Chapter Text
Humming to herself as she put away the plates, Ulla stepped up on a stool to grab a stray glass Quirin had left on a shelf out of her reach. He oftentimes forgot about her height or didn’t factor that in when he was putting things away. Shutting the cabinet door, she sighed to herself as she folded a clean kitchen rag on the counter. Her fingers itched to measure out powders and jot down observations, to click together forceps and cork vials. But her life was different now, and if anything it was better- right? It was safe and quaint and boring and secure. This was the dream of most women her age, she should be happy. She was happy.
Shuffling a bit, she turned towards the sink, rolling up her sleeves before a voice called out to her in mild distress.
“Ulla!” Donella spoke from the other room, trapped in the corner where the couch met the wall by the baby eagerly toddling towards her. She had her knees pulled to her chest, storybook in her lap as she sat on the floor. Varian cooed eagerly, resting a hand on her leg despite how she shrunk away from him. Her green eyes were wide, “He’s touching me with his weird little hands again!”
Stepping into the room, the woman hid her grin with her palm but wasn’t able to fight back a snicker at the sight. Her son babbled a bit, sputtering with his bottom lip shiny from spit. “Don-Don!”
Wrinkling her nose in disgust, she looked up and tutted her tongue in betrayal. “This is not funny!”
“You’re right, it’s not,” Her words danced with laughter, bouncing in her giggles, “It’s adorable!” Her cheeks hurt from how hard she was smiling, even more as her usually so cold and collected friend’s face flushed a shade of pink. Still though, she decided to show some mercy and stepped across the room to scoop the child up into her arms.
He squealed as she extended her hands above her head, tossing him in the air for a couple seconds before catching once again, something that gave Quirin a heart attack whenever he saw her do it. Hugging her son tightly, as if her arms could protect him from the harsh world, she cradled him and pressed a kiss to his temple and it felt like her heart was exploding. He grabbed the collar of her shirt. “Mama!”
“That’s right,” Ulla replied and pressed her forehead to his own, staring into his blue eyes as if they were a mirror, “Mama and Don-Don! Good job!”
“Please-” She groaned and stood up, setting the book she had been reading out loud while Varian played with his toys on the couch, “Don’t encourage him.”
While she attempted to step away, Ulla grabbed her arm and pulled her closer while balancing her son on her hip. The boy reached out and pulled at the elastic holding her hair in a bun, which the taller also quickly helped undo. Bright red strands cascaded down her back, wild and so much more like her. Standing there, holding her son close while her friend flinched as he brushed over her hand, she felt like herself again. “Come on, Donnie-”
“Don-Don!” The baby exclaimed, watching as she rolled her green eyes in disapproval.
“Right, sorry- Don-Don,” She corrected and noticed out of the corner of her eye Donella softening, “You have to admit you like him a little- just a little.
I know you’re not as mean as you want people to think you are. You don’t have to pretend around me like I don’t around you.
”
“He’s little,” She replied as her friend held out the child towards her, making her take a small step back. Sometimes he’d babble out a word in a language she didn’t understand, or one he picked up on from listening to their conversations. Smart kid.
His huge eyes gawked at her, mouth pulled into a shiny circle as he reached out. His mother grabbed her hand, bringing it forwards while she herself extended a finger. Varian clung onto it eagerly, waving his free fist around. “And strong,”
Her voice softened at that. Tilting her head, Donella stepped closer and half-smiled when he tightened his grip. “Like your mother,” From the edges of her vision, she saw Ulla turn her head in confusion.
“What are you teaching him?” She brought her son closer to herself, resting her chin against his head lightly. His hair was soft- everything about him was- and when he was around she felt comforted. The first time he smiled at her, the first time he looked at her with his ocean eyes, that was when she finally felt as if she made a right choice in all the confusion and debate. She must have done something right to deserve him.
Looking up, she spoke rather deadpanned. “Swears.”
Mock gasping, she shoved her friend’s arm. “Donnie, no! He’s too smart, he'll pick up on it and I won’t know when!” Glancing down, her chest practically burst with pride as she saw how attentive he was, going back and forth in the conversation and forming his lips to mimic the sounds. He was brilliant- and she was going to do everything she could to give him the future he deserved.
He was going to have it all, nothing like what she had. Her son wouldn’t have to scrounge for supplies in the trash or fight to get his hands on every book he could. She would make that path for him. And Ulla felt it- fearfully she did, this fire in her heart raging. She knew she had to stop it, to quiet the flames. But still, there was that urge to burn down everything if it meant keeping him warm.
“Well, to be fair, the only people he could curse out with it are dead.”
~~
Throwing her body weight forwards, a vacuum opened up in her chest. She was falling away, into herself- her veins tingled with the magic that coursed through them moments ago. A shock, as if she had fallen through the ice. She was drowning, and her lifeline was on the other side of a hazy teal film, standing over the green journal Ulla had thrown at her in her rage.
Crying out as her shoulder hit the barrier, she choked on air and fell to her knees, bowing her head as red hair curtained off her face from the world. The world she burned for nothing.
“Donnie!” The name was squeezed out of her throat as if she didn’t deserve to say it, the sound so sweet like molasses suffocating her. It stung like sugar and ash. “Donnie, please- please don’t leave me!”
The woman had her back turned, gray hair almost falling out of its braid as she stared down at the journal. Next to it, a drop of blood landed and absorbed into the brick, staining the stone surface. Her fingers pressed to her face, attempting to stop it but it just kept dripping and dripping and dripping. The pain was duller now, the stabbing was inside her chest and every cry- every sniffle from behind her threatened to bring her crashing down. Muffled buzzing, warmth flowing through her fingers, she couldn’t feel anything… she wouldn’t.
Carefully, Donella picked up the journal and walked, tucking it into her bag and closing the latch as if sealing their fate. One foot in front of the other, shock pulled on an invisible string, guiding her to the portal. All her fight was gone, and now what was left was the chilling aftermath.
“Donnie! I’ll do anything! I’ll- I’ll take it back, see?” She pushed herself up to barely standing, leaning against the surface in front of her and raising her hands. They shook violently, she stared at her palms. Flashes of her friend’s cut face- blood- there was so much of it. Her fingers trembled, she couldn’t hold the spell. Groaning in frustration, she stamped her foot and squeezed her temples with both fists. “I will! I can I just need to- I need to calm down-”
Running her fingers through her hair, she sucked in a shaky breath that left jitters through her body. “I can do it. I can- I can take it back. I can!” She messed up. She messed up bad. Her heart was plummeting to her heels as she watched the figure continue to grow ever smaller.
Numb. Her body wasn’t her own. Did Ulla feel the same way when she was levitating? This mad glow to her eyes? Or were her actions hers? Did she mean what she said when she snapped about not needing her?
“I’m so sorry! Donella, I’m so sorry! I never meant for this to happen I- please! You don’t have to forgive me- You can never talk to me again. But please don’t leave me all alone here!” A scream, hot tears were falling down her face. She was burning from the inside out, turning into smoke and memory. The words were spilling over her lips, fighting with sobs- her stomach heaved. She felt as if she were going to vomit.
A breeze was gentle on her face but stung as the cold air licked at her open wounds. It was a strange dichotomy. She shrugged her bag on her shoulder, the weight there heavy and grounding. The world was calm under the water, peaceful even despite the ever-present fear of drowning. Donella felt it then, her heart racing in her chest, her vision dimming at the edges- her brain and body were severed.
She rested her forehead against the barrier, shuddering. “I want to go home,” And by that, I want to come back to you. I’m sorry I left. Will you still be there now that I’m ready to return? Will you still see me as you did now that you’ve seen what I’m capable of?
Her voice faltered like a lost child's. “Please-” Lifting her face, she was terrified of the possibility of seeing an empty Library. But there was her partner standing with one shoulder facing her, half-turned away. And that was almost worse. “I need you- I was wrong! I’ve always needed you! I’m so sorry, please- Donnie, I don’t know what I’d do without you!” The last syllable turned into a squeal as she pressed herself against the surface.
Forcing air through her lips, she did her best not to speak too much or else the gashes in her cheek would split further. She couldn’t afford to break open more. “I don’t know either.” When she turned to look at her, her green eyes were dulled and shattered. That’s when Ulla felt her stomach drop, her lungs shrinking to nothingness- she lost her. They lost.
The woman turned on her heel.
A horrible splitting in her chest.
Donella stepped forwards, one foot into the light.
Ulla's knees hit the stone, grit digging into her skin.
Opening her mouth, just as the vortex of the portal started to pull her fully- it was too late. The words never escaped.
I need you too.
Come home to me.
We can’t just be past tense.
What if I told you sooner, would that have changed anything?
I’m sorry.
~~
“What does that mean?”
Donella lifted her head in surprise, pulled out of her muttering thoughts as she combed over old scrolls a couple of her henchmen had found the other day. They didn’t tell her exactly how they got it, but it was pretty much understood that a nobleman got robbed of cash and a little something extra. She wasn’t one to steal knowledge, but the information could be missing for a few days while she transcribed- before being found at the gates of some police station. “What does what mean?”
The boy was sitting on the ground near her, playing with some spare parts. His current interest was springs and coils and an assortment of them was sprawled on the floorboards. “What you said.”
She furrowed her eyebrows, not realizing that she had been speaking out loud while she worked. Glancing back at the two pages in front of her, Hugo’s footsteps drew her attention away as he pattered to her side and struggled for a second to see over the desk. Wordlessly, she reached over and lifted the child up and into her lap, resting him on one leg.
He squinted his face at the letters and figures in front of him. The boy always seemed to have trouble reading, she wasn’t exactly sure why. But his upbringing, or lack thereof, was a sound explanation in her mind. “I can’t read that.” His voice got small like he assumed it was his fault.
“This is Old Saporian, Hugo, another language. It takes time to learn how to read it. It took me years,” Donella didn’t think she was reassuring him- but the boy did seem to relax just a touch against her after that.
“Oh,” He pointed to a random word on the page, “What’s that mean?!”
“Boil, as in to bring to a boil.”
He gasped when she spoke, green eyes glittering at her in amazement over something she didn’t find too impressive. “Wow! You did that so fast!”
“Well, I’ve had a lot of practice,” She replied with a shrug as he excitedly kicked his legs on either side of hers. Lots of energy in that kid, she had to get over her aversion to the outside world for him. It would be cruel to keep him cooped up in the lab.
“Is that what you were saying earlier?”
“Presumably,” She glanced up at the clock, noting that it was well past his bedtime. Demanitus, whenever she got wrapped up in a project she forgot about that- and he seemed to know it. Pushing her chair back, she set him down and patted his back, urging him forwards. The child picked up on her nonverbal orders rather quickly over the weeks, hurrying over to where he was playing to clean up. “It hasn’t been spoken in centuries. It’s just my approximation of what it sounds like.”
“You’re so cool!” Hugo exclaimed as he put everything back into the toy chest she had constructed him, hurrying over and sticking out a hand for her to take and walk back to his room with him. She glanced at the work in front of her, the piles of papers she had to get through.
“Do you think you can get ready yourself tonight, kid?” Even as the words escaped, they left some sort of pang in her chest. Memories of empty hallways, notes left on tabletops- it was lonely, she was alone. However, she urged herself to pick up her quill. She wasn’t his mother- wasn’t his parent and she could never be. Blue eyes gawked at her under a mop of messy black hair in her mind’s eye. She didn’t deserve to be.
Turning to the hall, the vastness of it all made his stomach churn. Donella didn’t use candles when she didn’t have to, making the hallway connecting the lab to their living quarters dim. He took a timid step back, “There are monsters in the dark.”
He whispered softly, so quietly that she probably wouldn’t have heard it over the scratch of quill against paper if she had been writing. A shiver ran down her spine, that horrible scream- manic laughter- she shuddered. “Monsters… aren’t here, Hugo.”
“But they are!” His voice rose, pulling her attention away from the ink she so desperately tried to drown herself in. “They’re bad men who get loud after they drink and throw things at me and dogs who tried to steal my food and- and-” The words dissolved into whimpers as he stared at the floor, vision narrowing and arms squeezed tightly around himself.
Within a matter of moments, Donella had knelt in front of him, taking one of his hands. Her eyes softened, lost whatever sort of wall she was attempting to build between them. “No one’s going to hurt you. Not anymore. Not while I’m around.”
He didn’t understand and yet he did. The sounds that came from her lips had no meaning to him, but her tone was mellow and her touch was gentle- Hugo hurried forwards and pressed himself against her. Her arms were strong as they lifted him up, holding him tight and carrying him through the monster-infested hallway. Safe and sound.
~~
Sniffing, Ulla buried her face into the woman’s left shoulder and grabbed onto a fistful of her shirt. She could feel her nails pressing into her palm through the fabric. Her breath came out shaky, stuttery as she melted against Donella’s embrace. They were holding onto each other for dear life- for the life they lost- the one that was never lived.
And yet that didn’t seem to matter anymore, the wasted years, at least not in that moment. “I thought I’d never see you again,” She whispered and felt her chest stop as her friend’s cool hand gently pet her hair. It was a gesture so familiar- and yet so lost to her. “You’re just like I remember-” Relief flooded her words, “I was so scared I’d forget you.”
Terrified that one day the person she found solace in, her Donnie, would be nothing more than a vague trick of the light or shadow in the edges of her vision- that when she thought of her she’d come up blank. And all she had left of her, her memories, would too succumb to the Library. After taking everything she had, it would win.
Her hand was shaking as she lifted it to the side of her head, sitting up in her lap- trembling as her eyes followed the jagged scars that dragged along her face. “I’m so- I’m so sorry.” She choked on the words, hot tears peaking out from her eyes as she whimpered. And Donella cautiously reached up, taking her wrist so that her long fingers brushed against Ulla’s palm. She guided her hand closer to her face until her ghostly touch rested against the raised skin.
Closing her green eyes, her breath hitched and her jaw tightened, pulling at the area, and her eyes themselves started to water. She pressed her lips together, inhaling through her nose sharply and nodding as if she were bracing herself. And she was expecting pain, when was she not? It wasn’t like it didn’t hurt, didn’t burn, didn’t make her heart race faster in this choking sort of way, but somehow- she knew she was safe. She knew she was okay. Slowly, she began to move her touch, down the scars to where they hooked under her jaw. She was being so gentle, treating Donella as if she were delicate like lace or embroidery- like she was pretty, so simple a phrase- an idea that made her chest ache and the little girl in her heart cry out. Because she hadn’t felt that way in a very long time.
Donella held her waist, pulling her closer as if any distance between them was far too much, “I’m so sorry.” She choked out as a tear slipped down her cheek, Ulla’s touch wiping them away. “I was so scared, I didn’t know what to do! I never- I never wanted what happened to us, to you.” Opening her eyes, she observed the way the other looked at her, taking her in.
She leaned closer, her voice falling soft and shaky, “You’re beautiful.”
Two words, she clutched onto the back of her ghostly dress tighter. How could she not when she hadn’t felt almost whole in so long? “Please don’t let this be goodbye, Ulla.” Her voice shook like she was a child again, almost a beg. One last-ditch attempt to talk her out of what she was thinking. Over the years, a part of her thought it was for the best that she never return- because she wouldn't be able to survive leaving her again. “There’s so much I never got to tell you. I- don’t say we’ve run out of time.”
She sniffed and blinked at herself in mild annoyance as she felt wet drops slide down and over the raised skin on her cheek. Turning into her hair to hide it, fiery red strands tickled her face. She was comfort, this was home- Donella felt her breath leave her as Ulla turned her gaze back, staring into those blue eyes once again. And she cried in front of her, for them- for the life they lost. Her heart threatened to leap out of her chest, a thousand never said phrases hammered against the back of her lips.
“You know I can’t keep you here, Donnie. It’s not fair to you,” Ulla let one hand rest against her left shoulder, thumb gently tracing her collarbone. Hesitation halted her. Will you still look at me the same? What if we’ve changed too much? How can I go on knowing we might already be past tense to you? Letting out air from her lungs, the storm quieted. “Before I go, there’s something I’ve always wanted to tell you but-”
“I love you!” The way she said it wasn’t like she did on the other side of the barrier, begging Ulla to release her son from the chains of possession. That confession was strained, rushed, and laced with bitterness and anger. It was harsh like the words tore themselves from her heartstrings and snapped a couple in the process- it wasn’t love, it was hurt.
But this was different, her blue eyes widened upon hearing it as if she couldn’t imagine someone saying that to her after- after everything. It was soft and real, shaky and breathless- like it had been rehearsed to the point of habit but also exhilarated like a first try. I love you, as steady and constant as a heartbeat but never forgettable, never dull.
“Hey!” Her lips tugged upwards, a giggle escaping as she pressed her forehead against Donella’s. Her laughter took over everything, this bubbly melody. But even as she was joyful, her cheeks were growing wet from tears as they fell out- as if carrying all the lost moments they could have had. “I wanted to be the first to say it!” She teased and felt how the other’s hands pulled at her waist, bringing her closer than she already was as if to make up for the miles and years of previous separation.
“I couldn’t wait any longer!” She found herself joining in, laughing through the sniffles, lightness in her chest she hadn’t felt in years. Hesitantly, Ulla lifted a hand to cup her left cheek, and she leaned into her touch. “Sorry.”
“Don’t- you don’t have to be,” Her thumb carefully traced along her cheekbone before she straightened her spine, resting Donella’s forehead against the slope of her nose. When she spoke, her lips brushed her skin delicately. “I love you. I wish I said it more- in a language you understood.”
“I knew you weren’t just reciting old spells,” A chuckle, this one laced with regret as she leaned forwards, allowing herself to relax. “I wish I said it sooner- but I think… we always knew- I did at least.” Lifting her chin, she had this glint of softness behind her gaze.
Ulla nodded in response, though she couldn't help herself. “Are you, cynical Donnie, saying it was destiny? Maybe even fate? Meant to be?” She tilted her head in a slight tease.
“Ugh no-” Wrinkling her nose, she rolled her eyes for good measure, “I’m saying that it was a choice. And I chose you- and you chose me.”
A noise she never heard before escaped her lips, almost a whine- almost a sigh. She let herself drift closer, brushing the tip of her nose against Donella’s, “I’ll choose you again and again. And if all my wishes came true, it would’ve been you.”
Resting her hand on the small of Ulla’s back, she leaned forwards a bit and allowed her eyes to half-lid. “We’ve wasted so much time.”
“Let me enjoy this moment then,” She grinned as Donella pressed their lips together with this force that toed the line between excitement and desperation, hungry and mournful. And she kissed her as if nothing had changed. And she kissed her as if everything had.
Ulla melted into her, glad that they were already on the floor because her knees might have given out with how light-headed she became. What had been unspoken flooded forwards with each action, every touch. And they both understood, they always did.
I want to be what you deserve. She let her hand make its way into the other’s silvery hair, cupping the back of her neck and bringing her closer. As long as I have you I know I’ll be okay.
I couldn’t bear to lose you. A small gasp as Donella pulled away for air, only to close the distance once again like kissing her was just as important as breathing. I need you too.
I love you.