Chapter Text
I just really hate your face
In general, I don’t like people. When you’re a literal time bomb of social anxiety topped with a severe inability to handle how much of the population were… well, frankly, a straight up pain, you tend to prefer doing your own thing. However, there’s an important distinction between my typical general dislike, and the select few individuals in the world I straight up despise .
So of course the universe just had to prove, for the millionth time, just what a twisted, sick sense of humor it has by throwing the newest person on my list of said people, Roman Prince Pain-in-the-Neck, into literally every aspect of my life.
I move to a larger city after finishing college? Roman ends up being the other person to answer the ad for the apartment. I finally manage to get a decent gig as a Stage Tech? Princey gets cast in the lead. I find a part-time cafe job to supplement the bills? Roman gets hired AT THE SAME DAMN CAFE!
Though I know that won't surprise you
Needless to say, the cruelty of the universe has led me to need many… many rant sessions with two of my limited number of friends, Logan and his boyfriend Patton. Tonight was no exception.
“It’s like he goes out of his way to aggravate me!” I growl, punching the pillow in an attempt to get some of my irritable energy out.
“Don’t you think that may be making him out to be a bit more petty than he actually is Vee?” Patton argued gently, causing me to roll my eyes.
“Patton’s right,” Logan agreed, barely looking up from the book he’d been reading (rude, not even giving his full attention to my venting). “Have you considered that many of your frustrations may boil down to a mere difference in social interaction preferences? You are very much an introvert who needs time to regroup and rebuild your energy stores. Roman… is the definition of an extrovert, to put it as diplomatically as possible. If you can acknowledge and work through your differences in those areas, is there truly that much left that is simply intolerable?”
“You want me to give you a list?” I huff out, not even noticing the looks of instant regret my comment earned before launching into letting out every complaint about Roman I’d ever had.
But, to me, your skin is one giant wart
And your laugh's one big snort
And you stink, so in short
I despise you
“Our place always smells like his obnoxiously expensive cologne! Like what are you trying to prove with that? And don’t even get me started on how any time we’re trying to watch something as a group, he always has that snort any time he laughs! And he gets all huffy and pouty and offended if anyone laughs or dares say anything about it! Probably fakes it for attention-”
“Ok Virgil, now that’s too far,” Patton frowned, making me stop in surprise at the forcefulness of his comment. “Roman’s really self conscious about his laugh. He’s been told off or made fun of for laughing too loudly for years . So he tries to reign his volume in, but then that leads to it coming out as a snort instead. He hates it, and he feels like he can't win either way.”
You disgrace the human race
'Cause you're more of a mosquito
I would rather have the dentist and drill
Then this swine in the swill
And if you were a bill, I would veto
Great, I thought, now feeling thoroughly told off and oh so great about myself at the moment. The universe can’t even let me hate the guy without it meaning I’m a literal piece of trash.
“You can afford to be patient, you don’t have to be around him literally everywhere you go all hours of the day,” I mutter, shrinking in on myself until Patton puts a comforting hand on my shoulder.
“I don’t believe Patton gave any indication he was invalidating your frustrations,” Logan cut in, having put his book down when Patton had had his outburst. “ But you have to admit, taking the proper steps to improve upon your current hostility towards one another would alleviate a great deal of unpleasantness in your day to day routine.”
“I still say it would be less of a headache to hire someone to relocate him, vanished into thin air without a trace…” I huffed, sighing reluctantly at Patton’s eyes narrowing in disapproval. “I’m kidding… mostly. We all know there’s no way I’d ever have that kind of cash.”
With a fond shake of his head, Patton squeezed my shoulder in reassurance one more time before saying, “We also know you’re way too good a person for that. Just give it time, ok? Knowing you both as well as I do, I really think you guys are more alike than you’d think.”
Laughing with a disbelieving grin, I smirked as I replied, “Ok, that may be funnier than any pun you’ve ever come up with Pat.”
And if the world was perfect, you would be gone without a trace
But since the world could never be that great
I'll just hate your stupid face