Chapter Text
The climb up from the data tower had felt like a dream. He had been so sure that he was dead. He felt like he was not alive, not completely. His rational brain told him that that was just the adrenaline, pushing him towards his goal, making sure that he could succeed without having to worry about the pain he should be feeling across his body.
Cassian felt unstoppable. His body was not his own; something had possessed him with strength that he couldn’t recognize. He could feel the blood drip from somewhere in his body, but he didn’t need to know from where.
He didn’t feel anything. He knew, beyond any common sense, that he would succeed, and none of it would matter. His legs shivering with the strain, his back screaming from the fall, his hands trembling with the repeated motion. None of it mattered.
His body simply did what it had done all these years - it climbed.
He could feel his resolve shaking when he hastily hit the button to the elevator, Kaytoo’s final words ringing in his ears like the Time Grappler’s gong.
There was no time to worry about the what-ifs, even if parts of his mind screamed at the doom that he’d signed his own recruits off to. All the work he’d done as The Fulcrum, all of these men, some of them barely teenagers - trusting him and Jyn to get it right.
Not survive, no. There was no hope for survival - not without Kaytoo, or Bodhi or Melshi…
Cassian could barely feel his heart tug painfully at that last name, wondering the when, the how, the what of it all. And yet, he kept climbing.
There seemed to be miles of walls to climb, and he felt quite delirious when he finally reached the elevator, barely noticing the buttons.
The man in white was pointing a gun at Jyn.
Cassian knew that he wouldn’t miss. Even with his fingers trembling against the trigger on his beloved blaster, he still knew that he wouldn’t miss. He barely noticed the rest of it all, his body finally deciding to give up on him.
Jyn had done it.
He could hear the data tower hum with the power of the plans that were being transmitted.
He could hear the shouts and screams of the battle that was still happening outside, Nemik’s voice speechifying with the clear confidence and audacity that only teenagers could gather.
Surprise from above is never as shocking as one from below, whispered Nemik’s ghost.
He hoped that Nemik was right, that someone survived. Someone listened. Someone tried .
He carried his faith with her, and his fear too. He voiced it to her, even as he felt life ebbing away from his limbs.
“Do you think anyone is listening? he wondered, almost curiously, with no thought to the consequence of the answer.
Jyn held his faith and his body.
He believed her when she said yes, and he believed her when she carried all of his weight against her. He wanted to help. He was a lot heavier than he looked and much taller than her - he should remember to make fun of her for that, later - but maybe something was possessing her too.
She had stood so close to him in the elevator - he could their breaths mingle, becoming one. He wondered if they’d somehow merged.
She carried him, trudging along to some unseen destination only she could see. He was getting clumsy - she had to keep propping him up, and he felt her grab his hips strongly as they finally collapsed on the white sands of the beach.
He gave her a few more words, not caring for once in his life if they were the right ones. She gave him a few of her own, too.
“I’m glad you came, Cassian.”
He believed her.
The blue and white of the sky were almost covered with the orange hue of doom. He could feel the heat erupting from the bomb, and he could feel her breaths falling on the side of his face. He could feel her hands wrap around his body.
The heat was barely noticeable. He could feel all the places she touched him. His hips, his knees, the back of his head where she thread her fingers through his hair. He wanted to scream at her to stop - it was agony. He wanted to never stop feeling her touch against his own body. It was never-ending.
He wondered, for a fleeting second, if this was all that he could feel for the rest of his life. Her hands don’t tremble against his back. Nothing hurt. He felt calm, and quiet as if they were two honeymooners lounging on the side of the beach in Niamos.
There they were, across the Galaxy. He felt like they were everywhere, and nowhere.
This was the Force, he thought for a mad second, apologizing to them for Its transgressions.
He didn’t mind. He let go of all thoughts of past missions and future worries. He let go of everything that he was holding against himself.
He wanted to tell her, my name is not really Cassian - I loved him and yet I disappointed him every day - I miss both my mothers - I think you and I were meant to be - I think the Force exists - I wish I knew you - I would have liked to share a bed with you - We could have lived, even for a few more seconds.
He had so much to tell her, and somehow, he knew that she heard him. They were mingled, they were one.
When Cassian died, he would feel utterly calm, serene, and ready. He was being held in her arms. They had succeeded. Victory would come. She was still breathing. Nothing else mattered.
x fin x