Chapter Text
Stuart was pretty sure he was well past his all night drunken bender type days. Past the evenings of drowning the loneliness or emptiness that would come with the job he used to have with expensive bottles of scotch. Feeling pointless and like he was a bad person for raking in money, often at the expense of others whose faces he would never even see.
And yet here he was, feeling very similar to the way he remembered feeling so many mornings back then. His other life. He felt heavy and groggy, like the effort it would take to so much as open his eyes wasn’t worth it. A steady, dull ache in his head further supported the notion that he was desperately hungover but still, it just didn’t make sense. He wasn’t that guy anymore. He loved his job, loved his girlfriend and hell, he was even a dad now…
Dad.
Nina.
Nathan.
Hospital…
The fog that clouded his mind immediately began to clear as the events of the past few days flooded his mind. And yet, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t quite bring himself to open his eyes or even move his fingers. He suddenly felt horrifically claustrophobic in his own body.
What was going on? Be rational, he told himself, trying to keep his nerves and fears in check. He most likely was still in the hospital, which would explain why he felt the way he did. He stopped for a moment and focused on what he could hear: beeping, a telltale sign that he was right about being in the hospital. But there was something else… it sounded like talking but he couldn’t quite make out the words. There were different voices; familiar voices…
“Yeah, but we just had Italian yesterday,” one of them said as the Charlie Brown sounding mumbles of the voices finally cleared and he could make out words.
“But it’s Italian… you can never go wrong with Italian,” another voice said. Maggie. That was Maggie.
“Maybe,” OA countered, “But that new place in Chinatown has been killing it lately. You can’t deny that.”
“He’s right,” Tiff now said, and somehow hearing her voice especially brought him comfort. They all did, but Tiff probably knew him better than any of them and he regularly entrusted her with his life while in the field. “That chow mein was next level.”
“Okay, okay,” Maggie resigned, “but does anyone know if Nina likes Chinese?”
Silence followed but Scola wouldn’t have listened right away anyway. They mentioned Nina which meant she was okay. She had to be okay enough to eat, at least. The last he remembered, she had come out of surgery and the last image he had of her was cradling their beautiful, tiny son. He tried even harder then to open his eyes or make any kind of movement to tell them he was there. He could hear them and had so many questions…
“She should be back any minute,” Tiff said, “we will let her be the deciding factor.”
“I still feel like one of us should have gone with her,” OA added quietly.
Where did she go, Scola wondered. Wasn’t she still in the hospital?
“You know Nina,” Tiff countered, “it’s just the restroom. I think she’s finally feeling well enough to do things on her own and besides, the baby is in the stroller so no heavy lifting.”
“Yeah,” Maggie spoke up, “She’s probably happy to be able to walk around some after the week she’s had. I’d be climbing the walls if I were stuck in a hospital room or an apartment that long.”
“Yeah but it’s not like Scola’s apartment is tiny…” OA laughed now, soon joined by the others.
Stuart listened but couldn’t make heads or tails of any of this. What did she mean by the “week” Nina had experienced or being in the apartment?? How long was out?
“The real question is will she leave him long enough to go to the restaurant and eat?” Tiff asked, and somehow he could feel their eyes all turn to him. He felt so strange and so vulnerable being able to hear them clear as day, but not react in any way.
“Yeah,” OA added, his tone now softer, “It would be our luck that he would finally wake up when no one is here..”
There was a silence then and Stuart used it to focus all of his might on moving ANYTHING. Eyelids, fingers… anything. He was beginning to feel so tired again, but he had to fight it. Had to come out of this funk and finally feel like a human again. Had to figure out how much time had passed and what all he had missed.
“Wait, did you guys see that?” Maggie asked now, which made his heart monitor pick up speed ever so slightly. Maybe it was finally working…
“Yeah,” Tiff said excitedly now. The next thing he knew, a petite hand slid into his own. “Stuart, can you hear me?”
He still couldn’t quite bring himself to open his eyes yet, but there was something about the warmth of Tiff’s hand against his own that seemed to awaken his body slightly.
“Hey!” she said suddenly after he managed to tighten his hand around hers. “He squeezed my hand. Stuart, can you open your eyes?”
Yeah, well, he’d been trying to do that, he thought to himself. Still, it did suddenly seem a little easier to control his body than it was before.
“Hey, Scola,” OA said now, “You with us, man?”
With one last push of strength and will power, he finally managed to crack his eyes open. Though the light that flooded his vision was almost unbearable and made the dull ache in his head become a bit more piercing.
“Dim the lights a bit,” he heard Tiff quickly say, no doubt observing the painful tension that was most likely written across his forehead. Thankfully, the direction definitely made a difference when he tried to open them again. It took a moment and several blinks, but he finally managed to open them and keep them open.
The sight that he was greeted with was certainly an interesting one. Normally, staring up at the faces of people he cared about, all while they stared right back down at him would be slightly disconcerting. But the relief and sincere joy that was evident in their beaming faces made it more tolerable. He was happy to see them, too, it’s just that he was generally a fairly private person. Didn’t particularly like a lot of attention on himself. B
“Hey,” Tiff said softly.
He swallowed and attempted a smile back, “Hi.”
He frowned slightly at the sound of his own voice; Raspy and hardly recognizable as his own at all. But they didn’t seem to mind.
“Should we get the nurse?” Maggie asked suddenly, looking at OA and then Tiff. “We should probably get them, right?”
“No,” Stuart breathed finally, earning a look of confusion and concern from all of them. The idea of being poked and prodded by medical staff was not at all what he wanted right now. If something was wrong, he would know it by either the way he was feeling or else by one of the many machines still hooked up to him. No, all he wanted was his people around him. And hopefully, very soon, that would include Nina and Nathan.
“Not yet,” he pleaded, to which they all nodded.
He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, tension draining from him.
“Did he go to sleep again?” OA asked quietly then. Scola snapped his eyes open again, wondering if they had been closed longer than he thought. He was honestly getting tired of losing track of time.
“Apparently not,” Tiff responded with a grin, her hand still firmly holding Stuart’s. “How are you feeling? And answer truthfully, since you don’t want us to get the nurse.”
He smiled slightly, knowing that she always had a way of cutting through his bull and getting right to the point. Truthfully, he didn’t feel that horrible. He certainly didn’t feel great, but he honestly felt like he had just gotten over a really bad case of the flu. “Feel weird. A little sore but ok… how long?”
They all looked at each other for a moment, then back at him.
“Five days,” Tiff answered.
Five days? How could it have been that long!? Five days since he had seen Nina. Five days since he had met his son for the very first - and only - time.
“Do you remember what happened?” Maggie asked now, but there was something in her expression that stood out to him. He thought back and suddenly realized why she had that look. The conversation wasn’t completely clear, but he vaguely remembered talking to her before all the memories stopped. He remembered her being there and he remembered being afraid that he wouldn’t wake back up. He suddenly felt a little embarrassed for having shown that fear, especially to Maggie who always seemed so steadfast and fearless, but a raging infection-induced fever will make a man forget to hide his emotions.
“Yeah,” he answered, his eyes diverting to the ground, “I do now. And, uh, thanks for being there.”
She smiled somewhat slightly and nodded. “So… the infection is gone, then?”
“Yep,” OA replied, “They got it. Not going to lie, it got pretty scary there for about a day but you finally turned a corner once the medicine started kicking in.”
“And then you just decided to be lazy for the next three days, or so,” Tiff added jokingly, effectively relieving some of the tension that had built up in the room. “Nah, turns out your body must have known you wouldnt take it easy so even after they eased off of the sedatives, you kept sleeping.”
He took in the information, still finding it so surreal to hear all of these things that had happened to him, but not remembering any of it. And poor Nina. What had she been going through during all of this?
“Nina?” he asked after a moment or so of silence, “Has she and Nathan been alright?”
“Absolutely,” OA responded, “She’s a natural and Nathan is precious. Sleeps a lot like his dad.”
Stuart chuckled slightly and felt a little more at ease than he had since coming to. True enough, he would have loved to have been there when the team, his second family, met his son but knowing that they had been there for Nina brought him more peace than he could put into words.
“Oh,” he said shortly after, “Nina loves Chinese food.”
The looks on their faces was priceless.
“Wait,” OA spoke up first, “You heard all of that?”
He just smiled in response, deciding to let them wonder just how much he had been able to hear.
“Heard what?”
Nina.
Stuart felt his stomach flutter at the sound of her voice. He turned his head towards the door, the motion making him dizzy for a moment, but he didn’t care. Once he steadied himself, he was rewarded with one of the most beautiful sights: Nina standing in the doorway, her hair half up and sporting a dark green, long dress and a denim jacket. It wasn’t something he normally saw her wear but imagined it probably felt better than jeans on her healing c-section incision. Regardless, she looked nothing short of amazing. And beside her was the stroller they had bought two months earlier while out shopping one day. He distinctly remembered how foreign the idea of being a parent had felt that day, and yet now here they were, their son riding in that very stroller.
To top it all off, the giant smile that spread across her face the moment their eyes locked was enough to make him feel like he could get out of his bed and pull her into an embrace that he would never want to pull away from. Alas, he knew his body wasn’t quite there yet and even if it were, the various tubes and wires scattered over and in his body would have made it difficult.
“You’re awake!” she exclaimed as she pushed the stroller into the room. He could see that her movements were a bit more strained than normal, but she seemed surprisingly alright. Especially considering the last time he remembered seeing her, she was still groggy from a major surgery. Then again, that was Nina. Always tougher than she looked.
“How are you?” Stuart asked, holding out his hand that Tiff had let go of at some point. As she grabbed it, he noticed that everyone else had backed away slightly, giving them space. “And Nathan?”
Nina chuckled and shook her head, “We are just fine. He’s perfect and the things you ordered for the apartment were perfect… Just ready for you to be home, too.”
Scola smiled and nodded. He couldn’t verbalize just how badly he wished he were home as well. Hospitals were awful and he had never been in one this long. Even though he couldn’t remember most of his stay, he could feel it in his bones that he had been here far too long.
“Me too. When will that be, by the way?” he asked, looking around at all of them. It became clear they didn’t know either.
“Well, now that you’re awake, I imagine the doc will be able to shed more light,” Maggie answered. “You, uh, you still have a lot of machines hooked up to you so at least long enough for those to come out and make sure you can function on your own.”
Tiff shrugged and nodded, “But you’re past the worst of it and I think most of these things were because you were asleep for a while.”
“Yeah,” Nina said, a slightly sad smile on her face, “You’re even skinnier than you were when this all started. I think some of this is for nutrients.”
“And output,” OA added simply. Stuart looked at him as he considered those words before rolling his eyes and sighing as understanding struck; he undoubtedly had a catheter inserted into a spot that should normally never have anything in it. Instantly, it was as though he could feel the intrusion and desperately wanted out of the hospital more than ever.
“Anyway…” Tiff said loudly, indicating that they were perhaps overstepping a little and making him uncomfortable. Stuart found himself suddenly grateful that she understood him so well. It wasn’t anything against him or anyone else, but hearing all of these things about his own body, knowing that it was knowledge for everyone, did make him feel even more vulnerable and on display. “We are going to get some food and I imagine you might want to stay now, huh?”
Nina just beamed back and replied, “Yeah, I’m going to stay”
And as much as he wanted her to stay with him longer, he turned to her and said, “Why don’t you go and get out some? I’ll be okay.”
She shook her head, “No, I’ve been waiting for this moment for a week. When there was no more danger or wondering if we were all going to be okay. So I want to stay and Nathan will be waking up soon. I want him to spend more time with his dad.”
Scola had come to know Nina well enough to sense when something was set in stone and no longer up for debate. He just nodded and squeezed her hand slightly. Having her there did make everything better and if she insisted on staying, he certainly didn’t mind having her there.
“Well then we will bring you back some food,” OA added as he stood up and straightened his coat. “We are getting Chinese so message what you want and you too, Scola, if your doc clears it.”
“Something tells me he’s not quite ready for Chinese food but yeah, let us know,” Maggie added with a chuckle. She was probably right. Stuart was fairly certain he hadn’t had real food in a week and while he did feel an odd hunger pain, the idea of food - let alone rice and noodles - made him a little nauseous.
“I’ll let you know what we find out,” Nina answered for him. “Thanks, guys.”
“Yeah, thanks,” Scola added as he slowly lifted a hand in an attempt at a wave.
As soon as they were gone, a peaceful silence fell over the room, leaving only the sounds of beeping and soft snores from the tiny human in the stroller. Stuart felt her hand tighten around his and noticed that she was now looking down. He also noticed her breathing change a little and realized there were tears rolling silently down her face.
“Hey,” he said softly, tugging on her hand, “What’s wrong? Nina…”
She sighed and looked up, shaking her head as though she were ashamed. “I’m so sorry. I thought the hormones would magically go away when he was born but…”
She let go of his hand and proceeded to use hers to wipe her face and regain composure. He watched her, knowing that this was more than just hormones. He had read up on postpartum depression during his studies of pregnancy and parenthood almost every night before bed for the past several months. And given the stress of everything that had led to Nathan’s birth and having to do the first week largely by herself, he wouldn’t blame her in the least if she was struggling.
“Nina,” he breathed, his own eyes burning, “I’m so sorry you’ve had to do all of this by yourself…”
“No, it’s not that,” she interrupted, looking him in the eyes. “I… I was so worried about you. For so long, Scola. Every time I turned around… the videos. God, the videos. What you went through… I don’t know how you seem okay with everything but I watched you die. And get stabbed. Then get one of the worst infections you could possibly have. And then you wouldn’t wake up and the doctor’s didn’t know why…”
Stuart felt his stomach twist in knots as he watched her unload all of these emotions that she had likely been bottling up, trying to function while also adjusting to life as a new mom. She seemed to think what he went through was harder, when in reality, he couldn’t imagine what she had gone through. He wouldn’t have been able to handle watching her on that screen. Hell, it would have killed him to watch any of his teammates be tortured to the point of cardiac arrest, only to be resuscitated and then stabbed. It wasn’t fun living through it and he imagined it would be brought up more than once during his therapy sessions, but he didn’t feel like he got the worst end of the deal here. In fact, given the choice, he would go through it again to avoid having to watch someone else he cared about experience it.
“I just…” Nina continued, “Seeing you awake… I don’t know. I feel like I’ve just been on autopilot because I had to be, you know? Nathan needed me to keep it together.”
“And you did a great job,” he reassured softly. She smiled through her tears. “Nina, I can’t imagine what you went through, having to watch it.”
She laughed in an exasperated kind of way, “I just had to watch! I didn’t get stabbed or electrocuted! I’m sorry… I shouldn’t even be putting all of this on you right now.”
“Don’t be sorry,” he said quickly, knowing that she needed this conversation to happen in order to start healing and he was more than willing to be uncomfortable for a moment to give her even a little peace. “And don’t think for one second that what I went through was worse. I’d do it over a thousand times before I’d watch you go through it. And that’s me being selfish. These wounds will heal and we know going into this job that bad things can happen to us. But having to watch it happen to someone we care about and not be able to help them? That’s the real torture.”
She watched him, tears steadily spilling out and somehow making the blue of her eyes even more vibrant.
“But I’m fine now,” he continued softly, his hand reaching out until she grabbed it again. “And I’ll be out of here soon. And Nathan is here and he’s healthy. We’re okay, Nina. We’re all okay.”
She nodded and took a couple of deep breaths in a row while he did small, comforting circles on her hand with his thumb. He suddenly knew he had to actually hold her, so with his free, albeit tightly wrapped hand, he reached the bed controls and sat himself up a little more. It was slightly painful but bearable. He then let go of her hand and slowly shifted himself to the side, giving more room on the side of him that had the least amount of wires. The movement definitely tired him out quickly, no doubt from having very little movement otherwise for several days, but he was determined.
“What are you doing?” she asked, watching him closely.
“Come here,” he said, holding his arm out and tucking the IV tube out of the way as best he could.
“Scola, I’m going to hurt you somehow.”
He frowned and shook his head. “Stop it, I’m good. Come here. Just for a minute.”
She considered it for a moment more before carefully and slowly getting on the bed beside him. Within a minute, Stuart felt peace wash over him as she gently rested her head on his shoulder. The smell of her shampoo flooded his senses and he took it in greedily. This was the best medicine he could ask for. Seeing his team was definitely up there, but this was everything.
Just as he was getting comfortable enough to maybe fall asleep again, a small, adorable little cry broke the silence. But it didn’t upset him in the least. Instead, he felt excitement as he remembered that Nathan was, in fact, here. Nina’s head popped up and she sighed happily.
“Time to eat,” she said as she got up just as carefully as she had sat down. “I have to admit, though… I needed that. Thank you.”
He smiled and nodded in return, “I did, too. I guess we need to get used to sweet interruptions, huh?”
“Yes,” she said with a genuinely happy laugh. Stuart watched as she gently lifted their little boy out of the carrier and he loved every minute of it.
This wasn’t a normal start to a new family and was so far from how they had imagined it, yet it was still beautiful in its own way. He loved them so much and given that just a week ago, he had been forced to acknowledge he might never get the opportunity to experience this at all, he couldn’t feel anything but pure joy at the scene playing out before him.
“After I feed him, he’s all yours,” she said pleasantly as she took a seat in the nearby recliner and put the breastfeeding cover over her and Nathan. “If you’re up to it, that is.”
He couldn’t imagine anything else he’d rather do. He simply nodded and relaxed a little into his pillows.
“This will take a little while so get more rest,” she added, apparently noticing that he was getting tired. Still, he didn’t want to waste anymore time sleeping. “But you better wake up this time.”
He chuckled. “Promise.”
With that, they both settled into the peace of the moment and he could only hope that, with time, they would both be able to heal from the trauma they had faced and focus on building their new, beautiful little family. He then closed his eyes, and welcomed what he decide would have to be a quick nap.
—------------------------- EPILOGUE: FOUR WEEKS LATER —--------------------------------
Stuart sat in his car for a minute, taking a deep breath as he prepared to return to 26 Fed for the first time in over a month. He hadn’t made a point to get there very early to allow car prep time; he didn’t need it. Sure, he had a little anxiety about returning, but it wasn’t based on a fear of getting hurt again. That was always a possibility with his job and Nina and him had both agreed that he would just do his best to stay safe. But after a long discussion, they realized that having Scola out there, working to keep the city a little safer made their little family feel safer as well.
So going back was a no brainer, which meant the risks were inherent.
He had already completed a basic psych eval over a virtual session with a psychologist and had been cleared to return to desk duty. He also knew it would take a little while to go through refresher training, weapon qualifications and an additional, more intense psych evaluation before returning to the field, but that was okay.
Trust the process.
No, it wasn’t any of that stuff that was causing the anxiety. Not really. The thing that made him nervously straighten his tie for what was probably the fifth time since arriving was the fact that the last time most of these people had seen him, he was bleeding out and hanging by his wrists on a screen in the JOC. It wasn’t the first time that they had seen something bad or scary happen to a coworker, but it was definitely the first time it had happened to him. And he knew the things they had seen were specifically meant to be shocking to all of them.
He knew it would be okay and knew this anxiety was irrational: he considered many of them his friends and knew they would probably just be excited that he was able to return. But the attention his arrival would get and the potential for concerned gazes and thick silences in which they tried to decide whether or not to say what was on their mind made him feel uneasy. He just didn’t want them to treat him any differently. Wanted to pretend like it was business as usual, even though that wasn’t exactly the case.
It’ll be fine, he reminded himself. Just one awkward day at most.
With that, he took another deep breath and made his way into the building. Walking in and seeing the elevator immediately made him feel a little more normal. The past month had mostly been at home with him being released from the hospital two days after he woke up. And it had been such a lovely month filled with lack of sleep, all the baby snuggles and lots of diaper changes. He actually quite enjoyed this whole dad thing, especially given that he got to do it alongside one of the most amazing women he had ever met.
But still, there was a part of him that was happy to get back to what he was so used to doing. His wounds were just scars now; stories of something that had happened to him in the past and that’s exactly how he saw it. The past. But getting back to work felt like the final piece he needed to finally move forward with the new normal.
As he rounded the corner from the elevator, he knew something was up when he couldn’t see anyone in the hallway.
“WELCOME BACK!” the entire JOC bellowed as he entered the large room and saw multiple beaming faces staring at him. He couldn’t help but smile and look down. It was a lot of attention, yes, but it was from people who cared about him. People who had helped get him home to meet his son and fight another day. People who had gone through a lot themselves and were probably glad to replace the last image of him they had seen.
Within minutes, he was steadily getting pats on the shoulder, one-armed hugs and even a full blown hug from Elise. He imagined she had been one of the people to replay the videos of him being tortured over and over to find clues, so it would make sense that she was particularly happy to see him back and looking normal. Besides, they had developed a closer bond after the bomb incident.
Kelly eventually broke through the crowd and handed him a card. Stuart opened it up and read the line, “Congratulations on your new bundle of joy” in fancy lettering but under it, in handwritten letters, “and for surviving the mafia!”
He laughed out loud and enjoyed seeing the multiple signatures from all of the JOC members, including his team, Isobel and Jubal.
“Thanks, everyone,” he said, closing the card and shaking his head. “I will say, it was a little strange knowing everything was being watched but it was also a relief. Partly because I knew I wasn’t alone but also because I knew you guys would find me. And you did. So thank you, truly.”
There was a quick round of applause again and thankfully, Jubal then stepped up and took the attention away from him.
“Definitely glad to have Scola back in one piece and excited to see how he does hanging with us in the JOC for a few days,” he grinned as he gave Stuart a side-eye, almost as though it were a challenge. “And, ironically - and sadly - enough, we have a case to solve. An ICE agent was abducted and found murdered on a subway less than twenty-four hours later. We need to find out who, what, when, where and why.”
Stuart could feel eyes pressing in on him and while he had to admit a case like this in which another agent was not as lucky as he was did hit a little differently now, it only made him want to do his job better. At the end of the day, Stuart believed that when bad things happened, people could either choose to be a victim or an overcomer.
And come hell or high water, he was going to be an overcomer.