Chapter Text
«Got it.»
Atsumu has discovered, over time, that Sakusa is a very good listener. Maybe he's not the tips-and-advice person, but he's able to follow someone's outburst from the first to the last word without ever interfering.
Atsumu had wondered repeatedly if the boy was just pretending to be listening, but his eyes were scrupulously careful. He didn't miss a single syllable of Atsumu's speeches, not even the rashest ones.
«I know you'll find it hard to believe,» he says. «But Osamu will begin to recover. It may take longer than the others, but he'll figure out a way to move forward. They all do.»
Atsumu thinks that phrase sounds too personal. «I know. Samu's strong.»
He feels Sakusa's gaze on him and follows his movements out of the corner of his eye.
«Satisfied?»
Atsumu thiks about it. «I guess? I mean, I'm gonna miss this. But there's nothing left to keep me here.»
Sakusa barely nods. Atsumu looks down at his legs swinging over the water. They are sitting on the wall of a little-frequented bridge, the Yodo River flowing below them.
A passerby crosses the road and their shadow is reflected on the greenish water. No one pays attention to the two boys, because their reflection is as invisible as they are.
Atsumu wonders if his appearance has changed during these months. Not being able to see himself in the mirror, his image became less and less clear in his head and...
«Omi?»
«Hm?»
Atsumu blinks repeatedly and keeps staring at his hand.
«What?» the other insists.
Atsumu raises his arm and Sakusa's skin becomes cadaveric. The fingers of the left hand have become so clear that even Atsumu finds it hard to recognize them.
«The fuck is happening?» he asks.
Sakusa makes no sound and Atsumu feels his resolve falter.
«Omi... am I disappearing?»
It seems like Sakusa wants to look away, but his obsidian eyes are still on Atsumu's hand.
«No!» Atsumu explodes, starting to shake the other ghost by his shoulders. «No, no- I can't leave now! We haven't fixed yer regrets yet!»
«You said it yourself,» Sakusa underlines, distant. «Now you are at peace with yourself.»
«What?» Atsumu bursts out, dazed. «That's not- I wanna help ya! Could never leave ya here all alone!»
«It doesn't matter what you want now,» explains Sakusa, continuing to flee Atsumu's face. «You solved your last problems from when you were alive. Your kami can rest undisturbed.»
«I don't give a shit about my kami!» he screams. «Ya knew it! Ya knew I'd leave first and ya did nothing to stop it! Now let's get to the bottom of yer fucking regret before I completely fade or-»
«Miya.»
Atsumu freezes. Sakusa's hands go up his jaw until they lean gently on his face. «There's nothing left to do.»
That's when Atsumu breaks. «Whatcha mean? There's always a solution.»
Sakusa's gaze becomes almost merciful and Atsumu would rather sink to the bottom of the river than keeps looking at him.
«Not this time.»
The words echo in the silence of the evening. Atsumu grits his teeth and strikes him with a cruel expression. «Ha. Nice try, Omi. Don't think'm really gonna leave ya here.» Sakusa opens his mouth, but Atsumu intervenes before he can defend himself: «What happened to our deal, huh? To ya, it was just stupid, worthless words, wasn't it?»
«That's not it.»
«Then tell me, Kyioomi.» Atsumu's voice becomes sharp as a knife. «Tell me why ya lost all hope.»
«I told you, there is no solution to my problem.»
«Bullshit. I'm tired of yer enigmatic games. Tell me what the fuck is going on.»
Sakusa closes his eyes and sighs deeply.
«There was a boy in high school, his name doesn't matter. I used to get shunned by all my classmates, but he was a good friend. After two years I realized...» he bites a lip. «Well, it wasn't friendship.»
Atsumu stiffens.
«There were many signs that showed that- er, it was just a one-sided crush. So I never did. I never took the first step. Then he found a girl and, after high school, went to live with her.» Bitter tears are forming in the corners of his eyes and Atsumu would just like to dry them away. «You have no idea how much I've suffered. Go after someone for years, and watch them fall in love with another person, hurt me more than my own death.»
Atsumu is beginning to understand why Sakusa has been hiding it all this time.
«He was there, the day I...» his voice is broken. «I knew I didn't have much left. I wanted to be honest, but I couldn't do that to him. He was happy and enjoying his life. I couldn't put such a heavy burden on him.»
«Omi...» Atsumu doesn't even know what to say.
«I didn't have the audacity to express my feelings, because I would have ruined him forever. So my last thought went to him.» his breath trembles. «It's always been him.»
Atsumu escapes the boy's touch. Sakusa inclines his head, puzzled, and Atsumu understands that he is not able to read his expression.
«Then it won't be a problem. Let's take ya to him and it's done.»
Atsumu would like his voice not to sound so hard, but in no way can he hide the heart that has just been broken is his own.
«A simple confession will suffice. There's no way he could hear ya. Where he lives? We don't have much time left.» He looks down at his hand and winces when he realizes that the entire palm is already in transparency. «Shit.»
«Miya...»
«We'll take a train if he's settled out of town. Please, tell me he lives nearby.»
«Miya.»
«I may have minutes, Omi. If we don't hurry, I'm gonna...»
«Miya, stop it. It's not gonna work.»
Atsumu emits a trembling murmur. «Ya don't know it.»
«Yes, I do.»
«Go to him and admit ya love him. I'm- fuck, there's no way- I won't leave ya here!»
«I can't do that.»
«Why not?»
«'Cause it'd be a lie.»
All of Atsumu's anger goes out of his throat. «What?»
«You heard me.»
«Ya don't love him?»
Sakusa looks away. «I stopped loving him for a while, actually.»
Atsumu is so stunned that he could fall into the river at any moment. «You... you what?»
Sakusa keeps his eyes set on the bridge. «I told you. I'm stuck here.»
«No. No, yer not.» Atsumu shakes his head. «Yer regret is that ya never admitted yer real feelings, right? Just find someone else. After I'm gone, I want ya to fall in love again and...»
«Drop it, Miya.»
«The hell is wrong with ya?» the boy screams.
«Please, shut up.»
«Ya wanna be a ghost forever?»
«Shut up, for God's sake.»
«Wander alone for eternity?»
«I told ya to stop it.»
«Why won't ya listen to me? Speak, damn it!»
«'Cause I don't want to do this to you!» Sakusa explodes, immediately putting his hands on his mouth.
Atsumu squints his eyes and is forced to lean against the wall while that phrase resonates in his ears.
«Fuck!» Sakusa sinks his fingertips into the flesh of his cheeks. «I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to- I really apologize. If only...»
Atsumu grabs the boy's wrists and, after forcefully separating them, he makes their lips crash together.
«Mhpf...» Sakusa mumbles, straightening his back for shock. Atsumu invades his space and leans forward to chase the kiss.
It's not ardent and it's not even passionate. It's a tender kiss, which hides the taste of uncertainty.
When Sakusa's mouth opens, the ghost leans back, hesitating. He tries to say something, but Sakusa's fingers squeeze around his collar and lure him into a desperate request.
Atsumu wraps his arms around Sakusa's neck and lets himself be pervaded by the frenzy. Sakusa's hands slide down his biceps, back up his shoulders, and dwell on the corners of his jaw, cupping his face.
When Atsumu deepens the kiss, the breath of both becomes heavier. Desire becomes extreme and greedy.
Atsumu's fingers play with dark curls and enjoy weaving them. Sakusa gasps and reaches out to him as if they could become one. Atsumu wishes to be alive only to know the taste of those lips that have haunted his dreams for the last three months.
When they separate, their noses keep brushing against each other.
«We shouldn't...» murmurs Sakusa, but he's interrupted by the other ghost.
«Fuck it, Omi.» Atsumu surrounds his shoulders and rests his forehead on Sakusa's. «Pretending didn't help ease the pain, and ya know it as well as I do.»
Sakusa's hands descend upon his neck and linger. «I don't think it was the best choice,» he says, «but it was the one I needed.»
Atsumu smiles and gently caresses his cheekbone. Sakusa's reflection is so pale that his hand could pass through him. Atsumu still thinks it's absolutely beautiful.
«We're two idiots,» he laughs. «Two idiots convinced that, in order to survive, it was necessary to tell a lie.»
Sakusa sighs at his lips. «Not a problem until you admit it out loud, huh?»
«We were wrong, though,» Atsumu continues. «Y'know what I told myself? That if I kept this secret just for me, I would've keep ya safe.»
«Yeah,» Sakusa smiles, too. «Sounds familiar.»
«Now look at us.» Atsumu's laughter is becoming increasingly bitter. «A simple kiss has hurt us as much as months of silence.»
Sakusa's voice trembles. «Miya...»
«It's true, Omi. Telling the truth didn't hurt more than lying.»
Sakusa gives Atsumu a soft kiss before backing out. The other ghost tries in vain to hold back tears. This time, his lips tasted like goodbye.
«Ya have no reason to keep yer feelings inside anymore, do ya? I'll suffer anyway. 'S already a bloody hell, Omi.»
When he breaks down, Sakusa wraps him in his arms. He's holding Atsumu like someone's gonna take him away any minute.
«I've asked myself many times in these weeks. Why can't we stay here? Why can't we put sadness aside and continue in this way? Ignoring the guilt and grief of our relatives, pretending it doesn't break our hearts every time we meet a human being on the streets. Why can't we get used to this insignificant existence?»
Sakusa drags a hand on his back and Atsumu lets slip a spasm.
«Why can't we be enough?»
Sakusa sighs in pain. «Love is not enough, Miya. Not in this life.»
Atsumu closes his eyes and sinks his face into Sakusa's shoulder. «I know. But I wish I could have loved ya when it still meant something.»
Sakusa leans his chin over his head and leaves a kiss between the golden tufts. «I know you heard me crying at night. I tried to keep me because you slept by my side, but I just needed your arms.»
Atsumu's fingers sink into his chest.
«And I hated myself because you didn't want to admit that this hurt you. That it broke your heart.»
Maybe part of Atsumu already knew about it.
«Say it, Omi.» He hiccups on his shirt. «Say it before it's too late. 'Cause if I am forced to live a forever of loneliness, I wanna eternally hold onto this memory.»
Sakusa doesn't answer right away. Atsumu doesn't know how long it takes to hear those five words, but he doesn't care. His chest starts to rise and fall regularly. The red sun is reflected on the water and the rays reach the two of them. Atsumu is lulled by the other boy until the moment arrives.
The wire breaks.
«I love you, Miya Atsumu.»
It doesn't hurt. Words caress him like a slight breeze. Atsumu rubs his nose in the recess of Sakusa's neck.
«I loved you for a short time,» Sakusa continues. «but I will love you forever, I guess.»
Something is unlocked inside them. Atsumu doesn't know what it is, but he understands why it's happening.
His arms start to tingle until the feeling just becomes perceptible.
«Hey, Omi. Where would ya take me on a first date?»
Sakusa makes his tongue pop. «Seriously?»
«Seriously.»
«Hm. Probably, a long walk under the Christmas lights.»
«Ya stole my idea!»
Sakusa chuckles and Atsumu focuses on that sound to reproduce it in his mind every moment that he has left.
«How about the park?»
«Predictable. I prefer the cinema,» Atsumu replies.
«Too crowded. A volleyball game?»
«Ya got me. Then?»
«Then we'd walk until sunset.»
«Sick, but sentimental. After that?»
«We would have sat on the wall of a bridge,» concludes the boy, «and we'd have spoken.»
«About?»
«Anything. School, passions, hobbies. No hurry. We'd have had all the time in the world.»
Atsumu knows what it feels like in moments of sadness. But this time, the feeling is new to him.
It's melancholy without regret. It's despondency without disappointment.
«Hey, Omi. Ya still think there'll be nothing on the other side?»
Sakusa fondly presses his lips against his temple. «I don't know. I told you I don't believe in any afterlife.»
Atsumu melts from the embrace to look straight at him. «But?»
The boy's eyes soften. «But you make me hope for something, Miya.»
Sakusa's image is tenuous and confused, so Atsumu only focuses on his eyes. He always had a weakness for that intense look.
He doesn't know if Kiyoomi really thinks that. But that's what he wants to hear.
«What about reincarnation?» he asks, pulling a curl from Sakusa's forehead.
Sakusa shrugs his shoulders. «You wouldn't have your Hell with Ewan McGregor.»
«Wouldn't be worth it if I lost my memory.»
«Hm. Perhaps it's better for my soul to cease to exist, then. I don't want to forget you.»
«Oh, ya could never,» Atsumu jokes. «And in that case, I'd come after ya.»
Sakusa dries the last tear left on his cheek. «What if you can't find me? Life doesn't give you unlimited time.»
Atsumu snorts a laugh and presses a finger against Sakusa's chest. «There's a spot between life and death. You'll wait for me there.»
Sakusa wraps his fingers around Atsumu's hand and squeezes it. The boy's contours are getting less and less sharp. Through the transparent reflections, Atsumu sees the warm colors of the sunset.
He thinks he would've liked to live with Sakusa.
«Hey, Atsumu.»
When he looks up, he only encounters the glow of a smile.
«See you on the other side.»
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