Chapter Text
entry_33
1130 hours, Monday, February 19, 1973.
I think this is going to be my last journal for some time, if not indefinitely. Herr Engineer and I had a talk, and we came to the conclusion that keeping our recorded memoirs of these past months in such easily accessible files is too dangerous. After this one is finished, I will move all entries to a secure partition, and Herr Engineer and I will, well, follow Miss Pauling's advice. We will act as though the story she told the Administrator is the truth. It will, perhaps, take some time to get used to. I have grown quite accustomed to writing these entries. It has become a ritual of comfort for me despite the lack of any practical application. But now that I have teammates to socialize with once more, teammates who don't just think I am broken, maybe getting used to this new life won't be so difficult.
This is a good entry to end on anyways because we finally performed the surgery. There were some complications, I am afraid. The problem was that some of the interfaces used to translate Herr Engineer's neural processes into signals his mechanical body could use had a significant amount of scar tissue that had grown up around them. Not only did this make their removal difficult to do without damaging the brain, but the scar tissue itself was not... helping much, in terms of allowing his brain to function in a healthy, normal fashion. What I mean is that these electronic interfaces weren't mere additions anymore but, so far as I could ascertain, vital augments his brain had slowly, passively come to accept as parts of itself. We could take Herr Engineer out of the machine, but we could not take all of the machine out of him.
To my dismay, Herr Medic was not particularly helpful when I pointed this out.
Medic unit: Hmm. Well nothing ventured, nothing gained! Hold him down bitte und tell me if he starts twitching.
He grasped one of the larger plugs with both hands. He had to dig a little in the loose ends of wires we had already disconnected-- the ones leading to the sensors and the motors Herr Engineer could move voluntarily. I did not go to hold the metal body down.
0031: What are you doing? Removing these is likely to damage the processor's functionality.
Medic unit: Well we have to TRY, obviously. We can always try again if we don't succeed the first time.
0031: I am not sure about that though!
I grabbed his wrist, and he gave me a very... concerning look.
Medic unit: Let go of me.
0031: Herr Medic, he is not yet connected to respawn. You have your medigun trained on the body to keep it alive. This is not the time to take unnecessary risks!
Medic unit: You don't trust my abilities then?
0031: I only think that, ah, this would be a gut time for caution. We can experiment later. Please.
He watched me narrowly. For a moment I thought he might do something rash, but then he let go and took a step back. One of his doves cooed, and maybe it was just me but it sounded as unsettled as I felt.
Medic unit: All right then. I suppose you want to just put the brain into his skull with everything attached?
0031: I don't think we have a choice. The main bulk of the interfaces are flat, at least. I think they can fit.
Medic unit: You think they can fit, feh. I can make ANYTHING fit.
Herr Medic adjusted his glasses, and we set to work. Connecting the neural ganglions and wires and generally making sure everything was compatible proved challenging, not to mention messy. We had to keep adjusting the medi-gun's settings as we worked, turning it down when we needed an incision to stay open but turning it up in short bursts when we, er, made mistakes. In less time than I thought it would take, we stepped away from the gurney to examine our handiwork. The glow of the medigun lit up Herr Engineer's new fleshy face. It seemed fragile compared to the one he was leaving behind, and yet it was the one he preferred.
Medic unit: It's a pity really.
0031: Was?
Medic unit: Oh, that we must stop here. I had some ideas for improvements, but Engineer was most insistent. He wanted his body to be as close to its original state as possible. But he could be so much more than what he was, if only he would give me some, ah, creative license...
0031: It is alright, Herr Medic. Perhaps we can get you another brain to replace the one you lost at the tank.
He looked at me without comprehension for a moment. Then he laughed.
Medic unit: Oh! The brain! I had almost forgotten-- mm.
He glanced down at Herr Engineer in an almost wary fashion. It confused me.
Medic unit: Well... it is gone for gut now of course und there will be no recovering it. And even if I had managed to get it back somehow, something tells me Herr Engineer might be adverse to me using it. No... he does not need to-- I mean. You do not need to worry about this.
0031: Are you all right?
He chuckled and patted my head. His mood seemed improved.
Medic unit: Ja, I am doing very well Machinenmensch. I will have other opportunities to experiment soon, I am sure, but for now why don't we wake up our mutual friend?
I let the matter drop and wheeled a little closer to the gurney. At the very least, Herr Engineer seemed to have taken control of the autonomic nervous system; the body was breathing. My hand trembled slightly as I turned off the medigun.
The glow disappeared. He was still breathing, even after being out from its influence for several seconds.
Medic unit: Aha, very gut! He is self-sustaining! Now, the moment of truth.
I nodded before reaching to Herr Engineer's shoulder to shake him gently.
0031: Herr? Wake up bitte. We are done now.
Before I had finished speaking, his hand shot up to grip my wrist. His eyes opened very wide. At the same time he drew in a long, ragged gasp of air. I did not pull away.
0031: Herr?
Herr Engineer did not look at me or anything else in particular. His grip became feeble. It concerned me, far more than the pallor of the body's skin or the face's gaunt cast. And then his eyes rolled up into his skull and his grip slackened entirely.
0031: Herr Engineer! Wake up, bitte, I-- agh, das ist blöd!
I spun away from him, panic fogging my mind. I needed to start the medigun again. If I did that, he would be all right and it would not matter if the surgery did not work. We could take him out and put him back into the metal body, and everything would be all right. We could start over. We could--
Herr Medic stepped forward and grabbed my shoulder. He was gazing down at Herr Engineer, frowning slightly but not looking all that concerned.
Then he slapped Herr Engineer across the face as hard as he could.
Medic unit: AUFWACHEN, VERDAMMT!
Herr Engineer sputtered and blinked.
E-001: D-damn it doc!
Medic unit: There, you see? He is fine. Gut work Stephen.
He patted my shoulder, but I hardly noticed. Herr Engineer was rubbing at the thick scar tissue encircling his scalp. His hands began to shake, and they traveled down over his ears, across his face, to the welt around his neck that showed where we had healed his head onto his body.
E-001: Lord almighty... I-I'm... I'm back.
0031: How are you feeling? Are you going to be all right do you think?
E-001: Like hell. Main thing is I'm f-feeling at all.
Herr Medic rolled his eyes. He turned around and began stroking one of his doves, the picture of disinterest.
Medic unit: Ja, of course you just had to go back to feeling again. Did it ever occur to you how much more useful you would be without the ability to feel pain?
E-001: I dunno that I'm g-gonna be all that useful right now anyways. I feel all... atrophied.
0031: Ah, that would be because you are, a little bit. But we can do some physical therapy, get you back into shape.
Medic unit: That can be your job Stephen. It sounds boring.
I wished that I had human eyes so I could roll them at that moment. I didn't though so I just ignored him.
E-001: Damn though... it feels kinda d-different than I remember. All the scars, and my head... my head feels funny.
He frowned suddenly. My hands wrung themselves of their own accord.
E-001: No, there is definitely something not right here. I... oof.
He tried to sit up, wavered, and lowered himself again. I pulled the sheet we'd laid over him back up to his shoulders. He was looking a little scared.
E-001: My head. I don't. There's stuff here. I can feel it, I didn't have this before Gray--
0031: Shh, I know Herr Engineer. There were things we could not remove without harming you, but we managed to put them safely into your head.
E-001: But what does that mean? If she finds out-- if I lose it--
Medic unit: For the record I was going to remove them, but Stephen just had to be cautious.
0031: Herr, please calm down.
Herr Engineer's eyes narrowed at me. It is so strange that he now has facial expressions.
E-001: Calm down?
0031: Ja, calm down. Because we have already talked about this. You already knew it was not going to be the same as when you were human the last time.
He looked like he wanted to get angry, but I do not think he had the energy for it. He just sighed and looked up at the ceiling.
E-001: We can't go back, huh?
0031: No, I am afraid not. We can only go forward.
I patted his shoulder.
0031: Get some rest, und I will get you something to eat und drink before too long. I think we should wait until tomorrow before even considering therapy.
E-001: Steve?
0031: Ja?
He just watched me for a moment. His expression was difficult for me to figure out.
E-001: Thanks. For everything, I guess. I wouldn't be here today without you.
0031: Yes, well. I could say the same for you, Herr Engineer. Und I do.
He smiled a little bit at me before closing his eyes. He was asleep in an instant.
Herr Medic and I have just finished cleaning up. Soon he will retrieve the parking brake for me before retreating to his office to sleep. Drei is in her box safe and sound, and everyone else is in their respective bunkers. Tomorrow I am sure that everyone will come crowding in here to say hello to Herr Engineer just as they did when he returned from Gray the first time. I will be hard put to keep him from becoming overwhelmed with visitors and questions and probably another soup can of dandelions from Soldier, but I do not mind it.
I am just glad to be part of a team again.
/entry_33