Chapter Text
Life could be worse. That was what Luigi repeated over and over in his head. Life could be worse. Could’ve lost a tire to a pothole. Could’ve dropped outta college. Jokes on them, he didn’t attend college - despite his pops adamance he should. SATS and ACTS weren’t the defining measures of success.
Point being, life could be worse than what it was. Its what his Ma told him all the time, and she was rarely wrong. So life could be worse. It could be. But it could be better. His pops bellow rang annoyedly in his head. It could be better! You’re a smart kid, Luigi. Why… squinting his eyes shut, he pushed back against the memories and exhaled.
Life could be worse. Life could be better, and he really wished for better right now. He didn’t like where he was right now. On the same note, the alternatives were worse, far worse than he could imagine. He sat on the chair, leg crossed over knee and surveyed his patient, since this was what the situation demanded.
“Why do you believe your romantic gestures will succeed?” He tapped his fingers together, having given up on hiding his fear.
Across the room, a fairly eloquent room for a genocidal tyrant, Bowser lied across a titan koopa sized sofa. His ankles were crossed, and he rested folded claws across his stomach. He mused above, expression torn as he decided on what to say.
“It’s always worked before.” Bowser said contemplatively. “I wanted the star. I got the star. I wanted to be king of the koopas. I dethroned the old king and devoured him when I came of age.”
Luigi restrained his horror. “You ate him?”
“Yes.” Bowser confirmed softly, much softer than he had any right to. It didn’t sound like the grandiose pride Luigi was used to. “I had to…lest he eat me. It’s what they do in our lands.”
“Okay…”
“You don’t want to know what the boos do to reproduce.” Bowser grimaced, a slight tremor passed over him. “It’s freaky.”
It’s bait, it’s bait. Clearing his throat, he nodded. Better to stay safe and all. “Everything you listed were inanimate creatures.” Luigi clarified, glancing down at his notes. “They aren’t sentient creatures. Peach is a person.”
“And…”
“She decides who she loves and doesn’t love. You can’t just force a person to love you.”
Bowser gripped the sides of the sofa. “And why not?”
“Because you can’t.” Luigi emphasized. “If you want Peach to love you, you gotta give her a reason to love you. Like being kind or making breakfast or remembering their birthday or making sure they don't go through the bed to the floor underneath her apartment while sleeping in bed.”
When he finished, he realized Bowser was staring at him quizzically with Kamek taking notes silently on the side. “That's a strangely specific thing.” He said
“Forget that part.” Luigi said. “The point is, sure, you can force her to marry you, but will she want to?”
“She’ll want to if she wants to protect her precious kingdom!” Bowser roared.
Luigi winced, slapping his forehead. “Yeah, sure, but she’ll want to do it to protect her kingdom, not because she loves you or want you. It’s for her kingdom. You get it?”
Bowser looked from left to right, from Luigi to Kamek and Luigi could spot the reluctance in his eyes when he shakily breathed. “But she’ll say yes when I threaten her precious toads?”
Luigi dropped his face into his hands. “She’s gonna assassinate you the first chance she gets.” His neck jerked upward after the words left his mouth. Only Kamek’s stunned silence accounted for the error he made.
He hadn’t meant to say that was right on his lips as he sought Bowser’s reaction. The turtle stares at him wide eyed, then a slow, toothy grin spread across his face. It took Luigi some time to register the rolls on his stomach were waves of laughter as he pointed confidently at Luigi.
“And I’d accept the challenge!” Bowser barked. “Don’t you see? That’s why I adore her! It’s more than her beauty. Her cutthroat tenacity. Her strategic brilliance. She wields beauty as a shield for her enemies to underestimate her, but I have never underestimated her. Her strength accents her beauty, and at last, I may lay my claim on it.”
“Yeah…no….yeah, no.” Luigi said bravely. “Destiny and I like to go to the community garden together. We’ve got our own plots with tomatoes and string beans and lettuce. It’s a nice, calm environment we both want to do with each other. And not because someone else is holding the other ransom.”
Bowser’s bottom lip trembled before it gave way to a snarl. “Where’s the fun in that?” He threw his claws up. “Where’s the twist and turns, where’s the romantic tension?”
“The…” He grasped his hair in frustration. “You really think she’d love a monster like you? Even Belle had more to work with!”
“Belle?”
Letting the question pass over his head, Luigi exhaled, feeling the strain in his lungs growing closer to snapping. He couldn’t reach him. It was impossible. Not even Sigmund Freud would be able to make sense out of him! As his panic rose, a steady voice calmed him down. Buy time for your brother. It spoke plainly, simple. Protect Mario. It said no more than that. Protect Mario. That was what he was doing here, giving his brother time. Time to reach him and get them out of this hell.
Destiny, Destiny, I promise when I see you again — no ifs, hope kept despair at bay. He didn’t want to end up like that star in the prisoner hold.
“Be kind.” Luigi rasped, wiping his face. “Be kind to Peach when you take everything she’s ever loved.”
“You think I won’t?” Bowser scoffed. “I won’t destroy the Mushroom Kingdom when she marries me. No. I can’t build bridges with a ruined kingdom. With Princess Peach at my side, my enemies will submit peacefully.”
No, they won’t, Luigi wanted to protest. He stopped himself. “Wait.” He raised a hand to slow Bowser down. “How about diplomacy?”
“Diplomacy?” Kamek repeated. Not for the first time, Luigi wanted to smack him with his own wand. “What does diplomacy have to do with this? We are Koopa!”
Luigi smiled through his grimace, tight edges and all. “You really wonder why he’s the way he is.” Because he held off as long as he could. “And why is he dressed like the princess?”
Kamek huffed with offense. “Excuse me!” Then he tossed his fake blonde hair - Luigi didn’t want to know where he got it, and laughed. “He’s putting his actions to practice.”
“With you?”
“With me.” He said assuredly, gesturing to his chest.
“You’re his foster father.”
“What about it?”
At that very moment Luigi decided not to push any further on that unhealthy family dynamic. I love you, Mom and Pops. He swiveled back to Bowser, who apparently didn’t see the problem in Kamek’s response.
“Heyo!” He wheezed into a dry, flaky sounding chuckle. “Let’s aim at diplomacy. You can be more diplomatic about your proposal, eh?”
“What is done in the human world?”
“It’s frowned upon to coerce women into marriages, mostly.” He said through gritted teeth. “We’ve already covered it. But if you want Peach to fall in love with you, crazy in love minus potential murder —,”
“Which I am all for her trying,” Bowser added, grin broad and smothered in hunger.
“Right.” Luigi said slowly. “Yeah, very…kinky.”
“But we want —,”
At that moment the doors swung open, and a blue shelled turtle shattered his world.
—
He’s not dead. He is not dead. Mario is not dead. Bowser might have roared in his face and danced and sang and drank but he was wrong. Mario is not dead. He cannot be dead. It is impossible, scientifically impossible for Mario to die.
Luigi stood in front of the mirror. He was dressed in a white tuxedo. The Koopas had impeccable taste, and had he felt anything except this tsunami of grief, he might’ve fallen prey to its sleek design. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. Because everyone else celebrated the presumed murder of his favorite person in the world. His brother. The brother he failed time and time again, unable to protect and unable to save.
“Peach is getting ready as we speak!” Bowser announced. A long line of smaller koopas, mostly winged blue shells fitted him into his tuxedo. “And there’s a little surprise for you too…”
“Besides killing my brother?” Luigi asked rhetorically.
Bowser smoothed any perceivable wrinkles out of his tuxedo. “That wasn’t a surprise!” He scoffed, which only accented his triumphant grin. “I told you I was going to kill him. Now, killing the Kong Prince? That was a twist!”
“An excellent twist, sire,” one of the blue shelled koopas said as he lowered his wedding top hat onto his head. “No one saw that coming.”
“Except everyone when we saw Mario jump on Donkey Kong’s kart?” Said another blue shell that hemmed the end tails of Bowser’s tuxedo.
His foot was swift and unforgiving, more like a wrecking ball than a foot. Luigi watched with dismay as the blue shelled koopa stared at him fleetingly, resigned to the fact that his death was his own fault for speaking a truth everyone else knew better than to speak aloud. His shell cracked and snapped. Luigi flinched, wanting to help. There was no helping him, and the koopa was lost under Bowser’s foot.
His fellow blue shells were momentarily shocked, frozen in fear and grief before they resumed their positions. Should have known better, sang silently around them as they finalized their king’s wedding attire. The simple fact their comrade should have remained silent, should have kept their tongue at rest was more than enough to keep their attention elsewhere. Luigi merely stood and might have felt sympathy for the creature, could have had he not been responsible for Mario.
Bowser must’ve noticed his despondent stare. An eyeroll and casual scoff warned Luigi, but he was too tired to care. “If you keep that frown up, you won’t get your surprise, Luigi.” His surprisingly ivory and cavity free teeth shined against the lava’s harsh light.
“I…” Luigi sighed, too practical to protest or show a grimace at his moment. “It is your wedding, and I’m sure the only thing that’ll matter to you is the princess’ joy.” Or unhappiness. Bowser wasn’t able to differentiate from the two beyond his scope of satisfaction. Again, priorities.
“Our happiness is all that matters to me now.” Bowser agreed, though Luigi didn’t correct him on the change of verbiage. “But what about you? Aside from your totally dead, annihilated brother, who else can make you happy?”
“My Ma?” Luigi said. “Or my…” He closed his eyes, feeling tears burn underneath them. “It doesn’t matter, kay? Your day is the big day! It’s all that matters.” All that matters…what was he going to tell his parents? Would he see his parents again? Ma was probably worried sick about them, and Pops was so worried that he’d blame Mario since there wasn’t anything else he could do besides that.
“You’re right.” Bowser marched towards him. “It is my day. It is our day, and for your teachings, I made you my best man.”
Luigi tried not to tremble, but he could feel the tips of his shoes tapping against each other. “And I am so grateful for that too.” His teeth chattered.
“It was very generous of me. After all, we’d only just met, but I found your diplomacy lessons so intuitive. I played diplomacy and Peach finally received my affections. She was so impressed.”
“Horrified.” Luigi corrected.
“Same difference.” Bowser said, waving him off. “The point is I made you my best man because your ideas worked, and it was only fair for my beautiful bride to have an equally competent maid of honor.”
Luigi’s eyes squinted as his head shook a little with confusion. “What?” He asked, gesturing with his arms spread wide and palms open. “You got Kamek in a bridesmaid dress?”
Bowser’s eyes appeared to pop. “Well…” He winced, seemingly tossing the idea in his head. “He’d probably like that, but no! I got something even better.” With a grand sweep of his arm, he gestured to the massive doors the blue shells struggled to close earlier.
Luigi waited. Bowser waited. An uncomfortably long silence ensued, and Luigi switched from door to Bowser’s increasingly frustrated expression.
A snarl growled out of him as he stomped his foot and whirled to the door. “Come on!” He roared. “A guy trying to make his best man feel special for all his help, and you can’t even get the entrance right. I swear if this happens at the ceremony, I am going to lose…”
Before he could swing the doors open, they snapped opened themselves, and Kamek tumbled forward, disoriented. He landed on his face, glasses meeting the hard stone below, and when he lifted his head, hazy words rasped out of his mouth.
“Sire…”
“What?” Bowser glared down at his right hand koopa. “Is the meaning of this?”
Kamek wheezed a pathetic reply but no one understood. The koopas behind him whimpered, and they reached up for Bowser to no avail. All they could make out were vague murmurs and pleas for mercy. Luigi stepped forward, cautious yet curious, and briefly, hope tempted him in the direction he didn’t want to go on. No, no, no. That was impossible. Mario was gone. But something obviously happened. Something Bowser hadn’t planned.
The screams came from the right. “Put me down!” Commanded a woman’s voice. “Put me down you giant, floating snot ball!”
“Who is that?” Bowser snarled, fists clenching.
Luigi maneuvered quickly underneath the turtle. It can’t be. He thought despite the sounds contradicting him. How? He searched to left, then right, and down the corridor was a giant, floating beach ball. He wanted to pay closer attention to it, but his interest strayed to the person caught in its fingerless hands.
“King Boo?” Bowser asked, incredulity twisted in anger. “What are you doing to Peaches' maid of honor?”
Luigi clutched the sides of his head, letting out a tiny screech. “What are you doing to my Destiny?”
The woman didn’t hear the cries of distress related to her situation. Closing your eyes, you breathed and slipped through the ghost’s grasps, landing on the floor.
“What is wrong with you?” You shouted back, landing on the floor with a silent thump. In fact, half of your body went through the floor. When you realized you were stuck in between, you inhaled and pulled extracted your lower half out, dusting off any pieces of rubble that might've caught onto your dress. “I am not a Booelle!” You snapped.
The ghost was determined. It - he - shook his head adamantly. “Booelle, do you know how long I’ve searched for you?”
Tears ran down the sides of the ghost's face, leaving you confused. “Do you know how much this dress cost?” She smoothed the wrinkles, checking for any rip and tears. “This wedding may be an affront to woman kind and consensual matrimony, but a fine dress is a fine dress, sir!”
Bowser nodded proudly. “See?” He smirked at a recovered Kamek. “That’s why I chose her. Peaches knows how to make friends.”
Luigi didn’t care about that. You were standing there. Whole, complete and unharmed. Your hair was as white as a ghost, and your eyes were a different shade too, more violet than the warm, sweet honey brown he'd loved. But it was undeniably, unquestionably you. His bottom lip quivered. Time was a lie when imprisoned. A few days had passed but he had no way of telling anymore. You were there. Alive and well and screaming and pointing an accusing finger at the ghost, whose indignation dried up their tears.
He stepped forward. “Destiny? My Destiny?”
As you ranted about not being a ghost princess and the importance of asking before taking, you heard him. Your mouth stopped moving. Your round, almost not completely heart shaped lips aligned in shock. Your neck shifted from the ghost to the crowd on the other side, and your accusing finger went to her mouth as tears swelled in your eyes.
“Luigi?” You whispered, fearful his presence was an illusion. “Is that you?”
“Sweet cakes?” His lips quivered, and the emotion, grief came undone in him. It didn’t matter that instead of running, you floated. Your arms were as real as they were the night you held him in your arms before he left for work.
“I am so sorry.” You kissed his cheeks and forehead and nose. “I am so, so, so sorry. He loves you so much, and I am so happy you are okay.”
He focused on your touch, not the words you spoke. He wasn’t okay. His brother was dead, and he hadn’t come to terms with it. Hadn’t really processed it just yet and probably never would. You simply didn’t process your best friend and sworn protector since birth dying at the hands of an evil turtle. That wasn’t something processed in a day or three or thirty years.
He lost the core of his universe and its steady, resilient cosmic flow. What was he going to do? His knees buckled. His heart shattered. There was no one to mend the bruises beneath his skin.
“Ah, yes, yes, really?” Bowser mumbled to King Boo. “Are you sure? No way. It can’t be.”
As he was bathed in affection and condolences, Bowser cleared his throat. “My dear comrade!” He announced. “It is my honor to announce we have stumbled upon a family reunion!”
Your grip around him tightened, so much you lifted him three inches off the ground. “What?”
Awkward, confused applause followed, and Bowser stepped aside, arm outstretched to the massive ghost. “More than twenty-five years ago King Boo lost his beloved heir Booelle.”
“What?” Luigi said.
“And now…” Bowser’s gleaming stare fell on them, and they held onto each other a little bit tighter. “The Princess of the Boos has returned!”
—
He’d fallen in love with a ghost. Sort of. Boos were more complicated than that but were effectively the same thing. Your feet and legs returned. Hair and eyes were more resistant to change.
“It might be something to do with this dimension.” You said sheepishly, still stunned after the revelation.
Bowser wasn’t so quiet. “I can’t believe this!” His stomps resonated under their feet, threatening to fling them in the air. “A wedding and family reunion. Good thing this happened first. I’d hate to have a brawl on my wedding day. Stuff like this can overshadow the wedding!”
King Boo’s joy over finding his daughter - his lost Booelle - waned once he registered her protectiveness around Luigi.
“A mortal?” He spat angrily. “No daughter —,”
“Not your daughter.” You countered coldly.
“No child —,”
“You didn’t raise me.” You held Luigi tighter in your arms, subtly pushing him behind you as he gripped your wrist. “So, not your child. I have parents.”
“How are boo babies born anyways?” A koopa whispered to another.
His comrade shook his head and said, “You really don’t want to know.”
Luigi didn’t want to know either. Or perhaps he did. Hard to tell when fear incarnate wanted to strangle you for dating his daughter. He focused on your touch and the sweet scent of your hair. Cocoa butter, he supplied, trying to swing around you to avoid King Boo’s line of sight.
“My child is in love with a mortal?”
“We actually haven’t gotten to I love yous yet.”
“Lu.” You hushed him. “Not now.”
“Fair enough.” He whimpered. “But I do.”
Shock colored your already deep complexion, and your lips parted, unable to respond. “Even the way I am…” you heard yourself saying against your better judgment.
Confusion knitted his silky eyebrows together. “What?” He laughed uneasily, pulling his torso to your spine. “Being part…ghost? Boo? Doesn’t mean anything to me as long as you're you.”
“Aw, Lu…” You sighed, shaking your head as you refocused your attention. “Look! I am a…” Your lips twisted in disgust. “A bridesmaid for this…lovely wedding, and I will not distract from my dear friend Princess Peach’s…matrimonial bliss.” For added effect, you stomped your right foot. “Now!” You swallowed, pointing to Bowser. “Let us not delay this ceremony any longer.”
Bowser grinned, a menacing yet ecstatic sneer. “I see why you chose her.” He rolled to Luigi, who quivered behind her back. “She’s…got fire.”
“And she’s mine!” He yelped protectively, then blushed at his outburst. “Only if she wants to be.”
You grinned, kissing his nose sweetly. “I do.”
“See?” Luigi said smugly. “Mutual consent.”
Bowser glowered.
Luigi paled. “Uh…on with the wedding!”
Bowser's animosity didn't recede instantly. "Exactly," he said slowly, diverting his attention to the guards below . “Guards, take the maid of honor to Peaches’ room.”
“I can get there myself.” You said indignantly. “It isn’t far.”
Bowser ignored you, turning to King Boo. “And there shall be no non-ritualistic killings at my wedding. As the fine lady said, this wedding is about Peach and I.” He nodded sagely at the pair, arms folded diplomatically in front of his plastron.
They exhaled their relief simultaneously.
“You may kill him after the wedding.”
“What?”
Bowser regarded them with confusion. “What? It’ll be after the wedding. I won’t need a love guru after the wedding.”
“How about a marriage counselor?” Luigi offered shakily, betting his very life on the option. He might have passed out if not for the grasp he had around your waist. “You’ll definitely need one.”
Or someone to help Peach hide the body, you were tempted to say but didn’t. Your tongue rolled to the back of your throat.
Bowser, despite his temper and offense, appeared to consider Luigi’s proposal. “We may need one…” Affection warmed his sigh, and he pressed a claw to his beating heart. “Her assassination attempts may increase after the honeymoon.”
Horror filled your expressions, resistant to your attempts to smooth them into a softer, kinder appearance. At the last second, support won through, and Bowser smiled at your beaming faces.
“Very well!” Bowser announced. “The love guru now best man shall be my marriage counselor! And his lovely ghost princess —,”
“Hold off on that —,”
“Will be Peaches’ lady in waiting!”
Your mouth puckered, and sweat threatened to ruin his tuxedo. But neither of you protested, exchanging worried glances instead.
“Okay.” You nodded tightly.
He nodded stiffly. "Sure."
Bowser's glower threatened to devour you. "That doesn't sound very enthusiastic."
You shared uneasy, terrified glances and said with visible unease. "Oh, hooray! We are so thankful and grateful for the opportunity, my liege."
"Yeah..." Luigi chuckled sadly, trying his hardest not to cry. "What she said."
Whether Bowser was totally convinced didn't matter, he appeared satisfied. With a smirk and a head nod, he motioned for his guards to move in. Your pinkies sought comfort and hooked around each other, holding on just to be parted as the blue shelled troops wrenched you in opposite directions. Luigi watched the colors he’d grown to know and love shift from one shade to another. You smiled sadly at him, waving goodbye as you were guided to Peach’s room.
Luigi stood, staring, wanting to touch you again, wanting to fall into your warmth, and wanting nothing more than to believe this was a horrible dream. But then someone spoke.
“He’s very small.” King Boo observed. “He wouldn’t fit into the tiniest frame. I can make that happen, y’know. She won’t even notice he’s gone.”
Bowser rolled his eyes. “C’mon, Boo. What’s up with you and trapping people in frames?”
“It isn’t killing him!” King Boo protested. “It’s just sealing his incorporeal soul into a picture frame for all eternity. You don’t really think I’m going to let my kid marry some tiny, mustached mortal .”
“That tiny, insignificant —,”
“Hey.”
“Mustached mortal is my future marriage counselor!” Bowser roared. “And he shall be treated with respect!” Then he looked at Luigi approvingly. "Right?"
"Sure, let's go with that." Luigi's voice cracked, and he settled his grimace into a smile that was equally broken. "I'll make sure you wife doesn't orchestrate a revolution behind your back."
"Aw, thanks, marriage counselor." Bowser grinned cheerfully. "See? He's great."
"Thanks."
“You’re welcome.” Bowser said dismissively, then he raised his head forward. A dark sheen shadowed his eyes, and he swung his hefty body in the opposite direction. With a dark chuckle, he whistled the wedding march. “Here comes the groom.” The rest of his entourage followed, leaving King Boo to hold his gaze for several moments before he floated to his seat.
Luigi watched on, feet glued to his spot until a blue shell shoved him forward.