Chapter Text
Taichi stood in front of the convenience store fridge deciding what bottle of water to buy. It shouldn’t be a difficult decision, all water tastes about the same—Taichi knew this. That wasn’t what kept him from his responsibility for his very inebriated friend—who was probably shivering waiting outside in the cold for him.
Taichi was very level headed when he needed to be—it was like a switch flipped on in him when things got serious. A perfect disposition to have for a future doctor. So after Suou threw up on the way to their hotel, Taichi took it upon himself to take care of him. He assumed Suou probably needed some liquids in his system and maybe even a mint. Yet here he was in front of water bottles, stalling—thinking about what just happened.
Because what the hell just happened.
Taichi was cautious; he planned everything thoroughly and carefully down to the smallest detail. It is what gave him the comforting illusion of control in his life. So when he found out that he was going to be moving to France only a week ago, he had spent countless sleepless nights trying to figure out how he would break the news to his friends… and most importantly, how he would tell Chihaya.
On the one hand, he didn’t want her to just dump it on her. It would probably cause some kind of friction between them. It wasn’t fair either, to tell her right now. It would only make her stress. She didn’t need unnecessary impediments while she was working so hard on accomplishing her dream. Yet it also felt so incredibly presumptuous to assume that Chihaya would be distressed by this news at all. Like why shouldn’t he tell her? It wasn’t that big of a deal because his presence never really mattered that much to her anyways. Nor should it, after how cold he had been since she had rejected him.
Funny enough, his hesitation and worrying was all for nothing in the end. Taichi very bluntly and unceremoniously blurted out his big secret so casually like it was nothing.
It was so unlike him to say something without thinking, especially so close to the finish line. He had been doing so well at keeping his emotions in check. Even after seeing Arata and Chihaya… on a date.
It had almost been a year since Taichi heard that faint whisper escape from Chihaya’s lips.
Gomen.
How easy one little word could wreak him; almost completely beyond repair. He had spent the past year endlessly rebuilding himself: trying to make sense of what happened and then find a way to be at peace with it.
Like some sick masochist, he had replayed his rejection a thousand times. He still wasn’t entirely sure what else Chihaya said. He only heard “Gomen”, but he knew he could trust his eyes. They never lied.
Chihaya didn’t need to answer him with words. Sitting there clutching the curtains with those beautiful hands he loved so much, she told him everything by the expression on her face—it was the same one she had when she was thinking about Arata. Her eyes sparkled with a mixture of admiration and awe; a way she never looked at him.
Arata had already confessed that he was in love with her.
So when the only words he heard traveling from her mouth was sorry, it was clear she was apologizing that he wasn’t Arata.
Taichi was already apologizing every day for being himself, Chihaya didn't have to apologize for him as well.
Seeing Arata and Chihaya together on a date was probably the best thing that could happen for him. It was clearly, explicitly over for him. He always thought it would happen like this anyways. So now he could stop dwelling on what ifs.
His card was a dead card after all—the very last one in the deck. It didn’t mean anything and yet it meant everything. Chihaya had already moved on, past whatever friendship they had once had. She didn’t need him anymore. The universe was telling him that much. He knew it too. Just that seeing it written so clearly in the cards of the thing he loved the most, didn’t make it any easier.
Seeing her win against Shinobu he was beyond ecstatic— relieved that for once his prayers had been answered. Chihaya accomplished her dream. He was so unbelievably proud. Yet, it was still a monumental task to force his lips into a smile. The fact his card was dead was looming over him, mocking him.
Insignificant and unread.
Which in turn made him feel more guilty that he couldn’t put aside his own insecurities for just a single moment. Just another one of his many failings to add to his ever growing list. “Congratulations Chihaya,” was all he said. Before he had the chance to elaborate—to make it less stale and empty, Chihaya had already flitted away to her next friend.
Chihaya probably hadn’t noticed. He had been forcing smiles ever since they were kids.
Chihaya had plenty of other people who loved her to compensate. He was just one of many and wasn’t even at the top of her list anymore. He had done that to himself too by quitting the club. Self destruction was the better alternative to carrying the weight of Chihaya’s rejection and smiling continuously about it.
Yet pushing her away became the biggest contradiction—it only made him want her that much more.
Though he tried to resist those feelings, to ignore her even avoiding looking directly at her. That day during the Qualifiers his entire facade came crashing down when the Chiha card was in Arata’s playing field.
Suddenly she was the only card on the field. Only her. Only Chiha.
And he took that card.
He won, but he lost.
He realized then that his unrequited feelings might well drown him. He was so desperate to find any way to alleviate the burden that one day when he was practicing with Suou he did something unthinkable.
There was one rule to their training arrangement— something Suou made sure to emphasize over and over again, completely nonnegotiable. Their relationship was strictly related to Karuta. He wasn’t Taichi’s friend. So he did not want to learn anything more about the personal struggles of a highschool “bishonen”.
Yet while they were in the middle of a match Taichi unintentionally “let slip” that Chihaya had rejected him. Suou seemed rather unfazed by this confession, continuing on in their game of Karuta by swatting a card forcefully away from Taichi’s side scattering the cards with the force of his hands. As Suou got up to go to retrieve the card he won, Taichi tried to fix the mess that was left of his formation. While he was preoccupied, he heard Suou muttering something very quietly under his breath, “maybe you need a rebound.”
Taichi jolted his head up, only to be met with Suou’s back.
“Just find some girl or man,” Suou continued “I don’t know what your preferences are, and fill the hole. It doesn’t have to be anything deeper than that.”
He sat back down and sent a card to him.
“Filling holes is easy.”
Taichi blinked a couple of times, startled by this strange gesture of… empathy? Not only was Suou giving him advice but he was also making such lighthearted euphemisms with zero sense of shame. It made him feel a mixture of gratitude and discomfort.
They continued on in their match and said nothing more about it.
If it was just so easy, why did Suou never seem to have a girlfriend. Taichi peered out at the window of the convenience store to see Suou huddled up against a tree looking an absolute mess and was reminded why.
Taichi didn’t want a girlfriend right now though—not really. He had never even done the “devil’s dance” before either. He was saving it, because well… he thought, too idealistically perhaps, the first time should actually matter.
It’s just filling a hole.
It could be something mindless and empty; something he could do without getting attached. Just to help him take his mind off things. Taichi was desperate and sad enough to try just about anything to numb the pain. Suou didn’t seem like he was that knowledgeable about love, but he sure seemed to know how to keep detached from everything.
So he went off to follow his mentor's advice. Taichi sat at the university bar and he didn’t have to wait very long for a girl to approach him. Suou was right, it was too easy. To be fair, it had always been easy for Taichi to get attention from women, just never the one he wanted.
She was a nice looking girl who took the initiative all on her own to introduce herself. They spent some time chatting together, having a few drinks, and even flirting a bit. But when she put her hand on his thigh and whispered there was a love hotel down the street, things just started to get too real.
Taichi was backtracking; breaking the promise he made to himself not to be a coward and taking the easy way out just. He didn’t even know her name and he didn’t even want to sleep with her. Not even a little bit. So he politely declined, paid for her drink and left feeling unsettled with how close he veered to the edge of the line.
Thankfully, he didn’t cross it.
Not when Chihaya’s hands were still the only one he wanted to touch him like that.
But those hands were now linked intrinsically with Arata’s.
When he saw them holding hands together, Taichi instantly put on his favourite mask: complete indifference. Ever since he was a child, Taichi was very good at keeping his true feelings safely hidden. It was expected of him and made the pressure to excel so much more manageable.
He couldn’t stop his eyes from wandering to Chihaya though.
Chihaya looked like a girl in love; her cheeks were flushed as they often were around Arata. Seeing her so giddy and fulfilled… It made things a bit easier too. She would be happy when he was gone. She had gotten everything she wanted including the man of her dreams.
Taichi was always envious of Arata. Not necessarily for stealing Chihaya away. He couldn’t be upset when Chihaya made her choice. No, it was that Arata was everything Taichi was not: confident, proud, and effortlessly talented at Kaurta, a true prodigy. His calm demeanor he had when he played carried over in his personal life too. He never let anything get under his skin.
He wanted to be brave like him too. Reckless and impulsive—jumping head first into anything. Arata always looked so damn cool when he did too. When Taichi acted on impulse, things always turned out terrible. Like when he stole the slightest kiss from Chihaya’s lips… He would be doing penance for that sin for the rest of his life.
Putting them up side by side, what did Taichi have to offer that Arata couldn’t? Chihaya's first love would always be Karuta before either of them. It was only natural she would gravitate to the best Karuta player as the standard for her romantic affections. Arata, the Meijin, could challenge her and inspire her.
King and Queen.
Taichi was but a lowly jester in comparison.
To think he would ever be able to stand beside him at their level.
Ridiculous and laughable.
That’s why he was leaving for France. His inferiority in every domain of his life was practically smothering him. He just wanted a fresh start. Away from everything and anyone who knew him.
He figured it was the best course of action for all three of them. Taichi wasn’t strong enough to watch from the sidelines Arata and Chihaya lived out their perfect shoujo romance. Nor could he count on himself to not make things worse for them with his terrible tendency for petty jealousy.
They didn’t deserve that; having to worry about dancing around him or neutering their affections when he was around. Taichi could be the bigger person and remove himself. Maybe with some distance, those memories of Chihaya would finally fade. Or at least not sting so much. He could come back and see them together and not feel like his soul was collapsing in on itself.
He wanted them to be happy. That wasn’t a lie.
…
Not everyone has a nice voice like you, Taichi.
Yet this was still haunting him. Chihaya had never said anything like that before. Had he actually heard right? Mostly everything else about their encounter he could chalk up to just Chihaya being her usual bubbly, endearingly chaotic self—he was used to that. This was just… strange.
Maybe she said something weird because she was a bit flustered and embarrassed to be caught on her secret date with Arata. Who knows what Chihaya and Arata had been up to before he happened upon them. Holding hands, hugging, kissing…
He’s not dense; tonight obviously wasn’t their first date. He knew Arata had been coming to Tokyo to train for the Meijin title. They'd probably been practicing together—made sense they’d go on practice dates too.
Although… it didn’t make sense why she looked so surprised when Harada said that Arata had been in Tokyo. That must have been an act for his benefit. Though Chihaya wasn’t much of an actress; at least not to Taichi. He could very easily tell when she was lying.
But he could imagine what a date between the two of them would be like. They were just so similar and perfectly suited to each other. Chihaya laughing at his jokes: both clumsy, awkward, but fitting together so easily and naturally. Playing Karuta together and then bumping hands as they both tried to take the same card.
Holding hands.
Taichi was really spiraling now; he knew it too, but he couldn’t stop.
That’s why France really was just far enough to make him forget all the hypotheticals that came unprovoked in his mind. At least Chihaya and Arata weren’t much on social media so he wouldn’t have new content of their budding relationship as further fuel to torment him.
He sighed audibly. He was still wandering around the convenience store. He hadn’t even picked out the damn bottle of water he came in for. He couldn’t very well open up to Suou about all his messy feelings, nor to anyone really. They were shameful and pathetic; he was still so hopelessly in love with her even after all this time.
Though… If there was ever a time for late night clandestine confessions it would be now. Suou was completely hammered and probably wouldn’t remember anything tomorrow.
Taichi found himself in front of the fridge again and picked out a bottle of water. He held it in his hand, swirling the water aimlessly around in the bottle.
A directionless love.
That’s all it would ever be. He was just going to have to find a way to swallow it. Alone.
The door chimed as it swung shut behind him. Taichi carried a bag filled with supplies. He got the water, of course, but added some mints and some crackers as if he was buying an apology for spending so much time in the store browsing.
He could thank Suou for giving him something more pressing to keep his mind occupied with. He was still standing exactly where he left him—leaning up against a tree. A fair distance aways from the entrance of the store, y’know, to allow him an ounce of dignity if he had to throw up again.
That’s when Taichi saw someone, racing down the street in a fury.
Chihaya????
“Chihaya, you came back for me. I knew you would,” Suou shouted graciously, putting his arms out as if to catch her. Chihaya didn’t slow down at all, but swerved sharply to dodge him. She ended up slipping and falling into a nearby snow pile with a thunderous plop.
Taichi raced over to her side, shouting her name in a panic. He knelt down beside her.
Chihaya was panting desperately; she had been running very hard and on little energy. Taichi had about a million questions racing in his head.
Why on earth was she running? Where was Arata? Has something happened? Had they been mugged? Did she have a concussion? Would she be ok? Is she bleeding? Where did she hit?
“Tai-“ Chihaya started through her pants.
He kept his questions to himself for the time being.
“Just calm down Chihaya.” Taichi said, defaulting to the calm but firm tone he used when he was Dr. Mashima. “Just breathe.”
Chihaya laid there for a while catching her breath. Taichi began to look her over, checking to make sure that there wasn’t any physical injuries. It was so comforting to Chihaya. His touch was so gentle and he was so carefu too—eventually, her breathing started to regulate. Suou peered over Taichi’s shoulder at the girl on the ground but said nothing.
“From what I can see you’re ok, maybe just a bit winded, are you ok to get up?” Taichi asked gently. Chihaya nodded in response. With Taichi’s help, she was able to sit up. Taichi reached into the bag beside him and handed her Suou’s water.
Chihaya hadn’t realized just how parched she was and started chugging. She had been running so frantically with only a vague idea of the direction of their hotel; hoping and praying that she would make it in time before Taichi slipped away.
She hadn’t the time to think too much about it and now she is realizing she probably looks like a mess and the water dripping down her face didn’t do her any favors.
Taichi watched her intently, face knotted with concern. Chihaya could only smile at seeing his serious expression. It was so quintessential Taichi, filled with worry but so utterly caring. It was just one of the many things she loved about him. God she just loved him so much. Her smile seemed to confuse him more he took it as a sign of some sort of deeper untreated ailment.
“Was the date with Arata that bad that you’d rather take your chances with me?” interrupted Suou softly with an devilish smile.
Chihaya choked on her water.