Chapter Text
When everyone's back, Erwin starts driving almost instantly. He looks pretty anxious, and I think he just wants this all over with. Sasha and Connie seem happy enough - they have their fill of food now, and it looks like they don't give a damn whether they get ketchup all over the seats of the van or not. Armin's still worried as hell, and so is Mikasa. Levi and Hanji aren't arguing any more, which is at least a relief. Instead, Levi appears to be texting someone and Hanji's marking some paperwork. At least it'll keep her occupied. Out of my boredom, I seem to be noticing a lot more about the people surrounding me. Historia's been here the whole time and barely spoken a word. Now I look at her closer, I can see she's wearing one of Ymir's shirts, with the back neatly modified so her wings can spread freely outside of it. She really does care about Ymir, and I honestly feel bad that all this is happening. Ymir and I never really spoke much, but I can see how much she means to Historia.
It looks like Connie and Sasha are pretty bored, too. I've been staring around silently for about ten minutes, and they've finished all their food. Instead of bantering on like they usually do, they're as silent as I am. Connie's pretty short, so I almost don't notice he's standing up. He's looking at something, probably squinting.
"Hey! Levi's got a girlfriend!" He explains, giggling to Sasha. Levi's eyes dart to look at him, and Connie sits down as if he's been pushed over.
"You... Springer, say that again and expect your damn ribs to be inverted." It's that sinister, dark tone that sets us all on edge. It takes me a moment to realise what just went on, but it clicks soon enough. Connie must've been trying to read his texts. That idiot obviously can't control his impulses.
"Sorry. He was just curious, is all." Sasha steps in, trying to smile apologetically. I can clearly see how nervous she is, though. Everyone's intimidated by Levi, so I can't really blame her.
"From the bottom of my heart, I don't give a damn whether he was curious or not. Tell your little bald friend to mind his own business." He growls at Sasha, and shifts in his seat so his phone can no longer be seen by anyone but Hanji - who's too interested in her work to care about Levi's little love affair.
Once Tweedledee and Tweedledum have both gotten over their nervous fit of giggles, everyone seems to go silent. It's not exactly an uncomfortable silence, just a bored one. Yeah, we get it. Shiganshina is a long fucking way away. I bet we'd be there a lot quicker if the road there was direct instead of three extra hours of added twists and turns through the countryside. I'm about to pull out my phone, when the silence is broken.
"Hey- What's this?" Marco bends down and picks something up from the floor. My notebook. It must've slipped off the seat while I slept earlier. Without thinking, I snatch it away from him and sit on it.
"It's mine. It's personal. Don't look at it, God." My voice grows louder and deeper than expected, and it makes Marco jump. My heart rate's rising slightly and I feel sick. I have no idea what he would've thought if he found all those drawings I did of him. That's my rule. Nobody sees my drawings. No matter what the drawing is, nobody gets to look at them. I'm studying literature. They can go and read one of my shitty poem essays for all I care, that's why I'm getting a degree in writing. But visible art... That's my escape. A diary, if you need to give it some pansy-ass name like that.
"Okay, okay! All right! I won't look at it. I... I didn't know it was yours, I just thought it was lying around. I... I'm sorry, Jean." He holds his hands up in defence. No, not in a surrendering pose, either. He's acting as if I was going to hit him. I just stare at him. After a moment, he realises I'm docile and his arms drop to his side. I'm hurt. Genuinely, that one gesture's damaged me. How long? Just how long as this been going on? All this time, and I've been fucking blind once again. Ever since that night, I bet he's been scared out of his mind of me.Who wouldn't be? Even if I'm calm now, why would anyone one hundred percent trust the man who brutally ripped out his eye? Even when I had an anxiety attack in that coffee shop, he must've been petrified I'd do something out of hand. I continue to stare at him, unblinking.
"...You okay? You look... You've gone all pale... Jean?" I've zoned out again, and Marco's talking to me. I only manage to collect half the words in his sentences. He looks concerned, and he's leaned in slightly closer. I move myself away from him, onto the empty seat beside me. I still can't look away, and you can be damn sure there's sorrow in my eyes right now. After a few more seconds, I can't stand looking at him with the way I feel, so I have to look away.
The whole van. The whole fucking van is staring at me. The only exception is Erwin, who's trying his best to concentrate on the road. My heart's pumping faster. It feels like it's about to burst through my fucking ribs. My breathing's quickening at a breakneck speed, and I can feel the sweat on my forehead.
"Jean... You look terrified." Mikasa points out. Armin nods in agreement, and by the look on everyone's faces, I guess it must be true. Yes. I am terrified. I'm fucking scared. I'm so, so scared right now. I'm horrified, even. Marco's given me a grim reminder. I'm the monster here. Even if Annie and her fucking group kidnapped Eren and Ymir, I'm the monster who destroyed the lives of two people in one night. I'm a bastard.
I've gone for at least a minute without blinking, and my eyes are starting to sting. The lids close, and that's when I notice the tears streaming out from them. I push myself further away from Marco, into the corner of the seat. My back's pressed up against the cold, hard window, but I barely notice. I bring a foot onto the seat, trying to push myself further away from everyone. I'm trapped in the corner and there's nowhere else I can go. They're all still staring at me. If I could, I'd probably be running off into a fucking field right now, and camping out in a tree. But I can't, because I'm in a moving minivan on a motorway.
I'm zoning out again. I can't see the group of people peeking over their seats to look at me any more. I see a door. It's my dorm room's door. I feel shorter. Either that, or I'm on the ground. I hear a noise from the other side of the door. It's muffled, and I can't tell what it is, but it's there. The door opens and without any warning, I lunge forward. I'm without a doubt on all fours. There's nobody on the other side of the door, so I run straight down the corridor. I pelt down the stairs to the ground floor. There's someone there. I think it's a guy. I can't see what he's doing, because before I know it, I'm on top of him. Growling, screaming in his face. He's staring straight up at me. I reach out to attack him, and I shred through his skin with sharpened claws. The claws cross out his freckles and within seconds, there's blood everywhere. Seeping into his hair, creating puddles on the floor, staining his clothes and running into his mouth. He splutters, trying to say something. I drop down, pressing right against him, sinking fangs into his shoulder. His eyes are wide open, and the whites of them stand out against his tanned skin. My target. My arm extends and I rip across his face once more, this time as brutally as imaginable.
The vision ends as I hear his scream. It's awful. It's loud and prolonged, and his voice breaks as more blood seeps into his mouth and he chokes. The last thing I see is his limp body get pulled out of my grasp.
I start to regain consciousness. Someone's holding my shoulders. I can't control my breathing. I still have my eyes shut, and I don't want to open them. Not if that's who I think it is holding onto me. I ball my unbroken hand into a fist. Claws. I have claws. No. Not now. Not fucking now.
"Jean. Jean! Speak to me! You... You passed out." Yep, it's Marco, all right. My chest hurts. My heart feels like it's going to give out if it beats any faster. I try to speak but all I do is scream. It's louder than the average human scream due to my form, and it hurts my own ears. Marco lets go of me to cover his. I'm still sitting in the same position I was in before I blacked out, but I have a headache and I think I must've hit my head against the window. After screaming, I can't keep my eyes shut any more. I open them to a sight I really wish I didn't see. Everyone's standing up, looking at me as if to see what all the fuss is about. I feel like a freak-show. Right in front of me is Marco. He really does look terrified right now, more than I did before.
I was right. I was so stupid to think we could actually get over the past. I hurt Marco. I left him maimed. He has every right to be scared of me. Every fucking right to hate me for what I did to him. With no explanation, I just lunged at him and aimed to kill. He couldn't move. He couldn't see, or breathe, or do anything to help himself.
I'm a ruthless attacker. I don't deserve any kind of sympathy. What I did was traumatic. Why Marco still tries to talk to me, I just don't know. Not after how it all happened.
I'm looking around at everyone. My eyes are so wide, I feel they might pop out of my head altogether. Everyone either looks scared or concerned. I want them all to stop looking at me. Their glares are torture. I want to be left alone. I think I might vomit. More tears drop from my eyes, sinking into my fur. I can barely hear right now, but little snippets of conversation allow themselves into my head.
"Are you crying?"
"What happened? Why'd you black out like that?"
"Why did you transform so suddenly, are you okay?"
"Did Marco do something?"
Their voices are all muffled to me. They're being covered up by a noise I've never once forgotten. The scream. Marco's scream when I tore out his eye. I can hear it over and over again. It doesn't go away. It never goes away. It haunts me. The gory images keep crossing my mind, too. The deep cuts. The blood oozing out of them. That agape mouth as he screams, letting the scream get cut short as the blood seeps into his windpipe. It's horrifying. Nobody should have to witness anything like that. Nobody should have to suffer any of it. I wonder if Erwin and Reiner remember seeing all that blood. I wonder if that's why Reiner acts like I'm so intimidating. It must be something along those lines. Perhaps Erwin's afraid of me too. After all, I'm a bloody monster, and at this point I'm terror-stricken of what I might do next.