Chapter Text
“Tom! Wait!”
Tubbo hurriedly scrambled on his feet to run after him.
It has always been like this. He has always followed Tommy around until it just sort of became an instinctive thing for him to do. He always matched his footprints with a trail of his own like he was always meant to drift around his vicinity, both in-game and in real life. Tubbo never minded it. It’s kind of their thing, their dichotomy. Clingy duo as people call them.
He’s reminded of the first time he, together with Freddie met up in person, in a Subway, of all places. After finishing eating, he followed Tommy, asking where they should go next. He also remembers the countless times the blond visited his house and he’d always be in any part of the room with him, Tommy had called him clingy then, before it even became a thing. It’s just a natural response ingrained in memory, to always follow him everywhere and anywhere.
Now, as Tubbo kept his gaze trained on the tall figure a couple meters in front of him, following Tommy has never felt so foreign and different.
“Tom!” He calls him out again, catching up much faster by sprinting. Tommy was only briskly walking, he wasn’t trying to run away from him. He admittedly had a good head start, he was caught off guard.
Tubbo would argue that anyone would be if their best friend suddenly switched up on them to a complete one eighty.
But before he could holler his name again, Tommy had slowed down once he reached the shore. He catches up to him sitting by the edge of the water, with his knees tucked to his chest protectively.
Once he was near him, he was more than a little heartbroken by the sight of his best friend. Tommy is looking out into the ocean with misty eyes, his balled hands trembling, like it’s taking tremendous effort not to scream his heart out, Tubbo and other people be damned.
“Tom?” He carefully situates himself next to him, providing a good empty space between them.
Still, Tommy visibly flinched, his knuckles turning white now. “Toby, just please go away. This isn’t easy to do when you’re here.”
His fingers twitched, tempted to reach over and pull him in for a hug, just do something to stop Tommy looking so inconsolable. All his ways to help demanded that he should touch him, but Tubbo could tell that’s the last thing his best friend wanted.
He sits on his own hands to stop himself from doing so.
He can’t just leave him.
“What? Tom, just… Just tell me what’s wrong. I promise I’ll do anything to help.” He whispered in desperation.
“Y-You can’t, you can’t help me on this. I need to do this alone.”
“Do what alone?” He doesn’t understand him, and he hates that he doesn’t. Because out of anyone, he should know what’s causing his best friend to be so incredibly upset. But a result of that would be for Tommy to be open to him, and that has never been a problem. They always told each other everything.
Until he could see helplessness in his eyes, he could see him holding back. Even those few seconds of reluctance are fatal to wound Tubbo and his supposed natural ability to comfort his own best friend.
Did Tommy second guess trusting him?
“This! I’m having an argument with myself about my feelings and shit. And I can’t do that when you’re breathing down my fuckin’ neck like this!” Tommy exclaimed, pointedly gesturing at him with his head for more emphasis.
It’s the angriest Tubbo has ever seen him, the first time it’s directed towards him with a snarl and flared nostrils. They’ve never even fought before, at least, it was never to a serious extent. They were charting unknown territories where he just wants to help and not leave him like this.
“Tom, I’m your best friend! You don’t need to tell me anything. But you can’t just take off and expect me to sit back.” He argued, letting him know that he is there as a source of comfort, nothing more if Tommy insists.
“Oh my god, I can’t—we can’t do this right now, Toby! Just leave already!”
Tommy is aggressively adamant to be left alone and push him away.
“Why not?” And it actually fucking hurts, the pain feels almost too personal to be kept in the dark like this. What did he even do? Did he do something wrong?
“Because I can’t fuckin’ talk about my weird feelings. Especially when it fuckin’ involves you!” Tommy snapped his head at him and Tubbo could see a single tear slip past his desperate blue eyes much clearer.
“I don’t think I understand. What did I do?” They were literally fine before their ice cream melted.
Tommy heaved a deep breath before pushing his distraught face into his bent knees. “It’s… It’s… Fuck, Toby! It has more to do with me than anything. I have a lot going on in my head right now.” The point is made by the obvious distress in his voice.
“Okay…” Tubbo blinks, trying to find the right words. “Tom, you know that we’re best friends and I love you, right? You can tell me anything. I’m right here.”
“Obviously I know that,” Tommy almost rolled his eyes right there, snapping a little before his expression softened with regret. “It isn’t about that but I…” He makes a frustrated noise, followed by a hushed curse. “Okay, look. I was really happy, excited even, that you said you missed our server. I missed it too. I’d love to play in it again.”
“So, what’s wrong then?”
“Then you went on about how you’re over it when I was just… When I just started having these fucked up feelings for you.” Tommy admits through gritted teeth. Like it’s a problem, a nuisance. A pesky thing that he has been batting away with his hands like a swarm of wasps. “I know I ruined my chance, Toby. I think I’ve known for a while. I just wished I accepted it instead of fuckin’ convincing myself that you still like me like the selfish prick that I am.”
Tubbo surprisingly finds himself calm at the confession, accepting even, in the way that he lets the overwhelming feeling he knew all too well quietly wash over him. Maybe because he has been on the other receiving end. Maybe he just doesn’t want him to experience heartbreak in its fullness. He can’t really tell as he finally and successfully holds Tommy’s hand.
“You’re not selfish.” He quickly argued, keeping his gaze firmly on their loosely joint hands on the sand guiltily. “I’m sorry... It’s my fault when I say things that I don’t fully mean.” It’s funny how much faster he arrives at this conclusion despite the months it took to divert and stomp on his feelings, pretending that they stopped existing. “I like saying that I moved on but… There are times when you just arrive at my doorstep and erase all my progress.”
He hears Tommy’s breath hitch, feels a silent question in the form of a gentle squeeze on his hand.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Tubbo squeezes back. They’ve had their fair share of secret thoughts, lingering stares and unspoken messages. It’s about time that ends. He feels the fine grains of the sand underneath his fingernails. “We’re both fucking idiots, I don’t think we were ever equipped to handle our feelings like professionals.”
Their eyes met, it only takes hazel to strike blue for sudden laughter to free the tension coiling in their stomachs like barbed wire. Tommy wheezed, cackling as he throws his head back while Tubbo chuckles softly, cheeks turning red in sharp contrast, both appalled by the dry and deadpanned delivery.
It’s when Tubbo’s body rattles with a relieved breath that they stop laughing. He wipes away a stray tear with his other hand.
“You’re right. We are. We’re bloody idiots…” Tommy can only agree, the last of his salty tears were finally dry.
“But we could really use the honesty, bossman. I’m done dicking around.” No more secrets and lies and thinking they could handle things, especially intense feelings, on their own. It’s been months of self-convincing lies and dismissive denial. He’s tired.
Tommy nodded his head gingerly.
“Me too. No dicking around. I like you, Toby. I like you a fucking lot.” A genuine smile replaces his distress.
The sun continues to hover over the two boys and the strip of sandy pebbled beach, where almost everyone else has decided to seek some shade and shelter from the scorching heat, heading towards the kiosks and boardwalk. Not the flustered pair though, given their uncomfortable position near the water and some sand irritably itching the gaps between their fingers, that’s the least of their worries as Tubbo pulled their clasped hands towards his chest.
This isn’t the first time he has held the blond’s hand. The feeling of their palms pressed up together is familiar enough, it takes him back to the first time they went out paddle boarding. Tommy had been so scared, whining and shrieking for him to let him go.
That moment seems so silly now as Tubbo refuses to let him go, soothing Tommy’s bony knuckles with a thumb before thoughtlessly pressing his lips against it.
“Good.”
They both don’t expect this move. Tommy visibly blushes from his ears all the way down to his neck while Tubbo finds peace with the knowledge that he has always wanted to kiss his best friend’s slender and elegant hand.
There’s probably something wrong with his face since Lani is pulling this weird look that can only be directed towards him. Teagan is doing Teagan things in her room while their parents aren’t in the general vicinity of their living room. It became even more apartment when his little sister’s gaze followed him all the way through.
“Lani, I’d appreciate it if you stopped staring at me.” He started, beelining to the kitchen for a glass of water.
“I’m sorry, but what are you so happy about? You don’t ever smile with your teeth.” Clearly, her investigative skills are coming in handy.
Tubbo hates smiling with his teeth for the same reason some girls get self-conscious with certain articles of clothing in their wardrobe. His cheeks have been hurting and there’s a decent fluster to them.
He immediately tries to drop the semi-permanent grin plastered across his face as he rolls his eyes. Play it cool. Play it cool… Blame the sun if all else fails.
“Nothing happened. I’m just getting back to streaming tomorrow and I’m excited for that.” It’s absolute bullshit, Tubbo is very well aware. No comeback stream has ever made him this visibly giddy, Lani knows that too when her eyes narrowed unconvincingly.
“I don’t believe you.”
He quickly drains the glass with a loud exhale before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Believe what you want to believe, I’ll be in my room.”
Tubbo doesn’t wait for a response, dashing away from his dear sister’s laser prying eyes. He doesn’t think he successfully evaded her just yet, but he’ll take what he can get.
It’s not like he lied.
Nothing happened.
After things has been said and done with a mutual understanding, they stayed at the beach for a while longer. Still holding hands and silently drinking in each other’s warm presence. They both couldn’t talk, they were too afraid to break the sweet and delicate moment that has settled over them.
It’s like having a proper crush for the first time in year seven. The shy smiles and flustered glances warming the pit of his belly. Funny butterflies and mushy feelings.
It was kind of cute.
Tubbo didn’t think he’d be smitten over the simple act of them trying to find the right footing in their new shifting dynamic. Because they’re not just best friends anymore, they’re also something else completely.
He flops on the couch with an exhilarating sigh, looking up at the plain white ceiling. The dumb fucking smile returns to creep along his lips and from the corner of his eyes, he could see Rocky’s judgmental gaze.
“What?” He turns to face his cat. Somehow, his swiveling tail seems like a form of answer. “You think I’m being weird too. Don’t you?”
Rocky remains perched on the arm rest as his owner pets him lovingly, purring at the attention but also somehow seeming like he knows what’s up with him. Like the feline has always known.
What the fuck?
He shakes his head.
“It’s all Tom’s fault. Blame him.”