Chapter Text
Bilbo,
I have never had a way with words, and the ones I am about to reveal are long overdue, though my reluctance to make them tangible has given me plenty of time to ensure I put the right words in the correct order. Even if this is not destined to be read by any soul but my own, I am determined to give your memory every ounce of respect and admiration it deserves.
It is difficult to know where to begin, for my story started long before your own, and due to some horrible twist of fate, it shall long out live yours as well. In order to fully comprehend the depth of my love for you, I will have to start somewhere close to the beginning.
Before Smaug came, I was mostly content with my life, and despite my Grandfather's ailment, our family was a happy one. Before the dragon, I had never known what it was to truly lose someone. After the attack, it seemed as though I was powerless to stop my kin from being taken away from me.
You were told many stories as we travelled, so I won't go into detail, I doubt I could do them much justice. Needless to say, never again did I want to feel as I did then. So hopeless and broken, as if a piece of my heart had been torn away. The pain I felt as I held you atop Ravenhill was tantamount to all of those previous losses combined.
It was never meant to end this way, you were never meant to…
We didn't get off to the best start, I admit that, and extend my apologies, for all the good they will do now. Nor did I treat you well in the throes of sickness, what I did and said where monstrous things and for that I can never forgive myself. Somehow, you found it within yourself to do so.
It is astonishing, how one being can change another so much, you gave me everything I never knew I wanted. Needed.
More and more often I think of you and what could have been. There are days, long days, when I sit and dream of what life might be like if you were here with me. Perhaps the halls would seem less empty, or the echoes that drift through the air less sombre, or my heart less heavy.
The nights are longer still. They are cold and lonely and stretch endlessly before my heavy eyes. My arms long to reach out and touch you, to gather your body to my own and lay almost as one as we did during the latter days of the journey. Sometimes I think I can still feel your hands in my own and your breath on my skin.
I miss you.
I was lost for the longest time, both physically and spiritually. Since Erebor fell, I was restless to find a place I could call home. I always thought reclaiming the mountain would sate that. A strange thing happened, though. Long before our company reached the doors of our homeland, I felt content again. Each time I looked at you, that contentment grew until I felt a completeness I had never experienced before.
Had you asked me to follow you back to the Shire, I would have. Without a doubt, I would have followed you anywhere. But you have gone to a place I cannot, for now, you will have to wait. For how long, I can not say, but we will be reunited, and my heart will be restless until then.
Forever and wholly yours,
Thorin