Chapter Text
When Komaeda called on Saturday night, Hinata didn’t pick up.
When he called again on Sunday night, Hinata still didn’t pick up.
He didn’t open any of the texts, he didn’t listen to any of the voicemails. He called in sick to work on Monday because he didn’t want to risk Komaeda ambushing him while he was at work, with no way to get away.
The guilt was eating him alive.
For weeks he had been wondering if perhaps he was crossing a line by being so accessible, by enjoying having Komaeda’s attention. He had known, had admitted to himself, that if the roles were reversed, he wouldn’t want his boyfriend talking with someone else the way he and Komaeda would talk. And yet he had done nothing to stop it, instead letting his selfishness carry him blissfully through life, letting himself entertain the idea of them being together. And then Komaeda had kissed him, and Hinata had liked it, and then hated himself in equal measure for being the person who had passively encouraged infidelity.
Kokichi wasn’t a bad person. Sure, Hinata could count the things he liked about him on one hand, using a single finger, but he wasn’t a bad person. And even if he were a bad person, no one deserves to be cheated on. Even if it was in a drunken haze, it didn’t matter. It had still happened, and it still was what it was. And Hinata had been a part of it, and he felt terrible.
He considered calling Chiaki and asking for her advice, but that would mean admitting that he hadn’t confronted the issue and told Komaeda off for it. His avoidance of communication with Komaeda meant that he had no idea if he remembered what had happened on Friday night at all, and part of him never wanted to find out.
But he could only hide out in his apartment, refusing to look at his phone, for so long. And when he skipped out on his Tuesday shift, he knew it was only a matter of time before Chiaki showed up at his door. And she didn’t disappoint. It was a little after three when he heard someone pounding on the front door with the frustration of someone who has been ignored by their best friend for four days, and has also just discovered that their key didn’t unlock the door like it used to.
“Hinata, I know you’re in there!” She didn’t sound pissed, but Hinata had a feeling she was masking it up to get him to open the door. “At least, you better be in there. And also alive. Because you could be dead and I would have no way of knowing because you haven’t spoken to me in four days. ”
Okay, there was the pissed off energy he knew she had locked away.
With a grumble, Hinata rolled off the side of his bed to stomp down the hallway. She must have heard him coming, because the pounding on the door ceased. He flipped the deadbolt that he had never used before this weekend, and tugged the door open.
Chiaki stood on the other side, arms folded across her chest, and a hideous scowl on her face.
“What the hell is wrong with you.” She pushed past him, scanning his living room with her hands on her hips, searching for whatever had made him lock himself away. “Where have you been.” None of the things she said were questions, and Hinata trailed behind her as she went down the hall to his bedroom, inspecting the unmade bed and messy floor. She turned to Hinata, who stood safely out of striking distance.
“Well?” She glared at him. “What’s your excuse?”
“Have you talked to…” he started, wondering if he had a way to find out how much she knew. She and Komaeda were close, and there was definitely a chance that he had sought her out when Hinata had refused to answer.
“Everyone?” Chiaki crossed her arms again. “Yes, I’ve talked to literally everyone. Maki was the first one to ask what was going on, by the way. Just thought you should know that she was concerned about you, which should tell you what level of ticked off I am.” It kind of did. If Maki had been bothered enough to ask Chiaki what was up… It actually kind of warmed his heart to know that Maki cared at all.
“Something…happened.” Hinata waited for Chiaki to react, but she didn’t. Instead she continued to stare him down, arms folded. “Something not too great.” She just kept looking at him, and he started to feel a bit silly that he hadn’t just confronted this whole mess earlier. He edged past her to get into his room, opening his closet and picking his phone off of the floor where he had dumped it to keep himself from looking at it.
“You better have the most insane story for me, or I swear to God.” She went to sit on his bed as Hinata powered his phone on. “For the first two days I just assumed you were taking a while to get back to me. And then when Monday came and you didn’t go to work I thought perhaps you were sick. But you still hadn’t answered my texts, and when I called and it immediately hung up…” She fell backwards onto the mattress, spreading her arms wide. “You have to communicate, Hinata. Now what the hell happened?”
Hinata’s phone was finally on, and he saw dozens of texts from Chiaki alone. A handful from his friends at Homebrew. A couple from his classmates in a group chat talking about one of their projects.
And four from Komaeda, one for each day since Friday.
“Have you talked to Komaeda?” Hinata asked, not looking up from his phone as he read through Chiaki’s text messages, scrolling through them as they got progressively more and more concerned.
“He dropped by on Monday night while I was working, but he didn’t stay long.” Chiaki sat up on her elbows, looking at him suspiciously. “Why?”
“Well…” Hinata tapped through the message from Himiko, Maki, and even Rantaro, which made him feel a sizeable spark of guilt. Rantaro wasn’t really the worrying kind.
“Did something happen when you went to get him?” Chiaki narrowed her eyes. “He seemed a little squirrely when I saw him, but that’s not unusual. He’s Komaeda. He’s always got a bit of nervous energy hovering around him.”
“Yeah, something happened.” Hinata took a deep breath and tapped his message thread with Komaeda.
Saturday night:
Komaeda: hey, you didn’t pick up! i guess you might be asleep, so we can talk tomorrow :)
Sunday night:
Komaeda: you okay? i kind of wanted to talk to you!
Monday morning:
Komaeda: are you…mad at me?
And then finally, Tuesday afternoon, an hour before Chiaki had shown up:
Komaeda: hinata, i feel stupid for putting myself out there again, but i would really like to hear your voice. i feel like it’s been forever since i talked to you and not just a few days. so please just…let me know when you have time, i guess.
Hinata’s heart clenched and he turned his phone off again. He flopped down on the bed next to Chiaki, and she looked down at him as he stared up at the ceiling.
“You have to give me something here, Hina,” she said, when it was clear Hinata wasn’t going to offer anything up. Hinata blew out a dramatic sigh.
“Komaeda kissed me. At his house. When I was dropping him off.”
“ What? ” Chiaki’s eyes widened, looking enormous and round and completely thrown off. At least she wasn’t angry anymore.
“He was absolutely fucking plastered.” Hinata had sort of been avoiding thinking about it all, because then he would remember that he had not wanted the kiss to end. And only evil people wanted to keep kissing someone else’s boyfriend. “I walked him to his door, he was being drunk, and then he kissed me.”
“But…he…” Chiaki dropped down from her elbows to lay next to him, their arms brushing. “What about…”
“Kokichi?” Hinata filled in. Chiaki nodded wordlessly. “I wondered the same thing. He wasn’t at the party, clearly, and Komaeda didn’t mention him at all. I’ve been avoiding him ever since.”
“Damn.” Chiaki whispered.
“You’re telling me.” Hinata covered his face with his hands, feeling like he wanted to scream or cry or do something equally cathartic. “We were becoming friends. Good friends! It was nice and I liked it and now it’s all gone to fucking hell because of this.”
“I doubt you guys can’t still be friends,” her voice had a chipper edge to it that Hinata knew meant she was forcing it. “He was drunk, it was a lapse in judgment, you can just sweep it under the rug and…”
“How am I supposed to sweep it under the rug?” Hinata groaned. “I don’t even know if he remembers it happened. And I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I feel guilty like I’m the one who cheated on somebody! Which I guess I kind of am, because I was part of it and clearly I encouraged it somehow by not being able to keep my feelings to myself. Ughhhh.” He rolled over so that he was facedown on the mattress. Chiaki patted him on the back.
“I don’t think you’re at fault for someone else kissing you. He’s the one in the relationship.”
“You’re being too nice.” Hinata’s voice was muffled by his comforter, and Chiaki kept patting his back. “I shouldn’t have been talking to him so much. I gave him the wrong idea.”
“It’s not really the wrong idea if it’s true, really.”
“Unhelpful, Chiaki.”
“Sorry.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes, Chiaki absent-mindedly rubbing soothing circles on Hinata’s back. Hinata tried to block out the constantly encroaching memory of Komaeda searching his face for something when they were standing on his front porch. It didn’t feel real. And it also all felt extraordinarily unfair. Because if Komaeda and Kokichi ended up breaking up because of this, Hinata didn’t think he would be able to try and be something with Komaeda without feeling like the world’s scummiest human being. Breaking two people up and then swooping in to take one half of the couple? No, Hinata did not want to be that kind of person. Komaeda had absolutely fucked everything up beyond repair.
“You’re doom-thinking. I can feel it.” Chiaki shoved him, and he finally rolled over.
“I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to talk to him if he knows, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to act if he doesn’t know. It’s not like he isn’t already aware that something is wrong, since I’ve been ignoring him ever since.”
“And he didn’t give any sign that he remembered? At all?” Chiaki looked around for Hinata’s phone, wanting to verify for herself. “Because honestly, if I were him, if I remembered, I wouldn’t be trying to pick up my regular routine immediately afterwards.”
“I guess that’s true.” Hinata pulled his phone out from underneath him and handed it to Chiaki, watching as she scrolled silently through his messages. “He doesn’t really seem to know, I guess. But he also could just be playing it cool to see if I’m going to bring it up first!”
“And would you?” Chiaki looked at him. Hinata shrugged, going back to staring at the ceiling.
“I don’t know. Maybe? I have no idea how to even start telling someone that they drunkenly cheated, especially without giving away my feelings. Because what would I do, pretend to be absolutely disgusted? Or just act weirdly casual? I don’t think I have the ability to act casual about anything, much less this.”
“Your poker face does leave a lot to be desired.”
“Exactly. It’s all just a big mess.” Hinata felt a bit better getting to talk about this, but it also was serving to highlight exactly how screwed up things had become. And maybe he was making a big deal out of it, and maybe he needed to just grow up and face his issues like an adult and not a drama-thirsty teenager, but it was all much easier said than done. Especially when the quiet, evil voice inside his head kept encouraging him to just roll with it all so that he could eventually have Komaeda all to himself.
“I think you should text him back, tell him you’re sorry you didn’t reply to him but that you were busy or sick…”
“You want me to lie?” Hinata raised an eyebrow. Chiaki shushed him.
“…and then say that you’ll see him for session on Thursday.” Chiaki passed his phone back to him, his thread with Komaeda open and waiting for him to send a message. “The longer you leave this, the more he’s going to spiral and freak out. And if he doesn’t remember what happened, it’s not really fair for him to be getting punished for something he doesn’t even know happened.”
“You’re right, you’re right,” Hinata grabbed the phone and stared at the screen. Nervous energy had his thumbs shaking as he typed out a quick reply.
Hinata: hi! sorry! i was super out of it over the weekend. sick, busy, whatever. sorry i didn’t get back to you, but i’ll see you thursday, right?
He hit send before he could rethink it, and Chiaki leaned over to peer over his arm.
“You used every excuse? That doesn’t seem very believable.”
“Have mercy on me, please. At least I replied at all.” The phone buzzed in Hinata’s hand and he jumped. Komaeda had replied almost instantaneously.
Komaeda: oh wow! i’m just glad you’re okay! yes, i’ll see you on thursday :)
“Why does he have to smile at me like that?” Hinata groaned, throwing his phone off the edge of the bed. Chiaki snorted out a laugh.
“It was an emoticon?” she giggled, kicking Hinata in his thigh as she twisted to face him. “It’s not real.”
“When I send emojis, I am making the face that goes with them. That’s what they’re there for! So he was smiling from wherever he was at!”
“Um, I don’t think everyone is that way,” Chiaki pulled her own phone out of her pocket, pulling up her thread with Maki and shoving it in Hinata’s face. Maki’s messages were surprisingly full of emojis. “You think Maki is making three blushing faces in a row, in real life, whenever she sends me texts about Jensen Ackles?”
“I don’t know, maybe!”
Chiaki sighed, and stuffed her phone back into her pocket before sitting up.
“It’s good you messaged him. And honestly, Hinata, I think that things will be okay. Whether he remembers or not, and whether you decide to tell him or not if he doesn’t remember. Either way, this isn’t going to matter in a year, so there’s no point in stressing yourself to death about it.”
“It might matter in a year, when Kokichi is still out for my blood,” Hinata mumbled. Chiaki gave him a side-eye.
“If you can’t take Kokichi in a fight, then even I will be forced to admit that you’re pathetic. The guy is almost a full foot shorter than you.” Chiaki got off of the bed and started picking dirty clothes up from the floor, bundling them in her arms and taking them to the laundry basket that was tucked behind Hinata’s closet door. “Now get up so we can clean up. I’m repulsed by the fact that you were living like this, even if it was only for a few days.”
Hinata reluctantly rolled off the side of the bed and started helping Chiaki clean, until she gently informed him that he should probably go and take a shower before they kept working together. By the time he got out, Chiaki had already loaded a laundry basket of clothes into the back of her own car, promising that she would wash them for him just this once, and he could pick them up when he got off work the next day.
“Which, by the way, you better be working, because Maki was concerned, but Himiko was about to lose it when she realised she had to make the breakfast sandwiches herself two days in a row.”
That brought a small smile to Hinata’s face, and he waved Chiaki off.
“I’ll be there tomorrow morning, as expected. Thanks for coming over.”
“I’m always here for you, you know that, right?” She looked a bit more serious than he felt the situation required, and it made him flush a bit from the unexpected tenderness. “Even if you think you’re being silly or that it’s not a big deal. I’m always on your side, okay?”
“Okay,” he replied, softly. Chiaki beamed at him, and went down the stairs to the parking lot. Hinata watched her leave, and for the millionth time since he had met her, knew that he absolutely did not deserve her.
“Two days.” Himiko grumbled, as Hinata slapped two slices of bacon onto an English muffin. “ Two days. That’s almost two hundred sandwiches.”
“Oh, it is not,” Hinata rolled his eyes as he added a slice of pepper jack to a bagel. “It’s maybe half of that. Even less, if you decided to just not do them, which I can tell is what happened, by the way. We’re completely out of the ham and cheese muffins.” He could feel Himiko glaring at him, but he didn’t turn around. Someone had to make the sandwiches, and obviously it was going to have to be him that did it. “I think it was good for you.”
Himiko let out a closed-mouth scream and stomped to the front of the store, and Hinata smiled to himself. All of her frustration, and yet he knew she was just happy that he was back. She hadn’t said so, and the one text she had sent had been very passive, but Hinata knew that she had been worried. If she had actually been mad, she wouldn’t speak to him at all.
Surprisingly, it felt good to be back at work. Like things were normal, and he had nothing to be stressed out about. He had been carefully keeping Komaeda out of his thoughts for most of the day, and so far it seemed to be working. There was still that trickle of dread when he thought about seeing him tomorrow at Pathfinder, and he was also a little afraid that Komaeda might show up during his shift today, but he was trying not to dwell on it. And if he did show up, having Himiko there as a buffer would be helpful.
“Hinata?” Himiko stuck her head back into the kitchen, looking surprisingly animated. “Someone to see you.”
Oh god. It was Komaeda, wasn’t it? Had he summoned him here just by thinking about him? Hinata wiped his hands nervously on his apron and crept out to the front of the shop, trying not to look like a guilty, philandering idiot.
“Hinata!” Rantaro was beaming at him from the other side of the counter, and Hinata slumped against the doorframe.
“Hey,” the adrenaline rush of relief had him feeling waves of tiredness and giddiness in quick succession. “What’s up?” He noticed Himiko glancing between the two of them with wide eyes, and he resisted the urge to tell her to go finish making the sandwiches for him. No wonder she had looked excited when she came to get him; she was probably expecting drama.
“I just wanted to come by and see how you were doing!” Now that Hinata had finally crested and conquered the mountain that was his feelings for Rantaro, he realised that he appreciated him in an entirely new way. The relentless positivity, the easy smiles and forgiveness… He wasn’t the deity that Hinata had worshipped anymore, but he was definitely still some kind of angel.
“I’m hanging in there,” Hinata replied, throwing Himiko an eye-roll. She rolled her eyes right back at him, but didn’t leave. “You?”
“About the same.” Rantaro was wearing a long-sleeved, black striped shirt that would have made anyone else look like they had just escaped a cartoon prison, but on him it just made him look cuddly. “I’ve finally decided where I wanted to go next, so I figured I should go around and say my goodbyes in advance.”
“Oh wow, that’s exciting.” Hinata leaned his elbows on the counter, testing. Before, being that close to Rantaro would have had him sweating bullets, the air around him crackling like he was about to be zapped by a bolt of lightning. But now, he felt nothing. Although Rantaro still smelled really nice. “Where are you going?”
“Iceland!” Rantaro’s expression immediately morphed from regular joy to a passionate exuberance. “It’s definitely not the best time of the year for it, but I had this dream last night about the sulfur springs and the difficulty of the language, and I woke up just knowing that that’s where I needed to be.”
“Well I’m excited for you!” Rantaro’s happiness was contagious, and Hinata felt himself smiling. “When do you leave?”
“I still have some stuff to take care of, and some promises to fulfill to my sisters,” Rantaro gave a little laugh at that, shaking his head. “But I’m hoping to be gone by this time next week. I haven’t bought tickets yet since I’m still working out the details, but you know.”
“And how long do you think you’re going to stay?”
“Immersion is the best way to learn, so I’m hoping for a month?” Rantaro bit his lip, tugging down one of his sleeves. “But a lot of that depends on how much work I get done before I leave. Travelling isn’t cheap.”
“Well good luck to you, then.” Hinata saw Himiko move from the corner of his eye, and when he looked over at her, she looked both bored and disappointed. Not the relationship blowup she was hoping for, apparently. “Try and swing by again before you leave?”
“I will. Definitely.” Rantaro tilted his head to the side, his expression suddenly serious. Hinata felt a bit self-conscious, and did his best to repress the urge to look away.
“What?” he finally said, unnerved. Rantaro smiled, softer than usual, but there was a flicker of sadness in it, and for a moment, Hinata thought that he wasn’t going to say anything at all.
“I hope you find happiness, Hinata,” was the quiet reply. Hinata swallowed the lump that had suddenly risen in his throat. “You’re a good person.”
“You too. On both counts.” When things between them had ended, Hinata had only really been freaked out by how astray he had been led by his own feelings. He hadn’t felt any sadness really, just a kind of pitiable self-loathing that had nothing to do with Rantaro at all. But standing here, with Rantaro looking just a bit forlorn, Hinata realised that he mourned what they could have been, and clearly Rantaro was thinking about it too.
He wondered, briefly, if they could have tried to force their way past how wrong they had felt together. It probably would’ve just led to more unhappiness than either of them should have to deal with, but the disappointment of things not turning out like they could have still sat there, uncomfortably heavy, in his chest.
“Well, I’ll see you around!” The sadness passed from Rantaro’s face, like a shadow disappearing under the light of the sun, as he gave Hinata a genuine, friendly smile. “You too, Himiko!” He gave her a wave.
“Bye, Rantaro,” she replied, looking a little chagrined, as she should have, for listening in to what had definitely been private.
“See you, Rantaro. I hope you have a good time.” Hinata smiled, and even though it felt bittersweet, he meant it.