Chapter Text
Hyunjin wandered through the burnt ashes of their circus tent, eyes wandering over what was left with devastation washing over him in waves.
There was nothing left. Everything had burnt down to the ground, the equipment, the tent itself, even the grandstand, were burnt, only a metal construct left stood to Hyunjin’s left. The white foam the fire brigade had used dripped from the steps, slowly.
Chan was still talking to the firemen, and Hyunjin couldn’t bring himself to look at him.
How could something like this happen? Just a few hours ago, Hyunjin was swinging through the air, excited to tell the others about it in the morning. And now he was walking through the ashes of their dreams.
A shaky breath passed his lips. He stumbled over something and when he looked down, he was met with the sight of the metal end holding up the wooden bar he learned to swing comfortably from again. The bar itself had not survived.
The sight alone was enough to send tears springing to Hyunjin’s eyes, though none managed to escape. He swallowed, turning his back to the metal. And for the first time he looked at the people around him.
They all wore similar looks of devastation, their biggest hope, their goal in life, laying to their feet. Jisung met Hyunjin’s eyes and the pure horro in them was enough to make Hyunjin look away.
He had wandered into the destruction with the goal of saving whatever could be saved but the more he walked around the more it seemed like there was simply nothing that could be done.
The engine of the firetrucks roared as the big machinery was driven away.
Hyunjin swallowed. Then he turned to face Chan.
He couldn’t decipher the look on their director’s face, the eldest keeping every thought that crossed his mind to himself. But through the façade, Hyunjin saw him struggle to compose himself.
Then Chan walked towards them. He didn’t need to say anything; he got their undivided attention as soon as everyone noticed he was done talking to the fire workers.
All of them lacked the bravery to speak and so it was Chan, as always, who took the burden.
“They think it was arson.”
Hyunjin had gathered that much. It wasn’t hard to put the pieces together. The noise he had heard when he had walked to the tent and then the fire. If only he had stopped, taken it more serious, and looked into it instead of just continuing without doing anything.
Chan roughly rubbed a hand over his face before letting them fall to his side. “The police will come but the fire fighters already told me that arson cases are very difficult as often a lot of critical evidence is destroyed and even if there is a suspect most evidence would be circumstantial evidence and –“ he sighed. “Basically, he told me not to get our hopes up.”
To Hyunjin’s left, Minho crossed his arms in front of his chest. “It’s not that hard to guess who did it, is it?”
Chan stared at him for a long moment, considering if it was worth arguing over but then his shoulders fell even more. “No, it’s not. But there’s nothing more for us to do than give the police his name and hope for the best.”
If only Hyunjin had followed that noise. Then he could serve as a witness to actually having seen Kim Jeosseob but as it was now all he had was noise that could have been anyone.
Silence fell over them. That was until Jeongin spoke up, softly, afraid of what the answer would be.
“And what now?”
That was the question that was plaguing Hyunjin and that he had successfully pushed back for a few hours now. If he thought about it for too long, he would come to only one result and a childish part of him still hoped it would go away if he only ignored it long enough.
But as he watched a dark shadow fall over Chan’s features, he knew ignoring it was over.
“I put all of my savings into this circus. I don’t have anything left.” Though not spoken straight forward, the meaning behind his words was clear.
“I’ll write all of you letters of recommendations obviously.” A long sigh left Chan, a pain-stricken expression flashing over his face for a moment, a betrayal of the composed director Hyunjin was used to seeing.
“But I think it would be best if you all looked into different circuses to start working at.”
The protest was immediate but quickly struck down by a single raised hand.
“I know you hate it,” Chan said, and his voice was drenched with sorrow. “But we cannot afford to rebuild the circus. We simply don’t have the funds for that.”
Money. It always came back to money and the lack thereof.
How Hyunjin wished he had some secret saving. He wouldn’t hesitate giving it all to Chan. Chan had given them all a home, a place where Hyunjin had found himself and the passion he had thought to be forever lost again.
Chan had given him his life back through unwavering support and patience.
Chan had given him the purpose of his life back that was circus. And with it he had given Hyunjin a small family that he loved. One that would now be torn apart as they all went their separate ways.
Around him the others kept talking, trying to find a way to save the circus, a way to raise enough money. From finding sponsors to putting all their savings together. But every idea was shot down and Hyunjin barely listened anyway.
It finally came to a halt when Chan shushed them. A sad smile pulled on the corners of his lips.
“I appreciate all of you trying,” he paused just a moment, “but there is nothing we can do.”
_________________________
They could stay in the trailers as long as they needed was what Chan had said.
They needed to leave the property as soon as possible was what the police had said.
As Hyunjin went through his stuff, slowly packing it into small cardboard boxes, his mind was still searching for a solution. After overcoming the initial shock, it had started working in overdrive.
“You’re so quiet”, Seungmin said. He was folding one of his shirts, being unusually slow in his movements.
“Just thinking”, Hyunjin replied after a moment.
“I called my mom”, Seungmin said then. It was not what Hyunjin had expected, and the sudden change of topic managed to rip Hyunjin out of his thoughts momentarily.
“She said we could stay there for a little while.”
Hyunjin needed a second to catch up. And when he did, he wasn’t sure he had heard correctly.
“We? As in you and me?”
“Of course.” Seungmin said it so easily as if it wasn’t weird at all that a woman Hyunjin had never met was allowing him to live with her for a bit. It felt like Hyunjin was overstepping big time and as so, he wanted to decline.
But where else was he supposed to go? His family was out of the question, and he didn’t have any money to rent an apartment for even just a month.
If he didn’t want to sleep outside, he would have to take up the offer no matter how uncomfortable it made him.
“I thought she was allergic to dogs?” was what he said instead.
“She is”, Seungmin answered and something in his voice made Hyunjin’s blood freeze, whirling around to face his friend.
Before he could even get a word out, Seungmin was already speaking. “Relax. They’re going to stay with Changbin Hyung for a while. Until I find somewhere else to live and work.”
The dogs would hate that. But just another thing that could not be helped.
Going back to pack his stuff, Hyunjin’s mind was already going over possible solutions again. Though none were actually usable.
“You don’t have a secret heritage that you have never told me about, do you?” Hyunjin asked as he put one of the few books laying around untouched into the box.
Seungmin chuckled but it lacked its usual lightness. “Sadly, no. We could rob a bank though.”
“I think Chan Hyung would only accept money that we got legally”, Hyunjin said, as if that was the only reason against Seungmin’s suggestion.
This time when Seungmin laughed it sounded a little more genuine. Though the sad ring to it didn’t disappear.
“That heavily restricts our options.”
Their little banter was over before it really started, and they continued to work in silence, putting away most of their stuff. It wasn’t a lot, Hyunjin realised as he looked at the two boxes holding everything he would take with him.
“I heard him last night.” Hyunjin hadn’t meant to say that, but the words were spoken before he realised it.
The noise behind him stopped as Seungmin turned towards him. Hyunjin didn’t turn around, but he could imagine the look Seungmin was wearing perfectly.
“What do you mean?”
It didn’t sound accusatory; something Hyunjin only now realised he had been afraid of. He could have stopped Kim Jeosseob. And he didn’t. It only made sense for the rest of them to be angry with him.
Hyunjin swallowed, hand continuing to fold his clothes even as his eyes unfocused.
“I went inside the arena last night. And on my way, I heard a noise.”
He waited, wanting to see if Seungmin would comment. He didn’t and so Hyunjin had to continue.
“I didn’t go look what was going on.”
He took a deep breath, awaiting some form of a reaction. Instead, the noise of Seungmin going back to packing started again.
“Well, it’s good that you didn’t.”
That was not what Hyunjin had expected. Confused, he turned around, only to find Seungmin now turned away from him. “If that guy was willing to burn down the whole circus who knows what else he might have done.”
Hyunjin wanted to argue but Seungmin spoke with such a finality that there was no room for it.
And Hyunjin had to admit that he had a point.
It wasn’t like there was a point thinking about it. But despite knowing that, it was hard to stop. It was even harder to stop thinking about ways to get money. The amount they needed was unreal. If all of them worked for a few years perhaps they would manage to get enough. But Hyunjin didn’t want to wait years. He didn’t want to find a different circus. A circus where the director wasn’t a gentle as Chan; one where he wouldn’t be told it’s okay and to rest if he had a day on which climbing up to the roof of the tent was an impossible task.
A circus where the artists’ comfort wasn’t the number one priority.
He really had been spoiled here.
Finally, he had all of his boxes done.
“My mother should come pick up us soon.”
Hyunjin nodded but didn’t comment on it. He was still uncomfortable with living with Seungmin’s parents, but he would have to get over it.
For the next while he watched Seungmin pick up the last of his belongings and putting them neatly into the boxes before closing them and taping them shut. The trailer was probably the closest thing to a home Hyunjin had had in the last few years.
Sure, the apartment he had shared with Seungmin had been nice but the constant threat of being evicted had prevented him from ever feeling truly settled.
He had thought he would live in the trailer for a long time.
Seungmin’s phone pinged and before he said anything, Hyunjin already knew that it was time.
His boxes were light. And still, despite that, Seungmin was watching him carefully, as if carrying them would cause Hyunjin pain and he would have to intervene. That worry would probably never go away.
When they stepped out of the trailer, a heavy weight settled on Hyunjin’s chest. It only worsened once the door fell shut behind them and Chan appeared. He spent the last hours going through the ashes to see if anything could be saved. But by the defeated look on his face Hyunjin guessed it hadn’t been successful.
“You two are leaving?” he asked, and of course, the true leader he was, a small smile adorned his lips even if his eyes shined with sadness.
Seungmin nodded.
“If you both ever need anything, anything at all, don’t hesitate to text me.”
Then he pulled Hyunjin in for a hug. It was awkward, with the boxes in Hyunjin’s hands, but non the less, he soaked up the comfort, blinking away the moisture that was gathering in his eyes.
Hyunjin took a deep breath, forcing a smile that he hoped would make Chan hurt a little less.
Silently, he followed after Seungmin as they left the property to find an old black car parked to the side. A woman stepped out, the resemblance to Seungmin undeniable.
She hurried over. “Let me help you with that, boys.”
But Hyunjin held his box out of reach, bowing in greeting. “It’s alright, Mrs. Kim. Thank you.” If she heard how his voice wavered, she didn’t mention it, only smiling ever so softly as she took Seungmin’s box out of his hands.
Hyunjin sat on the backseat, still very uncomfortable with the whole situation, though his mind was more caught up on his burnt dreams, making it hard to focus on replying to all of Seugmin’s mother’s questions.
As they drove away, his gaze flickered to the ashes of their tent one last time.
Chan stood in the middle of it. A lone figure standing in the ashes that held all of their dreams; burnt down just like that.
_________________________
Hyunjin picked at his food. Hunger hadn’t found him yet, but he didn’t want to seem impolite and not eat when Seungmin’s mother had stood in the kitchen for hours trying to make them a home cooked meal filled with love that would sooth their aching hearts.
The house Seungmin’s parents lived in was small but so well cared for. Blankets laid around everywhere, ready to grab at the slightest shiver, candles lined every free space and pictures of Seungmin as a child, his mother and his father hung on the walls.
It was a home that spoke of a happy family. Hyunjin felt like an intruder.
“How are the dogs?” she asked, trying to get small talk started. She had asked Hyunjin something earlier too, but he had barely noticed, until she had steered the conversation into a different direction and guilt had grabbed him immensely.
Seungmin devoured his food. He must have missed his mother’s cooking.
He replied but again, Hyunjin couldn’t find it in himself to listen.
Then his mother cleared her throat and it finally pulled Hyunjin out of his thoughts.
“So”, she started carefully, “I heard you already have an idea who could have done it?”
Something heavy settled into Hyunjin’s stomach, something close to nausea, making him push around his food even more.
“Yeah,” Seungmin answered for him. “We think it could be the director of Felix’s and Hyunjin’s last circus. He’s been around every now and then.” He spoke so easily, Hyunjin would wonder where his emotions were had he not known Seungmin so well. Barely ever were his thoughts betrayed in his voice. And as such, Hyunjin knew better than to give Seungmin’s light tone too much importance.
His mother hummed, eyebrows furrowing as her gaze flickered up to look at Hyunjin. Her dark eyes were filled with pity, something Hyunjin hadn’t seen directed at him for a while now. It made him shift in his seat.
He knew he wouldn’t like whatever she wanted to say before she had even spoken.
“Is it the same director that was in charge when your accident happened?”
And he was proven right.
But he nodded, a tight smile pressing his lips together. With everything that had happened, his accident was the last thing he wanted to talk about. But he wasn’t about to snap at the woman that was kind enough to let him live in her house and cooked him a meal on top of that.
A long, almost frustrated, sigh left her.
“Did he at least have to pay for your medical expenses?”
It was a thought that Hyunjin had had; suing him. But he hadn’t.
“No,” he said, averting his eyes from the intense gaze that was directed at him, “I never went to court.”
A surprised gasp fell from the woman’s lips. “Why not? Treatment must have been so expensive.”
That was an understatement. But of course, there had been reasons. Reasons that still held but that he didn’t want to get into. Yet, when he looked back up and found Seungmin’s mother looking at him with pure genuineness, he knew he had to say something that would satisfy her.
“I was mostly focused on recovering.” Because that had been his main concern. Money had come only when he had come out of rehab a couple months later and the fight with his insurance had started.
“And it wasn’t faulty equipment or anything. A different artist made a mistake. It wasn’t something he could control.”
That had been the main reason. In his eyes and with the limited research he had done one evening when he had felt mentality stable enough to face this topic, he had found his chance to win the case too slim to try. If he lost, he would have had to cover the attorney costs and that would mean spending even more money he didn’t have.
His mental stability had not held up long enough to do intensive research on it.
Seungmin’s eyes were boring into him from his right. This conversation they had once. Only one time Seungmin had dared to bring it up. And Hyunjin had shut him down so violently that he had never tried again.
Maybe it hadn’t been fair, but it had been a time where Hyunjin had been in so much pain. And there had been so much paperwork for the hospital. And even more for his insurance. And he had had to call his insurance because they had been refusing to pay. And he had had to write emails. And he had had to answer so many texts of relatives and colleges that checked in on him. And he had had to constantly talk about the accident.
And they had had troubles with their landlord. And they had been late to pay rent.
Hyunjin’s mind had barely allowed him to fall asleep.
He wouldn’t have been able to bear having to organise a whole court case on top of that. Even if it had gone in his favour; even if he had gotten money; he just hadn’t been able to do it.
It had been too much.
And apparently that had been so clear to Seungmin that he had refrained from ever bringing it up again.
Now though, with most of the things resolved, Hyunjin still found himself uneasy talking about it, anxiety gripping tightly at his chest, but it didn’t feel like he was suffocating at the thought anymore.
Knowing Seungmin that would be enough for him to bring it up again later.
His mother, however, seemed to notice the stress he was experiencing just from the mention of it. She smiled, picking up her chopsticks again and finally – finally – stopped looking at him with such intensity.
“I am sure you did what was right for you at the time.”
The rest of dinner passed quietly with Seungmin and his mother mostly talking about people Hyunjin didn’t know. They tried to include him but there were only so many cousins, daughters and sons of relatives and friends that Hyunjin could remember.
After dinner Hyunjin insisted he help with dinner. And despite Seungmin’s mother refusing, Hyunjin felt he had to do something to repay her for her warm welcome.
Even though it was a little awkward, standing in the kitchen with the woman he barely knew while Seungmin had been ordered to prepare the guest mats, Hyunjin pushed through it, attempting small talk even if he had never been particularly good at it.
Still, tension left him as soon as they were done.
“Right this way”, Seungmin’s mother said, the soft smile curling her lips up that had been there the majority of the evening. Despite how similar Seungmin was to his mother appearance wise, Hyunjin couldn’t help but wonder where the open display of warmth was in his friend.
Whereas his mother was all soft smiles and encouraging words, Seungmin lacked all of that. He cared in different ways, but Hyunjin couldn’t help but wonder if that was his father’s influence. His father was on a business trip but in the next couple days Hyunjin would surely get to know him as well.
He followed Seungmin’s mother into a room that clearly had belonged to Seungmin when he had still lived here. It was less cosy, untouched by his mother, a lot colder and more convenient. Only a few pictures hung on the walls that gave the room at least a touch of a personal feeling.
A mat lay on the floor next to a bed, a pillow and a blanket neatly folded at the end of it.
Next to him, Seungmin’s mother suddenly gasped, clasping her hands over her mouth as she turned to face Hyunjin.
“Is this okay? For your back?”
A beat of silence. Then the words fully caught up to Hyunjin.
“Of course”, he hurried to say.
Funnily enough that hadn’t even been a thought he had had. It used to be the first thought that would cross his mind whenever he had to stay somewhere; whenever he went somewhere. Would he have to stand for a long time? Would he be able to sit down? Would there be something suitable to sleep on? Would his back be okay if he rested there?
But none of those thoughts had crossed his mind even briefly today.
He didn’t know what to make of that.
But Seungmin’s mother looked at the mat with upset pulling her eyebrows together.
“I will get you another mattress. Something softer you can put on top of this one.”
She was out of the room before Hyunjin even had the chance to protest.
He looked at Seungmin for help, but he only shrugged his shoulders.
“You have to let her do what she wants to do. She’ll fret the whole night otherwise.”
Seungmin opened the box he had been carrying, pulling out some of his stuff.
“Either way, I’m not going to let you sleep on the floor anyway.”
Hyunjin, for a moment, looked at Seungmin in disbelieve.
“You’re not going to sleep on the floor. This is your home. I’m just the guest.”
In their apartment, Hyunjin had accepted Seungmin’s stubbornness when it came to taking the sofa and leaving the bed to Hyunjin. But in his own house, Hyunjin definitely wouldn’t do that.
“My back is fine”, he said before Seungmin got a word in.
Seungmin hummed but didn’t further comment on it.
His mother came back, her arms filled with cushions and blankets. She placed them down carefully, smiling at Hyunjin and her son.
“I’ll be heading to bed now. Good night, boys.”
Hyunjin bowed once more to thank her for all the effort and stayed standing until she had left the room. Only then did he let himself fall to the ground and splayed himself over the mattress.
A deep sigh left him, letting his muscles relax finally after the exhausting day.
He closed his eyes, listening to Seungmin roaming around, getting his stuff to leave for the bathroom and get ready for bed.
He wished his mind would quiet down as well as his body did. But it seemed the relaxation only elevated his thoughts running around.
Somehow, Seungmin’s mother bringing up suing was stuck at the forefront of his mind. It was something he hadn’t thought about in a long time. But now that the idea was brought back up, he found himself thinking about it.
The reasons still held up, apart from being too stressed maybe. But he still didn’t think he would win the case. And he wouldn’t be able to afford a lawyer either.
And people like Kim Jeosseob – influencal, rich and with connections – never lost a case anyway. They never paid for wrongdoings.
He rolled onto his side, pillowing his head on his folded arm. Blinking his eyes back open, he stared at Seungmin’s bedframe.
What was he going to do?
Finally, it had seemed as if he had figured out his life. But now he wasn’t so sure. Perhaps he would find a spot in a different circus. But did he really want that? He could try to follow Felix; they could try being a real team again. Though the biggest question still stood: would he be able to do what he did last night in just some random circus? Where not the whole team put everything to the side to help him. Where the director wasn’t as involved with the artists? Where the artists’ comfort wasn’t put as top priority?
The door opened and when Hyunjin looked over, he saw Seungmin waddling back in.
“Mom left some towels by the sink if you want to take a shower.”
That actually sounded like a good idea. The smell of smoke had not only soaked into his clothes but also his hair and it even felt like it had settled on his skin. Washing that away surely would make him more comfortable.
And he was right. When he came back from getting ready for bed, his hair still wet and sticking to his face, he did feel a little better, though his thoughts still hadn’t slowed down.
Of course he wasn’t surprised to find Seungmin having settled onto the mats on the floor, scrolling on his phone to try and avoid the argument that was sure to come from that.
Hyunjin didn’t intent to argue.
Instead, he simply laid down. On top of Seungmin.
The other groan, gently pushing Hyunjin to the side. “This can’t be good for your back.”
“I told you my back is fine.”
It would take time for Seungmin to believe it. Hyunjin himself still had a hard time believing how pain free he was. Sometimes, when he moved a certain way, he stopped, expecting for pain to shoot through his back. But it didn’t.
A few minutes passed where none of them moved. And honestly, it was quite comfortable, despite the awkward way his body was splayed over Seungmin.
He could see himself falling asleep like this.
Only Seungmin decided to speak and by the tone of his voice it was something that had been on his mind for a while.
“Why were you outside last night?”
“Huh?”
“You said you saw something when you were outside last night? Why were you up in the first place?”
Right. The thing that Hyunjin had been so excited to tell the others about before he had woken up today. It felt almost unreal; like a dream.
“I wanted to use the trapezes.”
He felt the disapproving look he received more than he actually saw it. Before Seungmin got a word in – undoubtfully wanting to scold Hyunjin for doing something Seungmin had explicitly told him not to do – Hyunjin continued. He took a deep breath. This was not how he had imagined telling Seungmin would go. But just the thought of flying through the air like he had done last night brought the ghost of a smile to his lips.
“I managed to do it”, he whispered, like it was a sacred secret. This time, he saw Seungmin’s look in response; confusion written all over his face.
“I managed the transfer from one of the trapezes to the other. And I landed it.”
It was funny, watching realization set in for Seungmin. The way his eyebrows furrowed just for a second in confusion before he understood the meaning behind Hyunjin’s words and his eyes widened almost comedically.
“You did it?”
Hyunjin nodded, unable to keep the smile off his lips.
Seungmin sat up suddenly, disturbing Hyunjin enough for him to roll to the side and off Seungmin.
“You did the element?”
The shock in Seungmin’s voice only made the smile on Hyunjin’s lips grow as he nodded. Then suddenly Seungmin threw himself at Hyunjin, arms coming around him in a bone crushing hug.
Startled, Hyunjin took a moment to return the hug, a chuckle falling from his lips.
“What’s gotten into you?”, he asked, though the smile didn’t leave his face. It was just unusual for Seungmin. Especially considering Hyunjin had expected at least some degree of upset at him having disregarded Seungmin’s instructions. And perhaps the scolding was yet to come. But for now, Seungmin was radiating happiness.
“I’m so proud of you, Hyunjin.” Seungmin’s voice was barely above a whisper, so much honestly within the few words that Hyunjin’s squeezed him back tightly.
When Seungmin pulled back a huge smile was on his face. One that was genuine it hurt Hyunjin’s heart with the amount of warmth that was spreading inside of him.
Though, his next words dimmed some of that glee.
“There’s nothing stopping you from getting into whatever circus you want now.”
There was, considering that Hyunjin’s favorited circus was no longer existent. He bit his tongue though. No need to bring down Seungmin’s good mood. So, instead, he forced his smile to stay in place as he nodded.
But despite his effort, Seungmin saw through him. Of course he did. And slowly, his own smile lost some of its light; replaced by a softer curl of his lips with a hint of sadness.
“You’ll do great wherever you go”, was what he chose to say. And again, Hyunjin could only nod.
He laid back down again, Seungmin copying him. It spoke of true stubbornness that they both refused to let the other sleep on the floor and as a result they both were sleeping on the floor.
“It just sucks that he is going to get away with everything he has done”, Seungmin suddenly said, putting an end to their light conversation just like that. He didn’t need to clarify who he was talking about.
Hyunjin hummed, a familiar but uncomfortably heaviness sitting on top of his chest. Police had said it was unlikely that he would get caught. He would get away. Just like he had done three years ago.
It wasn’t fair.
“I wish there was something we could do”, Seungmin continued despite not getting a response.
If Hyunjin believed in karma perhaps he would say that eventually it would get him. But he had gone through too much hardship at the hands of others to be able to believe in such a concept. Bad and powerful people got away, always.
He felt Seungmin turn away, ending their conversation as a whole. He muttered a ‘goodnight’ and Hyunjin responded with a hum; his mind stuck on his last thought.
It was just unfair; how people got away with so much, with hurting so many people just because they had connections and more money than others.
That just wasn’t right.
Hyunjin had always accepted that as a fact, not something he thought he couldn’t do anything about.
He wasn’t sure if he could do now either, but it certainly wasn’t as easy to put aside as ‘it is what it is’ as it had been years ago.
He turned onto his side, facing away from Seungmin.
And he wasn’t even the most affected by what had happened. Chan had put his everything into this circus. He had put everything on the line when he left his last circus. It surely had put is reputation in the industry at risk, leaving such a prestigious circus only to open up as direct competition.
Anger started simmering in Hyunjin’s gut. It was just not fair.
He didn’t want to accept it.
As he grabbed for his phone, he made a decision.
He would not accept it.
_________________________
Men and women in suits were side eyeing Hyunjin as he sat in a fancy wooden chair outside of the bureau. He felt severely underdressed in his torn-up jeans and hoodie that he had pulled up to cover most of his face after one of the men had looked at him especially narky.
His leg bounced up and down as he pulled out his phone to look at the time. His appointment should have started five minutes ago.
Was he at the wrong door? Did she see him and decide to reject him without even hearing him out? Perhaps she had been one of the women that he had heard whispering about him a few minutes ago.
He ran a stressed hand through his hair, pushing it back and away from his face.
Maybe this had been a dumb idea.
At least he hadn’t told anyone just in case it fell through. It seemed like that had been a good idea.
Before he could fall deeper into wherever his mind was going, the door next to him opened, and a woman peeked her head out.
“Hwang Hyunjin?”
He nodded, stood and stumbled slightly. The woman only chuckled before gesturing for him to come inside.
The office was intimidating if anything, a mix of modern, clean furniture and older pieces that gave the room a comfortable but professional feeling.
She didn’t make him sit opposite of her desk, the one that had files stacked high and a laptop opened with a single coffee cup next to it.
Instead, she gestured to a second square table, around the corner of the L shaped room that Hyunjin had not noticed before.
He sat down, nervously wringing his fingers in his lap while the woman sat down at the side to his right. She laid down a file but folded her hands over it without opening it.
“How are you?”
It wasn’t a question he had expected, so Hyunjin stumbled over his words, trying to get out a simple ‘I’m fine’.
The woman nodded, all soft eyes and gentle smiles. Somehow, it reminded him of Seungmin’s mother. Only that this woman was dressed in an expensive looking suit and despite the comfort she was radiating, she also seeming highly professional in the way she held herself.
“I’m glad”, she said. “I’m Mrs. Cheong. We’ve been in contact.”
Finally, she opened the files and revealed the e-mails that Hyunjin had been writing to her during the last few weeks. He shifted in his seat, his leg beginning to bounce again.
“I’ve taken a look at everything and have been doing some research.” She pulled out a few documents. Medical bills, medical reports and even the accident report that Hyunjin had managed to get after she had asked him to try and find it. It had taken a while but after Hyunjin had said a lawyer was requesting the report, he had received it without much of a comment. All of those were documents he had sent her.
“Your medical bills total into the millions”, she continued and Hyunjin only nodded, the huge number not really registering even though he probably would have guessed something like that had he really thought about it.
Some of the money he had gotten back from insurance, obviously. But a big part had been paid out of pocket too.
Mrs. Cheong pointed at a few numbers she had circled in red. And Hyunjin nodded along as if he understood what she was trying to tell him with that.
“Do you have old colleges that could testify on the work conditions in the circus under Kim Jeosseob’s direction?”
Technically yes. Hyunjin could ask Felix and Chan. But he wasn’t sure the later would like to talk about everything that had happened. Every time Kim Jeosseob’s name was as much as mentioned, Chan’s face hardened, and he shut down the conversation as soon as possible.
Same thing happened when someone asked about the police investigation into the arson case.
Hyunjin doubted he would want to be involved in this. Especially, if he had to stand in front of Kim Jeosseob the whole time.
Felix might do it, but Hyunjin knew how much the accident had affected the other. Putting him through reliving it all just to explain to some judge that the conditions really had been bad just seemed like too huge of a favor.
So, Hyunjin shrugged.
Thankfully, Mrs. Cheong didn’t grow frustrated, only nodded in understanding as she flickered through the pages.
“Do you know someone that could testify on the affects the injury had on your life apart from the doctors?”
The first person that came to mind was Seungmin. And sure, he had seen a lot of it. But he hadn’t been there in the early states either, in the first weeks where Hyunjin hadn’t been able to even sit up. He hadn’t seen the brunt of it, only the long-term effects.
Which were bad enough honestly.
“I have a friend I met a couple months after the accident. I lived with him for a long time.”
Again, Mrs. Cheong nodded but didn’t comment on it.
Hyunjin saw her think it over. But he trusted her knowledge and her competence.
When he had started contacting lawyers, trying to find someone that would take his case pro bono he had expected the worse. He had not expected to get a response from the law firm with one of the best reputations in Seoul.
But here he was. Even if totally out of his element.
Mrs. Cheong closed the file and when she looked back at Hyunjin, her eyes were filled with determination.
“I don’t think we will get a lot of money if we bring the case to court.”
Hyunjin’s shoulders fell, and a long breath left him. That was exactly what he had been afraid of.
“However,” Mrs. Cheong continued, and her lips curled into a smile that – had Hyunjin not known her to be an absolute professional – he would almost describe as mischievous. “We could try to achieve a compromise.”
Hyunjin’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, not quite following her line of thought.
“Why would they do a compromise if we would lose in court?”
“I didn’t say we would lose. I’m saying that we wouldn’t get a lot of money if we won. And our chances would not be great. But what going to court would do” the smile grew even more and Hyunjin could no longer deny the impish tint it held, “is cause a lot of media attention.”
His confusion must have been clear on his face because she continued without him even having to ask.
“You’re a well-known figure in the industry. So is Kim Jeosseob. Even your accident is a well-known incident. If you went to court and the media caught wind of it, which I would make sure they do, it would cause a lot of bad press for Kim Jeosseob’s circus.”
Following the accident there had been a few articles here and there questioning safety within the circus. But it had died down quickly.
At the time it hadn’t done anything to damage Jeosseob’s reputation. But times had changed and Hyunjin could picture the uproar online once people found out he had almost been responsible for a death within his circus.
“And now imagine details would be leaked. Let’s say, medical expenses and that Kim Jeosseob didn’t pay a single penny for what he did. Or perhaps even things that wouldn’t be of importance for the case at hand. Maybe something like him being seen at the new circus you worked at” The smile had turned fully evil now and Hyunjin understood why the reviews he had read online all said they never wished to be on the party opposite of Mrs. Cheong. “He seeked you out, multiple times. One could call that harassment. Perhaps even stalking.”
Hyunjin listened with a mix of wonder and horror. He sure never wanted to get into legal trouble if this was how things were handled.
“And now imagine people find out that your new circus was burnt down. After he had been stalking you for weeks.”
She shrugged, leaning back in her chair.
“It would kill his career.”
Hyunjin wouldn’t deny the pleasure that ran through him at the thought. But he still didn’t know where she was going with this.
“As much as I’d like his career to be over, that won’t help me get damages.”
Mrs. Cheong nodded as if she had expected his replay. Which she probably had.
“Yes. But that would happen if we went to court. I’m sure Kim Jeosseob has a great interest in preventing that. So it it is what we will discuss during the compromise. You won’t say a single thing to the public about anything that has happened. And in exchange, he pays for all of your medical expenses.” She hit her index finger against the file. “All of it.”
Hyunjin had hoped for a fraction of the money he had spent. The prospect of getting it all back just seemed improbable. But Mrs. Cheong was smiling with so much confidence, as if her plan was absolutely foolproof.
“I wouldn’t be allowed to talk about it anymore?” he asked instead of focusing on the money part.
Mrs. Cheong nodded, a hint of sympathy slipping onto her features.
“Not a single word. That’s what I’m expecting. It would come down to what exactly is written in the compromise. But with this amount of money on the line, I’d expect Kim Jeosseob’s lawyer to insist you never be allowed to talk about it in any sort of form again.”
That sounded risky. Sure, Hyunjin didn’t necessarily enjoy talking about what had happened. But not being allowed to was a scary thought to have.
“Not the public anyway”, Mrs. Cheong said. “Obviously you’re allowed to talk to doctors, therapists and perhaps friends but that one could be denied by the agreement.”
There was a possibility he wouldn’t be able to talk to Felix about what had happened? To Seungmin?
They could forbid him from doing that?
Mrs. Cheong must have seen the conflict on his face because she lay a comforting hand on his upper arm. “We can try and get them to exclude some people. And even if they don’t agree to do that, if you talk to your friends about it at home, you’ll only have to pay up for it if they go to the police and then it’s proven that you actually did it.”
Even if not spoken frankly, Hyunjin was surprised to find the lawyer basically telling him that it was okay to break the agreement as long as he didn’t get caught.
It did sooth him a little. And honestly, being able to say he was legally not allowed to talk about it would surely get him out of a few situations where he was asked about it and simply didn’t want to answer.
So, after a moment of considering, he nodded.
“Okay.”
The smile that broke out on Mrs. Cheong’s face was comforting even if a little scary. Like a warrior getting the okay to go feral.
“Thank you for trusting me. I will get you every penny back.”
_________________________
Five months. It took a full five months until Hyunjin stood in Mrs. Cheong’s office again, a check in hand that had more zeros on it than he could count.
He stared at it in utter disbelieve, partly convinced it was fake. Because no way. No way had that worked out.
He was Hwang Hyunjin. Things didn’t work out for him.
Yet, here he was, a check signed by Kim Jeosseob himself. And a smiling Mrs. Cheong stood in front of him, hands comfortably put inside of the pockets of her suit pants.
“I know it doesn’t take away years of pain but maybe it soothes it a little.”
Hyunjin couldn’t answer, still staring at the small piece of paper that could change so much with wide eyes.
“Thank you so much”, was the only thing he could think of saying.
“It was my pleasure.”
Hyunjin knew it was probably his cue to leave but his feet were rooted on the floor, not moving an inch, afraid the check in his hands would disappear into thin air once he moved.
“Do you get a part of it?” he asked then, finally able to tear his eyes away from it to look at the person that had made it possible. “Like a win ratio or something?” That was something he had come across a lot during his research online.
But Mrs. Cheong only shook her head, a gentleness to her that was so calming. “No, Hyunjin. It’s all yours.”
That-
That couldn’t be true. There had to be a catch to it. Hyunjin didn’t win things.
Noticing his conflict, Mrs. Cheong continued. “I took your case pro bono. I’m not going to take any of the money that is rightfully yours.”
“Why did you do it pro bono?” Hyunjin asked. He was some circus artist the woman had probably never heard of before. She was one of the most popular and most expensive lawyers in Seoul. She probably had CEOs and idols knocking at her door, credit card already ready in their hands.
Mrs. Cheong sighed. “Because I became a lawyer to help people that were treated unfairly. And when I read your first e-mail explaining what had happened, I felt the strong urge to help right what had gone wrong to the best of my abilities.”
Had she not been a lawyer and probably weirded out by it, Hyunjin had hugged her.
As it was, he just nodded.
“Thank you so much.”
Those words probably weren’t enough to really convey just how thankful he was, but they were the best he could do.
“Actually”, Mrs. Cheong spoke up just as Hyunjin was about to finally leave, “there is something you could repay me with.”
Immediately, Hyunjin stopped, his full attention on her. Whatever it was, he would give it to her.
“Whatever circus you’ll work in next, I’d like tickets. I haven’t been to a good show in a long time.”
She smiled and Hyunjin found himself returning the gesture. That certainly could be done.
With a deep bow, Hyunjin finally left.
Outside of her office, he stopped, taking a deep breath to gather himself.
It was over.
He had won.
He had actually won against him. After all this time, he had to pay.
That didn’t seem real.
Hyunjin had agreed to meet the others in Chan’s apartment today. When he had agreed, he hadn’t known today would be the day he would get the results of the compromise. But now, the check tightly clenched in his hands, he didn’t think there was a better opportunity to announce it than today.
Putting it away safely, Hyunjin began the walk to Chan’s apartment. It was a bit of a walk, but Hyunjin needed the time to collect himself. It hadn’t settled in fully, a numb feeling all that was in his body. That piece of paper opened up a whole new future that he had thought to be gone.
The fact that Kim Jeosseob had paid at least in part for what he did somehow wasn’t even that important to Hyunjin. In the last weeks he had worked on closing that chapter. All this time he had thought he should forgive him. But through many, many talks with Seungmin he had realized that he never would. Nor did he want to. And while Hyunjin had been ashamed of admitting that for a long time, he was no longer.
He could decide not to want to forgive Kim Jeosseob. That was his choice. A choice he had now made.
None the less, he could close that chapter.
Now it was time to open the next one.
When he arrived at Chan’s apartment, everyone else was already there.
Chan opened the door with a smile, one that held the worry that had been present for a while now.
All of them had been worried for Hyunjin. It wasn’t a secret but there wasn’t anything that Hyunjin had been able to do about it.
He had tried to lie whenever they asked where he went when he had to leave early to meet with Mrs. Cheong. Of course, they had seen through his lies. And the constant secrecy had led them to worry.
Hyunjin was glad to know that would end today.
“How are you?” Chan asked, and there was even more worry in his voice than usual. It made Hyunjin wonder just what sort of expression he was wearing.
“I’m good”, he replied automatically. And for the first time in a long while he actually meant it. “I’m really good.”
Clearly, Chan was surprised but didn’t comment on it.
He led Hyunjin into the living room where a mixture of greetings were yelled at Hyunjin. Conversation flowed easily as Hyunjin sat down next to Changbin, not wanting to interrupt whatever they were talking about.
Though through the whole story, he felt eyes on him. Obviously, the others were even more worried by his silence. But he couldn’t bring himself to join the conversation when his thoughts were still only on the check in his pocket.
“Everything alright, Hyunjin?” Felix asked when there was a lull in the conversation.
It startled Hyunjin, even more so when he looked up to find them all looking at him.
“Yeah”, he pushed out. “Yeah.”
No one looked convinced. Perhaps this was the moment.
He stood from the couch, too agitated to keep on sitting, and stood in front of the couch where he could look at all of them, and they could all see him.
Chan wore the worse look of worry but all of them seemed to expect some form of bad news. Hyunjin couldn’t fault them for that.
“So, I know I’ve been a bit secretive recently.”
He should have used the time during his walk to think about what he would say. Right now, his thoughts were stumbling over each other, and he wasn’t sure where to begin; what to say.
Perhaps, showing them would be easier.
He pulled the crumbled piece of paper out of his pocket and unfolded it. Part of him expected to find it empty but no, there was still the same insane number of zeros written with Kim Jeosseob’s messy signature under it.
Not knowing what else to do, Hyunjin wordlessly held it out to Chan.
His hyung didn’t look any less worried though confusion had joined the mixture when he stood to grab the piece of paper out of Hyunjin’s hands.
With a frown he scanned what was written on it. A second passed. Then another.
And then Chan’s eyes widened in shock, his mouth falling open.
His eyes flickered up to meet Hyunjin’s, wide and unbelieving, before they went back to the number on the check.
“Hyunjin”, he started, slowly and lowly, “what is this?”
It had awoken the others’ curiosity, but Chan ignored all questions about what was written on the paper and none of them actually stood up, though Hyunjin saw them lean forward, only waiting for the okay to jump up.
“I sued Kim Jeosseob.”
“You did what?” That was Seungmin, staring at Hyunjin with shock plastered all over his face. Keeping it from him had been the hardest. They still lived together and obviously, Seungmin had noticed Hyunjin’s weird behavior. But Hyunjin had managed to dodge all questions up until now.
“I sued Kim Jeosseob”, Hyunjin repeated, “well, not actually sued. More like, threatened. But legally. With a lawyer.”
He was doing an awful job at explaining what had happened.
Having enough of waiting, Jisung was the first off the couch and by Chan’s side. He mirrored Chan’s exact reaction upon seeing the number.
After that, they all piled behind Chan to look at the small piece of paper.
And then suddenly, he was pulled in for a hug. It took him a moment but soon Hyunjin realized it to be Minho. Not necessarily the person he would have guessed first but it made him smile.
“I’m really happy for you, Hyunjin”, Minho said. It was weird, to hear him speak without the sarcasm that usually swung with his every word.
When he pulled back, he looked at Hyunjin with so much genuine proudness that Hyunjin felt overwhelmed.
“Do you know what you’re going to do with the money?”
Right. That was the whole point of announcing it like this.
He waited until Chan was looking at him, awaiting the answer just like everyone else. Only when he was able to meet his Hyung’s eyes, did he speak.
“I want you to have it. I want you to rebuild the Stray Kids Circus with it.”
For a long moment, Chan stared at Hyunjin. Long enough that Hyunjin started to feel slightly uncomfortable.
But then Chan shook his head, suddenly, vehemently.
“Absolutely not.”
That was not the reaction Hyunjin had expected.
“I will not take your money”, Chan continued, “this is yours.”
Hyunjin’s eyebrows furrowed. “Yes. I know that. And I’m choosing to give it to you to rebuild the circus.”
It was a pretty easy thing in his mind. He had not expected Chan to refuse the money, for him to try and get Hyunjin to take the check back. But Hyunjin didn’t take it, stepping back slightly.
“Hyunjin, this is your money. You should spend it on yourself.”
But he was, wasn’t he? If only he found the right words to make Chan understand that.
“I am”, he said. “Hyung, you have done so much for me. You’re the reason I can work in circus again. Without you, I would have never gotten back the joy I feel doing it. And now, I want to repay you with this.”
He gestured to the check that Chan still had a tight grip on, as if afraid he would lose it if Hyunjin didn’t take it back. But he was still shaking his head.
“You don’t have to repay me-“
“I know. But I want to.”
The rest of the group was quiet, silently watching the exchange. But from their expressions, Hyunjin couldn’t read what they were thinking. Most of them looked conflicted.
“Hyunjin, you should spend it on more treatment for your back. Maybe a special mattress, heating equipment, a specialist. Save some of it. Make yourself comfortable for once in your life and then look for a circus to join once you’ve rested for a while.”
Hyunjin couldn’t believe the words coming out of Chan’s words. He clearly had no idea what Hyunjin was feeling if he thought that to be attractive to Hyunjin. Nothing sounded worse to Hyunjin than what Chan had just suggested.
He didn’t try to keep the displeasure from his face.
“But Hyung, I don’t want to join a different circus. I want to join your circus.”
He turned to face the others.
“With all of you.”
His voice must have carried his honesty because when he turned back to Chan, some of the determination had left the director. Now, he looked almost a little sad.
“Hyunjin-“
“No, hyung.” Hyunjin was sick of Chan arguing with him. Five moths he had worked for this moment. And he wouldn’t have Chan ruin it because he was too selfless to take anything that was given to him. “You guys gave me a home. You made me want to be part of a circus again. This passion that you rekindled isn’t there when I think about going to a different circus. I want this. I want Stray Kids. And I want you to accept the money and use it to rebuild the circus. I want to show Jeosseob that he has lost. I want to live and train with all of you. And I want to perform in front of a crowd with my family.”
He heaved a breath, the words just so spilling from his mouth.
But Chan listened attentively, eyes slowly glazing over as tears gathered in them.
Somewhere in Hyunjin’s rant, his gaze had darted back to the check in his hands.
And when Hyunjn was done; when he had spilled his heart for Chan to finally believe him, Chan looked back up. A wavering smile curled his lips up. It was enough for Hyunjin to know.
“Okay.”
_________________________
The bright colourful lights shone brightly, engulfing the small tent in blanket of red and gold. Hyunjin stood on a platform a couple feet above the ground, still hidden by the darkness that was left by the lights.
He held the trapeze with one hand, readjusting his grip as he listened to Chan announcing the next act, talking to the crowd as he confidently strode around the arena, soaking up all the undivided attention he was getting.
Hyunjin made sure his grip was stable, before swinging his legs over the pole. Only with his right hand holding onto the metal construct next to him, did he prevent himself from swinging away.
In this familiar if uncomfortable position he waited for his cue.
Hanging upside down, he got a clear view of the crowd, laughing at Chan’s antics and clapping in anticipation.
As always, it were the children that were looking up. Hyunjin watched a small girl’s eyes grow wide as she spotted Hyunjin hanging from the ceiling. Hyunjin smiled, his show smile, that he knew to still be captivating the audience. And when he heard his cue, he smiled brightly at the girl, before letting go of the metal.
For a moment he was weightless, falling before going into a swinging motion and then claps of the audience roared around them as the whole circus tent was suddenly engulfed in light, he and Felix becoming visible to the audience.
Hyunjin rolled off the trapeze until he was hanging from it by his hands.
The lights came on just right for Hyunjin to see Felix as he jumped from his own platform hanging from his knees on an identical trapeze swinging towards Hyunjin, arms outstretched and a huge smile pulling on his lips.
Hyunjin leaped.