohol content is lowered. "
Jun-wan gets up and moves towards the small kitchen.
"I should have some cans in the fridge."
After a few minutes he comes back with a couple of beers, two glasses and a spoon. He pours a little soju in both, then adds the beer and mixes.
"What are we toasting this time?"
"To awareness."
"Cheers." - they say together.
"What did you suddenly become aware of?" - she asks after a while, intrigued by the unusual toast.
“Of many things. - he says. - About why I chose to come here, about what I really want in my life... About who is important to me."
“Wow. And all this sober? " - she jokes.
“A while ago you asked me why with a resume like mine I chose to come here. I never answered you. "
She looks at him, she knows what happened in Jun-wan's life, it's her job to know the past of her colleagues to understandif they can face the difficulties they will encounter there, but she prefers when they share their story by themselves.
"You don't have to."
"I know it. But I want it. Actually, I don't have noble reasons like yours. - he admits. - At first I was simply looking for an escape from what my life had become after the accident. My career was over, my family as well. I had nothing left. I tried to stay in Korea, but I couldn't really start over. I felt lost. Coming here was an attempt to forget, to start from scratch. I wanted to get away from everything that would remind me of my past, and doing something good in the process. "
"I don't find anything to be ashamed of. On the contrary."
"Actually I think I came to Africa to look for myself."
"How did your research go? Did you succeeded? "
"I think so. Here I understood who I was, who I am and above all who I want to become. Seeing the injustice, poverty and suffering and the dignity of the people here, made me realize how lucky I am. In spite of everything."
“Are you telling me you're leaving? Are you going back to Seoul? "
"No. Not now, at least. - he replies calmly. - Of course I will return home in the future. What I mean is that now I want to stay here. This is my place. As you say, here I can make a difference."
“I'm happy to hear that from you. - she replies with a sincere smile. - I just hope there is a place to stay after the inspectors arrive. "
"Then let's toast to hope."
"To hope."
Six months earlier - Seoul - Jeong-won car
“I am happy that we were able to organize this dinner. - the pediatrician says without taking his eyes off the road. - As soon as Ik-jun told us that you would arrive in Seoul, we asked for a shift change."
"Really? You made me a nice surprise. Thank you."
"Did you think we would let you leave without saying goodbye?"
"Um. I think any excuse is good for eating and drinking. "
“Touché. - Andrea answers chuckling. - Are you ready for this new adventure? "
"Yup."
Jeon-won apparently nods satisfied.
"Good. I'm happy. - he says. - When you asked my help to leave as a volunteer in Africa I was speechless. It's not exactly a Jun-wan thing."
"I know it. But the old Jun-wan no longer exists."
The pediatrician turns to him with a sad expression. Unfortunately he’s right, their lives have changed drastically.
"None of us are the same anymore, aren’t we?" - he adds, looking back at the road.
"Sadly."
The two remain silent for a while, each immersed in their own thoughts. The road to Sokcho is busy at that time of evening.
“I think it's the right thing to do. - the heart surgeon says after a while. - I could be useful there."
"You could be useful here too if you want to come back to Yulje. I would be happy if you accept it."
Jun-wan blinks in surprise.
"I don't think it's a good idea, but thank you for ask."
Andrea looks at him intently, then nods.
"I understand."
"I saw her." - Jun-wan says out of the blue.
The pediatrician looks back at his friend with a surprised look without the strength to say anything. He doesn't want to take the risk of saying something wrong and ruining this rare moment of sharing. So he remains in silence and waits.
"I went to the Mapo district and I saw her."
“Okay, how did it go?”
"There was an event organized by UNHCR in Wau park with a flood of children, ambassadors, testimonials, authorities, but it took me a few seconds to identify her. - he whispers. - I stood watching her from a distance without the courage to do anything but stare. - he admits.- I looked like a stalker."
"I'm sorry."
“She’s beautiful, as usual. She seemed happy among those children. - he adds with a sweet and melancholy expression. - I had to try, you know? But I realized I'm not ready to talk to Ik-sun. I don't even know if I will ever be."
"Is that why you asked me for help?"
"In a sense. I have to try to get away from everything that reminds me of her. If I stay in Korea, if I go back to Ik-jun and Song-hwa, I will always remain trapped in the past."
“You can't undo what happened Jun-wan, I speak from experience. You have to come to terms with what has happened and try to move on. "
The heart surgeon nods.
"I know, but I need some peace. Do you know what I mean?"
Jeong-won knows it very well. He too took time to accept his fate. Luckily he had his family, his friends, and, most of all, his lovely Yoonah by his side. If he had been in Jun-wan's place he probably wouldn't have made it.
“I hated you so much, you know? - he says. - I hated you, I cursed you... I cursed you and God because you were safe and Gyeo-ul instead... My Gyeo-ul... - he stops for a moment. - I thought I would hate you forever. But then I realized I was wrong, hating you wouldn't help me get better, quite the contrary. And then the truth came out, I listened to your message, but by then I had already stopped hating you. It took a while to understand it and above all to accept that all I have of Gyeo-ul is the past, the memories. Along with the pain there are also so many wonderful memories that I want to hold on to. So I focused on those to start over."
"I hope to succeed too. I'm trying, really. Going to Africa is an attempt in this sense. Do you know what I mean?"
“Yes and I'm on your side my friend. I hope you can find some peace."
Aid Center for Ethiopia - Adis Abeba
"Open your mouth a little more Halima, that's good. - Jun-wan adjusts the laryngoscope to check that everything is fine. - Now let's check your ears too, okay? - he adds gently, taking the otoscope and moving to the side.
“Everything is fine here. - he says looking at the little girl sitting in front of him. - Are you sure your head and throat hurt?
She looks at him seriously and nods, her dark curls swaying in front of her eyes.
“Are you really, really sure? - he insists tilting his head to the side. - This is the third time this week that you come to get checked. Aren't you here for candies?"
"Nooo. I am very sick. " - she exclaims in a dramatic tone.
"And what disease would you have? "
"I don't know, you are the doctor Dr. K."
Jun-wan chuckles, the little girl in front of him is just over four years old but she has already a gab that can embarrass an adult. She almost seems like a tiny and feminine version of himself.
He loves her.
And it seems that even the little girl likes him. Jun-wan doesn't know why, but since his arrival, Halima visits him every day in the clinic, in the canteen, sometimes he finds her in front of his place. At the beginning he did not know how to behave, then Susan explained him that the child's mother had died in childbirth there and, having no family, the nuns had welcomed and raised her. In short, the clinic was her home and the doctors a bit like her family.
"Does Sister Mary know that you're here?"
“She dosen't need to know, I'm big now. I know how to take care of myself. "
"Sure. However, I believe that with your mysterious illness, you can't have candies today. "
She frowns at him and pouts.
“I believe your diagnosis is incorrect. - she says solemnly crossing her arms. - I'll consult another doctor."
"Okay." - Jun-wan watches her come out of her study and can't help but laugh.
"Hey. Hi Halima. What's that face?" - Susan greets the little girl at the door and then looks at Jun-wan with a questioning expression.
"No candies today." - the heart surgeon explains.
"Oh. She took it well, huh? "
“Her teeth will thank me. - he replies. - Is everything okay with the bureaucrats? Do you need something?"
“Yes, please. Would you be an interpreter for me? - she asks imploringly. - I asked Romano to replace you here. Only one of them speaks English decently."
Jun-wan looks at her with a questioning face.
"Yes, they come from Seoul."
"Okay. So, give time to take off my scrub and I'm all yours."
"Thanks Seonsaengnim."
“You're welcome. I'm glad to meet some countryman. - he admits. - I haven't spoken Korean for months."
Jun-wan takes off his gown, adjusts his shirt and takes a quick look in the mirror, smoothing his hair.
"You are beautiful and flawless as always doctor Kim. - she reassures him with a wink. - I'm sure the delegation will appreciate it."
He rolls his eyes and makes a face at her.
"Did you find out why they are here?"
"It seems that a new project has been activated in collaboration with the UNHCR that provides for an expansion of the clinic. One of them will stay here to plan the work."
"That's great news!"
“Yes, you were right. All my anxieties were useless." - she admits with a smile. - You bring luck, Seonsaengnim."
The two doctors leave the clinic, cross the courtyard and head towards Susan's office. The afternoon sun warms his face and he closes the eyes as he walks to reach the porch, where the hot and tired countrymen are chatting. With his eyes still half closed he approaches the group, straightens his head and bows to a man in his fifties, and then a well-known voice makes him shiver.
"Jun-wan."
She pronounces his name and nothing else, but this is enough to freeze him on the spot. He's only able to raise the head and look at her. She smiles at him; her face beautiful, her gaze proud but sweet, her hair just a little longer than the last time he saw her. She seems genuinely happy to see him.
Jun-wan heart beats madly.
"Ik-sun." - he can barely say.
"Wait, you two know each other?" - Susan asks, looking from one to the other, surprised.
"She is... She..."
“I'm Lee Ik-sun. - she introduces herself. - I'm his wife."