Chapter Text
“Something happened,” Yaz barges into your room in the Tardis. You were just about to get ready for bed when your door was flung open.
“When we were at your house a few nights ago, right? When you went looking for the Doctor.”
She must have seen something on your face because suddenly she rushes in and closes the door. “I knew it! I knew something was off between you two.”
You turn to search for pyjamas in your dresser, refusing to let her see your face. Admittedly, she was right and you were slightly mortified that someone else had caught on to your weird behaviour.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” you murmured, unconvincingly.
Behind you, boots shuffle closer. Yaz speaks quieter now, “Hey, did something actually happen?” There’s understanding in her voice. Yaz always has your back but this time, you just can’t get the words out. So instead you say, “Nothing happened, Yaz.” And isn’t that the truth.
“Y/n, did the Doctor do something?” She stands a respectful distance away but you can tell she wants to move closer. “‘Cus if she did, you can trust me.”
You sigh in defeat. “Yaz, it’s not like that. She didn’t do anything.” She raises an eyebrow.
“Did you do something?”
You look up, startled, and then mentally chastise yourself for being so obvious. There’s a glimmer of understanding in her eyes and you can already see her thoughts running wild. You decide to rip the bandage off before she comes to false conclusions.
“I almost kissed her, okay?!” You say quickly and cross your arms anxiously. You watch as she processes your words. A smirk slowly spreads on her face. “Oh, my god, I knew there was something going on between you. Ryan and I have a bet going on. Guess I’m winning.”
Her self-satisfied smile melts almost immediately at your own expression. You feel sick and you’re certain it is showing on your face. She raises a hand to her mouth in horror, “Wait, did she reject you? Is that why you’ve been avoiding her?”
There are tears of frustration in your eyes. You had just begun to accept your growing feelings towards the Doctor and your friends have known all along. Worse, they’ve been discussing it behind your back? Did the Doctor know?
Yaz rushes closer to you and wraps a gentle hand around your arm. “Oh, y/n I’m so sorry. We didn’t- I had no idea. We thought you knew all along.” You shake your head miserably.
“Yaz,” your voice shakes. “I don’t know what to do. I didn’t even let myself think of her like that until that night and then I immediately rushed in and almost kissed her!” Yaz moves the hand on your arm to wrap you in a hug.
“So you almost kissed her.” She pulls back a bit to look you in the eye. “What happened after that?”
“She just kinda stood there in silence, staring at me intensely. I thought- Well, it felt like she was waiting for me to lean in so I did. But then I lost my nerve. She looked so, I don’t know, upset. I’ve been so afraid I made her uncomfortable and I don’t know how to talk to her about it. That’s why I’ve been avoiding her.”
Yaz slowly rubs her hands on your back and lets you rest your chin on her shoulder. You feel a little calmer now. And a little silly for not going to Yaz with your predicament first.
“Y/n, I think you need to talk to her. She wasn’t upset because you kissed her." Yaz leans back to look you purposely in the eye. "She was upset because you didn’t, I’m certain. I mean, you should have seen the look she gave you when you walked through the console this morning and barely said anything to her. She looked crushed.”
You sigh and pull back from the hug. "Thanks, Yaz. I'll think about it." She nods, expression still concerned. "Just don't say anything, okay? Not even to Ryan and Graham. I'm not-" you cross your arms tightly. "I'm not sure I'm ready right now."
Yaz nods, "I know what it's like to deal with feelings like that. I'm here for you." She laughs lightheartedly, "And if the Doctor breaks your heart, she'll have to deal with me!"
You give your friend a genuine smile, feeling better than you have all week. For a moment, you even feel a surge of confidence.
-
The next few days show improvement in your mood. You're no longer avoiding the Doctor and you're starting to feel like you can put the other night on the back burner.
The Doctor even seems relieved that the uncomfortable tension surrounding the two of you has disappeared. You can't tell if you're seeing things, but it seems like she's trying to catch your eye more than usual.
Tonight, the five of you are excitedly recounting the day's adventure over hot chocolate in the Tardis kitchen. You had left to shower before joining the fam in the kitchen, where mugs of hot chocolate are waiting on the counter. Ryan, Graham, and Yaz were already seated with their mugs at the modest dining table from an ambiguous era.
There are two mugs left and no Doctor in sight. You grab your favourite mug and smile fondly. Whoever prepared the hot chocolate knew to use the black mug with dozens of glowing stars on the side, creating a constellation seen only on the planet you bought it from.
“Oh! Thanks for the hot chocolate!” You slip into one of the seats at the table, already sipping your drink. After a day spent galavanting on some frozen planet, the hot drink warms you. You hum contently, “Wow, this is really good? Is this from that store in Arcadia?”
“Actually,” a voice says from behind. The Doctor swoops in and grabs the last mug. “They’re from a grocery store on Earth,” She smiles. “Although, the marshmallows are from Arcadia.” She leans against the counter, facing the rest of you.
The room goes quiet for a moment as the exhaustion from the day weighs down. You look over to Ryan and Graham, who seem to be fighting sleep, and Yaz, who gently sets her empty mug on the table. You lift your mug to drain the last bits of the chocolate powder that always collects at the bottom.
“Ha!” The Doctor’s sudden word startles all of you. When you look over, she’s pointing at your mug. “I knew that was your favourite mug. Didn’t I call it?”
You smile despite yourself. "You made the hot chocolate? Thanks. I think we all needed a good, warm beverage after today." Graham laughs as he rises. You watch as he collects the empty mugs and places them in the sink.
The Doctor feigns annoyance, but you can see the small smile on her face. "I thought I apologised for that!"
"I don't know, Doc," says Graham. "You gotta stop promising a beach vacation. This is the second time I've run around in a speedo." Ryan groans from across the room. He stands up quickly.
"If you're going to talk about your speedo again, I'm going to bed." Ryan stands quickly and bids everyone a goodnight before disappearing down the hall.
"Actually, I think I'm going to head to bed, too," Graham says and finishes tidying up. You leave the table to join him at the sink.
"I got this," you tell him and wave him off to bed. He only protests a little before he yawns eruptly. He nods in defeat and pads out of the kitchen.
The running faucet joins the Tardis' ever-present, familiar hum. Lately, you've found it difficult to fall asleep without the low rumbling of the Tardis engine. And right now, as you finish the last of the dishes, it's almost soothing to immerse yourself in the sounds of the ship.
Lost in thought, you jolt at the sound of someone placing a mug on the counter next to you. Suddenly, on your left is the Doctor. She smiles softly at you.
"Thanks for cleaning up, y/n," she says your name so softly. "but I can take over if you want to head to bed."
You shake your head. "I really don't mind, Doctor."
Wordlessly, the Doctor picks up a dry rag and begins drying the mugs you've just washed.
"How are you?" You speak softly, barely above a whisper, and not wanting to ruin the gentle atmosphere around you. The unspoken night from a few days ago lingers in your mind. She pauses and seems to consider you with a surprised expression. "I'm good. Better than good," she says, just as gently as before. "How are you? Tired?"
Your laugh comes out little more than a huff. "Yeah, I'm tired. Fine, though. The hot chocolate helped." You shoot her a sleepy smile that borders on goofy. It's been so hard to keep your feelings in around her, especially when you're as exhausted as you are.
The soft lighting of the Tardis lights the Doctor’s face and your breath catches. The sound of the sinking running and the engine humming become distant. She’s smiling at you, face brightening at your comment about the hot chocolate. Your own smile widens and your head feels a bit foggy. If only she'd lean in and-
Scrape
Behind you a dining room chair drags loudly across the floor. You flinch and look over to see Yaz standing up. Your face heats up with flustered embarrassment. She only gives you a smug smirk before looking over at the Doctor with a different expression, a knowing look.
"Heading to bed?" the Doctor asks. Something in her voice has changed but your head is still far too hazy to process it.
"Oh, yeah." Yaz says, really stretching out the word. You already know she's going to be a menace tomorrow. "Night y/n. Doctor. Have fun." She gives a final, satisfied grin and suddenly it's just you and the Doctor in the kitchen. Alone.
You can feel the heat radiating from how close the Doctor is still standing behind you. To Save yourself the embarrassment, you consider just leaving. Mumble and goodnight and be off to bed. The two of you will never speak of it again. Just like you never spoke about the last times.
But you really want to turn around and see her, standing in the pale kitchen light. Looking so domestic and real you can't stand it.
So you turn around.
She's standing closer than you remember and her face bears an openness you so rarely see. Her eyes are sparkling with light and you can still see the remains of her bright smile from earlier. However, something has shifted in her expression. A deep intensity you've never seen in her face before and suddenly you feel pinned on the spot.
"Uh," you say, smartly. "I think I'm going to-" Your words fade as you lose yourself in her eyes again.
She begins to speak and your heart feels like it's going to beat out your chest. "You're so brilliant." Her eyebrows tilt up as if she's in awe.
"Did'ya know that? So brilliant." Her voice is quiet, barely a whisper. "And you know what?"
You catch your breath for a moment and reply, "What?"
"I really want to kiss you."
Silence.
"You- What?" Your brain is going a thousand miles a minute. She couldn't have said what you thought she said?
Her face falls and your heart drops.
"Oh, I thought- The other night-" She flounders for a second and leans back. She places her hands in her coat pockets in a way you recognize as her nervous tick. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"
"Wait."
She freezes. Her face is a careful mask. You frown and think about how bright and open she was only seconds ago.
"I- You're serious?"
Her mask cracks, revealing heartbreak. "Yes, of course."
Everything clicks into place and your mind finally catches up to the situation. Surprising both the Doctor and yourself, you lean forward back into her space and brush your hand against her cheek. You hear her gasp. A smile creeps back onto your face. Equally goofy as it is loving.
Once again, the mood in the room shifts. The overhead lights seem to dim, leaving only the yellowish hues of the ambient Tardis that reflect like stars in her eyes.
"Can you ask me again?" You whisper, leaning in further. "I don't think I heard you right."
The Doctor’s face brightens with a blinding light as she moves closer. "I think I can do that, yeah."
The Doctor, your Doctor hovers close to your face. You can't seem to catch your breath but you find that you don't really care.
"Y/n, can I kiss you?"
"Yeah, I think you can."
Her eyes flick down to your lips and back up to look you in the eyes. No more time is wasted as she leans in and presses her lips against yours.
The hand still on her cheek gently cups the back of her head and you lean in further. Her own hands reach up to cup your face as you embrace.
The Doctor leans back first. "I just wanted to look at you again," she says as she rests her forehead on yours.
You let out a love-struck sigh. "Doctor?"
Her eyelids flutter when you say her name. "Hmm?"
You lean back in for a chaste kiss before speaking, "I should have kissed you that night."
"I wish that you had."
You laugh in disbelief. "I got nervous, you know. You're so- You're just so radiant."
She makes a surprised noise and kisses you again with more passion than before. Taken aback for only a second, you return the kiss with just as much enthusiasm. Burying your hand in her hair, you pull her closer. You briefly forgot where you were and stumbled back against the counter. This only encourages the Doctor to kiss you deeper.
The Doctor can't seem to keep her hands still. They stay pressed against your cheeks for only a moment before fluttering over your shoulders and then down to your waist. You feel her finger brush against the skin under the hem of your shirt and gasp into the kiss. In reaction, your grip on her hair tightens slightly, but you hear her groan.
A thrill shoots up your spine as you lean in closer and closer. You can feel the heat of her skin through her shirt when she presses her body against yours.
You lean back to look at her face: eyes hooded and face pink. You can hear yourself panting and you know your own face is just as heated. You want to lean back in and-
Your mouth breaks into a yawn. The Doctor stifles a laugh.
"I think it's time for bed, yeah?"
You nod, another yawn escaping. "Hmm, might be best." Reluctantly, you both break apart. You almost laugh at how adorably flustered she looks. Her hair is a mess and her lips are reddened. You just want to commit the sight to memory.
But annoyingly, you really do need to get some sleep.
"Doctor?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you-" You take a nervous breath. You just made out with her in her kitchen, why are you suddenly so nervous?
"Do you wanna come with me? To sleep?"
She grabs your hand in response and practically drags you out of the kitchen.
"Brilliant idea, y/n. See, I said that you were brilliant..." You have no idea what time it is now, but you can't bring yourself to care. You smile sleepily and listen to the Doctor quietly ramble on as the two of you make your way to your bedroom.