Chapter Text
Maya likes to run, that’s one of the first she learns about her. She knew it was kind of her thing since Maya won a gold medal because of it but she didn’t think it would be this intense, her relationship with running.
One time Carina woke up slightly after six in the morning and reached out blindly for Maya’s warmth . Not finding it, she thought that Maya had one of her ‘I shouldn’t have come here’ moment and left her but the blonde came back an hour later with breakfast. And when Carina asked her where she was, Maya just shrugged ‘I went for a run’, she replied.
A run. At six in the morning. Pazza.
She uses it as a workout too, obviously, but also as an outlet, whenever she’s feeling too stressed or too overwhelmed, Maya runs. And it’s not a light jog either, it’s a full ten miles run every time she feels some kind of anger bubbling inside or some hard feeling she doesn’t want to deal with.
She runs after they fight too. They don’t fight very often, and most of the times it’s about little things and it’s tied to their stressful work schedule that make them snap over the most random and minimal thing. The first time they fight, Maya doesn’t answer the phone for two hours and when Carina gets a message it only says,
Went for a run, I’m sorry. Can I come by later?
So, yeah. Maya likes to run.
But Carina guesses that everyone has their own coping mechanism.
Arizona is the first person she connects with.
Seattle is big and wet and rainy and it’s really hard to get used to it but when she’s with Arizona the whole city fades in the background.
Things with Andrea are rocky at firsts so it is nice to have a distraction in the form of a blonde woman but it soon turns out to be more than.
The blonde is funny and smart and caring. The sex is great, and she loves to tease Arizona just so she can watch her squirm and the blush take over her face. They also work really well together, and Carina think she might fall for this woman if she really let herself.
Arizona has a difficult past, a complicated present. Her family, her daughter is all the way across the country and Carina wonders for a moment if she unconsciously look for partners that share the same kind of pain she does. If this is what makes her fall in love.
Things works well until Sofia comes into the picture and Carina is an adult, she is a grown woman so she’s not about to blame a child for their break-up because really, it’s not her fault.
Arizona is doing what her parents couldn’t do after all and Carina can only admire her for that.
But she can’t help if her voice shakes when she speaks. “I just wish that was best for her isn’t what’s worst for me”
And then Arizona is kissing her, their lips wet with Carina’s tears. It’s a goodbye kiss, it’s bittersweet and it’s full of many what if, what would have happened, what could have been of us if you’d stay.
And then she walks out the door, leaving her behind and adding her to all the other what ifs of her life.
Their relationship is going strong. They’re solid and happy.
She thinks about building a future with her, she thinks about her all the time, and she wants to be around her so much it’s almost sickening.
She knows what the warmth bubbly feeling inside her stomach is now and she’s not afraid it of it- she’s never have been actually - if anything, it makes her feel excited because she can see it reflected in Maya’s eyes.
She’s never had a love like Maya. She loved many people in her life, a few more intensely than others but she never loved someone like Maya.
They don’t say it out loud yet, but it is on the tip of her tongue most of the time.
She almost say it when Maya comes home after a long shift with take-out and Carina’s favorite and expensive wine, she almost say it every time Maya gives her comfort and shelter when talking about Andrea and reassure of what an incredible sister she is. She wants to say it when Maya gets injured - nothing too dramatic, just a cut on her head - but enough to make Carina’s heart race. She wants to say it when Maya hugs her from behind when she’s drunk and whispers sweet nothing in her hear, not caring about the less than appropriate comments their friends make when they see them leaving together.
She wants to say it but she doesn’t get the chance to because things start going downhill.
It all starts when Carina meets Maya’s mom for the first time. It’s awkward and she feels like she’s sixteen again, having been caught making out with the girl she likes.
Maya’s mom, Katherine, is sweet and composed, too composed Carina notices. Her posture is weird, as if she’s forcing herself to relax after a long time standing at attention.
Carina introduces herself, because her mama raised her to always be polite and reluctantly pulls away from Maya’s hand because she feels Katherine has sometimes to say to Maya that goes beyond Maya’s captaincy. She gives the blonde an apologetic smile and leaves the office, choosing to help with the dinner.
When Katherine excites the office a few minutes later, when all the firefighters are called in, she’s snuffling just slightly. Carina looks around to see who is still there. There are a few firefighters but no one that she knows so she takes a breath and approaches Katherine.
She offers her a napkin and Katherine seems surprised by the gesture, she’s even more surprised when she sees who the offering hand belong to.
“Thanks, dear”
She says in a little voice.
“Are you okay?”
She asks, because she is polite and also, Carina never backed down from offering help.
Katherine shakes her head. “It’s been a rough couple of days” she dries her tears “I’m divorcing my husband”
“I’m sorry to hear that” is all Carina can offer. She knows divorces are hard.
“Don’t be. It’s not hard because of that” Katherine continues.
Carina wants to stop her because she’s feeling as if she’s intruding in Maya’s life without her permission. Katherine seems like she needs to talk though, and Carina doesn’t want to discourage her.
“if you need any kind of help…”
“You’re very sweet” Katherine stops her, changing the subject “Are you and Maya close?”
She asks instead.
Carina can count on one hand the times she has been left speechless and now she gets to add another finger. It’s not like she wants to hide her relationship with Maya, but she doesn’t know where Maya’s mom stands in her life. So, she settles for a half truth.
“Maya is very dear to me”
Katherine nods, if she sees through the half-truth Carina tells she doesn’t show it.
They try to keep themselves busy after that. There are things to move and table to set and Katherine is happy to keep her mind away from her own thoughts. More than hour pass before Maya’s team come back in. Carina and Katherine are in the middle of sharing recipes when Maya makes her way towards them.
Her stance is rigid, stiff, defensive. Her words to her mom are harsh but Katherine voice doesn’t waver when she tells Maya the difference from tough and abuse.
Carina can’t help it. She goes to stand next to Maya, takes her hand. Doesn’t care if Katherine is aware of their relationship. But Maya is unresponsive, and her hand is limp at her side, she doesn’t clutch her hand like she did back in her office, she doesn’t respond to her touch.
It takes Carina back to all the time Maya would shut her out. To all the time Maya’s behavior changed from relaxed to stiff every time Carina would say something that hit too close to home.
Maya is angry, doesn’t want to understand her mom’s point of view, doesn’t want to believe it’s the truth.
Carina, unfortunately, has seen what abuse is like and she knows Katherine’s right. She knows Maya is in denial.
She knows it will take a while. She doesn’t know what it will cost.
Her mom makes a surprise visit one summer.
It’s a hot day in Sicily but Carina is lucky enough to have some time off work to come visit her family and enjoy a few days at the beach. Recharging her batteries before going back to Milan.
She’s laying on the beach with a few childhood friends she’s still in contact with, when she feels her name being called.
Her mamma is walking towards her and Carina has to do a double take. She looks at the drink in her hands, wondering if it’s too strong and making her see things. But her mamma doesn’t disappear, she’s not a ghost, she’s very much still walking towards her, waving her hand thinking Carina hasn’t seen her and calling her name.
Carina gets up then and meets her halfway.
“Mamma?” she half asks half greets her.
“Ciao, Tesoro” her mom says, opening her arm and taking in her daughter.
Carina hugs her back, just as tight and inhales the sweet scent that has marked her entire childhood. Her mom hugs her a little too long, but Carina isn’t about to complain. Their relationship has been rocky, with many ups and downs, many bumps in the road but at the end of the day Carina loves her mom and she learned to cherish every single moment they get to spend together. So that’s what she does.
She instantly ditches her friends and hangs out with her mom instead.
They spend a lot of time together, Carina taking her mom to visit all her relatives – there are a lot – and doing all the typical mother-daughter things that they didn’t get the chance to do before. They don’t mention her father, he remains a lingering shadow-ghost locked in a cage and for once, Carina prefers it that way. They go shopping and they stop to take a typical granita which Carina enjoyed ever since she was a kid, a few people – long-time friends of her mom, Carina will later find out - stops them to talk to Lucia, asking her how is she doing and curios to know what’s America like. Lucia answers each question with a lovely smile on her face, glad to have the chance to reconnect with some of her friends.
Her heart is flooded with affection. She wonders if this is what her life would have been if her mom stayed in Italy, if she hadn’t moved all the way across the ocean.
The day before her mom is set to leave they have dinner, just the two of them, in a nice and cozy restaurant.
They spend the night talking about medicine, about Carina’s career, about her loves, about anything and nothing.
Carina doesn’t know it yet but it will become one of the best memories she has of her mom.
And the next day, Lucia dies.
And Carina adds another type of heartbreak to her collection.
The following days are lived in a weird quiet limbo.
Maya apologizes for raising her voice at the spaghetti dinner and Carina accepts it easily. She knows it wasn’t easy taking in all that her mom had to say to her, she also knows denial, and she doesn’t want to add more weight to the already difficult baggage that Maya has to carry around.
So they’re in this weird bubble where what happened lingers in the air but neither of them brings it up.
But Carina cares, deeply and she has to try, she has to push because abuse is serious, and abuse needs therapy and Maya needs her.
Carina knows there is a reason why Maya rarely mentions her father and never ever mention her mother.
She knows Maya’s military attitude comes from somewhere, somewhere close, like home, because only a parent, or a figure close enough to it, could install such things into the little mind of a child.
She knows Maya isn’t aware of any of that.
But when she walks through Maya’s apartment, she doesn’t get a chance to talk before the blonde is kissing her. Maya pushes her until she’s pressed to the wall and when she stops and looks at her, her lips are swollen and her eyes carry an unsaid question. Carina nods, whisper a yes and then Maya is taking her again, pushing and pulling, giving her all she has. They messily make their way into the bedroom and fumble on the bed.
Carina knows what Maya needs, what she wants. She wants teeth and bites and scratch, and she gives her all she has too. She digs her nails into Maya’s back when she comes, she bites her favorite spot – the one where Maya’s neck meets her shoulder where her skin is soft and she can smell her Maya’s smell. It’s when they’re spent and resting on the bed that she tries.
It doesn’t work at all.
“I haven’t talked to her since the spaghetti dinner” Maya says in a defensive voice, like she already knows what’s coming.
Carina tries to keep her relaxed, plays with her hair, strokes her arm, keeps going. “Don’t you think you should try?”
Maya is stubborn, doesn’t see no reason. “Why?”
“Because” she laughs at Maya stubborn crunchy face. “she’s your mom and she’s hurting and-“
She’s stopped by Maya before she can go on. The blonde sits up, giving her the shoulders, a clear sign that she wants out of the conversation. They keep going back and forth while Maya is dressing herself, irritated and already done with the conversation.
“Stop” she shouts after another attempt from Carina to get her to talk. She turns around, looking at Carina over her shoulder. “Please” she adds in a softer voice.
Carina watches her leave, she knows she’ll have to try again.
The fight again in the kitchen and this time Maya doesn’t just leave the room, she leaves the apartment, leaving Carina behind, feeling sorry and sad.
She comes back almost two hours later. Carina is worried sick but she doesn’t want to push her more than she already has and so she lets her be, doesn’t text and doesn’t call. She lets Maya handle her own emotion in whatever way she finds more fit, running she guesses, and she doesn’t push, choosing to give her the time and space she needs even if it drives her crazy.
She thinks about leaving but the need to see Maya and to make sure she is okay is stronger and she stays rooted where she is, near the window down the hallway.
She hears the clink of the keys before she watches Maya walk into the apartment. Her stance is still rigid, her face is scrunched up into an angry frown and she looks like she is ready to fight the world or whoever dares to come at her. That means Carina too.
“I thought you left…” is the first thing Maya says.
And Carina gets the message, I hoped you left is what Maya really wants to say. Carina’s voice wavers a little bit but she wants to makes this right and talking is the only way to do so, so she decides to be honest but Maya interrupts her, set on the war path.
“I don’t need anything expect space…” she says harshly shaking her head.
Carina has seen many sides of Maya, but this one is new. It’s the raw, wounded side of Maya, the one that makes Maya attacks before she is attacked, the one where Maya hurt others, so she isn’t the one that ends up getting hurt. And really, Carina gets it, it’s only human after all, the animal instinct to protect themselves.
But Carina tries again because she loves Maya. She loves her and she wants to make things right and she wants to help her and she wants her to overcome whatever she is feeling right now. She is ready to take harsh words and cold stare because she wants to be with Maya. She’s ready to be by her side as she faces the years of abuse, ready to support her in any way she needs.
They bicker back and forth and Carina is tired and worried and exasperated but she is a fighter too, that’s what her mamma used to tell her, that she was a fighter and she never backed down from a challenge so she’s not about to do it now, especially when someone she loves is involved.
“…I’m trying not to be mad…” she says but she is interrupted once again, for the last time.
“I just slept with Jack an hour ago so be mad at that” Maya throws at her face.
She opens the door to the bedroom with her shoulder and closes it back with hard, making the conversation end there.
And this time Carina doesn’t have any energy to fight back, because her heart doesn’t just break…
… it shatters.
Carina watches as her brother squirms. His tiny arms waving around, and his face scrunched up in a frown. He’s always crying these days, her mom told her that it was because he had some tummy issue.
Carina tried not to let it bother her, because she vowed to love her brother but it is really difficult to do so when her favorite cartoon is on and Andrea’s crying cover up the noise of the television.
She huffs, her mother also told her to be patient but this being an older sister thing is proving to be so difficult already.
She watches as Lucia takes Andrea in her arms. The little scrunched up form of her brother instantly setting on her shoulder, sniffling now and much more relaxed.
They sway together for a few minutes, her mother’s voice gently lulling Andrea back to sleep. Carina watches fascinated as the baby stops crying and goes back to sleep, unbothered by the chaos he just made.
She gets up then and walks into the kitchen. She stands on her tiptoes and watch as Andrea sleeps in his crib, a question on the tip of her tongue.
“Mom?” she asks tentatively.
Lucia doesn’t turn around, too busy tidying the kitchen. She knows she has to make the most of it before Andrea wakes up again. “Yes, dear?”
“How do you know you love someone?” she asks, gaze still focused on baby Andrea.
Lucia stops. She turns around to look at Carina, at her baby girl. She smiles, always so curios. She dries her hand on a towel and sits on the chair, patting her lap. Giving Carina all the attention and devotion the conversation requires.
Carina walks over to her and hops on her lap with her mom’s help.
“ah, that’s a big question. Let’s see…” Lucia contemplates the question, looking from her sleeping son to her daughter’s deep curios eyes. How do you explain love to a kid? “Okay, take Mr White for example…” starting with a stuffed animal seems like a good idea. Carina’s eyes, indeed, light up at the mention of the of her white stuffed bear. “…you love him very much right?” Carina nods eagerly “remember when we had to reattach his arm?”
Carina nods, that was one of her scariest night. A dog had found Mr White in their garden and started chewing on him, effectively tearing his arm away from his body. She remembers crying so much her whole body began to sob.
“You were there for him the whole time, right? Because you love him and he needed you. When you love someone you try very hard to take care of them, it means you want the best for them and you want to protect them.”
Carina fidgets with her mom’s hands and Lucia knows she’s thinking really hard about what she just said. Carina is a very smart kids, she’s a ball of energy but she’s also pensive, in her own way.
“And what if I love Mr White so much I don’t have enough love for everybody else?”
“Another great question, Carina” Lucia says, booping her on the nose. “You see, love is not something you run out of, it may change but never expire. Each person you’ll meet in your life will give you love, some more than others, and you’ll give it back in return, to them or to someone else. But, if you do think you’re running out of love, just remember this.”
“What?” Carina asks once again, curios to learn.
“That I gave you so much love you’ll be good for twenty lifetimes”