Chapter Text
Nick thought he was a presentable fella, or kind of anyway. He showered everyday, had his hair cut every few weeks, kept his Vans clean, and wore his trusty (and expensive, god damn) Tom Ford aftershave that his mum bought him a few years ago for Christmas and he fell in love with ever since.
However, it’s in this particular moment, sat in front of Charlie, his gorgeous Tesco banana man in a McDonald's booth, a man who also happens to work at said McDonalds, and who also happens to be sobbing right now … that he regrets every single aesthetic choice he made when he left his fucking apartment this morning. Panic flies across his face. His hair is fluffy and stuck up, he is wearing his trusty joggers that date all way back to his last year of Truham (that most definitely don’t have holes in the crotch area now… close your legs Nelson, nobody needs to see that) and despite having a shower earlier the smell of alcohol is still definitely seeping out of his pores. Charlie however, through the sobs, looks at Nick like he has just hung the stars. The panic rising in Nick's chest starts to settle as he inhales deeply, whilst the little Nick in his brain is currently sculpting together a new core memory of the face in front of him. God he is magnificent, Nick thinks. It’s been 5 seconds since he sat down at the table with Charlie, and he’s already planning the dishwasher rota for their house together (Mental note: Nelson you seriously need to get a fucking grip).
“I’m really sorry for all of this…” Charlie says meekly, twiddling his thumbs, staring at the table in front of him.
“It’s fine, honestly. I just…” Nick struggles to find the words, so instead he slides his hand forward on the table, his ring finger a mere millimetre away from Charlie’s hand and telepathically sends Charlie a signal to look at him. As if hearing the signal loud and clear, Charlie looks up to meet Nick’s eyes, whilst moving his own finger the tiniest amount to graze Nick’s fingertip. An instant current of high voltage electricity transmits through Nick’s veins. This is a new feeling… he has never felt this much before, especially from a fingertip from a STRANGER. What in the fuckety fuck is happening??? *insert gif of Kermit flailing*.
Before he even has a chance to recover from Nick.exe, Charlie retracts his hand at the speed of light, rapidly twisting his head to look back at the kitchen area. Nick's face must have been a picture, because it went from panicked, to in love, (Nick, please) to overwhelmed, to complete and utter rejection… closely followed by total confusion as he spots what Charlie is looking at.
A man, in a different uniform to the other staff members, is staring down at Charlie with what he can only describe as a predatory look on his face. Nick finds it extremely unsettling. He doesn’t like the implication from that look, nor what consequences might follow. He notices the rapid breathing now radiating out of Charlie, alongside the panic in his eyes, a feeling that Nick knows only too well by this point.
“I can't do this,” Charlie manages through heavy breaths. He attempts to stand up, and Nick mirrors his action, reaching out his hand in a manner that he hopes will bring reassurance to the other man.
“Wait, please, it’s going to be okay.”
“IT’S NOT!” Charlie snaps. Nick sits down immediately after feeling like he’s just been told off by his old high school teacher. At this point, Nick feels he wants to yeet himself into oblivion to avoid the look that Charlie is giving him right now.
“I need to get out of here.”
“Okay I’ll go with you then,” Nick doesn’t know why he is basically throwing himself at Charlie right now. He knows that he hasn’t had any form of relationship with anybody in what feels like years, but this feels different… as if there is a literal magnet drawing him to Charlie.
Charlie looks at Nick, with huge wide eyes, unsure of why his gorgeous Tesco celery man would still show him any form of compassion after he basically shouted at him only 3 seconds prior. The tension in his face starts to melt and he extends a hand out towards Nick.
Of course, this is the exact moment that Nick's inner stomach lining decides to make a reappearance. Not quite having time to throw his hand over his mouth, Nick projectile vomits all over the floor of the McDonalds. If the world didn’t hate him before, he was almost certain it did right now. The inside of Nick’s brain currently looking like the gif of a dozen Spongebob's running around burning paperwork.
WHY, WHY, WHY, Nick thinks. WAS I A MURDERER IN A PAST LIFE TO DESERVE THIS?
Charlie just stares at Nick with a blank expression. Then, in an extremely surprising turn of events, he bursts out laughing. Clutching his sides, tears streaming down his face, Charlie turns back to Nick, who is still absolutely mortified at this point. “I'm so sorry, I'm not sure where that came from, are you okay?” Nick clears his throat, his cheeks flushed the colour of a beetroot. “Uh, I should probably be saying that to you… I’m so sorry, I had a few too many drinks last night. I actually came to Maccies this morning to get a hangover McMuffin, but I didn't realise I had anything left to chuck up.”
“Well, you’ve definitely done a 180 on my mood, that's for sure. I’m really sorry that your vomit was the thing that did it but-”
“You say sorry a lot don’t you?”
“I’ve never really thought about it, but I suppose I do.”
“Well no s-word around me, okay? It looks like you do enough of that around here,” Nick states, as he looks past Charlie to the man behind the counter, who is still staring down at Charlie like a piece of meat.
Charlie is staring up at Nick like he just fell in love, only Nick believes he must be misinterpreting the look considering his current state. Surely the way he looks right now is only one that a Mother could love. He still can’t believe that he came out in the grey joggers that he’s had since high school, his banana man must think he belongs under a bridge sleeping in a shopping trolley (15th mental note of the day: Fuck me, get some new joggers.)
Nick slowly meets Charlie’s eyes, and is mesmerised by what he sees. Their colour is that of a glittery ocean, swirled in a river of teal, and finished off with a sparkle that could blind someone with 20/20 vision if they stared hard enough. Charlie is still looking into Nick's eyes, and Nick feels like he is peering into his soul. Oh shit, Nick thinks, I hope he can’t see the gifs floating around my brain.
They only break apart when they hear footsteps approach them. It’s the predator man from behind the counter, and he’s STILL staring at Charlie. There is a literal pile of vomit on the floor beside them, yet this man can’t bring his nauseating gaze away from Nick’s beautiful banana man.
“Charlie, I need you back on the drive-thru immediately. You can’t just get off when you feel like it to sit down with a-” the predator man looks at Nick with a face that could kill puppies, “stranger.”
Nick is just about to jump to Charlie’s defence, despite not having a fucking clue what’s going on yet, but is cut off by another cat like noise coming from Charlie. The hiss that escapes the man next to him could rival literal black cats. If Nick can’t escape the golden retriever accusations, he has a funny feeling that Charlie can't escape the black cat accusations either. Nick is momentarily taken to an image of a beautiful, slender, raven coloured cat, curled up into a large fluffy golden retriever. He smiles at the image he’s just created. He needs to get back into reading smut to stave off these thirsty visions, Christ.
“He isn’t a stranger actually, his name is Nick, and we’re going on a date.”
Nick, absolutely sent west by this declaration, blinks rapidly before saying, “Yes, I'm waiting for his shift to finish and then we’re off out.” Nick takes a step towards Charlie so they’re stood side by side, and extends his arm so that it’s draped over Charlie’s back and lands on his shoulder. He squeezes down and feels Charlie sag into his side ever so slightly. The other man, now finally acknowledging the pile of bile on the floor, looks back and forth between Nick, Charlie, and the vomit. His expression lands somewhere between fury, jealousy(?), voraciousness, and ferocity (some big words there Nick, well done, bet you didn’t need to use synonyms or anything for those.)
“So back the fuck off Ben.”
Ah, the creature is named Ben. Nick thinks. (Inner flashback to that one evening where Nick was on a seemingly endless loop of internet spiralling, starting off with googling why fruit have seeds, ending up on a Buzzfeed article explaining why guys called Ben are all arseholes.) For god sake Charlie, clearly YOU didn’t read that article.
“Moved on quickly I see, have we? Didn’t think you were like that Charlie.”
Charlie is clearly taken aback by this comment, his eyes as wide as an owl on crack, as he’s momentarily rendered speechless. Ben clicks his fingers at Charlie, and points back towards the counter, signalling him to return back to his station.
“AREYOUFORFUCKINGREAL?!”
Every single person in this tiny McDonalds turns their head to look at Charlie, who is now standing, fists at either side of his thighs, with steam coming out of his ears. There is even one member of the kitchen crew, right at the back near the grills, that pops his head around the corner to get a glimpse of the outburst. Nick straightens his spine and reaches out to graze Charlie’s hand… not wanting to outright grab it, but wanting Charlie to know that he is there with him. Charlie feels the warmth radiating from Nick and grabs his hand, interlocking it with his own, but still staring Ben down.
Nick is kind of starting to clock on what's happening here, and anger is starting to bubble in his chest. How could anybody not want divine, delicious, ravishing, as pretty as a picture, Charlie? Unless he was a murderer on the side, Nick couldn’t see any reason to treat this beautiful creature so cruelly (16th mental note of the day: Send Ben an insult potato in the post, or bare minimum, a glitter bomb.)
Ben looks like he is just about let out a tirade of abuse, when all of a sudden - and at first Nick thinks he’s seeing a mirage because of how hungry he is - almost in slow motion, a double sausage and egg McMuffin slaps off the side of Ben’s cheek, leaving grease and cheese remains in his eyelashes and nostrils.
“OI DICKHEAD,” comes a voice from the kitchen area. Nick scans around, until he finds the owner of the voice, the flicky haired man from earlier who covered Charlie on the Drive-Thru.
“Tao,” Charlie whispers, staring at the remains of the McMuffin on the floor. God, Nick is starving, he is actually devastated at the loss of a poor McMuffin. He stares at it longingly, picturing a little McMuffin in a coffin, with a bunch of animated hash browns quietly weeping. Another loud voice snaps him back to reality, and he quickly realises that all hell is about to break loose.
“You have GOT to be fucking joking haven’t you? You think you can just waltz back in here like nothing has happened? You can’t do what you did and then treat Charlie like HE is the problem here!!!” Tao bites.
By now the rest of the diners in the McDonalds are well and truly engrossed in the scene, even the Uber Eats drivers have taken a seat.
“Tao, I’d appreciate it if you went back to the Drive-Thru and we can discuss this in the office later,” Ben says calmly, whilst wiping cheese from his face with his sleeve. “Charlie, back to work.”
“If you think I’m going back to work now after this you’re sorely mistaken Ben, you and Candace can go and fuck yourselves.” Candace? Nick thinks, who the fuck is called Candace these days?
“Charlie. First and foremost, I'm your manager, so despite whatever you believe I've done, you can get back to work NOW.”
“What I think you’ve done? Do you mean the videos I have on my phone that I was sent yesterday of you banging Candace over the office desk? You know, when you picked up those night shifts a few weeks ago, I thought you were trying to save some extra money for my birthday trip, not to get your dick wet with the night shift staff you PRICK!”
Comically, the diners in the McDonald's all gasped, followed by a low “Oooo.” Ben was well and truly flummoxed now, not even a smarmy remark.
Charlie clears his throat, turns to Tao behind the counter, and calmly asks “Tao, please can you bag me and Nick up some McMuffins, hash browns, and a few bottles of Orange Juice please, we’ll be leaving now.” Charlie is still holding Nick’s hand tight, squeezing it firmly as if his life depended on it. Tao nods, snags the items, and passes them over to Charlie, alongside his backpack.
“Thank you very much kind Sir, now if you wouldn’t mind clocking me out at 5pm that would be fantastic, but for now I’m heading out on a date with the most handsome man I’ve ever laid my eyes on in my life, and a bunch of McMuffins.”
Oh and also, clean-up on aisle 3 please,” Charlie points at Ben and then the discarded McMuffin and the pile of vomit on the floor.
As Charlie is dragging Nick out of the front door, the entire diner erupts into a loud round of applause, leaving Nick well and truly convinced that the team of MTVs Punk’d is about to burst out of the toilets, with Ashton Kutcher diving up from under the counter.
Charlie stops in his tracks as he realises the scenario that just unfolded, and crumples into Nick’s arms as soon as they are out of eyesight from the diners. He lets out a few sobs, and Nick can’t help but feel totally overwhelmed by the situation, and sobs too. Charlie tenses, pulling out of Nick’s grasp, and looks up at his Celery man in front of him.
“Wait, why are you crying?”
Nick sniffs, “I just… seeing you sad makes me sad.”
“That, and I'm also seriously hungover.”
Charlie laughs into Nick’s chest. “So how about that date then huh?”
“Oh, we don’t really have to go on a date if you don’t want to… I just…” Charlie replies.
“No, I really want to. God Charlie I've been going to Tesco every single Sunday at the exact same time for weeks now, just so I can see you for 10 seconds. Did you know that I don’t even like Tesco? They don’t have the flavour of Philadelphia cheese I like, like who the fuck doesn’t stock the chocolate flavoured one you know?! It’s ridiculous!”
“Did you just say chocolate flavoured Philadelphia? That is a CRIME!”
“Did you just disrespect the chocolate flavoured Philadelphia in front of me? Well then, I see how it is… I’ll just take my McMuffin and fuck off then shall I?” Nick teases.
“No no no, don’t go, please. Whilst I do genuinely shop in Tesco, I find it incredibly endearing that you only shop there for me… as I also make sure I’m there at that specific time to see you too. I just didn’t know if you were queer, and I was also in a relationship at the time… well, clearly not a loyal one, I just didn’t know that then.”
Nick grimaces, he doesn’t want to think about anyone doing that to Charlie.
“Come on, how about we head back to my flat and we’ll eat our McMuffins and maybe watch a film?”
“Nick, are you asking me back to your flat for a Netflix & Chill?!” Charlie giggles, putting his hand over his mouth.
“ARGH NO!” Nick blushes furiously.
“I just thought it would be nice to get to know one another better in comfort. Plus, I literally have vomit on my t-shirt and I need to shower again.” Charlie’s ears prick up when Nick mentions having a shower. Interesting, Nick thinks.
“Can we watch The Girl Next Door?”
“Timothy Olyphant being a total hunk on my screen? Absolutely, one ticket please!”
“Hmm, I much prefer Emile Hirsch, he’s a little thirsty and he panics, plus he is super cute… I love the idea of falling in love with the boy next door…” Charlie stares up into Nick's eyes again. Yep, he is in danger, Nick is in danger.
“Well… Timothy Olyphant is tall, lean, has dimples, and if he grew his hair out it would 100% be curly”. At this point, Nick is just reeling off Charlie’s features, he doesn’t even know if Timothy Olyphant has dimples, nor does he give a flying fuck in this moment.
“Come on then, lead the way.”
Nick and Charlie head back to Nick’s flat, where they both have the most magical afternoon of their lives. Nick only throws up one more time, and Charlie only sobs once, although he claims it’s because it was such a beautiful moment when, in the film, Klitz offered his penis to the escorts for educational purposes.
Nick thinks back to how he woke up this morning, the feeling of complete dread and being well and truly alone… to how he feels now. Nick feels euphoric, he feels like he finally has that spark back, the glitter shits if you will.
He has Charlie under one arm, napping away on the couch. He grabs his laptop from the side of the couch, and types in www.glitterbombyourenemies.co.uk .
🍂
Whatsapp: [Lettuce Garlic Bacon Tomato Quesadilla]
bi-cycle (Nick)
20:30 sooooooooooooooo
20:30 i have something to tell you both
20:30 *inserts picture of 4 legs, intertwined, fluffy socks on each foot, a TV in the background playing Shrek 2*
monster munch goblin (Darcy)
20:32 idsfhiugvherujenguwguijngurghr
20:32 NICHOLAS
20:33 @my lesbian queen (Tara) GET IN HERE
20:33 DON’T MAKE ME FACETIME YOU RN SON, WHO IS THAT
My lesbian queen (Tara)
20:34 [PGMJR’;FL’F’fmkelngrjkgnrfg
bi-cycle (Nick)
20:35 lol calm down you pair of heathens
20:36 so you know Tesco banana man right?
monster munch goblin (Darcy)
20:36 nick this better not be a fucking sick joke
20:36 please tell me that you’re currently in bed with banana man
bi-cycle (Nick)
20:37 *inserts picture of Charlie, laying on Nick’s pillow, hand partially over his face, blushing furiously*
monster munch goblin (Darcy)
20:38 *inserts gif of animated man at his desk, flailing, his computer flying away*
20:38 *inserts gif of kermit flailing*
My lesbian queen (Tara)
20:38 *inserts gif of magikarp flopping on the floor*
20:39 IOFJIOGF’EFIENRO’GNEkfjme’GFEfmekgr’gegor[
bi-cycle (Nick)
20:40 I KNOW
20:41 8