Chapter Text
Max had scrounged together the details as her mother mumbled at her in a drunken stupor.
Apparently she was on probation from work for showing up drunk. Now she was going to be at the house all day instead of at her day job.
And now it was Max's and everyone else's problem.
She was exhausted at this point.
Her mother hadn't stopped drinking since she had gotten home and ruined her night.
And Eddie hadn't stopped coming over to see how she was doing.
Each time looking increasingly worried as she opened the door gave a quick explanation and shut it again.
She couldn't talk to him right now.
Couldn't look him in the face.
She was embarrassed, he just had to see her mom like that.
She had worked so hard to hide it from everyone else.
From Lucas, and Dustin, and Mike, And Steve, And Robin, and the Byers.
And it all came tumbling down right in front of what amounted to basically a stranger.
She slapped her hand against her desk before slumping down in the chair.
A stranger who she thought was kind of cool.
A stranger she thought she may be able to get along with.
She had thought . . .
She thought that maybe . . .
She just thought that they could be friends.
Friends that she didn't have to put on a front for.
But now it felt ruined.
Like he saw into an ugly part of her life and if she let him speak when she opened that door he'd just look at her with pity, and tell her that everything was going to be ok, even though it wouldn't be.
Because he felt obligated too.
And then she'd see him less and less, until she would be lucky to see him at all.
She knew how it went.
Knew what happened when people witnessed your shit, when people were forced to be a part of it.
Could still remember Nate.
Could remember his tears and his shame.
Could remember him ignoring her.
Could remember him pulling away.
And she knew she couldn't do it again.
Not now.
That being treated like she was nothing but a little sideshow attraction, to be gocked at and then quickly looked away from.
And so she wouldn't let it happen again.
Wouldn't let them pull away from her again.
She'd do it first.
So no, she couldn't face him.
Couldn't look him in the eyes and watch him leave, just like everyone else.
Even if he was basically a stranger.
She sighed and rubbed at her eyes, deciding to dig through Billy's box of cassettes as her mother was sleeping.
She needed something new.
Had jumped from Ted Nugent, to Steppenwolf, to Motley Crew, to Blackfoot and then back again.
And was kind of tired of it. It didn't give her the same buzz that it had before. Didn't quite quiet the white noise like it had before.
Like it was wearing off.
She passed album after album.
RATT, Quiet Riot, Blackfoot, Scorpions.
No, no, no, no.
And she kept looking.
Each new artist she came across looked exactly like the others she had already passed until she spotted something buried deep.
Under all the Lynyrd Skynyrd and Molly Hatchet.
She saw an album titled Rumors by Fleetwood Mac.
On the album was another man and woman, but . . . less.
Less skin. Less sex appeal, less bad boy energy that the others had.
And she picked it up.
"Max!"
Her mom was awake, she quickly shoved the album into her pocket next to her Walkman and hurried off.
"Hey mo wha-"
She felt the crash of a plate as it hit the wall next to her.
Eyes wide in surprise as her mother heaved.
"Mom, you need to calm down."
"Calm Down!"
She was crying, chugging down another bottle of alcohol as she hugged a picture that Max couldn't see to her chest.
"Mom, come on."
She walked closer and encircled her hand around the bottle as her mother brought it away from her face.
"Don't touch me."
Her mother reeled back as if to hit her and Max quickly moved out of range, anger getting the better of her as she did so.
"So what, you gonnin 'to smack me around now? Gonna hit me like Neil hit Billy!"
She didn't want to add what they both knew.
Didn't want to say it out loud, because saying it out loud made it real and scary and she didn't want it to be real.
It was an unspoken rule. Something she wasn't allowed to talk about or bring up.
The fact that Billy was abused.
The fact That Neil hurt her.
And the fact she just let that happen to him.
Let him get away with scaring her.
"No . ."
She trailed off sniffling as she began to cry harder and Max signed moving closer again.
"It's ok."
She soothed as she ran a hand down her mothers back.
"It's all going to be ok."
"It's not." her mother whined.
"It is."
Max felt like the parent here.
Like the one that needed to forgive, that needed the cool head.
Like she was the one who needed to calm her and be there for her.
And on some level she knew that was wrong.
But on another, she felt like who her mother was now, was her fault.
"It's not, Niels gone, Billy's gone. You're here."
She sobbed harder, and spoke the last words like venom. Like a bad taste on the tip of her tongue.
And sure her mom had blamed and yelled before. But never like this.
She'd never sounded like this.
Max had never heard her mom so hateful, had never seen her so wild and uncaring.
And it hurt.
It hurt so much.
"They may be gone but we have each other mom."
"It's your fault they're gone!"
She knew her mom was just emotional.
Knew she didn't really mean it.
Knew that even if she blamed herself, that her mother never would, not really.
That she just got like this sometimes, and in just a few moments she'd be apologizing and saying she didn't mean it.
Her mother yelled into the empty room as Max kneeled and hugged her.
"It's no one's fault mom, there was a fire. Billy died in an accident. Neil left because he wanted to."
She knew she was lying.
Her mom was right.
It was her fault.
It was their fault.
It was Hawkins, and Hawkins lab, and the mind flayer, And the Russians and it was her.
It was her fault Billy died.
But she wouldn't accept any blame when it came to Neil.
Neil was a piece of shit.
And even while feeling bad for a dick bag like Billy. She couldn't feel bad for a prick like Neil.
" . . .fault."
Her mother mumbled.
"What?"
She leaned in closer to hear.
"It's your fault."
This time the words felt real. Felt weighty and strong, and like she believed it.
But Max didn't want to admit that.
Didn't want to believe that her mother could feel that way about her.
She'd apologize soon.
"Your fault."
The words kept coming, falling from her mothers lips like water and truth, and it was killing her, slowly it was killing her.
"Your fault."
And with each repeat it became harder and harder for her to tell herself it was a lie.
She'll apologize soon, just hold on. Don't break.
"Your fault."
Max stumbled back with the force of her mom's voice. With the words that scared her and filled her with dread and were exactly what she thought every night before tuning out the world with music and trying to go to sleep.
Just wait.
Don't break.
Don't break.
Don't break.
"Your fault!"
And with the yell. Max knew, and she couldn't lie to herself anymore.
And she broke.
Her mother hated her.
She heard it in her voice.
Saw it in her eyes.
Smelt it on her breath.
And felt it in her bones.
And she started to tremble under the weight of the facts.
She wasn't going to apologize.
"You were there that night."
And it felt like a nightmare.
Max pinched her high but she was still there. Trapped in a living room listening to her mother scream her insecurities and fears like it meant nothing and everything all at once.
She wasn't going to take it back.
"Your fault!"
"Mom . . ."
She whispered, breath stale and cold.
"Your fault, it's your fault!"
"Mom . . ."
She had always been hard on herself.
But she never thought that her mom would blame her too.
Never thought that her own sick thoughts were things that others felt too.
And she kept breaking.
"You're the reason Neil left . . . "
"Mom . . ."
" . . . The reason Billy's dead."
And she realized that the whole time she was mad about Neil . . . not about Billy, not really.
Neil again, always Neil. Forever Neil.
Billy was just an afterthought to her.
She could read it in her pause.
She saw it in her forgetfulness.
She never cared about Billy.
Never cared past how he affected Neil after the fact.
Max wasn't stupid.
She wasn't her mom.
She knew before that night happened what kind of man Neil was.
And she felt the tide raise.
Neil was a bad person, she knew it when she was a kid and she knew it now.
And her mom never cared.
And Max, Max couldn't do anything about it.
And she had always tried to see reason.
Always tired to give her mom the benefit of the doubt.
But right now, she felt resentment.
She felt like Billy was being used as a pawn in her anger and she hated it.
She could feel the tears fall from her eyes, staining her cheeks with her own agony.
And she didn't quite know if it was from the sadness or the anger.
"You it's you, it's you!"
She continued to shout, continued to scream. And it felt like with every word the energy brewing within Max kept getting tighter and tighter.
"I wish you were gone instead of Neil! . . . I wish you were dead instead of Billy. At least then I'd still have a normal life, a normal family."
Max sucked on her teeth.
"Where were you when Billy died."
Watching.
Sitting to the side and screaming for him as he was impaled by a large tentacle.
Holding his head as he whispered tearful 'I'm sorry's' over and over again like he was trying to make up for years of torment and abuse.
"Where were you!"
Crying as he went lifeless in her arms.
Closing herself off as she was dragged away, forced to leave his body in the burning rubble around them to escape.
She was right there she wanted to say.
She was there and she was scared then, and she's scared now.
And finally it felt like all that energy no longer had anywhere to go, and she felt something snap within her.
And that familiar cool anger filled her.
"Where were you?"
Her voice was cold and distant, it burned her ears and hurt her throat.
" . . . what."
She could hear her mother just barely, just under the burning, trembling, spreading fury.
"I said where were you?"
And this time she didn't let her mom speak.
"Where was I! Where were you? You're the adult. But instead of watching me yourself you left me with Billy! You always left me with Billy! Billy who was mean and scary but still somehow better than Neil! Where were you when Billy died? On a date? Kissing up to Neil? Asleep in bed? You never cared where I was, ever. So why now? Is it so you can feel like less of a shitty person? Is it so you don't have to blame yourself anymore? Where were you?"
She watched her mother raise her hand again, the picture in it aimed to throw at her.
"So what you gonna hurt me like Neil did!"
This time she didn't hold back, she didn't use Billy as the crutch her mother needed. She didn't deserve that and neither did Billy.
She thought about Billy, about where his anger came from, about what that anger did to him. About the what if's.
What if he didn't have that anger, would he be a better person?
Would they have had an actual relationship instead of just some rushed goodbyes?
Would Billy have known better about the mind flayer?
Would Billy be standing here with them now?
And then the anger consumed.
It was a deep anger, an anger that drove her blood and she thought if this was the type of anger that Billy felt all the time, no wonder he was such an asshole.
"Then come on, hit me!"
She screamed so loud she knew the neighbors had to hear, and it felt refreshing to be the one doing it this time instead of her mom.
"Do it! Just fucking hit me! You know that you want to, do it!"
She felt like every bit of cold fury over the past few months rose from her.
"You want Neil so bad, then why don't you just go and become him!"
Her mother wanted to blame her?
What did her mom do?
Why had her mom allowed Billy to be abused in the first place?
Maybe if her mom had any actual balls then Billy wouldn't have been abused at all.
Maybe he wouldn't have ended up where he was, dead and crying and scared.
She wanted to blame everyone but couldn't even begin to look at her own shortcomings.
And for the first time since Billy's death. Max felt like maybe it wasn't her fault he ended up where he was.
Maybe it was theirs.
Maybe it was Neil's.
Maybe it was her mom.
And when her mother slouched down in her seat instead she could only think one thing.
Pathetic.
And she couldn't look at her anymore, couldn't be around her.
"Your pathetic, your just so fucking pathetic."
The anger still real and heating.
"Get out!"
She could see the tears.
Could see the hurt behind her mothers eyes but she didn't care.
"Get outGetoutGetoutGetoutGetoutGetoutGetout!"
Her words seemed to smash together as Max rushed to her room, grabbed her bag and made her way out the front door.
And she knew. Knew that a number of her neighbors were watching and listening.
And so she grabbed her board and booked it out of there as quickly as she could.
Not being able to stand the prying eyes of the trailer trash upon her.
She didn't think about the hours it would take.
Didn't think about the stamina or the heat or the consequences as she slammed her headphones on and jetted off into the early day.
Not even bothering to listen to the music.
Not allowing the tunes to calm her.
She needed the anger.
She just didn't want the sound of the world.
And that went on for what felt like forever.
As she passed the convenient store and kept going.
Farther and farther still.
Until her legs ached and her breath was shallow.
Until she had to stop and give her legs a break.
And only then, when she was walking down the side of the road did she feel her anger start to wane.
Replaced with some guilt and remorse that she didn't want to feel.
And only then did she let the music sweep her off her feet.
You say you want your freedom
Well, who am I to keep you down?
Smooth swathing guitar coming in like a dream. And drowning out the noise of her own regret.
She hadn't expected much.
Hadn't been able to feel the same cooling coils that the first few days had provided for awhile.
Had started to think that maybe she squandered it.
Started to think that maybe she had wasted the little reprieve she had concocted for herself.
But when the music started she knew that was false.
Knew that she had been missing something but hadn't been able to place quite what.
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat, drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost
But now suddenly she knew like she had always known but it had just been stuck.
She knew what she had been missing.
She had spent all that time listening to Billy's music.
That she had never really given herself the time to find her music.
I see the crystal vision
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me who wants to
Wrap around your dreams and
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
And the magic of Billy wore off fast .But her, she was there to stay.
She didn't like his music.
Hell she didn't even really semi enjoy it.
Until now.
Until this.
This she loved.
This dug deep and gripped her tight like nothing she'd even heard before.
And she craved.
She craved more.
More of the distraction, more of the peace.
And she realized that the other albums of Billy's wouldn't do it anymore.
Like she had been slowly building a tolerance to it, like medicine.
Now it just wouldn't do.
They say women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean you'll know
You'll know
You will know
Oh, you'll know
And as the guitars faded she found herself stopping in front of the arcade, like the music had guided her there.
And she stepped inside.
Letting the music in her ears fade away from her as she was encompassed by the lights and shooting sounds of the games.
And she got to work.
Refusing to let her emotions get the best of her.
She deserved to be angry.
She started in the bathrooms.
Searching the floors for loose change and then moved outwards towards the hallway and then onto the arcade floor.
She was able to corral 2.27 together off the dirty floors.
Enough to play a few games and grab some food from the tiny dinner next door.
So that's what she did.
Dragging herself over to her favorite game dig dug and begging to play.
She was able to make it through a few games before she heard her name across the arcade and spotted Lucas, Dustin, and Mike looking right at her.
She sighed to herself as she heard the dying noises of the game behind her.
As she saw Lucas smile at her.
And she knew that if she stayed she'd be forced to talk to them eventually.
And she just wasn't in the mood for that today.
Wasn't in the mood to put on a face and play nice.
Wasn't in the mood to tiptoe around Lucas.
Or make nice with Dustin.
And sure as hell wasn't in the mood to either be ignored by Mike or talked down too.
She may just explode.
So instead of using the games to take her mind off the day, she turned and made her way out the back door.
Not even glancing back in their direction before she circled around and peeked inside of the family dollar.
Spotting a very bored looking Steve and Robin, and she thought.
She thought about stepping through the doors and saying hi.
Thought about streaming up a conversation with them.
But she didn't know if that was right either.
She barely knew Robin, could only identify her through their shared trauma.
And Steve, Steve was great.
He was nice and she appreciated his tact.
But that didn't mean much.
He wasn't her friend after all.
Friends of friends.
Maybe he had felt obligated to look after her just like the rest.
But now that she wasn't a part of that.
Wasn't a part of the group, would he even care anymore?
And all her self doubt and guilt from the day and before came crawling back up her throat.
Clawing at her sides and shooting up her back as her eyes moved up through the window to look at Steve.
And then he spotted her through the window and waved at her, and then it felt like a few of her insecurities faded with the tiny gesture, like some of that negative energy just evaporated with the tiny gesture.
And it left her less heavy, less tired.
She hadn't expected that, but welcomed it.
And so without any more hesitation she stepped inside.
A sigh of relief on her lips at the fact he looked the same, and was treating her the same.
She needed that.
And they were much easier to deal with than Lucas and his friends.
"Hey, Max!"
His voice was smooth and gentle.
Just as welcoming the last time she had heard it.
"What brings you here?"
She didn't know if Steve knew.
Didn't know if they told him or not.
Didn't know if he was just being nice out of pity for her isolation, or if he genuinely didn't know, or if he just didn't care all that much.
And we'll Max wasn't in the business of dragging things out.
"Hiding from Lucas."
"Ah, yah I heard about that, I heard all about that. Ow, Robin."
She watched Robin smack him at his use of the word all. And saw as he reached his arm up to rub at the stop before continuing.
"how yah holding up kid?"
But she didn't' mind the question, in fact she was presently surprised that he knew and didn't seem to care enough to bring it up until it flowed into the conversation.
"Pretty good, though I could definitely go without Lucas blackmailing my mom's co-worker for my new address and showing up unannounced."
"He did what!"
Robin sputtered as she leaned on the counter.
And Steve started confused and a bit shocked.
"Yah, started yelling at me in front of my neighbors and everything."
She tried to laugh it off a bit, but it still came off stilted.
Sure she had forgiven him. And sure they had talked through it. But it still felt bad in nature.
Though The other two seemed to see her discomfort immediately.
Seemed to look right into her and see exactly how she felt about the matter still.
Saw right through her fake laugh and fake smile
And both reacted very differently.
Robin had a look on her face.
A look that said are you ok.
And Steve, Steve moved towards the door.
"Steve, where are you going?"
"I'm going to have a little talk with that boy."
And Max's eyes widened.
She hadn't thought the topic would make Steve react like that.
Had only thought too break the ice a little.
To start with something surprising and then telling them it was all ok.
"Hey, hey no!"
And Steve pounded on her.
She never thought a conversation could go this badly this fast.
"Max, he blackmailed your neighbor. He showed up at your house. He started a fight with you on your lawn.That's not ok. None of that is ok."
And when he said it aloud.
When he laid it all out in front of her she realized that it really wasn't.
Not that she was thrilled while it was happening.
But that maybe she had let him off too easily.
But wasn't that her choice to make?
"We made up already. He apologized, said he'd stay away until I was ok with him coming around again."
"That still doesn't make it ok!"
"Why are you so angry about this?"
"Because you disappear for two weeks, after acting weird. And then show up telling me that your ex-boyfriend is essentially stalking you."
He kneeled down a bit.
"That's not ok Max, ok? I was scared. And I don't care who it is. If someone is hurting someone else I know I won't stand for it."
"But Steve, that's my choice to make. He wronged me and I get to decide what his punishment is, not you."
Steve sighed and ran one of his hands down his face before a look of resignation crossed it.
"You're right."
And Max sighed.
"So . . . can I go and teach him a lesson?"
And he held up his fist awkwardly like he didn't know what to do with himself.
And Max couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled up and out of her.
"No."
"Come on just a little?"
"No, leave Lucas alone."
And for some reason. She felt better about her situation with Lucas then when he had left a week before.
Calmer and more relaxed about it.
"So, music?"
Max turned her head and looked over at a nervous looking Robin.
She knew what she was doing.
And she didn't mind. In fact she'd love a change in topic.
"Yes, music."
Robin awkwardly pointed her hand down at the headphones resting around her neck.
"What are you listening to?"
"Wham!? The Bee Gee's? Tears For Fears?"
Steve cut in, a smile on his face.
"No actually Fleetwood Mac."
And she watched Steve deflate a bit.
"Who-"
He started but was cut off.
"Oh I love Fleetwood Mac, what album?"
"Rumors."
"Favorite song?"
"Dreams."
Steve looked lost and like he wanted to be a part of the conversation but had no idea how.
"Cool, Cool. Have you listened to Stevie Nicks's new album?"
"Stevie Nicks, whose Stevie Nicks."
Max spoke as her face screwed up a little.
"I know her!"
Steve shouted and both glanced at him before going back to their own conversation and he deflated again.
Robin laughed a little.
"Stevie Nicks was the women singing lead in the song Dreams. She's got her own stuff if you want to check it out."
And Robin reached under the counter only to come out with a cassette of her own.
And Max stared at the cover.
The picture of three women, three of the same women all draped in black stared back at her. The title of the cassete along with the womens name hovered above their heads reading 'The Wild Heart' .
" . . . Are you sure?"
Max hesitated.
She had never listened to anyone else's cassettes other than Billy's before.
And the thought of listening to someone elses felt both an escape and like she was ruining the one thing that she felt was bringing her closer to Billy.
"Yah I'm sure, I bought this one myself and my mom ended up buying it for me as well. So I have two companies anyway. Take it."
And Max did. Staring down at the music.
Billy had Fleetwood Mac in his things. He'd probably like Stevie Nicks as well. He may even have a few of her albums if she looked hard enough.
And then she heard the chime of the front doors.
Looking up to see who it was, she saw that it was getting dark out.
As Robin took the customer she turned to talk to Steve.
"I should get going. It's starting to get dark and I need to get home."
"Are you sure. If you wait a few hours I should be able to drop you off?"
She shook her head.
"Nah I'll be fine."
She kind of wanted to walk.
"Alright be careful."
She watched as he hesitated for a moment before he reached down and scribbled something on a piece of paper.
"Here, this is my home number. I get off around 7 and should be home by 9. Please call me so I know you're ok?"
And his face was so pleading, that she couldn't deny him.
"Ok."
And she turned and made her way out the door.