Chapter Text
Luckily, Remus had never placed a bet on how hard it was to find a psychiatrist. Not in a million years, would he have guessed it was so damn hard. Finally, though, after some calls -and meetings, in some cases- Remus found Edith.
Edith was…a lot, to say the least. It doesn’t mean, in any way, that it has a negative connotation. After all, Remus has always needed the influence of insistent and loud people, who seemed to offer the final push. Sometimes, well, most of the time, there was doubt preventing him from acting. In other words, living.
Therefore, when this fifty-something-year-old woman, wearing a turquoise blazer and a maniac look welcomed him, Remus knew she was the one. Actually, she had read his entire life and personality with a few answers, and, even more shocking, Edith had managed to word it perfectly -something Remus nor Poppy were capable of.
Remus was hopeful, to say the least. But, there’s always a but. She was encouraging him to ‘go out more’ and ‘socialize’ because apparently being as emotionally independent as he had been since little and forcing himself to be faultless was ‘too much pressure’ and ‘demanding an unhuman amount of effort’. Pst. Totally stupid if you ask him. Anyway, he left the first appointment with mixed feelings. Partly because she understood Remus with a soothing easiness, and because, at the same time, he felt that her ‘recommendations’ didn’t fit him. Honestly, he knew they could have a positive result -it could work, even- but it didn’t mean he liked it.
So, he sulked.
Oh, not only that, Edith thought it would be a wonderful idea to attend Lily’s celebration without planning anything ahead. That meant not knowing how he was getting to the restaurant, what he was wearing and -the worst bit- not thinking through what the hell he was going to do with his situation with Sirius.
Fucking great. Awesome. Fantastic.
After having their film-like moment, Sirius had invited Remus in to drink something -not in that way-. They started with an innocent tea -which later would be mixed with alcohol- on the floor, next to the heater. They spent an hour, maybe two, like that, pressed against each other, sharing a blanket. Music was turned on too. At some point, Remus laughed and Sirius might have wanted to have a taste of it because he kissed him for the second time that night. While they made out, slowly with hungry curiosity, Sirius positioned himself on Remus’ lap. Taking this as an opportunity, he let his hands roam under the other man’s shirt, and oh. It was an obvious statement that Sirius was fit, but when Remus’ hands rested on his back and he could feel the muscles flexing every time he curved to be closer to Remus, he basically died right there.
And then Frank called, insisting he had an emergency. Imagine Remus’ annoyance when he found out the emergency was stating that his favourite bar closed so he had nowhere else but Remus’ house to drink. Apparently, no other place was worthy of his time. Thus, Frank also texted Lily and Mary to have a funeral.
That was two days ago. That night, Lily, James, Sirius and Remus were having dinner. That wouldn’t be an issue if the two men had talked to each other about what happened, or, for the matter, communicated in any way. Yes, that’s right, they didn’t talk at all after.
In summarizing, life’s shit, people are shit but his psychiatrist is insisting he runs to mentioned shit to solve his problem.
The water seemed like the best solution at the moment, so Remus washed his face, closing his eyes and only concentrating on the coldness. After a few seconds, he sighed and wiped the remaining drops. Two hours before having to leave his home, Remus (finally) let himself wonder about his outfit and transportation. He pointedly avoided thinking about what could happen. He was not a genie, he could not predict the future.
But, A voice said.
Shush . He heard Edith answer quickly.
Scanning vaguely at his closet, Remus picked brown corduroy pants (with a brown belt with golden details, mind you, he was being sophisticated ), a white, plain shirt and a nude sweater on top. It was enough. He was formal and felt comfortable while doing so. A win-win situation.
Alright, it hadn’t been that bad to make that decision only a couple of hours prior. However, his bed was covered in unsuccessful combinations of garments. Remus definitely didn’t feel like tidying up that mess, yet, he couldn’t stand the thought of doing it after coming back. Plus, he did have to think about the way he was arriving at the restaurant. Hell, he didn’t even know where it was! Stress started taking hold of Remus’ consciousness.
Edith came to the rescue again, suggesting he distracts himself with anything he liked. And then Poppy’s voice appeared.
In every situation, you have at least a bit of control, even in times of despair. The only thing anyone needs is motivation or a distraction, even. You have the power to make a moment better, yours.
Remus thought there wasn’t anything a little music couldn’t fix. Ever an old man in heart, he used his record player and let himself daydream while clearing up his room. Before noticing, his entire loft was impeccable and it had only taken forty-five minutes or so. Not that Remus was aware of the minutes passing.
With the remaining time, he decided to go by bus. From the beginning, Remus knew he would end up with that conclusion, nevertheless, a bit of unnecessary reflection was needed. Just to be sure. So he guesses it was necessary, even if Edith didn’t quite agree.
But then, all his web of thoughts gladly made its way to the drain as Lily called to offer him a ride. Never one to miss an opportunity that made life easier, Remus agreed and thanked her. However, he found it a bit odd as she was going to arrive with James, and she didn’t even mention her boyfriend… Remus didn’t know what that was about so he asked Lily as soon as he hopped into the car.
“Oh yes, well. Supposedly, I was going to spend the afternoon at his and make our way to this place together.” She sighed and shook her head but Remus could see a small smile playing on her lips. Lily maintained silent while turning, ever a responsible driver, keeping her full attention to the road and other cars. “Then, I opened Twitter and noticed that the third season of ‘Derry Girls’ was out. Being James’ favourite TV show, I told him.” Lily chuckled. “Big mistake. Obviously, he got overexcited, called Sirius and they met to start -and finish- it today.”
Yes, Remus though. It was a very possible situation if it concerned the other two.
“Now, Sirius and James are coming by bike,” Remus tried to keep his face neutral as the sudden memories of riding Sirius’ bike with the other man pressed behind him filled his mind. He miserably failed, as Lily commented on it. “I know, don’t even mention it.” She groaned. “Even James admits that that thing is a dead machine. I wouldn’t be so worried if it was anybody else driving it. It’s just, Sirius can be irresponsible.”
Swallowing a scoff, Remus disagreed. Alright, fine, Sirius could be immature when it came to humour, but he was responsible. Most of the time, that is. Well, when he was with Remus. Then he wondered if maybe Lily knew the other man more than he did. The thought brought a malaise to his stomach. Perhaps they weren’t that close. Remus groaned.
“What is it?” Lily asked, and he almost broke, wanting, needing to tell his best friend about the man he loved. Having a psychologist and a psychiatrist weren’t enough people to talk to, apparently. God, nothing satisfied his stupid nerves.
Maybe there was a way.
“I’m not sure of anything,” He kept his face in his hands. “I don’t know if what I’m doing is right. I sometimes imagine fictional situations and now I’m doubting if certain situations actually happened or if I made them in my head. I hate it” He groaned and hated himself for ruining Lily’s night with his problems. So that’s why he added: “I’m fine though. Usual shite, nothing out of common. It’ll pass.”
Even with her eyes on the road, Remus could see her glaring. Poor the driver in the front car, thinking they did something wrong and Lily was going to murder them because of it.
“You are not fine, Remus.” She sighed. “And that is okay. I mean, it’s bloody awful, but it’s not forever and you are not doing it by yourself. I can help you. In whatever way you need me.” Lily turned again and started looking for an empty spot to park the car. “If you fancy telling me this particular problem, maybe, just perhaps, I could give you some advice… Still, I’m not forcing you to do it. Alright?”
Almost about to cry, Remus promised he would literally curse any person that mistreated Lily Evans.
“I’ll tell you after.” It wasn’t the time nor the moment. He will tell her after dinner. “How about we listen to music and sing along?”
Unfortunately, they could only sing ‘Save Me’ by Queen before they found a spot and parked.
Sirius and James were already inside, chatting. It was comical how they fitted so perfectly in the elegant atmosphere, surrounded by chandeliers, red carpets, fine tablecloths and imported crockery. Not only that, but James wore a tailor-made suit that screamed ‘James’ all over, from the maroon palette to the little golden flowers embroidered. And then, there was Sirius. Oh, Sirius. He was absolutely stunning with a red velvet shirt and leather pants.
“There they are, the idiots.” True to Lily’s word, they were idiots. The spell of refinement broke when they tried to shape their napkins into…God only knows what kind of being that was.
Taking deep breaths, Remus prepared himself. A soft hand suddenly wrapped his and he turned to see a comforting look on Lily. Someone else wouldn’t have noticed the subtle nervousness hidden behind her need to protect everyone. But Remus did, so he squeezed and returned the reassuring glance. With a final shared smile, they walked toward the men they loved.
“Hi!” Lily said before taking off her coat and leaving it on the chair beside James. Remus did the same on the remaining seat between Lily and Sirius. Meanwhile, he wondered why the bloody hell they had to sit on a round table. God-damn.
James got up to kiss Lily briefly and hug Remus tightly, saying. “Hello, my love.” Then he added, nodding at his girlfriend. “Lils, nice to see you too.”
“Fuck off, it’s my night. Be more loving. Sirius,” The other man raised Lily when she embraced him. “Alright, that’s too much love.”
“I’m not sorry,” Sirius grinned and turned to Remus with a friendly grin. “But I am Sirius.” He stretched a hand and Remus took it.
“Remus,” They smiled politely but there was a mischievous spark in their eyes. “I've heard wonders about you."
"Really?" Sirius looked at Lily, lifting an eyebrow. “I can only presume those were drunken words."
"Drunken words are sober thoughts, Mr…"
"McGonagall.” Sirius was living his dream by pretending to not be part of the Black family. James and Lily shared a questioning look. “And may I state that you are a wise man, Ms…”
“Darcy.” Lily scoffed and Remus thought he heard a ‘you wish’ from her.
As if he was a cartoon, Sirius’ eyes widened. “Not as Mr Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. I absolutely despise him.”
Looking back to Sirius’ enamoured expression when talking about Mr Darcy, Remus attempted to copy it. “How could you say such monstrosity? He is the perfect man!” He quickly took his hand from Sirius’ grasp, faking disgust. “Very homophobic of you, if I must imply.”
“Alright,” James interrupted before Sirius could answer back. They all sat down. “So, I was checking the wines.” He gave a pointed look at Lily and passed the menu for her to eye. While they discussed which bottle to order (James insisted on buying the best and therefore the most expensive one, and Lily promptly refused), Sirius and Remus were in their own little world.
After picking up a toothpick and placing it on his lips, Sirius leaned back on the chair, moved closer to the edge and opened his legs a bit. Then he mouthed: “Is this straight enough?”.
Lifting an eyebrow, Remus thought this could turn out to be a new game. A game he was going to win. With an elbow on the table and the other one flexed, resting his hand on his knee, Remus snorted and cleared his throat to draw attention. “Lils, I think my man here is right. It’s a special night, innit? A nice bottle, for a nice bird, yeah?” He winked at Lily, “Plus, he is paying.” Remus elbowed his best friend and fake laughed.
“Remus,” Lily sing-sang. “Why are you imitating a misogynist cowboy?” There was a laugh escaping from both James and Sirius.
“Cowboy, you said? Darcy, I never took you for a masculine kind of lad.” Not only did Sirius deepen his voice, but he also took eyeliner from the jacket’s pocket and drew a moustache.
“Oh, yeah, yeah. I’m all in for trucks, hunting and beer.” He ticked all the elements from the ‘macho’ stereotype.
Never one to miss a show, James joined in, tutting. “I’m afraid you forgot the good ol’ gun. Mine’s name’s Betty. ‘Ave her since I was five.” James sucked on a breadstick.
“First gun?” Sirius asked.
“Nah. Received one when I learned the difference between a cow and a sheep.” James’ laugh was absolutely nasty.
“Oh God, please stop. I’m uncomfortable.” Lily pleaded. Fortunately for her, a waitress approached to take their order.
“Have you decided yet?” Despite the clear exhaustion written on her face, Kat (Remus read on her name tag next to her pronouns: she/her) smiled sweetly at them. She wore dress pants, a white shirt, an apron and a black tie, just like the rest of the staff, however, she had added pins. There was a rainbow, a skull in flames, Frida Kahlo and many band ones. Not only did Remus like them, but it was also strangely soothing.
Ever since he was little, Remus never felt comfortable in fancy places. Not because he was from a town or anything like it, but because he felt as if he needed to follow rules and be determined way. In other words, he came to the conclusion he did everything wrong as if he failed in understanding, and it was too much pressure. Why did people judge so much? No, thanks, he preferred take-away and the warmth of his house.
Anyway, looking at the waitress ‘breaking rules’ or the stereotype, made him a bit at ease. It was a nice contrast with the symmetry, exactitude and grace. Even Sirius who was a rebel seemed to blend in perfectly. It seemed as if he wasn’t aware of it, which Remus supposed he wasn’t. He felt a pang of envy.
“...and Remus what would like…?” James calling him broke his trance. Right, he had to pick something to eat. It would be fine if he had checked the menu before, which was now in Kat’s hand. Remus cursed himself and started to panic. At his hesitation, Kat asked if they needed more time. Fuck. They were staring at him, waiting for an answer he didn’t have. Shit. He was going to fuck up.
“Lasagna for him, please.” God save Lily Evans. She would always know what he wanted…“And a bourbon. Neat.” And needed.
Kat nodded and before leaving she smiled at Remus.
“I think you are lacking smoothness, Rem,” James smirked. “You spaced out just by her sight.” What?
“As if you were any different,” Lily said and Remus could hear Sirius’ lovely chuckle. Sirius!
Trying to keep a neutral face, Remus turned to look at the other man, sending signals to explain that wasn’t what happened. If he liked someone, he should be able to date them. Then again, he shouldn’t justify himself. After all, Sirius hadn’t reached him, clearly, he wasn’t interested. Remus’ chest tightened a bit. However, he hadn’t attempted to talk to him either… Why hadn’t he talked to Sirius? Why didn’t he try to clear things up?
Silver eyes laid comfortably on hazel eyes, yet there was a question in them. “Yeah, Jamie, you almost passed out the second you saw her.” Even though Sirius was talking to James, he never stopped looking at Remus. Perhaps his words weren’t about Lily and James at all. Remus refused to dig any further.
“Alright, yes. You would have too if you weren’t gay.”
“Oh, there’s no doubt.” Sirius winked at Lily and they fell into another topic.
That night it became obvious that conversation wasn’t something they struggled on with each other. On the contrary, there wasn’t a single moment of silence or awkwardness. It was a nice distraction from the prickling anxiety. They laughed and shared anecdotes and made a toast in Lily’s name. There wasn’t even tension between Sirius and Remus, it was as comfortable as it ever had been. Despite their situation, they got along well. Remus thought it was impossible for him to be tense around Sirius. Whatever that wasn’t the point. The point is that everything was great until questions about the future came up. If people, loud noise and attention were the top 3 things that made Remus most nervous, then the uncertainty of the future was number 4.
Remus knew he didn’t have anything to worry about, he had a steady job that he loved, friends, health,
(a boyfriend?)
and a loving mother. And yet he couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if he lost his job or if he got bored. What if Remus was miserable with his life? Even worse, what if he was miserable and too afraid to change, so he stayed that way forever? Perhaps his friendships would end at the end of the month.
Sirius didn’t want to be with him that day, what made Remus think he wanted to be in his future?
However, the worst questions were: what if I don’t get better? What if this is the happiest someone can be and it isn’t enough for me? What if Remus was never satisfied with anything this world had to offer? What if his anxiety remained? What if?
There was no way to know the future and that scared the hell out of Remus.
“Remus you’ve gone all quiet,” Lily murmured while the other two were talking so she didn’t draw attention. “Are you alright?” He hated to have Lily worrying over him.
“Yes, of course.” Remus really tried to smile honestly. “Just thinking.” Technically, it was true.
Even though she didn’t buy it, Lily only patted his knee and gave him a reassuring smile.
“Love! I forgot to tell you!” James suddenly jumped on his seat and abandoned his conversation with Sirius, who looked offended. “I have news about Albert and Fiona.”
“What?” Remus asked at the same time Sirius exclaimed: “Excuse me?! You are leaving me for Albert and Fiona?!” Remus couldn’t help but chuckle, which made Sirius drop his character of drama and change it with a sweet look.
“Oh yes, James tells me all the gossip from his work. It’s surprisingly interesting to hear about people’s lives and the drama they are going through.”
“Exactly!”
“So, to get things clear, you gossip.” Remus didn’t even try to hide his amusement.
“That’s not nice, you know?” Sirius tutted.
“It’s not gossip. They are news! For example, Albert likes Fiona but she just got out of a divorce. I’m sorry if I’m intrigued by how it went when he asked her to go out.”
“She said yes.” James, as if he was a little kid, couldn’t contain his excitement.
“What?! She is still in love with Josephine!” Lily outraged and shocked listened attentively to James who started to retell all of what happened.
“I don’t know about you, but I kinda want to know why she accepted if she doesn’t feel the same way,” Sirius said to Remus.
“Maybe she does like him and is trying to move on.”
“Nah, I think Fiona is using him.”
“I mean, Albert could’ve waited a bit longer. Josefin and Fiona have only just broken up.”
A loud gasp and an ‘I know!’ from the couple interrupted them.
“Anyway,” Sirius said with a big grin. “Do you know that James wants to play cupid with us?”
Honestly, Remus thought they were going to avoid the topic. Never underestimate Sirius Black. Not knowing how to answer, he raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah, who is going to break the news to him, huh?” Which news? Remus had no idea when he was about to ask because Kate came back with the check. Apparently, Lily or James had asked for it when he wasn’t paying attention. Then, Kat left, leaving them alone to discuss how they were going to pay.
“Here’s when I step in,” Sirius stretched his arm to grab the check, all complained but stopped when he paused looking at the paper with raised eyebrows.
“Is it that much?” Remus joked.
“I don’t know, you tell me.” Sirius passed it to Remus. At the bottom, there was a number written down and in cursive handwriting, it read: to the tall one, K.
Uh. Um. Respectfully, what? Remus stared at his empty hand when Lily took the check to see what the fuss was about. What was he going to do? Call her? But he loved Sirius. The other man clearly didn’t love him though. Was this a sign to get over him? No, Remus didn’t believe in that. Whatever. It was rude to ignore the message and it isn’t as if he couldn’t . She was really pretty too, with straight short brown hair, round dark eyes and a sweet smile. Clearly, she was also bold.
Looking at Lily, Remus looked for an answer.
“You better go out with her or I will.”
“Yes you will, and I’m keeping Mister Lupin here.” Her boyfriend said and sent a kiss in Remus’ direction.
Without even thinking about it, almost as an instinct, Remus searched those lovely grey eyes.”But…”
“But?” Lily asked. James kept quiet. “If you don’t want to, you don’t have to, of course. Why wouldn’t you anyway?” His eyes found the green ones again.
“I don’t know…”
“Don’t know if you want to or don’t know why you don’t want to?” Sirius asked.
What was he supposed to answer? No, because he liked Sirius, James’ best friend, the man sitting next to him? Yes, I’d date her, that is if I don’t have a chance with Sirius, so do I? I think she’s gorgeous but no, thank you? What would he prefer? Revealing their secret or ruining his chance with Sirius (if he even had one)?
They were joking, teasing even, their intentions were good. However, Remus had already been nervous and this wasn’t helping.
“Rem, are you OK?” Lily murmured soothingly.
“Yes, I only need a second.” Remus offered a reassuring grin and slipped from the chair and went to the bathroom as casual as he could, trying to ignore the tremble of his limbs.
Alright, Remus assured himself once in front of the mirror (he was glad there was no one else in the lavatory), it was fine. In all honesty, he had been worse. It was not fine, he did feel uneasy and started to bite the inside of his cheek. But whatever, the urge to scratch himself wasn’t there! So it was fine! Ok! Good, even! Right? So why didn’t it feel like it?
Remus washed his face with water and enjoyed how the chill differed from the heat on his skin. After a few deep breaths and the decision to reject Kat, telling his friends he wasn’t interested in a relationship right now, Remus opened the door just in time.
A table nearby started to sing ‘Happy Birthday’. Soon the whole restaurant joined. Claps and whistles and cheering and loud singing filled the room. Unfortunately, Remus hadn’t taken enough deep breaths.
The people, the noise, the movement, and the lack of fucking air were enough to send Remus down into an anxiety hole. His heart beat hard against his ribcage, his lungs couldn’t decide whether to tolerate the oxygen or refuse it to the point Remus thought he was suffocating. He walked straight out of the restaurant, needing space.
“It’s alright. It’s okay. We are okay.” He kept comforting himself and wrapping his arms around his torso. Remus felt safe on his own. His mind may cause a thousand questions that drowned him, but it also was a place where he was calm. After all, no one else knew him as much or kept him company as he did.
Since he was little, Remus learnt that at the end of the day, no matter what, it was he who would be there to keep him company.
He sat, leaning on the brick wall, making use of the almost empty street. Remus hugged his knees and tried to make himself as little as possible. Then, footsteps approached.
“Hey,” Sirius’ voice said before sitting next to Remus. “Can I help you?”
“Don’t worry, I’m fine,” Remus mumbled, head low.
“Let me guess, just thinking?” Sirius quoted what he had said to Lily earlier.
“No, hyperventilating, you?” The tone was casual as if they were discussing the weather.
“Oh, you know, getting the truth out of a boy that even if he is cute, he can be dense.” Sirius elbowed him. “Would you look at me?”
“I don’t want to get out yet.” When he was having a panic attack, everything was too much. His senses seem to sharpen. The noise increased, his movements were too fast, too much adrenaline and energy. Remus just needed everything to stop. Please, just a damn break. Was silence so much to ask? Just, please, a bit of nothing would be great. But when Remus made himself a ball, there was darkness and he covered his ears with his arms to muffle the sound. It wasn’t perfect, still, it helped.
“We can stay here as long as you want. Unfortunately for you, I’m not leaving you here alone. It’s not safe.”
“I don’t want you to leave just yet,” Remus whispered and he wasn’t sure if Sirius heard it.
“What do you need? I’ll give you options. One, distraction. Two, to talk. Three, advice. Four, Lily Evans. Five, the incredible mousse I brought outside even though I’m not supposed to.”
Curiosity won and Remus peaked to find Sirius holding a plate with chocolate mousse and a fork. At this, the other man grinned.
“There they are, those precious eyes.” Remus loved the way those words made him feel.
“They are not for you,” He grabbed the plate. “But the dessert. You are just a nice thing to look at while I enjoy this beauty.” The laugh that left Sirius’ lips was so genuine that Remus believed it could shape every bad emotion into happiness.
“First off, I am offended to be called a thing. I’m not an object.” Before Sirius said the next words, Remus already knew by the suggestive look. “Unless I’m your object.” Remus groaned and said ‘Stop’ as well as he could with food filling his mouth. “Sorry, couldn’t get that.” But there was a grin on Sirius’ lips. “And secondly, you described me as ‘nice’ but the mousse gets to be called beautiful? Unacceptable.”
“As sweet as you are, chocolate is sweeter. Therefore, it wins.” There was only half of the mousse at that point, so he offered Sirius before he finished it. The other man only shook his head and told him it was Remus’.
They stayed quiet while the dessert disappeared slowly, with only the sound of cars passing by and the muffled chats of the people inside the restaurant surrounding them. When Remus placed the empty plate on the floor, Sirius broke the silence.
“So, do you want to talk about it?”
Sighing, Remus let his head drop on Sirius’ shoulder, which wasn’t at all comfortable as he had to crane his neck due to the height difference. Still, it was nice, and it was even better when Sirius did the same, his head on top of Remus’.
“The usual: people.”
Sirius didn’t speak again for a few seconds. “Does ‘people’ include what happened between us?”
“Fuck off. Would you mind not knowing me so bloody well?”
It was a joke, but Sirius’ answer didn’t sound like it. “Not likely. On the contrary, I can’t wait to know everything about you.”
That wasn’t fair, Remus decided. “No. Sirius, you can’t do that.” They separated to face each other.
“Do what?”
“Don’t play stupid, you are all but.”
“I’m not!”
“Alright, you wanna what I don’t want you to do?” Sirius nodded as if it was obvious, even if the question was rhetorical. “You can’t just spend months with me, flirting, being so lovely,
making me lo-” He stopped. “Making me be attached to you and kissing me, just for you to ignore it in a couple of days.”
“I couldn’t have ignored it even if I wanted,” Sirius muttered.
“What?” Remus barely heard him.
“I said that you ignored it too.”
“I…was busy,” Technically, it was true. He had been looking for a psychiatrist.
“And what makes you think I wasn’t?” Sirius said defensively, his tone higher than usual. Realizing what he did, he sighed and looked exhausted. “Look, I’m not good at this, alright?”
“Sirius, you can talk to me,” Remus took the other man’s hand in his and breathed in before opening up. When he was starting his sessions, it was harder to confess how he felt, now, after a lot of work, it was a lot easier. “I have been calling different psychiatrists and I finally found one. Still,” With the other hand, Remus ran his fingers through his hair, trying to release some tension. “It’s not an excuse, I know. I’m sorry. I don’t regret it…”
The question was there, in the air, floating. It was Sirius’ call if he answered it or not.
“I wasn’t busy, actually,” Sirius closed his eyes tightly, just as he was doing to Remus’ hand. “It’s, er, I was- am scared of…feelings. Romantically speaking.” His right eye opened a bit to watch Remus’ reaction, and when Sirius saw he was raising an eyebrow, that beautiful laugh escaped again. “Stop, I’m talking about serious shite over here.”
“I did nothing!”
“We both know you can behave better.” Pointing a finger, he ordered. “Neutral face.”
“Fine.” Though there was a little smile he couldn’t get rid of even if he wanted to. “So you are scared of the romantic feelings towards me.”
“Shut up.” Sirius grinned and the whole night lit up. “As I was saying, I don’t have much experience with relationships that last more than a month-”
“That’s quite a challenge you are putting me on.”
“ -And it’s because of how shitty my parents were to each other. At least that’s what Minnie and I suspect. I don’t want to end up like that.” Then, all blithe left his features and Remus it was very difficult for Sirius to voice what he was going to say. “Mostly though, it’s because I’m frightened of the idea of being vulnerable. I mean, I can’t afford to get hurt again. James is the only person I fully trust in this world. Hell, I sometimes believe I made him up! And I don’t know how but I was able to let you in. Then this happened and I thought I messed up. Perhaps I interpreted wrongly our…er…us? Does that make sense? Ugh, wait.” Sirius groaned and took a break to breathe. “What I’m trying to say is that I thought I pushed the limits too far and that I’d get heartbroken.” The last word was whispered and Remus couldn’t quite hear it. It was rude to ask too as he would be interrupting. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.” Sirius dismissed with a hand as if trying to physically disappear the tension.
“Don’t be sorry. Honestly, I’ve been invaded by questions ever since that day.”
The thing was, both of them had confessed their fear to each other and yet neither could bring themselves to confess, to take the next step.
Not being certain about what was going on in someone’s mind will always haunt Remus. Well, not always, until Pomfrey could help him out with that. It’ll feel like forever but not literally as in forever. That’s stupid, obviously, it wouldn’t mean as in for ever, like, the end of times. Ok, Remus was babbling. Could someone babble if it was internally? Whatever his mind raced when he was nervous. There. What was he thinking about initially? Oh, yes, the doubt of the events in someone’s mind. Great. That’s why Remus learnt the art of deducing by analysing the facts. Alright, so. Sirius opened up to him. Sirius wasn’t angry about the kiss. Sirius kissed him back. Sirius had romantic feelings. Sirius was scared of romantic feelings. So, in conclusion, there was a that Sirius might like him but he wasn’t ready for it. That was OK. Remus wasn’t going to push it, even though it hurt.
But what if it hurt forever? What if they were still friends and his love remained? What if Sirius left him because of it? What if Remus always lived in pain?
A soft wind brushed his skin soothingly, waking him up from his daydream.
“You know, when I was a kid, I thought that the animals that hibernate actually hid from the cold as if their cave was a bunker.” Remus chuckled, still he could feel the restlessness that hadn’t got away since he first entered the restaurant. “And I believed they slept for months without food or anything.”
“You were a pretty stupid child, huh?
“Excuse you.” He gasped. “It wasn’t that far from the truth!”
“I guess not.” Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Anyway, why are we talking about hibernating?”
“Because of the cold weather, duh.” He paused. “And I used to wonder why didn’t humans do that.” The same darkness that took the grey of Sirius’ eyes when he spoke about topics he wasn’t fond of, appeared. So Remus changed the topic.
“When I was little I craved to live on the stars, jumping from one to another. I had this idea of travelling all around the universe through them.”
“That’s actually more stupid than my dream. And cute.” Sirius elbowed him. “Mostly stupid, though.”
“Shut up.” Remus lit a cigarette and offered one to Sirius, who shook his head.
They laughed lightly and stayed quiet once again, taking in their surroundings. At least that’s what Remus assumed they were both doing. However, it was only him, because then Sirius spoke and it was clear he had been trapped in thought.
“I’m not that fond of the stars,” Sirius shrugged. “They are beautiful, yet they remind me of my family. Y’ know, old memories I’m trying to forget.”
It was a pity, Remus thought, because the stars were the only thing in the entire universe that resembled Sirius’ beauty. If he could, Remus would grow brand-new ones, creating different constellations, so the other man could see how beautiful he was to Remus. How they shone, granted wishes and inspired people.
“You know, it’s kind of ironic,” He took a puff to gain strength. “I told the stars about you.”
The other man turned to look at him, “Oh, yeah?” Remus hummed, without taking his eyes off the dark sky. “What did you tell them exactly?” If he dared to say, Sirius sounded almost shy.
Chuckling, Remus realized he could just say it. Nothing stopped him. Well, that was a retund lie. The negative outcomes of his next ‘confession’ could break their friendship? Relationship? Whatever-bloody-ship? And yet, words slipped naturally when he looked at the lights scattered all across the blue veil. It was easy because he was actually expressing his love to the stars, not Sirius who was a mere spectator. He could pretend he was alone in his loft again…
The first time he had done it, it was because Remus needed to let go of intense emotions pecking his brain. The sky, being the only option, had to suffer and hear about Remus’ unrequited love. He was sitting by the window in the middle of the night, lit by the gentle moonlight very kindly offered by the full moon. The stars had helped too, so he thanked them. The sky was so wide and impossibly far, so endless. He felt the same way about life, but not literally as it will never end, but because it's so out of his hands, so out of reach.
Yet, there were the stars.
When he was watching them Remus could only think of Sirius. Those little pecks steal all the attention and make the sky slightly less lonely. Furthermore, they stay still and God was Remus thankful for that. Because the stars, like Sirius, made him feel less anxious, more down to earth. Unlike the stars, the clouds moved, and the sun did too, incredibly fast may he add. It made Remus feel conscious of the time, of the day that would be over soon. However, when it was night, the stars remain unmoving, pausing everything. Late hours are quiet and seemingly endless. It’s a break to breathe and pretends everything is alright.
Remus also loves the night because of the lack of people. Just the galaxy and Remus. It was almost like a secret.
Anyway, that’s not what he should be thinking.
“I told them how wonderfully safe you make me feel. I can tell you anything and everything.” He exhaled the smoke one last time. “I told them that you thrill me.” Then, Remus pressed the end of the cigarette on the shoe sole. “I mean, fucking hell Sirius, I’m hardly motivated to read -the thing I adore the most- but I am excited with only the idea of you.” Remus devoured the constellations with his eyes, tracing the imaginary narration of his affection. “I let them know how lucky I am” Oh, how he did, repeating it over and over again. “And that even if you don’t think of me the same way I do for you, it doesn’t matter.” It had hurt to even consider it. To think what Remus could never have, reach. Sirius and he were close, but there was a limit and Remus despised that limit. The fact that he would never fully know Sirius, to never be familiar with the feeling of being loved by him. Remus thought he would never occupy Sirius’ mind the way Remus wanted to. The absolute worst part was that Sirius wasn’t able to change that, didn't even think about it. Remus asked why was it so hard for the other man to fall in love with him when it had been so easy for him. “It wouldn’t matter because at least you were in my life.” He laughed. “I wasn’t about to get picky when someone that makes me feel marvellous walked into my life, even if I did nothing to deserve it.” Afraid to have pushed too much, Remus stopped. After all, he couldn’t afford to lose someone that important.
Remus turned and was surprised to see a disbelieving and amused look on the other man. Sirius tucked some of Remus’ curls behind one ear and slowly let his index finger brush the curve of his jaw, silver eyes following the movement. He stopped when he reached Remus’ chin, capturing it. Then, their eyes met and all the love in the world concentrated on that stare. At least, that’s what Remus felt: pure and authentic adoration.
Even if Remus accepted Sirius just as a friend, he craved to know the feeling of being with him romantically. And then, Sirius said.
“You are my Moony…” A part of his soul broke.
“Love me, please? Before I scare you away?” It was pathetic and lame and Remus hated himself. The tear falling didn’t help much either. “Love me just for a second, even if it doesn’t make sense, even if it sounds delusional. I just need to stop wondering what it would be like.”
With a raised eyebrow, Sirius asked. “Do you want to know how would I act if I loved you?” He smiled fondly. Remus only nodded. “Well,” Sirius’ eyes lazily taking in every scar, freckle, hair. “Firstly, I would text you all the time because I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about you. I would take you to my favourite place in the world, invite you to my home to watch a film that I adore, bake whatever comes to our minds,” He paused to chuckle. “I would also read your articles and have ice cream at three in the morning with you. And if I was in love with you, I would have stolen your number, kissed you when you showed up at my house and talked to you for hours. I’d have told you everything about me, important or not, bad and good. In exchange, I’d have listened to every single thing about you .”
Remus would never understand how human beings worked. Maybe his brain was too small to comprehend how people could possess so much affection for another person. There are seven billion people, all are ordinary and so alike, and they have so many flaws. Still, they find a way to contrast someone and -without even wanting to- love them. The sudden urge to grasp every little detail of that someone and the need to spend hours and hours with them. Remus decided it was both astonishing and stupid.
At that moment, though, falling in love wasn’t all that bad. Remus would not ever know why or how Sirius distinguished him from everybody else.
Regardless of the filthy street, the annoying honks and the flashing lights, the kiss they then shared was perfect.
When they broke away to catch air, Remus asked just to get some clarity. “So… you do love me, don’t you?”
Sirius raised an eyebrow and sighed, but Remus could take a peek at a small smile.
“Remus, yes, I bloody do and I’m not planning on stopping anytime soon. I will love you as long as you let me.”
“You couldn’t possibly.” Remus scoffed.
“Is that a challenge?”
“Only if you are willing to take on it.”
And they got lost in another kiss.
Two years later, they were still very much in love. It hadn’t been easy, God knows, but it had been worth it.
Anxiety attacks, nightmares and other consequences of their traumas remained but, fortunately, not as frequently. They learnt to deal with their problems by talking about them, asking for help and picking up hobbies. As cliché as it sounded, it worked, mostly at least. Sometimes they just needed company or fresh air. It always depended on the mood and the situation.
The point is that they kept trying to get better, searching for motives and strength to fight. As previously mentioned, it was anything but simple, every day had been a burden. Yet, they weren’t alone, they had each other. And Lily, and James, and Mary, and Frank, and Marlene, and Dorcas, Poppy and Minnie too.
After the first year spent as a couple, they moved in together. In the morning, they made each other breakfast -one scruffy and the other one magnificent. Then they spent the day the way they wanted to. No plans. Sometimes they watched films, read books or took long walks all around the city. Other times they would hang out with friends at pubs or have dinner with them. However, one thing that stayed the same was the hours flying with every word they shared. Talking and listening and laughing and gossiping and fighting and crying. And and and.
Their problems aren’t solved, but they now know they are OK. They are together after all.