Chapter Text
There was something so lonely staying in the dorm all alone.
And it wasn't like this was the first time Jinyoung was all alone in their dorm, but something about this time just felt different. Maybe it was because he was sick, but the way the silence strode over the hallways and knocked on windows with all the doors and lights closed made him feel unwelcomed. Like he didn't belong here. Like he was intruding and he needed to leave even though he was in his bedroom.
It was…suffocating.
The house felt so much bigger with no one around, and it only made him feel more lonely. Yesterday, while he was resting in his room, he could hear the faint voices of his friends and the soft clinking of silverware coming from the dining room. It felt just like that, like there was a wall separating them, and Jinyoung could only listen from the other side.
And now that they’ve all left for a schedule in the early morning today, Jinyoung couldn’t help feeling as though that invisible wall has gotten higher between them. Or maybe he was the one who locked himself away. Either way, they all look so much better without him trailing behind them.
Jinyoung shakes his head, sighing as he stares at the ceiling. The room was quiet. The whole house was quiet. And for some reason, the silence was just a little bit too loud.
Silence meant being alone, and being alone in silence is the perfect opportunity for his own thoughts to feed on. He was already thinking too much, and it’s barely even noon. The others left a couple of hours ago for an interview and another round of rehearsals. He wondered if they were all smiling right now, reveling in his absence. Or if they were happily laughing amongst themselves in the dance studio, their formations sculpting a perfect fit without him.
Maybe that was how it was supposed to be. Maybe he shouldn’t be there, because what did he ever do other than bring them down and mess up their choreography just because he couldn’t battle a fever for one day?
There’s tears prickling at the corner of his eyes, his head pounding against his skull. He feels like he's drowning, floating away into an endless ocean. Everything hurts , and when he takes a shaky inhale, his chest aches with an unbearable hurt that wasn't because of the fever.
People do say that the truth hurts.
And as painful as it is, Jinyoung knows that he doesn't belong in their group; that he would be nothing more than a burden, a dead weight to their already perfect form. He doesn't want to bring them down with him. They didn't deserve that.
He doesn't even notice the tears flowing out of his eyes as he pushes himself out of bed, shaky legs and head spinning bringing him outside his room.
Jinyoung stumbled towards the kitchen, hand holding onto the wall for support as tears steadily flowed down his face. It was just too much. He just wanted the relentless ache coursing through his body and the heavy pressure in his head to go away. Cold sweat settled on his forehead, and he shivered uncontrollably despite the sweat in his back. He just wanted to feel better, to get rid of this stupid illness.
He wanted to silence the endless whispers of his own mind.
Useless. You're useless.
They'd be better off without you, and you know it.
Just a stupid burden. Who would want that?
Jinyoung shakes his head, opening the fridge and pulling out a bottle of soju sitting there.
The alcohol burns in a satisfyingly good way. It was intoxicating, and he didn't stop even through his body's protests as it continued to send waves of pain all throughout. He could barely feel it anyway, continuing to drink from the bottle even as his vision spins and his throat burns.
All he could hear were the whispers. The whispers telling him he's not good enough, and that he will never be. The whispers telling him how happy his friends would be without him by their side. The whispers telling him that he's just an inconvenient burden, that he's not worth their time, their love.
You don't belong here, Jinyoung.
"I know," he whispers into the silence, sobbing as he takes another swig from the bottle. "I know."
He knows that, and yet it still hurts so much.
Jaebeom couldn't focus on the interview.
They've barely begun with the questions, yet all that he could think of was Jinyoung. No matter how much he tried, he just couldn't shake off the uneasiness as he thought of the younger, alone in their dorm with a fever.
It wasn't that this was the first time they'd gone on a schedule without one of the members due to an illness, but this was certainly the first time one of them collapsed because of a sickness. And it wasn't just that. Jaebeom could still hear the way Jinyoung's voice shook as he said that sentence. Of all their years together, he would have never thought Jinyoung would ever say that.
And he felt guilty for not noticing it. For not seeing that Jinyoung was sick, for scolding him when the younger was probably pushing his body to its limits for the sake of their rehearsals, and for failing to know that he's been feeling like a burden to them, when Jaebeom knows that he and the rest of them would do everything to make him smile, to take care of him, to love him.
"I noticed Jinyoung-ssi isn't here, is he all right?" The interviewer asks, pulling him out of his thoughts. All of them glanced at each other with knowing, sad glances.
"He's just sick right now," Jaebeom forces out a smile. "Don't worry, he's resting at home right now."
He knows he is, but a part of him told him that something was wrong. And try as he might, he couldn't shake that feeling off. He — no, they need to get to Jinyoung.
He needed them.
So the moment the interview ended and they were back in the car headed towards the studio, Jaebeom immediately pulled out his phone and searched for Jinyoung's number.
"Hey, what's up?" Jackson asked from beside him, seeing the caller ID on the other's phone as it continued to ring softly amidst the car. This caught the attention of the rest of the members, and each of them looked at Jaebeom questioningly.
Jaebeom sighs. "I don't know. I feel like something's wrong. And he's not answering." He looks at his phone, ending the call and starting a new one.
"Maybe he's just asleep?" Yugyeom says, although it sounded more like he was assuring himself. Jaebeom always knew how worried he gets when it comes to Jinyoung. He didn't miss the way he was looking at the younger one yesterday.
Jaebeom shakes his head, chewing at his lip. "I don't know."
There's a few moments of silence before Youngjae spoke. "Let's go home? To check on him?"
They all looked at each other with worried, guilty eyes. If something happened to Jinyoung…none of them could ever bear it. And after what happened yesterday, what he said yesterday with wide, teary eyes, they won't let him feel that way ever again.
"Yeah," Yugyeom nods. "Let's go there."
The door opened with a low creak once the six of them entered. It was strangely quiet, and despite the seemingly peaceful air surrounding the living room — with the way the curtains danced softly against the wind and the way streaks of sunlight casted shadows against the couches — Mark couldn't shake the uneasiness off his shoulders.
It was too quiet.
"Jinyoung-ah?" Jackson called out as all of them continued to tread through their dorm. There was no reply, and as they neared the kitchen, there was a faint aroma of…
Alcohol?
Mark's stomach dropped. He glanced at the others and they were all wearing the same, worried expressions. He silently prayed that his instincts were not correct, but then they stepped inside the kitchen, looking through the doorway for any sign of their sick friend, and everyone froze in their tracks.
Jinyoung lay there on the kitchen floor just beside the fridge, completely still and unmoving. An empty bottle of soju rested a few feet away from him, slightly cracked on its edges.
"Hyung!" Yugyeom cries, rushing over to the other. The rest of them followed, and in an instant, they were all huddling around Jinyoung.
"Jinyoung-hyung," He kneels down in front of him, worried eyes scanning the elder's features. He frowned at the drying tears on the other's face. Gently, he scoops up Jinyoung's warm body onto his arms, urging him to wake up.
But Jinyoung's head only lolled to the side, mouth slightly open as shallow breaths left his lips. Yugyeom silently curses, pressing a hand towards his forehead. It was burning hot.
He snaps his head to the others. "He's not waking up."
Looks of alarm flashes across everyone's faces as they glance over Jinyoung's direction. An air of uncertainty and worry lingered around in the air.
"Let's go to the hospital," Jackson says, trying not to think too much about the fact that his best friend was lying there on the floor, sick and completely unconscious. He tries not to think too much about the worry, the fear bubbling at the pit of his stomach at the sight of Jinyoung's pained expression even through closed eyes. He tries not to think too much about the empty bottle of soju beside his feet, or the tear stains on the younger's shirt.
Because right now, they needed to get Jinyoung to a hospital. Right now, they needed to make sure he would be okay.
He has to be.
The weight of Jinyoung's hand on Youngjae's own is comforting, like it was the only assurance that he would be okay. Like if he even thought of letting go, Jinyoung would drift away again, right out of their reach.
Despite the fact that this isn't the first time any of them has seen Jinyoung this sick before, even to the point that he's gotten hospitalized, it still felt so different from all the other times.
Because this time, Jinyoung was crying, and they don't see him cry often, not even the first time he had to stay in the hospital for a few days. This was completely different. This time, he was crying, and they weren't there to be with him. And it wasn't because of the fever, either. Youngjae knows that none of them missed the alcohol bottle on the floor earlier, after all.
The thought that Jinyoung — their sweet, caring Jinyoung with his endearing eye smiles — was crying, hurting for God knows how long all on his own makes his heart twist painfully.
"How's hyung?" Youngjae's thoughts were interrupted as Bambam's soft voice spoke beside him from the doorway of the hospital room. The younger walked over and sat at the edge of the bed.
"Still asleep. I think his fever broke, though." Youngjae replies, glancing at Jinyoung's peaceful expression as his thumb subconsciously traced circles over the elder's hand. He almost looked like he was just sleeping. "Where's Yugyeom?"
Bambam leaned back on the foot of the bed, eyes never leaving Jinyoung's form. "Getting food at the cafeteria."
"And the rest?"
"Jaebeom-hyung told me they're adjusting our schedule so Jinyoungie could rest."
Youngjae nods mindlessly, gaze still fixed on Jinyoung. He keeps thinking that maybe he'll finally open his eyes any moment now and smile softly at them like he always does and then everything will be okay again. Then Jinyoung would be okay again.
But his eyes kept closed, and his body remained unmoving. Jinyoung's hand in his' felt so cold against the cool air of the room, and the steady beeping of the heart monitor was the only thing that broke the heavy silence looming above their heads.
The silence made everything so much clearer. All of the things that happened yesterday until now had felt so surreal, and for split second, as Youngjae's eyes landed on the limp form of Jinyoung lying on their kitchen floor, he wished that it was just a horrible dream, that he'd wake up soon and Jinyoung would greet the six of them with his warm smile.
But now that he was here, it felt so much like reality than anything has ever been.
Hospitals have never been a comfortable place, anyway.
Jinyoung woke up to a dull ache at the back of his head and hushed whispers around him. His entire body felt heavy that even moving around the bed seemed like a chore. When he did manage to turn his head, he was met with the sight of his six friends sitting around the couch, talking to each other in quiet voices. Another glance around the room and he finally realized where exactly he was — in a hospital.
And then everything came rushing back to him — the dizzyingly way the world around him spun as his throat burned with alcohol, the feeling of the cold floor against his body, the tears that continued to fall from his eyes as he thought of his members' smiling faces without him — all of it came crashing down as he breathes out slowly, wondering just how he ended up like this.
The blankets shuffle as he shifts in the bed, catching the attention of everyone beside him. In an instant, numerous pairs of arms tackled and hugged him in a warm, messy group embrace as six thrilled voices shouted his name in joy.
"You feeling okay?" Jaebeom asks, running a hand through his hair.
Jinyoung nods, melting against the hug. "I'm okay."
Bambam pulls away from the hug, looking right at him. "No more of that, hyung. You can tell us if you're not fine, you know." He says, watching the way Jinyoung's eyes averted somewhere along the wall. It hurts to see the person always taking care of all of them look so lost. He wanted to see the Jinyoung who was always making them laugh, but more than that, Bambam just wanted to wrap him in a tight hug and never let go, to protect him from everything, even from his own mind.
Eventually, they all pulled away, opting to just huddle around Jinyoung — some sitting at the edges of the bed and others standing close by. Yugyeom lifts up Jinyoung's chin gently and meets the elder's warm, sad eyes. Jinyoung's eyes were always so mesmerizing to look at, but he doesn't think he could ever get used to the melancholy that sometimes visits his soft gazes.
"We love you so much, hyung," he says quietly, cupping Jinyoung's face in his hands. Jinyoung looked back at him with glassy eyes. "You know that, right?"
"I know that, but—"
"Nope, none of that, Nyoung," Jackson interrupts, shaking his head. His eyes are soft as he meets Jinyoung's gaze. "We all love you. You've never been and will never be a burden to us. Ever."
Tears gather at the corners of Jinyoung's eyes, and he bites at his lip to stop himself from crying. "I'm sorry," he whispers. He doesn't even know what he's apologizing for anymore.
Bambam shakes his head. "We should be the one apologizing, hyung. We're sorry for not realizing you were sick the other day.
"But I should've told you in the first place," Jinyoung mumbles, blinking through the stubborn tears in his eyes.
"Hey, what did we just say?" Yugyeom reaches out a hand to wipe at the tears falling from the corners of Jinyoung's eyes. "It's not your fault, and even if we didn't notice you were sick, we still shouldn't have taken out our stress on you."
Everyone nods in agreement. Jinyoung looks at his six friends and all he sees is sincerity and love in their gazes.
"We're really sorry for that, Jinyoung-ah. You didn't deserve that." Jaebeom says.
"It's okay," Jinyoung manages the tiniest smile, and then he glances around the room where everyone is waiting for his next words. "Just…"
"You need anything?" Mark asks.
"Food, water? Or do you want to rest for a bit?" Youngjae adds.
Jinyoung shakes his head. "Just…stay with me here."
The six of them breaks out into fond smiles. Yugyeom leans forward to ruffle Jinyoung's hair and places a soft kiss atop his forehead, smiling when Jinyoung melts against his touch. "Of course, hyung. Of course."
"Oh, come on, keep your sickeningly sweet relationship to each other!" Everyone laughed at Bambam's remark, and for a moment, everything seemed normal again. Just the seven of them, like it's always been. Like it'll always be.
Yugyeom glares at him in mock anger, holding Jinyoung close to him. "Hey, just let me love him!"
Jinyoung laughs against the younger's chest, and it's the sweetest sound Yugyeom has ever heard amidst the comfortable silence in the room.