Chapter Text
Que Sera Serra
Chapter 3
Kaylee worriedly knocked on Inara’s door. It had been three days since she had seen her friend and concern was a light word to use for her current feelings. The young woman had heeded Zoe’s suggestion, to give Mal and Inara space for nearly 24 hours.
But now she couldn’t take it. Obviously something was going on between the captain and the companion. Obviously Zoe knew what it was, but Kaylee was pretty sure Zoe only knew one side of the story and she wasn’t sharing.
As much as Kaylee loved her captain, she loved Inara as well. And somehow it just wasn’t fair that the companion had locked herself away, alone, in the shuttle, separated from everyone else.
Not to mention - Kaylee was pretty sure Inara hadn’t eaten in three days.
“Nara?” Kaylee called through the door. “Inara, can I come in, please? You’re scaring me. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
The dark haired woman inside the shuttle sighed. She had busied herself with packing things, organizing things, praying over her situation, meditating and sleeping.
At this point her heart was broken on a level she hadn’t thought possible. But she had convinced herself that she was already past all of that teenage-type angst.
Now, Inara was just numb.
Kaylee looked at the tray of food she held in her hands. She’d thought Inara might be hungry. She could just leave the tray outside the room, but she tried again.
“Nara? I brought you some food. Shepherd brought back some fruits and veggies from… I mean… we been eatin’ ‘em for supper the last couple of nights and I didn’t want you to miss out. Got some corn and carrots…and I saved you an apple. It’s baked with some cinnamon and sugar. Really good…”
Inara sniffled, feeling a few tears covering her eyes for Kaylee’s thoughtfulness. She thought she had cried all the tears her body could handle. Still she stood up from the floor where she had been putting bed sheets and pillowcases into a box. She shuffled to the door and realized, for the first time in days, that perhaps she was hungry and possibly feeling a little peckish.
“Kaylee?” Inara realized her voice even sounded a little weak as she tried to clear her throat. She hadn’t spoken to anyone in three days. “Mèimei, I’m fine, really.”
“Can I come in?” Kaylee asked hopefully. She knew she would feel much better if she could just lay eyes on Inara. The young woman was thrilled when she heard the lock turn on the inside of the door.
The door cracked but then Inara held her body against it. “Wait, Kaylee, did Mal send you up here to check on me?”
Kaylee wasn’t sure what the right answer was for that question, but she had to be honest. “No,” she heard what sounded like a shaky breath come from Inara. She hurried on with an idea that wasn’t 100% true but she thought it might help. “But he’s asked after ya at every meal. I know he’s worried about you, too.”
At that, Inara huffed a tearful laugh, “Sure he is,” she added sarcastically under her breath and then stepped away from the door allowing Kaylee to find her way in.
The room was practically empty, Kaylee realized as she handed the tray of food to Inara and looked around. The furniture was still there, obviously, but decorations had been taken off the walls and some of her curtains had been taken down.
“Where’s all your stuff?” The mechanic looked at Inara who had put the tray of food on her bed then sat down beside it and placed her hands in her lap demurely.
Inara looked at the trunks and boxes sitting toward the back of the room.
“Why’re those packed up?” Kaylee’s breathing quickened and she quickly moved to the boxes to investigate what was actually in them.
“Has Mal not told everyone?” Inara chanced asking while simply watching Kaylee become more and more concerned.
“Told us what?” The sandy haired girl turned to look at her friend and crossed her arms. “What’s going on Nara? Mal ain’t talkin’ - well, ‘parently he talked to Zoe but she’s sworn to secrecy. I know somethin’s going on between you two. Just tell me already, please?”
Inara’s face was more serious than Kaylee had ever seen. “Kaylee, Qīnài de (Sweetheart), I’m leaving.”
Kaylee tilted her head. “What d’ya mean, leaving? We ain’t gonna be on solid ground for another week at least. Nothin’ close enough to take the shuttle for days.”
“Right,” Inara cut in. “When we set down for a couple of days, I’m staying behind,” she explained softly.
“How long?” Kaylee wondered?
“What?” Inara asked.
“How long?” Kaylee asked again. “You got some training or a checkup or something?”
Inara shook her head and pointed to her belongings. “No, Kaylee, I’m moving off of Serenity. I’m going to go back to the training house and live there for a while.”
“Why?” Kaylee’s voice took a deeper turn and Inara realized the younger woman was getting anxious and frustrated that she was just now hearing this news.
“Qīnài de,” Inara started before Kaylee interrupted.
“What did he do to you?” Kaylee’s demeanor suddenly turned cold and she took a couple of steps toward Inara. “Did Mal say something during the fighting at Heart of Gold? Or…or…does this have to do with Nandi dying?”
“This,” Inara took a deep breath and did her best to focus on Kaylee’s questioning face, “it’s…just something I need to do. I never aimed to stay on Serenity,” she continued trying to pacify Kaylee and yet again trying to convince herself.
“My plan was to travel with the ship for a couple of months, find a new place that seemed amenable to my kind, a place where I could settle down and make a life for myself,” she pursed her lips together waiting for a reaction from her friend.
“Amenable to your kind ?” Kaylee questioned. “Aren’t we ‘menable nuff? Or are you talkin’ bout another House Madrassa that’s more fancy for your clients ?”
Inara shrugged her shoulders. “I’m not sure, honestly. I suppose I’m just antsy. You know on Persephone and Sinhon I had regular clients and I was just getting tired of them. I needed a change and figured this would offer me a chance to travel and maybe find a new beginning.” She was proud of herself. The answer sounded truthful and she was even able to get a little more strength and definition back in her voice as she spoke.
“So now you’ve got tired of us too?” Kaylee wondered with her eyebrows dipping low to match the uneasy look on her face. “I never took you for a woman who sucks people in then leaves them behind. But I guess that is what companioning is, idn’t it?”
Kaylee stepped past Inara, heading back toward the door before Inara could wrap her mind around the girl’s words. “Kaylee, Qīnài de, no! That’s not... I love it here on Serenity, I do. You’ve all become like family to me. But I’m just not…it’s not…I’m…not…” she fumbled to find words that just wouldn’t come to her.
“She just ain’t happy here anymore, Little Kaylee. That’s the simple truth of the matter,” Mal’s voice sounded around the curtain that still hid the inner workings of Inara’s space from the shuttle door.
“Cap’n!”
“Mal…”
Kaylee and Inara spoke in unison but with far different expressions as the ship’s captain stepped beyond the curtain with hands in his pockets and a near-unreadable demeanor on his face.
“I thought you said he didn’t send you up here,” Inara lightly chastised Kaylee whose heart was torn between telling these two people to kiss and make up or running for her life before they began fighting again.
Kaylee was quite sure, after seeing Inara…the packing she had done…and talking to the woman, that the ensuing chat may just be the be-all-end-all of the world as she had come to know it.
“Kaylee, I thought Zoe told you to give Inara some space,” Mal’s voice held a fatherly tone.
“I just thought… She ain’t been eatin’,'' Kaylee tried to explain. “I thought if I brought her some of the fresh foods that we’ve been enjoyin’... Though you been throwin’ most of yours away. Can’t believe you been wastin’ this good, fresh -”
“Kaylee,” Mal said her name calmly. “Leave the food here. If Nara feels like eatin’ she’ll eat it. She’s a grown woman. Knows what she needs and when she needs it.” His eyes turned to Inara who was staring at him but not offering any comment.
Kaylee was thinking of a lot of things that she wanted to say but she easily read the tension in the room and decided to abide by what the captain was telling her.
Once his eyes locked on Inara, Mal had nothing else to say to Kaylee. Serenity’s mechanic took her leave, but she at least stepped toward Inara first, offering the woman a quick hug and kiss on her cheek. Inara’s eyes were also preoccupied, staring at the man standing in her room. Still Kaylee whispered to her, “ I don’t want you to go.”
For a split second Inara glanced at Kaylee and smiled, simply saying, “Thank you, Qīnài de,” before shifting her gaze back to Mal.
The feuding non-couple waited until they were sure Kaylee had left, hearing the shuttle door close behind her before either said a word. Still then, they stared at each other for another extended moment before Inara looked down at the food on the tray.
“You can go, too,” she pinched off a miniscule piece of a carrot slice and pressed it against the tip of her tongue.
“You mean leave your space, or go with you when you leave?” Mal wondered somewhat honestly, daring to offer himself a sliver of hope.
“Didn’t you need Kaylee for something? Isn’t that why you came up here?” She asked almost casually as if there was nothing else to be discussed.
“I’ve been up here several times over the past day or so, I’ll have you know,” Mal admitted. “Just figured you didn’t wanna see me so I didn’t knock or nothin’.”
“Like you ever have,” Inara rolled her eyes then followed with a flat, “Thanks for your concern,” and took another pinch of the carrot.
Mal shook his head. Why had he come up here? He ran one of his large hands over his face in frustration. “You should eat. I’ll go so you can enjoy the meal,” he attempted.
“I’m not hungry,” Inara shrugged a shoulder. She knew if she didn’t practically ignore him right now she wouldn’t be able to control her emotions. One look at him, stepping into her shuttle, and she was back on the catwalk again, deciding if she should hear him out, kiss him, or tell him she was through with her time aboard Serenity.
“You know what?” Mal stepped toward the bed and towered over her sitting figure. He put his hands on his hips and glared at her. “Forget that. I’m gonna stand here while you eat. Cause I’m not gonna have you starve on my ship. I don’t need the whole gorram ‘verse saying I let the world’s favorite companion die under my watch. So eat. I ain’t gonna clean up your carcass when you got food right there at your fingertips.”
Inara stared up at him and crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m not hungry,” she said each word succinctly.
Mal, as well, crossed his arms across his chest. Damn it if he didn’t want to kiss her lips and wipe that gorram stubborn look off her face.
“Eat,” he tried again more gently but met the stubborn brown of her eyes. “Inara, what do you want from me? I didn’t come up here looking for Kaylee. I came to check on you. What else you want me to say here?”
She noticed his attitude shift, the softness of his voice, and debated again about standing her ground or rethinking everything that she had worked toward over the past three days.
For once, with her silence, Mal simply took a few steps back and relaxed his stance. He put his hands back in his pockets nervously and just waited.
Inara lowered her eyes from his to look back at the food that was quickly cooling down on the tray beside her. She hesitantly lifted the fork and speared the carrot slice that she had been picking at. Mal watched as she put the bite in her mouth, closed her eyes and let out a quiet, content sigh.
That’s a step. He thought to himself. “It’s good, ain’t it? The corn is sweet and really tender,” he stopped himself from saying anything more although the inane food conversation was probably more welcome than the other discussion/argument/fight that was likely imminent.
“Maybe I am hungry,” Inara finally admitted after enjoying a small scoop of the corn kernels as Mal had suggested.
“I can go,” Mal spoke softly, wanting to stay but fully expecting her to want her privacy as she enjoyed the food. He watched her take another bite of the carrots before she looked at him and shook her head a bit shyly.
“Why do we have such a hard time having a civil conversation, the two of us?” Inara wondered after much consideration.
Mal shrugged and leaned against her desk. “Zoe would say it’s cause I’m stubborn and I don’t listen to what you’re saying.”
“She’s not wrong,” Inara chanced a slight dig at him and finally offered a small smile. She bit on her bottom lip when he offered back a closed lip gesture. “Sit?” she suggested, pointing toward the chair at the desk.
It wasn’t the comfort of her couch, nor an offer to sit beside her on the bed, but it was another step towards healing the gaping, open wound between them.
“If I offer you tea, are you going to think I’m using my feminine wiles on you?” Inara asked.
“I’ll try not to,” Mal smiled again, “but I can’t promise anything. Do you want me to make it for you?” He offered surprisingly.
Inara stood from the bed and moved toward the small table where she kept the various tea leaves and the kettle she used to heat water. “No, you sit.”
Mal did as she instructed and watched. She obviously wasn’t expecting company which made him second guess his feelings about Kaylee barging in on her earlier and the fact that he had wandered by the shuttle door at least a dozen times since his chat with Zoe.
Not once had he knocked.
In all honesty he was again wandering by earlier when he noticed the door ajar and heard two female voices inside Inara’s space . That was just the instigating factor that he needed to finally, again, barge into the shuttle.
Inara was wearing a short night dress made of some silken material. It was covered by a loose, kimono-like robe that fell just above her knees. Her feet were bare and her hair wasn’t coiffed in her normal way, but it still fell, naturally beautiful, over her shoulders.
He thanked her when Inara handed him a cup of the hot liquid and stayed quiet as she went back to the bed and chanced taking a bite of the baked apple.
“Oh, that’s delicious,” she commented around the bite, letting a soft hum of appreciation escape from her throat.
Her expression of pleasure made Mal feel better than he had in days. He loved seeing her happy. The little noise she made caused him to swallow subtly, trying not to make any overt sounds or movements.
It was, however, enough for Inara to notice. She had, after all, she thought, always loved the way his throat gave away the effect she had on him.
“So what brings you to my shuttle, Captain Reynolds?” Inara finally chanced asking. With that one question she felt the butterflies again fluttering in her stomach. “Needing to check on the progress of my packing? I’ve reached out to a few acquaintances from the Guild who can help me find a place -”
“I had a talk with Zoe last night,” Mal interrupted before she could go any farther with that thought. “I told her that you had decided to leave Serenity,” Mal began.
Both of them immediately felt the tension, a wall returning between them.
“Alright,” Inara commented and waited for him to continue.
“Also told her about…my…night with Nandi,” he hurried through the last three words of his thought, “and that it’s made me conjure up a lot of thoughts.”
He risked looking at her and saw a shroud of sadness, or was that anger, or jealousy in Inara’s face.
She nodded without looking at Mal, purposefully directing herself to avoid the gut punch that she had been feeling repeatedly since that morning after . She didn’t have a response to offer to that so she stayed quiet.
“Zoe said,” Mal went on, “that even though you told me you was glad about me being with Nandi…that maybe it was more hurtful - the whole situation.” He swallowed again nervously and held a hand out in front of himself, trying to tell her that he wanted her to continue listening.
“Nara, you may not believe this but I don’t wanna hurt you. I get so confused an’ tongue-tied when I’m around you. You get me so damn worked up,” he stood up from the chair and turned his back for a moment for his own composure. “Things come outta my mouth without me thinkin’ about them first and next thing I know we’re fightin’ cause I just never know the right stuff to say. I know you’re a high-class, well trained woman and I ain’t that kind of man.”
Mal turned back toward her and noted that she was watching him. At least she was listening to him…at least he thought she was. But she didn’t react. He had expected some kind of reaction to him calling her high-class.
He again just waited. He had just told her he didn’t know what to say, so Mal went back to the desk, sat down in the chair and waited.
After a few minutes of impatient silence, watching her pick at the food on the tray again, he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. “Nara,” he started, barely whispering her name, “I don’t want ya to leave.”
Inara turned her head slowly to look at his face. The blue eyes were sincere, sad, pleading with her. And as she really looked, she could tell he hadn’t slept and he may have actually shed a few tears - about her?
“Why her, Mal?” Inara asked. “Why Nandi?”
“I -” he started to answer but knew nothing he could respond would be an answer that she would want to hear. No answer was correct. Anything he would say would be a sorry excuse in her book.
“Zoe’s right,” Inara felt herself gaining just a little more strength. “Knowing that you willingly chose to be with her hurt me, Mal.”
He ducked his head but remained in the seat feeling like a young boy being reprimanded by a teacher.
“I’ve flown with you for months now and you could’ve arranged for a companion or a whore in any one of the places we stopped. Saffron, merciful god, you could’ve bedded her - you were going to if she hadn’t poisoned you first, weren’t you? But you resisted her twice … but you couldn’t resist Nandi? Why, Mal?” Inara gripped the edge of her mattress, balling the covers in her hands.
They sat in silence again until Mal sat back in his chair and stretched his back. “I don’t have an answer for you, Nara. Nothing I can say can explain…”
“Is it because I’m a companion?” Inara pressed on. “Because we have an agreement that I won’t service -”
“No! Damn it!” Mal finally raised his voice but then settled himself again quickly. “I bedded Nandi because I can’t have you,” he attempted.
“Isn’t that what I just said?” Inara crossed her arms across her chest taking the defensive stance.
“No,” Mal shook his head. “You’re basin’ this on your job an’ the fact that I don’t like what you do.” He stood up again, this time working to breathe in and out slowly to try and stay calm. “I don’t want your job, Nara, I want you. But because of your job I can’t have you. You won’t have me. Somehow, without even talkin’ bout it, Nandi knew that. She told me… And she told you too, didn’t she?”
He looked down at Inara sitting on her bed and waited. “It still hurts,” she blinked, letting Mal see the sheen of tears forming over her dark eyes.
“Is that why you want to leave?” Mal wondered. “Because I hurt you by bein’ with Nandi?”
Inara looked at him and pressed her lips together, and thought about what she wanted to say. Mal could see her inner battle and knelt down in front of her, waiting and hoping that she would share her thoughts with him.
“That kind of thing isn’t supposed to affect me,” Inara looked down into Mal’s eyes. “You anger me when you disrespect my work.” She saw his eyes close and knew he was holding back from making a disparaging comment. “Say it,” she willed him to open his eyes and look at her. “Say what you’re thinking, Mal,” she breathed out slowly.
“That thought, that feeling right there,” Mal grit his teeth together and nodded slowly, “is what I feel every time you book a client. I know I ain’t got no right to say a word about what you do. But Nara, a little piece of me…every time you have a client…I tell myself it’s not s’posed to bother me. But it does. Every time, it does.”
“Why?” Inara dared to ask him.
“Huh?” he looked at her curiously and then turned the tables on her. “Why did me bein’ with Nandi hurt you?”
The two sat, staring at each other for a long, drawn out moment before Inara attempted to answer his question.
“Because I’ve fallen in love with you,” she said with a quiver of her lips, “and the idea of you being with anyone - even a friend of mine - hurts. But I’m a companion Mal, love isn’t supposed to be part of what I do,” she rambled until Mal crawled just a little closer to the bed, stood up on his knees and took her hands in his.
“And I’ve fallen in love with you. Not Inara the companion.” He made sure he held her eyes as he spoke to her. “I love the strong woman that you are. I love that you challenge me and stand up to me. But more than all that, I love the Inara who brushes Kaylee’s hair…the woman who lets River sleep in her bed when she’s so overwhelmed she can’t calm down. There’s the beautiful woman who flies her shuttle to conduct her business all by herself and comes to my rescue when my fake wife takes advantage of me or I’m left naked in a desert.”
Inara laughed but added, “I didn’t rescue you when Saffron poisoned you.”
Mal squeezed her hands and quirked an eyebrow at her, “But you tried to, didn’t you? You didn’t pass out cause you let Saffron kiss you, now, did you?”
Inara blushed but then shook her head, “No,” she pressed her lips together.
“You kissed me,” Mal said, recalling the first incident with the woman who tried to con him.
Inara smiled with just a hint of embarrassment showing through the tears that he had again brought to her eyes. “Being in love doesn’t solve our problems, Malcolm Reynolds.”
“I know,” Mal finally climbed slowly from his knees to sit beside Inara on her bed. “But doesn’t it give us a reason to try?”
Inara blushed. She suddenly forgot why her trunks and boxes were packed. And as she looked into his eyes she was having trouble remembering why the two of them hadn’t talked about this sooner.
Mal smiled and pulled one of her hands to his lips, planting a cautious kiss to the back of her knuckles. When she sat still and allowed his warm lips to touch the back of her hand she shivered from the adrenaline coursing through her body.
Mal felt her tremors and his grin turned back to the mischievous one Inara was used to seeing on his face. He leaned toward her and only hesitated when their faces were close enough that neither of them could really focus on each other.
He grinned again with a smile reaching his eyes. “I’m gonna breach our contract now,” he informed her before touching his lips to hers.
“I’m keeping the shuttle,” Inara informed him between a quick succession of kisses.
“As long as that means you’re stayin’,” Mal hummed, “you can have the whole damn boat.”
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