Chapter Text
The fingers, which hadn't stopped shaking until she had wrapped them around the steering wheel, had started to feel stiffer and stiffer but Jirou didn't dare to loosen her grip.
Ever since she had managed to find the key to her car with unsteady fingers, had opened the door even though she had been able to hear the sound of her blood rushing through her veins paired with vertigo, she had just stared ahead at the road.
Every movement had been mechanical and every breath had felt shallow as if everything that had happened these last few weeks had taken the form of a noose that she felt around her neck, slowly but surely tightening.
Her gaze always came to rest on top of her bag whenever she stopped at a red light, staring at the black fabric in which the traitorous communicator was stored.
Panic rose in her whenever she did, fear that tightened its grip around her the longer she thought about Sero´s stiff movements when he had stepped back into the room with them.
Almost as if he had just discovered something.
Something that he shouldn't have seen under any circumstances.
Something that could bring this whole charade to an abrupt end.
The honking of the car behind her snapped her out of her thoughts.
The light had turned back to green while she had been staring off into nothingness, agonizing about her big mistake.
She couldn't change it now, couldn´t stop herself from suggesting he search her bag for a pencil.
But dread still pooled into the pit of her stomach, forming into a knot that made her nauseous until she couldn't help but stop the car at the side of the road and turn it off with shaky fingers.
For a moment, she only drew in one shallow breath after the other, fingers still clutching the steering wheel while she didn't dare to move.
It felt like the quiet before the storm as if she was forcing herself to hold on to the last bit of strength that she had by keeping her body as steady as possible.
Until the first silent tear rolled down her cheek and the dams that she had built up so desperately, that she had tried to protect from the raging waves of her anxiety, crumbled to pieces and a feeling of desperation flooded her mind.
She felt like hugging her knees, sobbing uncontrollably until she was out of breath because the world was such an unfair place and she felt as if she just kept on losing over and over again.
But she did none of that.
She only let go of the steering wheel, fingers idly resting on her lap while silent tears of despair streamed down her face.
Jirou wasn't sure how long she sat there like this, pitying herself on the side of the road in her old rundown car.
But at some point, the tears dried and her breathing steadied until she sat there in complete silence, only her heart still aching as she tried to wrap her head around one fundamental truth:
If Sero had seen anything, which was very likely, then it was over.
Then the whole mission was over and with it ended a friendship that she had grown dependent on over the last months.
He would tell Kaminari.
And all those thoughts that had kept her up at night, all those fears that she couldn't shake would become reality.
He would hate her.
And it would be justified.
The thought caused her body to move again, caused blood to circulate through her veins again, and it almost automatically reached for the phone in her pocket.
Her fingers flew over the touchpad, typing in his number as if it had become second nature.
She wanted to hear his voice, wanted to hear him say her name and know at the way it rolled off his tongue if he would ever trust her again.
But her thumb just hovered unmovingly over the green button while her heart beat against her ribcage in a way that it hurt.
She didn't have the heart to wait for the dial tone, getting more nervous with every passing one until she would hear his voice.
If what she feared was true, the pain and betrayal in it would be too much for her heart to handle.
Instead, she put the phone back into her pocket again and focused on her breathing, trying to calm herself slowly.
The sound of cars that were driving by, paired with the silent patter of the rain that had slowly started to pour from the sky poured back into her mind, grounding her until the world around her stopped spinning and she could feel the last remaining bit of fighting spirit in herself come alive again.
If Sero had seen something, he would have blurted it out.
She had seen his reaction, his anger, back then when he had still mistrusted her.
There was no way that he would have let her leave the building like that, no way that he wouldn't have confronted her then and there.
So maybe, just maybe, he had been too rushed to notice anything, too occupied with the phone call to see the one little detail that would have revealed an ugly truth.
The thought seemed outlandish and yet Jirou clung to it with all her might, reaching out to it as if it was a light in complete darkness.
It was the only hope she could cling to at the moment, the only thought that didn´t rob her of her breath.
Maybe she had gotten lucky just this once.
The feeling of tranquility that now slowly settled in her stomach still felt fragile.
Her hands were still slightly shaking from the adrenaline that had rushed through her system those moments prior and the lack of it caused her body to feel heavy.
But she preferred the exhaustion over the panic that robbed her of all options at any time.
She almost didn't allow herself to feel hopeful, so much had gone wrong ever since she had started this mission that it felt as if she was condemning herself with it.
But as long as Sero didn't say anything, there truly was no use in freaking out.
She had other things to worry about after all.
Problems that were more urgent than the anxiety in her stomach.
Now that she could think straight again, Jirou realized that she had to call the hero commission about the change of plan.
It was her sworn duty to inform them about everything that she witnessed behind the rundown facade of their hideout, a responsibility that she had been hesitant to fulfill lately.
But if they were to start their stakeout tomorrow already, something that could end in a confrontation if they weren't careful enough, then she had to induct them into their plan so they would be ready to step in if something got out of hand.
And if Jirou was being honest, then she longed for guidance, for words of wisdom that could enlighten her about this situation.
She didn't feel prepared for this part of their mission and if the worst came to the worst, Jirou was still unsure what to do.
She knew that she would protect Kaminari no matter the cost.
But was she allowed to intervene, was she even supposed to capture as many of the other villains as possible without blowing her cover?
Back, when they had introduced her to the details of her first solo mission, her orders had said to always put the lives of citizens above those that tried to harm them, to keep the damage to civilians and buildings as low as possible while making sure that she would not give away on what side she was.
Now that she looked back on it, she understood that Kaminari had been right.
The commission had never seen villains like him or Sero as human beings worth her protection but as obstacles that could be sacrificed if there was no other option.
After all, their lives were worth less to them than the ones of innocent civilians.
The faint pattern of rain that had accompanied her the entire drive home, had turned into a downpour by the time she parked her car next to her apartment.
Despite the cold that still lingered in the streets, the snow had completely melted now and left the streets in a gray hue that seemed to stick to the bottom of her shoes wherever she went.
Jirou didn't bother to hurry into the house.
Somehow, the drops of rain that touched her skin felt bracing as if each little tear of rain woke her more and more out of her trance-like state.
And when she stepped inside, hair wet and clothes heavy, she at least felt like she could breathe again.
The communicator in her hand felt heavy as she picked it out of her bag after she had arrived at her apartment.
In the darkness of her apartment, she felt the weight of her failure even more as if it had made its home in every dark crevice of her living quarters.
The naked walls taunted her for her cowardice and the spot on her couch, the one where Kaminari had held her in his arms last evening, felt forbidden as if it had no place in her home.
It barely felt like her apartment anymore even though nothing had changed about it.
It was her that had changed, her that had lost her way.
So no matter where she would go, she would feel out of place.
It only took a few moments, in which Jirou nervously bit her bottom lip, before a voice came out of the communicator, a voice that she wasn't familiar with.
Normally, she spoke to the man that had proposed the mission to her, the one whose authoritative voice sometimes followed her into her nightmares.
But this time, it was the voice of a woman.
“Yes?”
“Excuse me but…”, Jirou hesitated for a moment, her fingers clutching the little device in her hand, “I usually brief someone else…”
“He's busy…”, came the quick, factual answer, “I am your contact person today!”
“Busy…”, Jirou echoed quietly, her voice so faint that she wasn't even sure if the woman could pick it up.
Somehow, those words caused the anxiety in her stomach to rise once again, to mix with the dampness of her wet clothes until she felt a shiver run up her spine.
In all those weeks that she had worked for them, had sacrificed a part of herself to follow orders that she didn't wholly agree with, she at least had always been able to count on the fact that the commission waited for her briefings, that they were eager to hear what she had found out.
And now it seemed as if she wasn't even as important to them as she had thought she was.
She was just another hero that they controlled, someone that was not important enough to warrant someone as high as the man that led her mission to take time out of his busy schedule to listen to her.
Maybe, her whole mission wasn't as important as she had thought after all.
“So, what is it?”
The voice of the woman was stern and impatient, yet Jirou suddenly felt as if she wasn't sure what to say anymore.
What had she wanted to share?
Her worries, her doubts?
To someone like her, to someone that she was nothing but a task to check off her list?
She wouldn't find guidance here, she was still on her own.
“I just wanted to inform you that me and my…”, she wanted to say team but cut herself off, "the criminals I am observing were ordered to stake out near another villain organization tomorrow…”
“And?”, the woman interrupted, voice still just as distant.
Jirou furrowed her brows in confusion, opening her mouth once to just close it again.
“Well, there´s always the possibility that they could confront us and a fight could break out… In an area that´s rather highly populated”, she added as the silence on the other end became unbearable.
Why wasn't she saying something?
Why didn't she understand why Jirou was so nervous about this?
It was as if she didn't care, as if Jirou´s problems and worries meant nothing to her.
Jirou would have understood that but there were civilian lives at stake too and at least that should have spurred her to action.
“So maybe you could send some heroes into the area just in case?”, her voice sounded brittle in her ears, the question more a beg than anything.
“No”
Her words felt like a crushing weight had been put on Jirou´s shoulders and for a moment, she was sure she had to have misheard something.
The commission had promised her their support for this mission, had led her to believe that she wasn't alone in this.
In all those weeks that she had felt as if she was letting them down by caring too much, had agonized over the choices she had made, had they even cared?
Had they spared a single thought about her?
“There are no heroes that we could spare tomorrow”, the woman's voice was cold and even though she wasn't here, Jirou still felt as if her gaze was burrowing right into her, “You will lead this mission alone. That is what we hired you for after all!”
“But what am I supposed to do if all goes wrong?”, she pressed out, voice laced with worry, “What do I do if a fight breaks out?”
“Nothing!”
The words felt like a slap to the face and Jirou had to lean onto the kitchen counter for support because suddenly her whole room felt like it was spinning.
“You make sure that you get out of there safe and without compromising the mission or indicting the commission!”
“But what about the civilians? What about my team?”, this time the word just carelessly slipped out of her mouth, “I can't just leave them in danger, can I? I'm a hero, after all, it's my duty to protect them!”
Jirou didn't care to mask the despair in her voice anymore.
All of this, the conversation, the expectations they had towards her, felt unreal like a nightmare that she just had to wake up from.
But the sharp edge of her kitchen counter that burrowed itself into her lower stomach reminded her that she was awake, that this was what her life had become.
A bad joke in which Jirou felt as if no one was ever listening to her.
As if she had become a pawn in someone else's game without realizing it.
The woman on the other end of the line released a muffled snort, her voice carrying that she was losing her patience.
“No, your duty is to follow the commission´s protocol. We do not need a sidekick that overestimates their judgment.”
It was silent for a moment, a heavy silence in which Jirou retracted into herself even more as if shrinking under the woman's metaphorical gaze.
Then, the woman huffed once more, her voice now bearing a hint of mockery.
“If you don´t think you can even follow the easiest instructions, then maybe it would be for the better if we tasked someone else with this mission. Maybe you are just not cut out for solo operations.”
Jirou wanted to object, wanted to fiercely tell this woman that she had no right to treat her like this.
But a small part, a very insistent one, kept reminding her that this woman was right, that she just wasn´t equipped for all of this responsibility.
No matter how hard she tried to ignore this truth, the evidence of her failure kept piling up more and more, getting more indisputable with every restless night that passed.
She had already failed, had allowed herself to become too attached to someone that she shouldn't care about.
And she had started to adapt his line of thinking, questioning an organization which commands she should follow without hesitation.
There was no point in lying to herself.
And maybe, if she just agreed with the woman now, told her that she couldn't possibly finish this mission anymore because her judgment was clouded by this warmth in her chest, this heavy weight that pressed down on her chest would disappear.
She would be free of the responsibility, free of this guilty conscience because she couldn't do this job justice anymore.
Maybe then, no one would get hurt.
Not innocent people and not Kaminari.
She wouldn't have to lie to him anymore.
It was a soothing thought, a glimpse of hope that had appeared in the darkness before her.
But Jirou knew it was just that, a tiny flame that wouldn't survive in the hurricane that her life had become.
If she resigned, they would just get another hero to take her place, someone, that didn't care the way she did.
Someone that might not have a problem with sacrificing the brightest smile in her world.
She would just have to watch from the sidelines, hurting at the thought that she could have made a difference, that she could have saved all of them.
“No…”, her voice sounded more determined than she had anticipated, “I am capable of finishing this mission on my own.”
She straightened her spine, fingers clutching the communicator while the features of her face had hardened.
Somehow, the tension in her body didn't feel unpleasant this time, it was more as if all uncertainty and anger had combined and had forced her to finally get back onto her feet even if every muscle in her body ached from the strain.
“Good…”, the woman's voice was as cold as before with no indication that she even cared for Jirou´s change of mind.
“Oh and one more thing…”, the way she paused made a shiver run down Jirou´s spine, “Find a way to get closer to the higher-ups of the organization. The commission isn't interested in their petty crimes anymore, we have no more need for information from the group you are currently observing.”
“But…”, Jirou croaked out, but the deafening sound of the line disconnecting cut her off.
For an endlessly long moment, Jirou just stood there, in the middle of her kitchen, holding on to the communicator with stiff fingers.
Then suddenly, as if someone had opened up a damn, all energy left her, and she slid down the counter and onto the floor where she rested her head against the cool tiles, the communicator slipping out of her grip.
Her stomach felt as if someone had punched a hole right through it but she was too exhausted to feel any kind of panic.
There was only the faint feeling of being betrayed that trickled down her throat like acid, a feeling that had gotten more and more prominent with every word the woman had said.
She felt like a marionette whose ties had suddenly been severed.
Lifeless and unbelievably heavy.
As if there was no way for her to ever get up from the cold floor and go back to her normal life.
Why did everything always change for the worse?
Why could she never catch a break?
She really couldn´t despair in her apartment every evening.
It already felt like a bad habit.
She borrowed her face in her hands and took a few deep breaths, trying to restore order in her thoughts that seemed to be tripping all over themselves with all the new information she had to process.
Somehow, it again felt as if someone had taken a sledgehammer and shattered the last remaining pieces of her life that she still felt she could rely on.
But as it seemed, the commission thought she was exchangeable and her time with Kaminari and Sero would come to an end sooner or later anyways.
She should have known that would happen eventually, shouldn't have been naively blind towards the truth that, yes, she had been the one that they had entrusted with this mission, but not the only one that could lead it.
If they didn't care about the information anymore that she had provided them with, then they could use anybody to infiltrate the higher ranks if they proved to be easier to handle than Jirou.
But she didn't want to be replaced, didn't want to lose this mission even though it felt like it was feeding on her energy every day.
Not as long as she hadn't found a way to safely get Kaminari out of this mess that she had created.
The exhaustion and the helplessness all culminated into a long sigh that she pressed through pursed lips, her body immediately feeling even heavier.
She felt tired, too tired, to replay the conversation over and over in her head, wracking her brain over problems that she had tried and failed to solve so often.
It would only give her a headache.
It was frustrating that even now after she felt as if the commission had partly abandoned her, she still didn't feel any freer than before.
Every step was still monitored and every action she could take still led to the same outcome: She would have to break someone's trust.
With another deep sigh, Jirou propped herself up from the ground, putting her entire weight on the cold surface of the kitchen counter as she did so.
She didn't trust her tired bones to support her anymore.
The few staggering steps toward her couch were already exhausting and as she allowed her tired muscles to capitulate and fall into the cushions, she couldn't help but realize just how tired she was.
When was the last time she had slept carefreely?
She couldn't even remember anymore.
Sluggishly, she reached for one of the pillows, hugging it tightly as she slipped out of consciousness.
It smelled sweet, somewhat like summer days and good times that seemed long gone now.
It reminded her of someone, someone that was as warm as a summer day and that had sat on this couch just yesterday, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tight.
Warmth spread through her body at the thought, laced with the viscously sweet sleep that tugged at the corners of her mind.
At that moment, she felt at peace even if only for a second.
And as she drifted off to sleep, she could feel a smile tugging at the corners of her lips.
The morning had come faster than Jirou would have liked.
The sun which had shone unhindered through the windows of her living room had woken her early, its rays abruptly pulling her out of her pleasant dreams and into harsh reality.
After weeks of nothing but rain, snow, and dark skies, the light that found its way inside had felt strange and out of place, especially now.
After yesterday evening, the sky should have been turbulent and filled with black clouds and not the prettiest it had been in a long while.
It had felt like a bad joke.
Somehow, she hadn't even been sure where she took the strength from, she had gotten ready like every day before, had organized her things and put them into her bag, and had now left out the communicator that she almost couldn't stand to see anymore.
It was strange how her body just kept on moving and moving even after everything that had already happened.
Even if Jirou felt as if terrible news never ceased to find her.
Maybe it was muscle memory or maybe it was the undying hope in her heart that no matter how outlandish it might have sounded, somehow everything would find its happy end.
And no misfortune had managed to completely snuff it out yet.
The coordinates that Kaminari had sent her sometime in the late evening when she had already been asleep, had been a bit further away than their hideout but Jirou had not minded.
The car ride had felt like the last salvation, a few minutes in which she had still been able to compose herself before she would meet the man that made it so hard for her to think at all.
The thought that this day, this part of their mission, would undoubtedly be dangerous had not left her mind since she had talked to the commission yesterday.
No one would come to help her if the worst came to the worst.
She would have to abandon all that she believed in, abandon helpless citizens and even someone that was undoubtedly, no matter how strange that thought sounded, one of the people she cared about the most.
All to follow instructions.
The area in which they would stake out was much nicer than the residences that they occupied usually.
Old trees ranked the clean streets and little shops advertised their goods with antique-looking signs mostly made out of wood and metal while families with children strolled past them.
It looked nothing like the hideout of a big-class villain organization.
But maybe that was the point after all.
Jirou parked her car at the side of the road, ducking to the side quickly as she got out to avoid being hit by the bike of a five-year-old that flew by, loud laughs bubbling from his mouth.
For a moment, Jirou followed the kid with her gaze as it disappeared down the streets, parents hurrying after him.
It sometimes felt so surreal that all of these people's lives just went on while crime was flourishing around them without their knowledge and people like her - heroes - were the ones responsible for keeping it that way.
This community was now - whether they knew it or not - relying on her to keep them safe.
If anything went wrong, no backup would arrive to save the kids that stood in front of the bakery with glassy eyes, no heroes would rescue the families that stopped to look at the flowerbeds on the other side of the street.
And not even she was allowed to save them if a fight were to erupt.
All she could do was prevent it from coming this far.
The thought left a bitter feeling in her stomach.
“Jirou! Hey, Jirou!”
A familiar, cheerful voice snapped her out of her thoughts and she turned towards the bakery where she could see Kaminari now, face pulled into a warm smile and his arms carrying two big bags full of pastries.
He looked better than yesterday, more alive and without that darkness growing in his eyes that she could never stand to face.
Now, those eyes seemed to catch every ray of sunshine again, sparkling brightly as he made his way towards her.
The fear, that Sero had witnessed something that he wasn´t supposed to see, faded into the back of her mind at the way he looked at her with the same kind eyes as always.
As it seemed, she had been lucky this once.
“I thought I'd get us something to eat”, he handed her one of the bags with a smile before his face turned a bit more serious as he mustered her from the side, “How are you feeling?”
Jirou shrugged her shoulders in response.
Every concern that she had, she had already confessed to him when they had been sitting in her living room.
And it had only caused the weight that pressed down on both of their shoulders to feel heavier.
The other fears, the ones that had been aggravated by the phone call last night, she couldn´t share with him.
“All right, I guess…”, she lied, and even though she could see it in the way that Kaminari´s brows furrowed that he didn't believe her, he just nodded along to her words.
“You don't have to worry about today…”
They set themselves in motion again, Jirou following him down the street past all those carefree people that just went on about their day.
How she wished at that moment that they could have been the same, just friends making use of the first sunny day in a while by taking a quiet walk.
“Easier said than done!”, she retorted with a bitter undertone that Kaminari reciprocated with an excusatory glance.
He pulled his mouth into a crooked smile, his hand rubbing the back of his neck.
“I know, I know. But I've done this a couple of times already and it's honestly not that bad. All we have to do is make sure that they don't realize that we´re here!”
Jirou couldn´t stop the incredulous snort that escaped her.
“And also Sero´s keeping an eye on us from outside!”
“Great, just great!”, she huffed sarcastically, ignoring Kaminari´s apologetic facial expression.
She didn't want to sound so… cold and accusatory but a part of her still failed to understand how the man next to her was still able to smile and buy sweet treats for both of them.
How was he not looking over his shoulder the entire time like Jirou did?
Why was he not nervously biting his lip at the mere thought of what could happen today?
Maybe it was his naive optimism.
Or he still did not fear what would happen to him if this all went wrong.
“You do know that they are rushing us because they still suspect that you are their mole?”, she hissed, more forcefully than she had wanted to.
Her emotions had just taken hold of her and at the way that Kaminair averted his gaze now, searching the ground for something that wasn't there, he had anticipated her outburst.
Another loud sigh escaped her, her fingers curling up into fists.
Sometimes, it was so frustrating that he refused to face the facts, refused to look at her, and accept that no amount of silly jokes or brave smiles could change the fact that he was in danger.
Sometimes, she just wanted to take him by the shoulders and shake him, shake him until he could understand that even the thought of him getting hurt was now unbearable to her.
“Well, there's not much we can do about that, is there?”
Kaminari looked up at her again, a defeated smile grazing his lips.
The look in his eyes caused the anger that had bubbled up in her, to die on her lips, leaving her speechless for a second.
There was something in their amber, a certainty that she couldn't tear her eyes away from.
It was like the glint of determination, the undying persistence to keep on following this path until the earth would crumble away underneath his feet.
Kaminari believed in his innocence, believed that they would change their mind eventually.
He was stubborn to a fault.
“I guess not”, Jirou gave in, ignoring the wave of resignation that washed over her.
Instead, she just kept her pace steady, trying to tune out the lively chatter around them and the sound of a life that she had given up on back when she had decided to become a hero.
She could feel Kaminari´s gaze on her from time to time as if he still wanted to say something.
But he remained quiet, not saying a word until they arrived in front of a nice-looking building, windows decorated with flower boxes and the stairs leading up to the door so clean that they had to have been swept not too long ago.
An apartment in this house would probably exceed her income by quite a lot.
“This is the place?”
The skepticism in her voice was hard to miss but Kaminari only nodded.
“They're one of the richest crime organizations in the city”, he explained, “They have a bunch of places like this from which they lead smaller schemes. Makes you think maybe you´ve chosen the wrong gang to run with, huh?”
He pulled his lips into a crooked grin at the last part.
“Anyways… The higher-ups managed to get us an apartment in the house for the next few days. So it shouldn't be very hard to spy on them…”, he turned his face towards her, his elbow nudging her lightly as he continued, “Especially with your quirk!”
Jirou just nodded quietly.
She knew that she would probably be way too busy worrying about every creaking of the floorboards and any loud noises coming from outside to catch anything their targets would say.
Already, her hands were feeling clammy and the sight of their breakfast alone made her stomach churn.
All of this had bad idea written all over it.
But for her mission's sake, she had to keep pretending.
Just playing the part as best as possible.
The inside of the building was even nicer.
High ceilings with old but classy-looking lamps and an expensive-looking parquet floor reminded her more of a hotel than a place in which criminals hid from the law and for a moment, she was tempted to ask Kaminari if he was just messing with her.
But he traversed the long halls so confidently, making his way towards a door on the second floor, that Jirou discarded the idea pretty quickly.
“Ladies first!”
Kaminari gestured towards the apartment door that he had just opened and Jirou walked past him, not without dropping a sarcastic curtsy as she did so.
It took them about a few minutes to set their equipment up, cameras, laptops, and other monitors that Jirou wasn't even sure what they belonged to.
The communicator that Sero had given them so that they could stay in touch, found its place in the middle of the room.
Jirou was about to reach for it, telling Sero that they would now begin when Kaminari gently grabbed her arm, stopping her very effectively.
“What?”, Jirou pressed out, her arm feeling unnaturally hot where his fingers touched it.
“Not yet, okay?”
He let go of her, falling back into one of the comfortable-looking chairs that were placed in the living room, his eyes looking at her imploringly.
“Can we at least eat something before you go back to staring at me with icy eyes the entire time?”
“I do not do that!”, Jirou protested but it sounded less sharp than she had meant to.
Maybe because the warmth from her arm had spread into her stomach and upset it even more.
Kaminari cocked his head to the side, beringed fingers now absentmindedly playing with a lock that had fallen out of his ponytail.
“And if I do, it's because I am thinking!”
The answer still didn't seem to satisfy him.
“I know, I know…”, a sigh escaped his lips, “But can we act as if we´re back at the bookstore for just a few minutes? Just chat about stupid stuff while you make fun of me for not guessing your favorite band correctly?”
He rested his head on the back of the chair now, eyes burrowing into hers, their gaze filled with something that reminded her of herself: a form of regret, a longing for a time that they couldn't go back to.
A part of her ached to agree.
“I miss that, you know. Just meeting you there every day. It was always the highlight of my day!”
His words felt heavy even though a smile grazed his lips and somehow they managed to get under her skin, sneak past the wall that she had tried to erect around her feelings to keep them from interfering with her life even more.
It caused her heart to beat faster.
But it ached with every beat, reminding her that the woman he had met back then, had been someone else, someone she couldn't be anymore.
“But we're not in the bookstore anymore”, she retorted, voice colder than before.
The smile on Kaminari´s face wavered slightly, the spark in his eyes dulling.
He kept quiet for an awful moment, his gaze dropping towards his knees.
“Part of me thinks it was fate, you know? Meeting you there that day, I mean…”, he looked up again, eyes filled with an honesty that caused all words to die on her lips, “And I am truly glad it happened. I know this sounds stupid and… and I don´t know why I´m telling you all of this now, honestly!”
He pushed the loose strand of hair back behind his ear, his gaze still holding hers.
“But if I hadn't met you that day, I feel like I would have missed out on something, on someone that is now indispensable to me”, his teeth burrowed into his bottom lip but Jirou couldn´t tear her gaze away from those honey-colored eyes that looked so insecure all of a sudden, “Jirou, I… I really…”
He paused, letting out a chuckle that didn't seem to fit the look in his eyes, “You´re a great person. And I am glad that we ran into each other back then!”
Jirou´s heart felt as if someone had just pierced a knife into it and then twisted it around until its beats sounded more like desperate cries in her ears.
She felt warm, so undeniably, comfortably warm when she looked at him now.
But simultaneously, she felt as if her body had fallen for a long time and now finally hit the ground.
“Kaminari…”
Her mind felt unbearably numb, fingers clutching the hem of her shirt.
His almost golden eyes looked at her with anticipation.
“We don't have time for this! We should be working!”
Her voice sounded strangely foreign in her ears, the words too harsh and cold.
She could see the faint smile on Kaminari´s face fading, his gaze dropping back to his knees, the spark in them extinguished.
Her words had hurt him, she could see it in the way he drew in a sharp breath now, and she had hurt herself just the same.
But it was necessary, she kept repeating to herself, it was necessary to stop him from occupying more and more of her thoughts.
She didn't want to hurt him, she wanted to protect him.
And protecting him meant keeping him at arm's length away from her.
It wasn't good fate that had caused them to meet.
It had been a cruel joke of the universe, dead set on causing them both to go down in flames.
“I'm gonna call Sero now!”, she muttered into the quiet of the room but Kaminari barely reacted.
He just nodded, fingers restlessly tapping onto his knees.
The sight caused her heart to sting.
“Hey Sero…”, her fingers clutched the small communicator in her hands as she walked into one of the other rooms in the apartment, away from the boy whose feelings she had just hurt, “We´re ready to begin now!”