Chapter Text
Eddie was walking around the living room, cleaning up the craft supplies Chris, Buck, and himself were using. They were making plaster casts after Buck had found the idea on a website that listed activities for families.
He picked up the mold they made for the liquid to dry in, finding a stapled piece of paper under it. He furrowed his brows in confusion and picked it up, they were Buck’s forms to return to work. He looked on the back, still confused, and placed them on the table again. He assumed Buck had forgotten about them and continued cleaning up, placing the now semi-hard casts on the kitchen counter to fully dry overnight.
He finished cleaning up and flicked off the lights in the kitchen and living room, heading for the bedroom. Buck was already laying down, watching some disaster movie.
“Hey, I finished cleaning up.” Eddie said, climbing into his side of the bed. He leaned in and kissed Buck on the cheek, who was somehow scrolling through his phone and watching the movie.
“How are the casts doing?” Buck asked, leaning into the kiss.
“Good. They’re still damp but should be dry by morning.” Eddie smiled at Buck, smoothing out his pillows and blankets. “So uh-” Eddie inquired, “I found your return papers on the table. I thought you filled those out and gave them to Bobby already?” He leaned back on the headboard, placing an arm above his head while looking at Buck.
Buck paused for a moment and looked behind him at Eddie, “Yeah I uh-” he rubbed the back of his neck, “I must have forgot, I’ll do it tomorrow.” He said, returning to his movie.
“Hey,” Eddie said.
“Yeah?” Buck asked, not looking away from the movie.
“Come here.”
“Why?”
“Just come here.” Eddie said, holding a hand out.
Buck took his hand with a groan and allowed himself to be pulled over to Eddie. Eddie opened his legs and let Buck lay between them, with his head on Eddie’s chest. Buck groaned in comfort this time, and Eddie smiled down at him and kissed his forehead.
“If you’re worried about going back to work, you can tell me. You know that right?” Eddie wrapped his arms around Buck, hugging him with an ‘mmmm’ sound and breathing in heavily. “I know I think about it everyday, worried what might happen. You’ve been through so much, I can’t imagine anything else happening to you.”
Buck looked up at Eddie for a moment, pursing his lips in request, and Eddie smiled at him, leaning his head down to kiss him gently.
Eddie was rubbing his back now. “You need to allow yourself to be afraid if that’s what it is, Buck. I know I’m terrified, I can’t imagine you in that hospital again.”
Buck laid his head down again, looking at nothing. “I don’t know if I can,” Buck said.
“Can what?”
“Go back.”
“Why?”
“Because I died. Because I almost left you and Chris and everyone else I love.”
Eddie smiled at Buck, who wasn’t looking at him. “Buck, choose to go to work to live.”
Buck looked up at Eddie in confusion. “What?”
“You love this job Buck, it might be the thing you love most. I would rather chance losing you and see you genuinely happy with your life than not lose you and see you miserable, because you’re not doing the thing you love.”
Buck didn’t look up still, unable to look at Eddie. “I can’t- I can’t let go of this idea that I could leave any of you.”
“But you can’t know that Buck. I could get hit by a car tomorrow morning checking the mail. Any of us could die at any moment. I know better than anyone that avoiding death isn’t living, and the one thing I know about you, Evan Buckley, is you live. You always have, so stop trying to fix it all and do what makes you happy.”
Buck looked up at Eddie, trying to fight a smile. “I’ll think about it.”
Eddie raised his hands in surrender, “That’s all I ask, baby.” He said baby in an Elvis voice.
Buck snorted, “Has anyone ever told you that you have a way with words?” Buck asked, laying back down.
“No, just good hands.”
Buck furrowed his brows, then nodded in agreement.
Eddie shifted so he was laying down fully with Buck still laying on his chest between his legs. They kissed goodnight one more time, falling asleep in each other’s arms.
Buck sat on the couch looking at his return papers, unable to bring himself to fill them out.
He looked at his phone, the time read 5:08am. He rubbed his face in frustration and let out a deep sigh. He thought about what Eddie had said, but he just couldn’t bring himself to fill out those papers, not yet.
Standing up from the couch, he headed to the shower to get ready before Eddie and Chris were awake. They had all decided to go to the beach that day at Chris’ request, much to Buck’s chagrin as this happened to be the same beach the man he helped got struck by lightning before he was struck by lightning later that day. It made Buck anxious to return to that place, but he couldn’t say no to Chris.
Buck, Eddie, and Chris arrived at the beach, carrying a bag of beach items like sunblock, towels, drinks, and snacks. It was their first time visiting the beach since Buck’s last shift, ironically the same one that had the call for a lightning strike victim. Buck’s nerves were already on edge about it, but when Chris practically begged them to take him now that the LA summer heat was in full effect, he couldn’t bring himself to say no.
It wasn’t just the beach either, it was the sunny day itself. It was only daytime in his coma dream, and now on particularly bright days with the sun bouncing around every surface creating a sort of haze, Buck would freeze up and have these…moments. Where the world seemed distant and he was adrift. The feeling of unreality would hit on his worst fears about never having actually woken up from the coma, but he’d become disconnected from the anxiety in those moments. As if there was a glass case surrounding him and muting everything else.
Buck wasn’t sure what it was or how to deal with it, but it was unsettling enough that he’d been exclusively suggesting indoor activities for the three of them to do. Like going to the aquarium instead of the zoo, or one of the many museums LA had to offer.
Buck snapped a little back into himself as Eddie took his hand and tugged him forward onto the sand, grumbling quietly to himself about sand getting kicked up into the back of his shoes.
Buck nudged him in the side and said, “Might be easier if you just take ‘em off now.”
Eddie looked up at him, and though his sunglasses obscured his eyes, Buck could picture the disgust in them at the suggestion.
He snorted and the two continued making their way toward the water, stopping halfway there to set up their towels and umbrella. Eddie had explained that the position was efficient because they could have the same travel time to the water as to the boardwalk, so it was perfect.
Buck just smiled and nodded, he didn’t quite understand it but it didn’t matter because it made Eddie happy to pick the spot.
Buck started to feel untethered again where he sat in the shade and watched Eddie and Christopher work on a sandcastle. He looked out to the horizon line where the color of the ocean and sky blended together in such a way that it was hard to tell where they met. He squinted as he tried to focus his eyes on it, but was unable to grasp it and tried looking elsewhere. Buck looked at people walking by or sunbathing in the distance and that too felt like trying to see through a film.
Buck felt sweat begin dripping a path down his back where it was unobstructed from his choice in going shirtless and he wasn’t entirely sure the sweat was from the heat alone. He looked back over at his boys to try and center himself and shivered a bit as they looked far away too. Slightly off in color and far enough that Buck couldn’t hear them over the wind and waves. He closed his eyes and laid back on the towel, which helped a little, though he still felt like his body was somewhere else. Like in a dream.
Some minutes later, Eddie plopped down on the towel next to him with a groan as he bent his knees. “I’ve been relieved of sandcastle duty because, and I quote, mine are ‘too saggy.’”
Buck blew air out of his nose in response. This is where he’d make a joke, he thought, but he was having trouble enough just paying attention to what Eddie said.
Eddie laid down and rolled into Buck, wrapping an arm around his stomach and propping himself up on his hand to get a good look at Buck’s face.
Buck opened his eyes as the sensation of Eddie’s body pressed to his was more solid than anything he’d felt since sitting down. He traced the lines of Eddie’s face with his gaze, making sure that everything was where it was supposed to be. The patch of stubble he missed shaving that morning, the mole under his eye, and- a smear of white sunscreen that hadn’t been fully rubbed in on the edge of his cheek. Buck reached a hand out and watched as the fingers gently smoothed away the residue until none was left. After, he brought the hand toward his face and thought, “this isn’t my hand.”
Buck startled a bit as sunglasses were carefully pushed into position on his face, and he looked up to see Eddie leaned over him, brows furrowed in concern.
The shade of the glasses blocked out enough of the sunlight that the world lost its hazy edges and Buck breathed in deeply as it grounded him.
“Hey,” Eddie said, “There you are.”
Eddie smiled at him gently. His eyes were warm but Buck could see the worry behind them.
Buck nodded, “S-sorry.”
Eddie frowned at that. “Don’t be, I was just worried. Where did you just go?”
Buck bit his lip. He didn’t want to worry anyone, but Eddie was more perceptive than he thought. It took a while for Buck to figure out what he wanted to say, but he knew he should be honest with Eddie. “I’ve been having these moments where I- I feel like I’m dreaming but- not? Like I must be awake but everything just looks so fake and floaty. It scares me.”
Eddie looked away as he processed this, and his face cleared in understanding. “That’s why you haven’t been going out.”
It wasn’t a question, but Buck nodded anyway in confirmation.
Eddie looked out to make sure he could still see Chris, then laid himself down and rested his head on Buck’s chest. “It’s a kind of dissociation. I started getting it a lot for the first time right before I quit the 118. Frank said it’s sort of like your brain checking out when things get too stressful, to protect yourself. But it can also be scary,” he snorted. “And annoying. This one time I had to pull over and ground myself because it was like I couldn’t see the road. I lied and told you there was a crash that made me late.”
“Oh.”
“I noticed you have a thing about sunny days and you seemed really spaced out now. Thought I’d try the sunglasses to stop a trigger.”
Buck squeezed Eddie to him. “It’s helping a lot.”
“Good.” Eddie punctuated the statement with a kiss to Buck’s chest.
Buck basked in his newfound relief, the sunglasses giving him the reprieve he needed.
He rubbed circles into Eddie’s back as he laid on his chest. He thought about how… freeing it was that Eddie immediately noticed something was wrong and took action to remedy it without drawing attention to it. It was just one on the growing list of things Eddie had done for him that no one else had, how Eddie truly saw him and it made him feel safe.
They were interrupted by Chris going, “Eww. I knew you’d be gross at the beach.”
That got the first real laugh out of Buck since they came out here.
Chris sauntered closer in feigned sadness, saying something about a Capri Sun held hostage and Buck and Eddie both laughed. Eddie got up on all fours, giving Buck a quick kiss, which elected a “it never ends” from Chris. Eddie crawled over to the cooler and pulled out the kid’s drink, handing it over..
The rest of their day went normally after that. Back home, they played some games with Chris and sent him to bed with a hug goodnight.
Buck and Eddie sat on the couch, their hands intertwined while Eddie leaned his head on Buck’s shoulder. “This is nice,” Eddie said. “I can’t believe I didn’t realize sooner.”
“That you liked me or that you were gay?” Buck asked, squeezing his hand affectionately.
“Both I guess.” Eddie paused, looking up at Buck. He reached for the remote and paused the movie, sitting up to look at Buck directly.
“Hey,” Buck complained, looking at Eddie.
“Why didn’t you say anything? You had to have known I wouldn’t have shut you out.” Eddie questioned, while Buck reached for the remote, which Eddie pulled out of reach.
Buck gave a defeated sigh, looking into Eddie’s eyes. “I didn’t need anything else. I wanted to be with you, sure. I didn’t need it though, I was perfectly happy and content with being just friends and being in Christopher’s life. I didn’t want to add any pressure on you, or force the dynamic to change if you didn’t feel the same way.” Buck took a beat, he pinched the fabric on the couch between his fingers, waiting for Eddie to respond.
Eddie just looked at him and smiled, so Buck continued. “You and Chris were more than enough before, you always were enough.” Buck said honestly.
Eddie’s smile grew wider, his eyes crinkling in the way Buck thought was really cute. He surged forward and gave Buck a deep kiss, which Buck returned happily. They pulled away to breathe after a lengthy make out.
“Mmm, good answer Buckley,” Eddie smiled as he took Buck’s hand and pulled him up off the couch.
He kissed Buck again, walking backwards out of the living room and into the hallway, down the hall and into the bedroom. All the while they were stealing kisses. They arrived in the bedroom, pulling off their shirts. They both laughed like teenagers before Eddie shut the door.
Buck stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. It was a couple days later and he hadn’t brought himself to look at the return papers yet. He wasn’t fighting off panic when he thought about going back to work anymore, just a general fear he couldn’t shake.
Everytime he looked at those papers, he was back up on that ladder and he couldn’t shake the feeling of death that came with going back to work.
Eddie was right. Every day he woke up he was a little less surprised he was alive. He looked down at himself with just a towel on and thought he should get dressed, only for the thought to be squashed by Eddie entering the bathroom.
Eddie said, “Hey,” and walked up behind him, hugging him, kissing his cheek, and smiling. “How are we doing today?” He asked.
Buck smiled at Eddie in the mirror. “Better than yesterday,” he responded, playing with his semi-wet hair.
“Worse than tomorrow.”
Eddie rubbed his hands on Buck’s bare shoulders. He kissed the back of Buck’s neck which Buck closed his eyes and leaned into. Finding peace within the storm was so easy with Eddie, one word, one action and it was like all his problems disappeared.
Eddie turned around after that, he turned the shower on and began to strip his clothes off, starting with his shirt. Buck leaned on the sink to watch him with a quiet “mmm” to which Eddie grinned and tossed his shirt at him.
“Get out!” He joked, “Chris needs breakfast still.”
“Okay, okay,” Buck raised his hands in defeat. “Would have been a great show though.” He said as he slowly exited the bathroom, causing Eddie to throw his pants at him. They hit the door as Buck closed it with a quiet click.
Buck took a detour to the bedroom to finish getting ready, then headed out to the living room where his return papers caught his eye. He stopped in his tracks and stared at them. He was sure he wanted to go back to work now, he just wasn’t sure when. Buck ignored the papers and made his way to the kitchen to start breakfast.
Later that night, Buck had been doing more research on lightning strikes. He was sitting on Eddie’s bed, scrolling through a web page of safety tips to protect oneself from lightning when Eddie walked in.
“Hey Buck, they didn’t have any oat milk so I got almond for you.”
Buck didn’t look up from his phone, silently nodding at Eddie.
Eddie stopped undressing for bed to stare at Buck. He rolled his eyes and grinned like an idiot, reaching over he leaned in and turned Buck’s face, planting a kiss on his lips.
Buck smiled at Eddie and apologized for not paying attention then started sharing some of the facts he was reading. “Hey did you know if you’re stuck in the middle of a forest in a lightning storm, the safest spot to be is inside a car?”
“No, I didn’t, luckily there aren’t many forests here or lightning storms, so we don’t have to put that into practice.” Eddie said, pulling on his sweatpants and climbing into bed.
He decided to go shirtless tonight, which Buck noticed immediately but continued on with his facts as Eddie laid down beside him and wrapped an arm around his waist.
Buck was still sitting up, scrolling through the web page. “Hey, the best way to avoid any permanent damage from a lightning strike is to crouch as low to the ground as possible if you can’t find shelter.”
Eddie looked up at Buck, listening intently as he continued to give him more facts. This went on for a while, causing Eddie to go to the kitchen and get them both a beer. When he came back to the room, Buck was standing now, checking the room for possible weak points that could damage the house if lightning struck it.
Eddie handed Buck his beer, who then placed it on the night table without even looking at it. Eddie sat back on the bed watching Buck, who was now talking about rain storms instead of lightning storms. Eddie smiled and bit his lip as he stared at him.
Buck continued rambling, “It’s really cool that-”
“Oh my god, I love you.” Eddie said, shaking his head fondly at Buck, who stopped in his own tracks.
Buck wasn’t sure what he just heard. He didn’t hear those words from people often and he still wasn’t quite sure they’re real whenever he heard them. He’d gotten so used to not hearing them, to being unlovable, that he had to ask Eddie, a small part of him still didn’t believe it.
“You what?” Buck asked. He looked down at the ground, he hadn’t turned around yet, his body unconsciously protecting him. If he didn’t face Eddie then it might hurt less if he was wrong about what he heard.
Eddie smiled wide at Buck, “I love you, Evan Buckley, I love you.”
Buck didn’t know how to respond, frozen in place.
“I love that you deep dive into random subjects as well as current ones based on calls. I love that babies make you tear up and that you can’t see a puppy without stopping to pet it. I love that you care so deeply for everyone that you have to fix it all even if it’s not your fault. I love that you made room for Chris and I in your heart from day one and never faltered. I love you, Buck.”
Buck didn’t know how to respond. He half tackled Eddie on the bed, pushing Eddie on his back while Buck got on top of him. The anxiety and fear that had come from hearing those words was gone, replaced by an overwhelming amount of happiness. Buck knew Eddie meant it, and knew he could trust that. He didn’t have to be afraid of those words and the disappointment that came with them, with Eddie there were no expectations, he knew he loved Buck for Buck.
Eddie laughed, looking up at Buck.
“I love you too, Eddie.”
He leaned down and kissed Eddie softly, who returned his kisses, then stayed like that for a while before Eddie poked Buck’s side. Which caused Buck to laugh and fall onto his side, giving Eddie the lee-way he needed to climb on top this time.
“Now, as much as I love your facts, can we go to bed?” He asked smiling down at Buck while he trapped his hands above his head.
“Sure, but you might wanna let me go or the last thing we’ll be doing in this bed tonight is sleeping.” Buck flirted.
Eddie raised an eyebrow and leaned down to kiss Buck again, not letting his arms free.
It was a week later when Buck finally filled out his return papers. He had been working on his anxiety through therapy and with some open communication with Eddie. It didn’t feel like he was signing his death certificate when he signed his return papers anymore. Slapping them on the coffee table he leaned back, resting his head on Eddie’s shoulder.
Eddie gently played with Buck’s curly hair. “I gotta say I’m excited for you to come back to work. Hen hates when I crowd her and Ravi won’t get out of my lap, he just wants to learn everything.” Eddie said, kissing Buck’s forehead.
Buck laughed lightly. “Let me guess, you’d rather me be in your lap?”
“Obviously.”
Buck laughed again, gently rubbing Eddie’s knee. “I’m scared to go back, not like before but the worry is still there.”
“Sometimes being scared is the highest form of bravery Buck, and I know together we can figure it out.” Eddie said, closing his eyes and resting his head against Buck’s.
“Yeah, I just have more to lose now, and so do you.” Buck said, picking at Eddie’s shirt, pulling the loose fabric there.
“Buck, you died and still survived. I am confident if anyone will fight to stay with us, it’s you.” Eddie squeezed Buck closer to him.
“Let’s just take it one day at a time.”
“Okay, one day at a time,” Buck said in agreement. He closed his eyes and let himself melt into Eddie’s embrace.
Eddlie let out a light mmm sound. “I love you,” he said.
“I love you too,” Buck replied.