Chapter Text
Terzo had been sitting on the couch for the past hour, waiting for Copia to come back to their shared quarters. Copia often worked late, due to the fact that he was Nihil’s right-hand man as well as the new frontman of Ghost. Terzo hadn’t minded stepping down from his position in the band to allow his boyfriend to take his place; in fact, he welcomed the change. Being the lead singer of the band had been fun, but it had also been stressful. Especially during his last tour, Terzo’s physical and mental health had taken a rather sharp decline. He was glad to be able to step away from band responsibilities.
As Terzo waited, he swayed slightly from side to side, humming to himself as he did. He was starting to get worried as he glanced at the clock, which read quarter til midnight. Copia was never out this late unless he was working on something big like a new song. But Copia always told Terzo when he was working on something like that.
Soon, Terzo’s humming was replaced by a rougher, more distressed sound in the back of his throat, almost akin to a hoarse whine. He cast a glance at the clock again. It was a little past midnight now, and there was still no sign of Copia. Unable to sit still anymore, Terzo stood up and began pacing back and forth, tapping his fist lightly against any furniture he passed as he paced. The constant movement of his legs did just enough to keep him from spiraling into a bottomless pit of worry.
Terzo became so absorbed in his pacing that he didn’t hear the front door opening. He was only made aware of the fact that he was no longer alone when he turned around to start another lap of pacing, only to find himself staring at Copia, who was leaning against the doorframe of the living room. He instantly stopped pacing, dropping his gaze to the floor as he mumbled a quiet apology. He resisted the urge to reach up and pull at his hair as he felt the familiar sting of tears in his eyes. He’d tried so hard to hide his weird habits from Copia. They hadn’t been dating for too long and Terzo hadn’t wanted to scare him off.
“Amore? Is everything alright?”
Terzo looked up again, only to see that Copia was now standing much closer and had a concerned look on his face. He shrugged in response to Copia’s question, unsure why his boyfriend looked so worried. Had Terzo done something wrong?
“Why are you apologizing?” Copia asked. He took another step closer to Terzo. Both of them weren’t quite making eye contact, but the worry in Copia’s gaze was apparent nonetheless.
Was this a trick question? Copia had clearly seen him pacing. Still unsure of what had Copia so worried, Terzo decided to answer honestly.
“I was apologizing for pacing,” he responded. “I…I’m sorry if I annoyed you with it.”
Copia frowned. “Tesoro…do you really think I would be annoyed by your stims?”
“My…my what?” Terzo asked, confused by the term. He’d never heard of it before.
Copia’s frown deepened. “Stims? You know, like your pacing? Or the way you rock back and forth when you’re reading something that really interests you? Or when you start humming ABBA songs when you’re understimulated?”
Terzo’s confusion around the unfamiliar word was drowned out by the horrified realization that Copia had witnessed multiple of his annoying habits. He shook his head, feeling more tears gather in his eyes as he backed away from Copia.
“Terzo? What’s wrong?” Copia asked.
“You weren’t…you weren’t supposed to see…” Terzo gasped, unable to even finish his sentence as he felt the painfully familiar tight feeling in his chest. His hands seemed to have a mind of their own as he threaded his fingers through his hair and tugged harshly, biting back a sob as he squeezed his eyes shut. Copia was going to leave him now, wasn’t he? He had seen too much of the side Terzo desperately tried to hide and now he was going to leave.
“Terzo? Terzo, amore, please tell me what’s wrong?”
Copia’s voice sounded close. Terzo could feel his boyfriend’sーcould he still call Copia that?ーwarm presence only mere inches away. He didn’t open his eyes, but he let go of his own hair and instead reached out blindly in a wordless plea for physical contact. Would Copia even still want to hold him? Had Terzo ruined everything? Was Copia already preparing to walk outー
A pair of arms encircled Terzo, pulling him close against a soft and warm body. Terzo sobbed, hiding his face in the fabric of Copia’s cassock as he wrapped his arms around the man tightly, afraid that he would never see Copia again if he let go.
All too soon, Copia was backing away. Terzo clung on, silently begging him not to go. To his surprise and immense relief, Copia kept his arms around him as he gently guided Terzo over to the couch, allowing both of them to sit down. Terzo immediately threw one leg over Copia’s, hugging him from the side as he rested his head on Copia’s shoulder. They sat there in silence as Terzo slowly began to calm down, although he didn’t relax his desperate grip on Copia.
“Are you okay now?” Copia asked, his voice startling Terzo despite how quietly he spoke.
Terzo shrugged, busying himself with tugging gently on the glittery chain of Copia’s grucifix. “Not really,” he murmured, his voice rough from crying. “Thank you…thank you for staying.”
“Why wouldn’t I?” Copia asked. Although Terzo couldn’t see his face from this angle, he could detect the note of genuine surprise in Copia’s voice.
Terzo shrugged again. Whatever response he was about to utter dried on his tongue as he noticed Copia’s fingers gently tapping out a rhythm onto the cushion of the couch. He sat up a little straighter.
“I do that when I’m nervous,” he murmured, half to himself. “That’s…that’s the rhythm for Dance Macabre, isn’t it?”
Now that he had sat up, Terzo could finally see Copia’s face. Copia was smiling slightly, and he nodded in response to Terzo’s question.
“Tapping out the rhythms for songs is one of my stims,” he explained. “I do it when I’m nervous.”
Terzo nodded slowly. He felt like he was starting to grasp the concept of a stim. Then Copia’s words registered fully and he frowned slightly. “You’re nervous?”
“I didn’t want to say the wrong thing,” Copia admitted somewhat sheepishly. His tone grew more serious as he went on, “Terzo, please tell me what’s wrong. What wasn’t I supposed to see?”
Terzo dropped his gaze down to his lap and sighed. “You weren’t supposed to see my annoying habits…or stims, I guess. I tried so hard to hide them…”
“But why?” Copia asked. His tone was bordering on desperate, as if he couldn’t understand why Terzo would try to hide anything from him.
“Because everyone hates me for my habits, or stims, or whatever I’m supposed to call them!” Terzo finally admitted. Fresh tears rolled down his face. “Sister Imperator always called me childish, my brothers told me to stop acting like a fool, and Nihil…” Terzo trailed off and clutched his hands to his chest protectively. The memory of that particular beating was still burned into his mind now, decades later. “I don’t want to talk about what Nihil did,” he whispered.
Copia was silent for a moment. “I’m sorry,” he murmured after a moment.
“Don’t apologize,” Terzo told him softly. “You didn’t do it.”
Copia sighed. “Terzo…I would never get annoyed at you or hate you or…or hurt you for stimming.”
Terzo wanted to believe him. He did, to an extent. But there was still an underlying fear, that nagging sensation in the back of his mind, all of his past experiences ensnaring him in a painful hold. He desperately wished he could feel safe to be himselfーfully himselfーin front of Copia, but his mental and physical scars kept pulling him back.
Copia seemed to sense Terzo’s hesitation. He pressed a kiss to Terzo’s forehead and murmured, “I know a single conversation isn’t going to undo everything you’ve been taught up until now. But I just want you to know that it’s okay. You don’t have to hide any part of yourself in front of me, okay?”
Terzo nodded and finally allowed himself to relax, closing his eyes and leaning heavily against Copia as his exhaustion caught up to him. He let out a content sigh as he felt Copia’s fingers running through his hair.
Copia was right. A single conversation couldn’t undo years of damage. But for the first time in a long time, Terzo really did feel like he was going to be okay.