Chapter Text
Within the first couple weeks of bringing Scarlett home, Nancy’s postpartum journey felt like she was just constantly going downhill, she hadn’t bathed in days, Scarlett’s hunger was insatiable and her crying was becoming nonstop, she was more tired than she could’ve ever imagined, yet she couldn’t sleep, her hormones were out of control and she found herself yelling at Jonathan, usually over the most minuscule things before breaking down in his arms, and apologizing profusely to him for letting her emotions get the best of her.
Every time she looked at herself in the mirror, she would cry, her face was still a little swollen from pushing, a few stretch marks ran along her abdomen, her hips had grown a little wider, she had dark circles under her eyes, showing the exhaustion she faced as a new mother, her breasts had grown at least a cup size, were incredibly tender and would constantly leak, and despite being sent home from the hospital with some pretty strong painkillers, she was still in an immense amount of pain doing anything.
Jonathan was patient with her, trying his best to support her through her low point, he took on most of the housework and diaper changes to let Nancy rest, and sang her praises everyday, telling her how much he loved her and that she was just as beautiful as the day he met her, if not more, and although something in her deep down knew he was telling the truth, another part of her didn’t want to believe it.
Nancy was having trouble bonding with Scarlett as well, she researched parents bonding with their newborns throughout her pregnancy, but none of the books she read covered how she was feeling, Jonathan was able to bond with Scarlett with ease, cuddling her, changing her diaper, reading stories to her, taking photos of her, where as for Nancy it seemed impossible, she tried everything she could, skin to skin (which sometimes worked), talking to her, playing with her, even nursing her, although Scarlett did have some trouble latching still, which sometimes lead to some painful sounding hiccups from Scarlett afterwards.
But it was all fruitless, everything Nancy did to try to bond with her daughter ended with tears from Scarlett. Nancy felt defeated, and as she sat in bed trying her best to soothe her daughter, the lack of sleep and overwhelmingness of the situation got to her and she finally broke, “I don’t know what you want,” she cried to the screaming infant in her arms as tears began to roll down her cheeks as well.
Jonathan heard their cries from down the hall, and as he entered the bedroom he saw the stress and exhaustion present in Nancy, and immediately took Scarlett from her arms and cradled her against his chest as she continued to wail.
Nancy buried her face in her hands as she continued to sob, “She hates me, Jonathan, she hates me.”
Jonathan knew she was having a hard time bonding with the baby, but Scarlett hating her? Impossible. “Nancy, what are you talking about? Scarlett loves you.” He stated,
Nancy shook her head, “No. She doesn’t, Jonathan, these past few days, all she’s done is cry, and no matter what I try, I can’t seem to get her to stop. I can’t do anything right with her, I’m a terrible mother!”
It broke Jonathan’s heart hearing her say that, she was a great mother, how could she think otherwise? But she clearly wasn’t going to listen to reason right now and needed some time alone. He took a deep breath, “Alright, I’m going to take her for a bit, let you rest, take a shower, whatever you need to do, just take some time for yourself. Okay? I love you.” He said planting a kiss on her cheek before leaving to try to console his daughter.
But as Jonathan left with Scarlett, Nancy didn’t do anything, she just sat in bed, staring ahead blankly, completely numb.
***
Scarlett’s newborn checkup was the next day, and was deemed, “perfectly healthy,” according to her pediatrician, but most of all, they finally got an answer to Scarlett’s frequent crying; colic. Nancy had read about colic, but thought it wouldn’t start until Scarlett was a little older,
“Infants are usually around 5-6 weeks old when it starts, but it can start as early as 2 weeks,” Dr. Stevens explained, “There aren’t any known causes to what causes colic, but skin to skin, swaddling, white noise, and nursing, can all help. She reassured, “How are you?” She enquired, checking in with the new parents,
“Nancy’s been having some trouble bonding with her lately. I think she’s just overwhelmed, neither of us have gotten much sleep in the past couple of weeks, Nancy especially since she’s been having trouble feeding Scarlett,” Jonathan replied,
“Any other symptoms? Mood swings? Sadness? Trouble sleeping?”
Nancy nodded meekly, fearing what the pediatrician might say next,
“When did this start?” She asked,
Nancy thought about it for a moment, “After we came home from the hospital,”
“Has it gotten any better?” Dr. Stevens added, making a few notes,
Nancy shook her head,
“Nancy, I think you may be experiencing postpartum depression.”
Nancy’s heart sunk, she’d read about PPD, but thought that how she felt was just run of the mill baby blues, but Dr. Stevens explained that trouble breastfeeding can contribute to it.
A lactation consultant then came in, introducing herself as Theresa to both Nancy and Jonathan, “Any other problems besides the latching?” She asked,
“She’ll usually get fussy and have really bad hiccups afterwards,” Nancy answered,
Theresa then showed Nancy a few techniques to get Scarlett to latch properly, explaining how once she latches properly, it should help her PPD and the hiccups as well, but as Scarlett latched on, Nancy winced in pain,
“Are you usually in pain when you feed her?” The lactation consultant asked,
Nancy nodded, she assumed the pain was just from the amount of times she had attempted to get Scarlett to latch properly, mixed with the surplus of milk she was now producing, but now she was second guessing everything.
“Breastfeeding may be uncomfortable but never painful, you’re probably beginning to develop an infection in your breasts, from the improper latching, and that’s why you’re in pain, so we’ll prescribe you some antibiotics to help with that, but, the good news is, she seems to be latching properly now, so in the future just try some of the techniques I’ve shown you, but if she’s still struggling to latch properly, I’d recommend switching her over to formula.”
Nancy felt like a failure, she felt she failed as a mother, not being able to do anything right for her daughter, and she felt she failed her family, now plaguing them with all her newfound problems, but there wasn’t much any of them could do in that moment and with a quiet ‘thank you,’ Jonathan buckled Scarlett back into her car seat and headed out with Nancy in tow.
Nancy was completely silent the entire ride home, even as they made it back inside the apartment, she said nothing, she just went straight to the bedroom. The entire day took a toll on all of them, Nancy especially, but even if she wouldn’t admit it, Jonathan knew Nancy needed him right now.
Scarlett’s nap time was approaching, but the car ride seemed to be enough to lull her to sleep, and after Jonathan carefully removed her from her car seat, he quietly placed her in her crib, gently placing a quiet kiss on her forehead before going to check on Nancy.
Nancy had the covers pulled over her, laying still, she was completely exhausted, as she felt him climb into bed with her, wrapping his arms around her, she quietly began sobbing.
Jonathan rubbed her back, consoling her, she eventually turned over to bury her face in his chest, embracing him as well, crying harder. Nancy had faced a lot of challenges throughout her life, motherhood being the most daunting of all, but he knew Nancy better than anyone, and although she was down now, he knew she would get back up stronger than ever.
“I’m sorry,” she croaked,
“You have nothing to be sorry for, Nancy,” he whispered as he gently kissed her forehead, “I know you’ve been struggling these past couple of weeks, but I’m here for you, I always will be. And today was especially hard with everything that we learned, and you’re feeling defeated from it all but, you’re such a great mom to our daughter, Nance, and even if you think you’re not, you’re trying and that’s what’s important. I love you so much.”
Nancy laid there in his arms, her eyes and nose red from crying, “I love you too,” she barely managed to get out with how raw her voice was, Jonathan smiled softly at her as they shared a kiss.
Ever since Scarlett was born, the two hadn’t really had time for each other, as the baby was now their main priority, and although Scarlett did bring them closer together, they’d be lying if they said they didn’t miss each other as well, but Scarlett’s cries then began emanating from the nursery, bringing them back to reality, Nancy tensed up, not wanting Jonathan to leave her side, “It’s okay, she’s probably hungry, I’ll be right back,” he reassured her.
“No. I can’t feed her, she’ll just get hiccups again, and my heart can’t take hearing them anymore.”
“Yes you can. You’ve done it today.” He reassured her, as he left to tend to his daughter.
As he brought Scarlett into the room, she was hesitant to take her for a second, but as Jonathan gave her their daughter to hold, Scarlett immediately began tugging at Nancy’s top, signalling to be fed, and as Nancy tried one of the techniques she learned earlier, she finally got Scarlett to latch properly.
“She did it!” Nancy gasped, as she began to smile at the small victory she’d made with her daughter, “Oh my god, she did it!” She cried as she began to cry tears of joy.
Her smile made Jonathan’s heart swell, he hadn’t seen her smile since coming home from the hospital, and as he saw her smile grow again as Scarlett didn’t hiccup once after nursing, he saw a side of Nancy he hadn’t seen in a long time, they were going to be okay.