Chapter Text
Songhwa woke up after she felt her numb arms. She was about to move when she also felt a hand that was being draped around her waist.
She doesn't need to look to know who it was. There is only one presence that will always make her feel calm and safe, it's none other than her husband's. Knowing that Ikjun is here, she can't help but feel guilty once again.
The moment she uttered those words that night left her guilt eating her alive—she felt so horrible to herself. As much as she wants to take back those words the moment it left her mouth, she couldn't find the energy to do so. She was shocked beyond belief that those will come out of her. She couldn't believe how weak she was to be able to be led by her own demons.
For the past weeks that she was alone, she was able to reflect with her thoughts, with her feelings, and with her actions. She finally accepted the fact that she indeed felt inferiority complex with Uju in Ikjun's life. He will always be a first for her, but for him, it will always be Uju above her. It will always be Uju this and that first before her.
Anything related to Uju automatically makes her feel inferior, like she is not worth it, like she can't compare to him, especially in Ikjun's life. She projected her inferiority to Uju and tried to act nonchalantly when in fact, she does care a lot for the little boy.
That is why when Ikjun mentioned that he thought she hated Uju, it felt like she was struck by a lightning. She felt hurt for being misunderstood but at the same time, she can't even blame him for thinking that way because she herself know that it was what she's been trying to imprint in her mind. She honestly thought that hating the little boy would make everything easier for her. She also justified her actions by that.
She can't even imagine how hard everything has been for Ikjun, especially for Uju. Didn't she also do the same? She gravely misunderstood the little child. She honestly thought that Uju hates her and doesn't want her to be part of their lives that's why she tried to hate him too. But after what she learned a while ago, she realized how short-sighted she was.
How come she did not even think about what he may truly feel without thinking about Ikjun. Uju lost his mother at such a young age. Based with the stories she heard from Ikjun, she should have deduced through that how badly he wanted to have his mother back. How much he missed her and how much he is longing to be near her presence again.
She realized that marrying Ikjun is not just about being his wife. Yes, she can say that she already accepted her fate of being married to someone with a young son. She also accepted the fact being married Ikjun means it's not just him but also his son who will be part of her life. She is also aware with the fact that Uju is Ikjun's main priority. They have both settled with those issues even before getting married.
But she always sees something in Uju's eyes every time their stares will interlock that makes her feel uncomfortable. She realized these past few weeks that it was because at the back of her mind, she has already thought about how she would act as a mother for her husband's son. It always lingers at the back of her mind if she's fit with that description. If she will do a good job.
But maybe, she was not ready at all. She didn't give her decision of marrying Ikjun much thought. She just agreed because she thought by doing that, it will get easier as times goes by. She thought that marrying Ikjun means she'll get to spend more time with him and be happy together. She thought that things will eventually get better. She thought that they could become family with that marriage alone.
She's such a fool to think that way. She did not even try enough to make the 'family' she imagined work. Her insecurities ate her especially when she finally saw firsthand and even more in a deeper level how much Ikjun loves and care for his son. How much length he could go just for his son. Yes, she was so jealous. They were living in the same house they were together, but his attention was merely focused on his son. It's always Uju.
But everything changed after what happened in the afternoon. She let out a small smile and caressed the little boy's hair. She is watching his serene face sleeping soundly that instantly calm her nerves. She swears to her life that she will love this little boy with all the love she has. She will take care of him as if he was her own. Uju deserves that. He deserves to have a complete and loving family. A family that will help him find his purpose again and be genuinely happy. A family that he can feel accepted and just to be a little child again.
She kissed his forehead before she slowly and carefully faced Ikjun. She kissed his cheeks before she decided to get some water. She must have cried a lot a while ago. She is now sitting at the edge of the bed when she felt his arms wrapped around her waist and his face snuggled at the crook of her neck. She felt his warm tears which also triggered hers. They were both crying silently for a few minutes.
Songhwa decided to stand and gently grabbed Ikjuns hand as she guided him to the living room. She told him to sit and wait for a little while as grab two glasses of water from the kitchen. Ikjun was just silently watching her every move—as if he was so afraid to let her out of his sight. Songhwa came back in less than a minute and sat beside him at her sofa.
They were silent for a few minutes before she decided to talk.
"Ikjun-ah.." She softly called out his name, but Ikjun unintentionally flinched. She saw that and it broke her heart. She did this to him, didn't she?
"Mianhe.. Ikjun-ah.. Naega.. Naega jeongmal--jeongmal mian-mianhe.." She said as tears flooded her cheeks.
She faced him and held both of his hands which he's been playing with since she left him to get water from the kitchen. She inhaled deeply and wiped the tears on her face. She then held both of his tightly after she rubbed them on her shirt and looked straight at his face.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for hurting you and Uju. I'm sorry I broke my promise." She inhaled deeply once more before she continued while Ikjun is just silently and patiently letting her speak. He knows she needed this. "I'm sorry that I became someone I assured you I will never be." This line broke both of their hearts.
Ikjun—because even though he understands where Songhwa was coming from, it doesn't change the fact that her making him choose between her and his son hurt him and broke his heart. Songhwa—because she is aware how much damaged she has caused to Ikjun's heart. She knows she hurts him more than she could imagine.
"I'm sorry for being someone I promised you I'll never be ever since you asked me if I was sure in marrying you. I'm sorry I had spewed those nonsense words that night. I am deeply sorry for making you choose between me and Uju. It was--it was so low of me." She said with her shaky voice. She's close to crying again.
"Songhwa-ya, it's okay. I understand, hmm?" He then gave her a small smile. "I know how hard it was for you and how much trouble it caused you, but never once did you ever complain to me. I contemplated whether a time like that will ever come—which I hoped not—but I know it is bound to happen. We were both new to this, we were both compromising but we lacked in communication. With that, I admit my faults the same way you did with yours." He grabbed her hands and placed them on his lap.
"It's not just your fault, we are two in this relationship, in this marriage but we were so afraid to hurt each other to the point that we spent our time walking on eggshells around each other. We both forgot, and with that, I am sorry too. I am just glad that we're now okay and that we both learned and understood each other more." He looked straight at her eyes—his sincerity overwhelms her heart.
"I haven't even thanked you yet, thank you for finding Uju and taking care of him. I never saw him sleep like that with a huge smile on his face since his mother got sick. Really Songhwa-ya, thank you so much." Then a tear escaped his eyes.
"Yahh I didn't do anything. I was about to go out when I heard knocks from my door. Imagine my shock when I saw him in front of me then started to beg to hold my hand."
"When you told me he was already with you, I didn't imagine that you mean that in a way that he was the one who directly went with you. Songhwa-ya, that's so dangerous. "Ikjun was shocked to hear this. Right, she hadn't mentioned to him what entirely happened. She just told him she was with Uju already. She can feel his hands slightly trembling. He must be really terrified, well, she did too when she first saw Uju a while ago. It's very dangerous.
"Lee Ikjun, listen very carefully, okay?" He calmed down a little after she touched both of his cheeks and faced him directly. They are now looking at each other's eyes. She can still see a tinge of fear and worry from his eyes. She cleared her throat before she started telling him what happened in the afternoon. "It was Wang Imo who was with him when he arrived here. At first, I also thought he was alone but then I read her text message late. That's how I learned that she was with Uju. I honestly forgot about that because I was so worried that I forgot to ask Uju again after we talked about his mom. Anyway, she then explained that Uju was crying when he called her and asked her to bring him to me. He also begged her not to tell you. She left after she dropped him off and didn't stay anymore as she also needed to go home.
"What did you two talked about?" He asked curiously after he finally calmed down.
"Well, remember when I told you that every night Uju will come at our room just to hold my hand?" He was shocked then confused.
"Songhwa-ya.."
"Gwaenchana, Ikjun-ah.. Ihae haess-eo.. Amuteun, I asked him why he badly wants to always hold my hand what he told me broke my heart and made me realized a lot of things." She said teary eyed. Ikjun saw that she was indeed telling the truth. He can see her being still emotional by just remembering what has transpired between her and Uju. "He asked me if I was his mother."
To say that he is surprised after hearing that is not enough to express what he really feels. His heart goes for his son. Uju has already been through a lot even before his mother passed away. Even more so when she left because Uju changed drastically since then. Even him was not enough to fill the void in Uju's heart and his life.
Songhwa felt him froze. She knows he is blaming himself again.
"Yahh, it's out of your control already Ikjun-ah.. Uri Uju has been waiting for his mother to fulfill her wish. He was told that she will come back for him even as another woman so she could be with him. He just has to look for that woman who has the same soft and warm hands as his mother. That is why he always wants to hold my hand."
Songhwa is having a hard time to narrate what happened in that afternoon without crying. She still feels guilty, and everything is fresh for her. She told Ikjun everything that has happened and everything about what Uju told her.
"I'm really sorry. I uuhh--I never hated Uju, just please know that. I'm sorry for making everything hard for you Ikjun-ah. I love you and loving you means I love Uju too. I just didn't know how I will show him that love, but after today, I finally know how. I love your son, I really do. When you called to ask for help looking for him, I felt like I'm lost too. I was so worried for him but I know you needed me, so I stayed stronger for the both of us."
Ikjun closed the gap between them and hugged her as tight as he could. Songhwa lost it and cried louder than she intended. Ikjun was just caressing her hair and back to soothe her pain.
"Songhwa-ya.. Gomawo.." Is all he can say. They both don't need more words anymore.
Songhwa knows and understands whatever it is which made her cry even more. Ikjun is hurt and is having a hard time, but he is still comforting her instead. This made her realized how much she had missed just because of her insecurities.
"You don't have to thank me because I will never think twice to do that again—not that I want Uju to be lost again—but you know what I mean? I love him to bits Lee Ikjun. And I think I love him more now than I love you."
She was blinded by her jealousy and hatred to her situation that she forgot how much Ikjun loves her. That he never lacked in showing her how much he loves her and cares for her. That he showered her with love and affection as much as he does with Uju. She feels guilty for asking more when Ikjun already gave too much.
"Mianhe Ikjun-ah.. Jeongmal mianhe.. kurigo.. Saranghae.. mani mani saranghae.."
"Nado Songhwa-ya.. Nado saranghae hmm? Jeongmal mani saranghae.."
She's now very determined to fulfill her promise to Ikjun, to Uju, and to herself. She will be better. She will love them better. She will take care of her family better.
They both will.
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