Chapter Text
Steve watches a bead of condensation slide down his empty bottle. Danny’s eyes are closed and his head is bowed. A flutter of doubt catches in Steve’s throat. He’s scared he’s gone too far. They never talk like this. One (or three) kisses, and he’s lost his mind, but not his nerve.
Because he needs to push it more. There’s something he needs to get off his chest.
“What if I told you I’d been pissed at you?” Steve says. It’s not a question.
The worry on that beloved face gives Steve pause, but he waits.
Danny looks up and asks, “For saving you?”
“Yes,” Steve puts a stamp on it and repeats, “For saving me.”
“I wasn’t letting you drown,” Danny stops. Steve can see him thinking this through. After a few breaths, he adds, “My liver.”
“Your liver.”
“It was either that or – “
He doesn’t let Danny finish the sentence. “I’d be dead.”
“No – uh uh – “ Danny clears his throat, “Not having this conversation. And I hope you realize this is not a turn on.”
Steve shrugs. He can’t believe he’s opening up. It feels good. He doesn’t want to stop. “I had to retire from the Navy, Danny. I had to face this huge thing that was done to me. I was angry.”
Danny replies, “You were angry? That’s rich.”
He’s all fire for a few seconds. Steve expects him to leap off the couch and pummel him. Then, Danny deflates and says, “Steve, I’m so sorry. I was selfish. I made that decision for you. No way did I think you’d quit. I thought you’d want to live.”
“I do. I did. I’m thankful every day.”
“But you had no control,” Danny dabs his eyes. “You’re a freak. An animal. An idiot.”
Steve smiles and says, “Your idiot.”
“Sad to say, yes.”
Danny leans forward and picks at the label on one of his beers. The paper peels off, and he rolls it into a ball between his fingers and thumb. Then he flicks it at Steve.
“Hey!”
They laugh.
“Let me get more beer,” Steve offers.
“No, stay put. I’m not done.”
“Okay, Danno.”
The nickname receives a twitch and a slight grimace, but it doesn’t stop Danny.
“I couldn’t be scared that day. There wasn’t time. And I was pissed. Not to mention worried – terrified – that I’d lose you. There was so much blood. And the idiot couldn’t check your pulse. Who can’t find a pulse?” Danny says. His voice shakes, and his volume increases. He’s such a light weight these days, which is adorable. Two beers, and he’s rambling. “I mean, seriously, how hard is it to check for a pulse? You were so pale. It happened fast. And you said you were gonna die.”
Hit with another hot flash, Steve glances toward the kitchen. He needs some water, yet he knows Danny should get this out. He takes a deep breath and mumbles a reassurance, “Danny, it’s okay. You don’t have to-”
Danny looks him in the eyes to be sure he can continue. Steve nods.
“I knew I could do it, Steve. Don’t ask me how. Because air traffic control didn’t believe me. The team thought we were goners. I saw the looks on their faces when they pulled you from the plane. Total disbelief. But I knew I could land the plane. I was in this zone. Even with a gun pointed at me.”
“He pointed a gun at you?” Steve asks. His memories of the days around the op are hazy to nonexistent, and he’d avoided the paperwork.
“Yea, he did. But he didn’t want to die, so he listened to me and sat the fuck down,” Danny answers. He puffs up a bit.
Steve laughs but it’s uneasy, and something spools in his chest. He takes a deep breath, hoping to keep his composure. He doesn’t dare open his mouth.
“I knew I could do it,” Danny repeats.
“You coulda killed yourself. You shoulda ditched,” Steve blurts. This sentiment is a default switch, and the wrong thing to say. He regrets it immediately.
“I shoulda ditched, huh? You really wanna cut this evening short, don’t you?”
Don’t leave. Don’t leave. Steve chants in his head. He apologizes, hoping it will help.
“Danny, I’m sorry about the movie. I didn’t realize –“
“I looked at that instrument panel. Everything was flashing and blaring at me. Shit, I still can’t – “ Danny holds his head in his hands, massaging his temples. Steve wants to comfort him. He doesn’t. Danny needs to finish the purge. “I – my vision blurred. I looked at you. Your blood. You lost so much. Jeez.”
“All those times you’ve flown to Jersey and Grace’s college trips. How do you do it?”
“Flying I can handle. It’s crashing that gets me. Or someone who isn’t a pilot taking the controls. I don’t know. I try not to dwell. That’s the problem, I guess. I think I’m fine, but I’m obviously not,” Danny says.
Steve feels like he’s been stabbed. How could he be so selfish? So oblivious to Danny after all this time.
“I’m sorry, Danny.”
“Stop. It’s not your fault.”
“The movie,” Steve says. Other thoughts bubble up. He hasn’t dealt with what happened either. Five years later. He can’t look at his chest without thinking of Danny. The scar. The gift. His own version of borrowed time. His eyes water now. He lets tears roll down his cheeks, not hiding his feelings.
Danny babbles, “You really wanted to see it, babe. And if you want something…well…”
“Stop,” Steve says, “We never talked about this. I mean, not really.”
Danny shrugs and answers, “You made it clear you didn’t want to. It was something you had to make up for. Something you owed me.”
Steve feels a sudden mix of anger and shame and confusion.
“Excuse me for being overwhelmed,” Steve replies.
Danny winces and sits up straighter, leaning away from Steve.
“Honestly. It was too big for everyone, Danny. What you did was –“ Steve says.
“Stupid.”
Steve frowns. Danny’s reply is like a fist to his gut. Stupid is not a word he’d ever apply to his best friend.
“What? No,” Steve shakes his head and exhales with aggravation. “Is that what you think I'm gonna say?”
Danny replies, “I don’t know. You made such a big deal about us being even after you saved me in quarantine. I heard you.”
That moment is seared into Steve’s memory. Leaning over his dying partner. Danny’s life literally in his hands.
A calm feeling filters through him. Steve closes his eyes and sits with what Danny just admitted. Steve thinks about the liver transplant every day. No exaggeration. Every time he takes his meds. But he shoves his emotions away. He’s afraid he won’t be able to function if he lets them out. He’s beginning to think he’s made a mistake. So, he takes the first step and opens the door to his heart another crack.
“Maybe what you did was too big for me, too, Danny.”
A mixture of concern, hurt and fondness ripples in Danny’s eyes. Steve knows most people miss this complicated combination, and they assume Danny is a grouchy, hothead. Steve knows the real man. He waits for Danny to reply.
Danny clears his throat and says, “You woulda done the same for me, babe.”
“Absolutely.”
“Then why haven’t we talked about this?“ Danny looks hurt for a second before his face softens, and he adds, “I love you, you know. You can tell me anything.”
Steve decides to accept the offer. There’s something he needs to get off his chest.
“That stunt with the cards,” Steve begins, “my fault.”
“Wait, hold up,” Danny looks away before asking, “You took my cards?”
Steve’s not sure if he’s about to be punched, or if Danny will get up and leave. He opened this can of worms, and he needs to keep going.
He replies, “No, Jerry did.”
“Jerry?” Danny giggles.
Steve feels uncomfortable and guilty, but he plows right through.
“I told him to do it. He thought it was a prank.”
“What? Why?” Danny replies, mouth open. It takes him a minute before he says, “I just – wow – I don’t know what to say here. You took my cards?”
“Not my finest hour, Danny. I’m sorry.”
Danny covers his mouth with his hand. Then he bites his fist. Steve expects a scolding. He waits.
“What happened to them?” Danny asks.
“I still have them.”
“Seriously? You still have them, and you haven’t given them to me?” Danny replies with eyes wide. He sighs and says, “Well I don’t need them.”
“Yes you did. You do. God Danny. What you did was incredibly brave. I didn't do a damn thing except get shot.”
“Steven.”
Steve looks at Danny. His next thought gone.
Danny continues, “I’m gonna ignore the childish prank. For now. I do wanna see my cards. But later. I forgive you. I knew about a few of them. My folks and my sisters. When they didn’t show up, well, I had a feeling.”
Steve can’t help it. His eyes water. He glances to the floorboard where the cards are hidden. His parents had a few hiding spots in this house. He created a few of his own. And Danny’s cards have been tucked into Steve’s hiding place, safe and sound. He’s been holding this back for years because he expected to be disowned. Instead, Danny is calm and forgiving.
“Danny, why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because I knew it was tough for you. If that’s what you needed to process what happened…”
“Then you were gonna let me have it.”
“Yes.” Danny shrugged.
Another memory pops into Steve’s head. One that still burns him a little.
“Is that why you played dirty in our wheelchair race?”
Danny laughs, “I can’t believe you still remember that.”
“Ah huh! You did that on purpose.”
“I wanted to win.”
“There was some extra malice.”
“Malice?”
Steve crosses his arms over this chest and leans back in the recliner, props his feet up on the ottoman. “Yes, malice.”
“Alright,” Danny replies. He rolls his eyes and continues, “You hogged the remote. You controlled everything in that room. Maybe all that time with you was just a little too much.”
“Too much?” Steve says. There’s an instant hole in his chest. What are they doing now if –
Danny raises his hand like a stop sign and says, “Let me finish.”
“But –“
“Nope. Stop right there. Zip it.”
“You zip it.” Steve says. He doesn’t want to shut up.
Danny doesn’t back down. “May I finish?”
Steve nods and waves at Danny.
“It was too much because – “ Danny pauses and closes his eyes. He chews on his bottom lip and shakes his head. “I can’t believe I’m admitting this but if we’re gonna – you know – go forward with whatever this is, I need to tell you.”
“It’s ok, Danny.”
Danny frowns and squints at him. Not a good thing. Steve makes the motion like he’s zipping his mouth shut.
After a beat, Danny goes on, “I’ve loved you for a long time. Sharing that room with you and not being able to…be there for you. Like I wanted. It was tough.”
“And I was a dick.”
“Total dick.”
Steve flashes a grin when Danny does, but it doesn’t last long.
“I said some things, Danny.”
“Water under the bridge, Steve. All that matters is that you’re here now. We’re here. Together.”
“Together. We’re together. Yea,” Steve says. This statement from Danny hits him like a wave. He doesn’t expect it to feel like he’s just been knocked off his feet.
“Steven? You okay?”
“Great, Danny.
“I’m cutting you off,” Danny laughs and stands. He grabs their empty bottles. The clinking wakes Steve up a little. Maybe he is a little drunk. On life. “Or maybe what we need is more alcohol.”
“Danny, no,” Steve says. He follows him to the kitchen. “No more beer. You’ll wake up with a headache.”
“You’re right,” Danny replies.
He’s turned around so fast Steve runs into him. Bottles hit the floor.
“Sorry, I –“
Steve can’t finish his thought. Danny pushes him against the wall, corner bead digging into his back. He’s on his tiptoes, which Steve will never tell him is adorable, and Danny’s kissing him. First his neck. Then, his right ear. He’s amazed he’s able to think at all. He can barely breathe. His hands press into the wall until he remembers he can touch this fireball in front of him. Which is silly because Danny is doing more than simply touching him. He’s devouring him.
“Hey, Danny,” Steve says through gulps of air, “Stop. Slow down.”
“I’m sorry. I just – I got carried away.”
Danny rubs his hands on his pants. He’s flushed and looking at the floor. Steve takes his hand.
“Look at me.”
It takes a quick tug for Danny to look up, and with Danny’s attention, Steve pulls him into the kitchen. He taps the counter. Danny sits in his usual spot. Like any other evening. Except this isn’t usual, and this position presents a most interesting angle. Steve moves in and presses his forehead against Danny’s for a few seconds.
“I’ve got you, babe,” Steve grins when Danny wrinkles his nose at him. “Yea, I know, that’s your line.”
Danny replies, “What’s mine is yours.”
Steve closes his eyes for a second. He makes a simple plan. Backing away, he leans against the stove.
“This is what we’re gonna do,” Steve starts. A slight raise of eyebrows above those familiar blue eyes, give Steve the courage to push ahead. “We’re gonna order some pizza.”
“Indian,” Danny says.
“Indian, whatever you want.”
Steve takes a deep breath. Danny grins. He’s doing that thing where he chews on his bottom lip, and then he tilts his head, waiting for Steve to continue. The absence of snarky quips makes Steve melt a bit. Undivided attention from Danny feels like gliding through the ocean on a warm, clear day.
“We’re gonna watch a movie.”
Danny says, “Game’s on.”
“That works, too,” Steve does some calculating in his head. Game plus dinner means bed time could be late. Bed time.
“More beer?”
He doesn’t hear Danny’s words at first. He’s caught on the idea of bed time. The phrase feels innocent, but he finds his intentions are not. This is new and terrifying and - he realizes he needs to respond to Danny.
“Yes, sure, beer and some popcorn.”
“This sounds like a regular evening, Steven.”
“Exactly.”
“Okay,” Danny says and hops off the counter.
“Except I can do this.” Steve swoops in for a kiss. He nudges Danny’s nose before pulling away. “All night.”
Danny swallows and slips his finger through one of the loops in Steve’s pants. He chuckles and says, “I’d like that.”
“No pressure. Just us.”
They lean against one another, an awkward sideways embrace. Then, Steve slips his hand into Danny’s pocket for his phone. Definitely something he’s never done. Though he can’t count the number of times Danny has reached into his pockets for zipties or ammo or granola bars.
“Food,” Steve says. He’s flustered and Danny as the most mischievous twinkle in his eyes. Steve repeats his thought, “We need food.”
“And beverages. It’s important to stay hydrated,” Danny deadpans.
There’s a moment of silence before Danny giggles and uses Steve for support. The distant memory bubbles up, and Steve dissolves into a fit of laughter, too. He drops the phone on the stove, and they hold on to one another for what feels like forever.
Danny pulls away first, and Steve doesn’t breathe. He still feels like this thing between them could shatter. They don’t call him Smooth Dog for nothing. And Danny reads him like a book. He turns on that award winning smile. Steve relaxes.
“I like regular very much,” Danny says, “What we have is –“
“Yea,” Steve takes Danny’s hand. “Let’s go outside while we wait for the food. I’ll tell the delivery guy to bring it around back.”
“Sounds good, babe.”
They let go just long enough to get through the back door. Steve watches Danny. He’s always loved this view. That ass. Those snug pants. Danny smacks Steve out of his daydream with a punch to his arm.
“Come on, Smooth Dog,” Danny leads Steve down the yard, “I’ll show you more later. Much more. Now, we sit and watch the ocean. Like always.”
“Til we’re old and grey.”
“One of us is already heading there.”
Steve runs his hand through his hair. He knows Danny’s right, but he’s not giving in that easily.
“Uh huh. It’s not just me, buddy,” Steve replies and laughs. He settles into his chair. He wants to ruffle Danny’s hair and kiss that sandy stubble.
“Zip it.”
“Can’t do that, Daniel.”
Danny frowns.
Steve holds up his phone. “Gotta order food.”
“Funny guy.”
Your guy. Steve thinks. He straightens and scrolls until he finds their favorite Indian place. He has to raise his voice because the tide is rolling in with a vengeance. Once the order is made and pleasantries exchanged, he returns his attention to his partner. It’s weird, but he’s nervous. He’s not sure if his plan will hold. Do they eat outside or inside? Should he light some candles? Does he have any condoms?
“Sshh…” Danny says.
“I didn’t –“
“You think too much,” Danny replies and reaches across the distance. How did the chairs get so close together? “Let’s watch the sunset…like the two old men we are.”
They hold hands in the waning light until the delivery guy breaks the spell.