Chapter Text
/// Wall Rose, 846 ///
For the next year of our lives, we lived in Trost District with Karina and her father. He had found us shortly after we were taken to a refugee shelter, and was so thrilled to see his daughter alive and well that he embraced her for five minutes straight, tears streaming down his face. Canaan and I stood awkwardly behind their reunion, still feeling the loss of our mother sharp in our chests. Being an orphan was strange. Liberating, but in all the wrong ways. The world felt large and scary without my mother, despite the fact that a third of it had been taken from us, but at least I had my big brother. At that moment, he slid his hand into mine and forced a smile onto his face. It was so obviously fake, but the knowledge that he was trying so hard to be strong for me affirmed that there were still people in the world who loved me.
Mr. Engel took us with happiness, though even if he hadn't wanted to, I think Karina would've forced him to. The four of us created a new family out of the fractured pieces of two others, and we seemed to create an unspoken agreement to never mention our loved ones who'd been robbed from us. Mr. Engel went to work (as his job now involved actually manning the walls) while Karina, Canaan, and I did the chores and kept the house orderly. Chores turned out to be more fun when you have a friend helping you. We giggled and dared each other to do stupid things, and talked about our bright shiny futures. We swore that once Karina and I had turned twelve, we would all join the military to avenge our mothers. It was a mantra we often repeated to one another in the dead of night, when one of us would start to cry into our pillow. We will join the military. We will kill titans. We will avenge our mothers. And then once the tears had dried we'd roll over and fall asleep. All of us had nightmares often. Mine were violent and vivid, but never any involving Sina. It was like she'd disappeared from my brain entirely. Like she'd forgotten about me. I would've come to think that the whole thing was in my head if I didn't still have those tortuous wings sticking out of my body. Fortunately, they were easy to hide under a loose shirt, but it was impossible for me to bathe when anyone else was awake. I could no longer sleep on my back. And I avoided hugs like the plague. It became common knowledge in our home that no one was to touch me. It was sad, as I did love embracing my brother and best friend, but I didn't want to tell anyone about what had happened. I was scared they'd think I was insane, or that Canaan would hate me, or that they'd laugh in my face. It was all mostly irrational, but better safe than sorry.
Instead of confiding in them, I often found myself talking to the one person that would understand. It happened when I paused as I washed the dishes, or found myself struggling to dry my wings after a bath, or when they'd ache after a long day of being tucked beneath my shirt. It happened without me even realizing I was doing it at first. Almost like a prayer, I would speak to the woman who had supposedly given birth to me -- asking her what I should do, craving her advice or guidance. It was cruel indeed that I had been left to my own devices, and while I could see how I hadn't left things on the best terms, I felt that if she were truly my mother, she would understand. I understood nothing, not even my own one-sided conversations with her. Could she hear me at all? Did she purposefully ignore me? I didn't know the answer. I went about my life, feeling lost as a lamb, not understanding who I was. Sometimes I would notice Karina and Canaan whispering to one another as they scrubbed laundry, shooting sneaky gazes towards me. I pretended not to notice. It made sense to me that they would worry amongst themselves, and I wasn't upset at them for it. Though there was clearly a gap between the three of us, none of us ever said anything of it, and we continued on through the year as though it didn't exist.
The year passed by and it became easier to deal with the knowledge that we would never again see our mothers. Canaan turned fourteen; I discovered that my hair and nails were growing faster than normal; which delighted Karina as she forced Canaan and I into doing braid trains. Karina turned thirteen; my green gloves started to fray at the finger tips; anytime we would have time to play together, I would always beat Canaan and Karina with my newfound remarkable speed. I turned twelve; we registered for the army together, said our goodbyes to Mr Engel, and shipped off to our training camp. I felt as though someone was watching me as we traveled, and something told me that Sina hadn't abandoned me after all, but was simply giving me space to deal with all that had happened in the past twelve months. The anniversary of our mothers' deaths, of the wall being destroyed, of our lives being uprooted -- it wasn't as difficult for us to deal with as we thought. We had supported one another through the pain, and now we were ready for the next phase of our lives.
We arrived at the camp, and as expected, there was no time lost with preparing us future soldiers for what was waiting ahead. Humanity had no time to spare, not with a third of our territory lost to the titans. We received our uniforms, dressed quickly, and fortified our minds for the very first day of training. The 104th cadets were lined up in dozens of rows, baking under the sun like potatoes. The sun was positioned almost directly overhead of us, and the heavy leather jackets that we were required to wear certainly didn't make the heat any easier to bear. I stood with my back straight and hands positioned in a salute, though they were itching to creep up and wipe the sweat away from my brow. There was no way in hell I was doing that, though. Instructor Shadis was making his way down each line of cadets, screaming in their faces for the slightest of mistakes, and I didn't want to deal with that on my first day. I tried to clear my throat and think of anything but the sweat tracing a path from my forehead down my nose. Canaan, who was beside me, seemed to notice, because he chuckled under his breath. I glared at him but didn't dare do anything more. Shadis was only two people away. I flinched and looked away as he screamed into the ears of a boy with a shaved head.
Two lines ahead of me, I could see Karina. Unlike literally everyone else around her whose faces were contorted in misery, Karina had a small smile on her face and appeared to be tilting her head side to side as she hummed, staring intently ahead of her at a small weed. The ridiculously tall boy beside her looked absolutely horrified by her behavior. I snickered at this, but my joy was short-lived. Only seconds later, Shadis stepped in front of me. He did not look pleased, but by now I had learned that was his default expression. His bald head glistened in the sun and his tan forehead creased with wrinkles as he frowned intently. He towered over me, casting me in his shadow, which I actually didn't mind as it was a small refuge from the sun. I was so tempted to look down at the sweat bead which had reached my upper lip, but I resisted, maintaining the horrifying eye contact with Shadis. He crossed his arms behind his back and glared at me.
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" he screamed directly into my face.
I flinched despite trying very hard not to. A few flecks of spit had flown into my face from the force of his yelling, and my hands were itching to wipe it away with the sweat. Instead I took a deep breath and cleared my throat.
"Y/n L/n, sir!" I attempted to yell as loud as he did, but I simply didn't have it in me, it seemed.
Shadis' left eyebrow twitched. I wondered if maybe his eyebrows were exhausted from constantly being in a frown.
"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE, L/N?"
I was almost scared to answer the question. Why was I there? To avenge my mother and kill titans, I thought. But what if that wasn't the right answer? Not just to Shadis' question, but to my own purpose. What if deep down, I was only doing this because I was meant to from birth, at least according to Sina. I took a deep breath.
"I want to join the Scout Regiment, sir, so that I can kill all the titans I can!"
My answer spurned a few snorts and murmurs from the students around me who heard, but most affected seemed to be Canaan. Though in the past year, I had the idea in my mind to join the Scouts, I had never before told him or Karina. I knew that they would try to dissaude me, and by the look on his face, I was right. His expression was a mix of furious and heartbreak, and I knew that he wanted so badly to scold me right then and there. Fortunately, the presence of Shadis stopped him, and I was suddenly grateful for the bald man.
I avoided eye contact with Canaan and instead focused my gaze on Shadis. I knew well that Shadis had been the previous Commander of the Scouts, as he had worked with my father, but he didn't seem at all impressed to hear my plans. For a moment, he even looked downcast, but it was so quick that I almost thought I imagined it.
"Oh really? Scout Regiment, eh?"
Shadis leaned closer to my face in what I assumed was an intimidation method. It worked.
"Well I got news for you, L/n. This training is about a lot more than killing titans. This is about discipline. Technique. Learning how to be a good soldier," he looked over me again with an impression that said he was unimpressed with what he saw. "FIFTH ROW, ABOUT FACE!"
I spun as quick as I could, still pressing my fist against my heart as Shadis turned his attention to Canaan. I could feel my face burning red from the shame, but at least it wouldn't be noticeable with the heat. It made me glad to be in the sweltering heat. I sighed and looked down at my feet. It had been pretty stupid of me to think I could come in on my first day and impress a seasoned soldier with empty promises and shouting. He'd probably seen a million recruits like me in his time -- young, idealistic, naive. My father may have been a Scout, but that didn't make me knowledgable about combat in any way. I would have to do my best and work hard to show him I was something more. In my head, I attempted to form a plan: skills, motivation, talent. These were the assets I would need to achieve my destiny and make everyone proud.
Later, after Shadis had finished drilling everyone, all the cadets gathered in the dining hall to fill our grumbling tummies. I was starving after standing out in the sun all day, and I couldn't imagine how hungry I would be once we got into the real hard work of training. Limping slightly on my sore feet, I collected my food and dragged my aching body over to a table where Karina and Canaan were already seated.
I dropped my tray on to the table, causing my potato to roll off it and knock into the edge of Canaan's.
"Oops," I said, sitting down and snatching it up quickly.
Canaan scowled at me, clearly not amused by the rolling properties of potatoes.
"Really, Y/n?"
"What?" I frowned in response as I took a tender bite from the potato. It was a little hard for my liking. "It's just a potato. Not gonna kill me if it touches the table."
"I don't think that's what he meant," Karina chimed in with a nervous smile. By the way she kept looking between us, I figured Canaan had fill her in on my wishes before I got there. She hadn't exactly been paying attention earlier.
"It's not," he said, shooting Karina some disturbing goo-goo eyes before returning to a glare reserved only for me.
I huffed and took another bite from my potato. I didn't understand why he was just dancing around it, but Canaan had always preferred passive aggression as a way of communicating.
"Well then what did you mean, oh dear bother of mine?"
He fixed me with a blank stare. He knew that I knew and was only being difficult.
"Scout? Since when."
Karina winced at the word scout, clearly showing where she stood on the subject. I rolled my eyes at them.
"Because it's the natural path to go down for what I want to achieve. I don't see anything wrong with it."
"Of course you don't. You never see anything wrong with anything you do!"
"Hey guys, let's maybe not worry about this right now," Karina said, gently trying to diffuse the growing situation.
I chose to ignore her. "If no one joins the Scouts because they're all too scared, how is humanity ever going to be free from the Titans? Someone has to be brave and do something about it."
Canaan snorted. "And that someone just has to be you? I mean come on, Y/n, do you actually think you're going to kill all the titans? Seriously."
"Yes!" I retorted. "Someone has to continue Dad's legacy! I don't understand why you can't just support me, I support your cowardly dreams of joining the Garrison! As though you can avenge Mom from there--"
"Hey guys--" Karina tried to say before being interrupted.
"Don't you realize that nothing we do can avenge Mom? Getting ourselves killed isn't going to bring her back! You're just going to go abandon us and get killed out there, just like Dad, and leave us behind!"
"I'm not leaving you--"
"How can you throw your life away?" He yelled, banging his fist on the table.
This finally silenced us. Karina's eyes darted between us, swimming with the beginnings of tears. Our arguments always seemed to hurt her worse than us, but this time, something had changed. I could only look open-mouthed at my brother, trying to process what he had just said to me. Even he looked taken aback by his words, because his mouth had settled into a grim line, his eyebrows tilted with remorse. Without a word, I snatched my potato and walked away from the table briskly. I heard Karina call after me, but Canaan said something over her, and neither came after me.
I was trying to hold back my tears when I felt a rough hand grip my wrist. Immediately my head whipped up, and I realized that a boy at a table I had walked by had grabbed onto me. I blinked at him in confusion. He stood out to me as the boy who had also yelled out his determination to defeat the Titans, though I couldn't recall his name for the life of me. He was a taller than me, and I tilted my head up to look at him. His eyes were a distinguishable green, and his tousled hair was a shade of brown that reminded me of chocolate. There was a deep crease between his brows that betrayed his heavy thoughts.
"Um," the boy said, releasing my wrist in exchange for sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. "Hey. I'm Eren, Yeager. I just wanted to tell you that I agree with you. About the Scouts, I mean."
I suddenly felt my face flush with heat as I realized that our argument must've been loud enough for everyone to hear. I glanced at his table partners -- a girl with lovely black hair and eyes, and a bobbed-haired blond boy. The girl's expression was one of the most neutral I'd ever seen in a person, while the boy appeared to be anxious, though at what, I wasn't sure.
Could you... hear us?" I asked, though the answer seemed plenty clear.
"Yes," answered the girl bluntly.
"It wasn't that bad!" The boy jumped in to assure me.
Eren shot me an awkward smile. "Would you like to sit with us?"
I almost denied the offer out of reflex, but then I glanced down at my hand where I still held the potato. It was hot enough that my palm was tinged red, though I hadn't noticed earlier in my distress. I responded with a smile and gentle nod, then lowered myself onto the bench beside Eren, across from the blond boy. Our eyes met, and I suddenly felt as though I'd seen him before. I squinted my eyes, trying to figure out where from, but it seemed that he beat me to the punch.
"It's you!" he cried in excitement with a broad smile.
Not wanting to embarrass him, I only responded by smiling back. Eren and the girl looked between us, apparently confused.
"Do you guys know each other?"
I cringed, hoping I wouldn't have to answer, but fortunately for me, the boy seemed so excited that he answered all on his own.
"She's the one who helped me on that day," he explained. "Remember, when you guys ran after the bullies but they were already gone."
"Oh yeah!" Eren yelled. "Your mysterious savior. Man, he wouldn't shut up about you, always going on about- Ow, Mikasa!"
The dark-haired girl shot him a warning look, but I didn't pay much attention. It was all clicking in my mind now, the terrified boy who I had helped on the day that I lost my mother. I had been so embarrassed by my actions that I ran off before we could talk, and had tried to forget the entire encounter. But now, sitting across from the clearly kind boy and his huge blue eyes, I wondered how I could have left him sitting in the dirt.
"Do you remember me?" his asked, face flushed slightly. "I-it's completely understandable if you don't!"
I remembered him now, but what was his name? Something with an A... Arthur? Ar...
"Armin!" I smiled, happy that I remembered on my own.
He seemed dumbfounded at my recollection, and his face flushed deeper.
"I didn't realize you knew my name. You ran off before we could be introduced."
"The bullies said it, I remember," I thought more about that day. "Nice name."
"What's yours?" Eren said, barging in to the conversation.
I blinked slowly. "Uh. I'm Y/n. Y/n L/n."
"I see. Well, I'm Eren, you know Armin, and this is Mikasa," he finished, gesturing to the quiet girl.
I made eye contact with her, but felt intimidated by her intense stare. She was certainly beautiful, but also had the posturing of a person with maturity beyond her years. She smiled softly at me, and I smiled back without even thinking about it. I was happy to have met this trio, who seemed to be kind and understanding people. If I spent the next three years of my life with only Canaan and Karina for company, I may just jump into a Titan's mouth at the earliest opportunity, especially with the way he had acted today.
"So you want to join the Scouts?" I asked Eren.
He grinned at me so wide I could practically see all his teeth. "Yeah! I'm going to kill all the stupid Titans!"
"No," I said, raising an eyebrow. "You can't."
"Why the hell not?" he seemed confused.
"Because I'm going to do that. It's my destiny."
Eren's nostrils flared. "Who the hell says?"
I blinked in realization, not having a good response for that. It wasn't like I could just tell him that I was the daughter of a goddess who'd said so.
"Says me," I finally answered. I stood, trying to make my point even further. "I mean, after all, your destiny is only what you make out of life, right? So all I have to do is work hard, join the Scouts, and I'm guaranteed to succeed!"
Eren looked a little caught off guard and stood up as well, apparently not one to let me outdo him. "Well who's to say I won't do all that before you?"
"I don't know," I shrugged. "I guess we'll see who wants it more."
Eren seemed to enjoy the light-hearted competition, because he ignored Mikasa telling him to sit down and eat his food, and instead whipped one of his arms up. To do what, I wasn't sure, but despite what he intended to do, what he actually ended up doing was knocking over a passing boy's plate of food.
The boy seemed irate, understandably so. The food that had previously been on the tray was now spilt all over his clothes, and somehow even hos hair. He shook potato mush out of his two-toned hair and wiped it off his jacket, then scowled down at us.
"Watch where you're going, Suicidal Bastard."
"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" Eren responded in a high pitch. "You ran into me, anyway!"
"If you weren't waving your arms all around like some useless buffoon, I wouldn't be covered in food right now!"
I was tired of hearing arguments by that point, and so I attempted to be the Karina of this situation. "Hey man, you were the one who knocked into him. So how about you both apologize and we go on with our night?"
This was apparently the wrong thing to say, because it only offended the boy more. He sneered in response.
"Listen, I don't need some future little appetizer telling me what to do."
I was so shocked by his retort that I was only able to stand there with an open-mouth.
"Well, well -- that's a very rude thing to say!"
The boys were now ignoring me in favor of arguing with one another. I glanced helplessly at Mikasa and Armin, but Armin had his hand stamped to his forehead, and Mikasa was watching carefully with narrowed eyes. I was clearly not equipped to be a mediator, and I didn't want a repeat of what happened when I defended Armin, so I only sat back on the bench with a sigh.
As the boys continued to hurl insults at one another, a huge crowd gathered around us, making me shrink back. I hated crowds, ever since we had to fight through throngs of desperate people to board the boat to Wall Rose. The feeling of other bodies pressing against mine and behaving restlessly made my breath shorten. I lost sight of everyone except Jean and Eren, who were still yelling right beside me. And then out of nowhere, I felt a small, soft hand grasp mine. I turned and saw Mikasa, who tugged me gently out of the circle.
"Come on," she whispered to me. "Let's go to our cabin."
I didn't protest and let her drag me out of the cafeteria. No surprise at all, Shadis was storming up to the building with his usual frown painted on his face, looking really pissed.
"You two!" He yelled upon seeing us. "What's going on in there?"
"A fight, sir," Mikasa answered.
My mouth dropped open in disbelief. Now that she had told Shadis, there was no way Eren and that other jerk would evade punishment. Maybe not that they would've if Mikasa hadn't said anything, but still. It wasn't what I expected from her. Shadis nodded in response to her, but still seemed suspicious of us.
"And where are you two going?"
"To bed, sir," she answered again.
Shadis didn't bother replying and just marched inside, still fuming.
Mikasa gripped my hand tighter and pulled me along the way to our cabin.
"Mikasa!" I whispered to her, despite no one being around to hear us as we marched along in the cool night air. "Now Eren is going to get into trouble!"
Mikasa shrugged. "Well, they shouldn't be fighting in the first place. Maybe they'll learn their lesson."
I sighed heavily, but I didn't bother arguing with her since the cabin was now in view, and she had a pretty good point.
"Well, whatever. I'm tired, so let's just go inside."
When we went in, I was surprised to see someone already inside- a girl with blonde hair, wearing a white hoodie and pajama pants. She was laying on her bed, flipping through a thick book.
Immediately the awkwardness multiplied by five. I walked over to my own bunk, which was one on top. It was pretty cool and all, since it was by a window, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't worried about rolling off in the middle of the night and falling. Plus I didn't have a good track record when it came to waking up close to a ceiling.
Mikasa slid onto the bunk below mine and started to change into her pajamas. I quickly followed suit, then threw my clothing on the ground and collapsed on the bed.
The blonde girl glared up at me with icy blue eyes as my shoe fell beside her bed with a rather loud clunk. I cringed.
"Oops," I said, climbing back down to retrieve it. I felt awkward, kneeling down beside her bed. "Um, hi. That's Mikasa-" I gestured at her. "And I'm-"
"Y/n," she finished, staring again as she slammed her book closed and set it down at her side. "The one who wants to join the Scouts and kill all the titans."
I blinked. "How did you know that?"
She shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm more observant than you think. I'm Annie Leonhart."
I smiled. "Nice to meet you."
I tossed my shoe in a pile with my clothes and the other shoe, then climbed back up to my bed. "So what regiment do you want to join, Annie?"
She glanced up at me while burrowing under her covers. "Military Police." Her voice, flat and disinterested, clearly indicated that she wasn't interested in anymore get-to-know-you questions.
I frowned. "Oh. Okay." I pushed back my blankets and climbed into my bed. It was surprisingly warm, but not comfy at all, which was to be expected. Soldiers aren't made from plush beds, I supposed.
"What about you, Mikasa?"
I couldn't see her seeing as she was below me, but she sounded surprised to hear my question. "Oh. I don't know. I guess whatever regiment Eren joins."
I resisted the urge to roll over and stare down at her, causing her to question her life choices, but instead I just coughed.
"Um, okay."
There was a heaving sigh from Mikasa, and the creaking sound of springs that could only mean that she had turned over. "I know it sounds strange, but I have to protect him. He would never survive without me. He and his family took me in when I had nothing, so I can never leave him."
I nodded. That made a little more sense. After the past year, I felt the same indebt to Mr Engel for having cared for Canaan and I. "I understand."
I stared at the ceiling, thinking deeply. Mikasa was willing to follow Eren anywhere, even the Scout Regiment, just because she loved him and wanted to protect him. Yet my own brother didn't understand me and refused to see things from my perspective. He just called me an idiot and went on with life. I wished that one day someone would care for me enough to follow me into the jaws of death.
I sighed and nestled into my blankets. I could hear the loud shouts and footsteps of other cadets, which meant that soon the cabin would be full of snoring.
"Goodnight," I whispered. Maybe tomorrow Canaan would see sense. At least, I hoped...
13.3 pages
4907 words