Chapter Text
Shi Qingxuan, delicately perched on the edge of the desk, leaned over He Xuan’s paper and said, in his most convincing tones, “please.”
“Please what?”
“Lord Black Water, please let us have a dinner party at your house.” A lock of his hair fell forward and brushed He Xuan’s hand. He batted it away.
“No. And what is this ‘us’ having a party? You would be having a party. I would simply be there, not enjoying myself.”
“It would be to show off your new house. I would invite your friends, and serve your favorite foods, and all you have to do is host and show everyone around.”
“That sounds horrible.”
“It sounds fun! You have such a nice house now, and things are so much better than they were, and they should get to see that!” Shi Qingxuan thought for a moment. “I bet I could teach the bone dragons to do tricks, and they could be the entertainment.”
He Xuan finally stopped pretending to still be working and looked up. “You are not, under any circumstances, to teach them tricks. If their egos get any bigger they will be demanding beds in my house.”
Shi Qingxuan was sure this meant he was beginning to cave. “But we can have a party?”
He Xuan sighed.
Shi Qingxuan leaned over even further, totally invading He Xuan’s space in a way he felt only slightly bad about. “He Xuan,” he cajoled, “you promised you’d have friends. This is part of having friends.”
He Xuan’s face was not very far away now, so Shi Qingxuan was able to read the little expressions that flicked across it in a way that he couldn’t normally, and as a result was observing many new things. Like for example, when Shi Qingxuan said his name, He Xuan’s chin moved like he wanted to jerk his head back, but the movement was arrested and he stayed. And his eyes had widened a little bit, and his mouth had fallen open somewhat, like he needed more air to breath, if such a thing could be said of a ghost.
Shi Qingxuan thought that maybe he should seek out such a viewpoint point more often. “Fascinating,” he said out loud, accidentally.
He Xuan blinked and then shoved lightly at Shi Qingxuan’s shoulder. “Get off my desk.”
“But--”
“Fine, yes, we can have a party. I have to…run an errand later today. You can come with me and I’ll drop you off wherever you need to invite people or whatever.”
Shi Qingxuan slid off the desk with all the grace he could manage; He Xuan, without looking, offered him an elbow for balance.
“Can I use your stuff to write invitations?”
He Xuan sighed loudly. “Not in here. I have to work.”
Shi Qingxuan snatched a scroll and brush triumphantly as he left.
***
It was several hours before He Xuan felt ready to knock on Shi Qingxuan’s door and announce that he was ready to leave.
She’d changed forms since leaving his library. She bounced out and smiled at him. He Xuan resisted the strong urge to run away.
That had been happening at a horrifying frequency lately. Shi Qingxuan would do something, or say something, or even just look at him sideways, and he would suddenly be stricken with the need to be somewhere else, somewhere Shi Qingxuan’s eyes couldn’t find him and make him feel like he was burning. The bottom of the ocean, maybe. That would be a good place.
He'd even considered asking her to stay away, politely, for a few days. He was sure that Shi Qingxuan would respect a need for a little space. But every time he seriously thought about it, his tongue felt like it was shriveling up.
Shi Qingxuan merrily waved two small scrolls at him. “Look, I’ve got them all done! I thought six would be a good number, and you know Crimson Rain won’t come without Xie Lian, anyway, so I said they could each bring a plus one.”
“Each?” He Xuan replied, already regretting agreeing to this.
Shi Qingxuan brandished the scrolls again. One was addressed to Hua Cheng. The other was neatly labeled for Mu Qing.
He Xuan knew he should never have told her about that. He hadn’t been able to help it. When he was around Shi Qingxuan these days, sometimes he just started talking. He’d preserved Mu Qing’s privacy – Shi Qingxuan didn’t know why they’d been meeting up, only that they had, but somehow that made it worse, like they were actually friends or something.
“So, can you still drop me off?” Shi Qingxuan asked.
He Xuan nodded. “But you’ll have to deliver Hua Cheng’s to Xie Lian. I have to meet with the asshole himself.” He could have handed it to Hua Cheng himself, he knew logically. But that would deprive Shi Qingxuan the fun she was clearly having with it. Also, there was no way in hell he would willingly hand an invitation to anything to Hua Cheng.
“Oh, your errand. Alright, that’s fine with me! Is it another financial meeting?”
She’d already asked to come to one of them. He Xuan had, thankfully, been able to hold the line on that one. He let out a strangled sort of affirmation.
“Maybe I can give the other one to Xie Lian, too,” Shi Qingxuan was musing. “Since I don’t really have a way of getting to heaven?”
“What, you don’t think I could get you there?”
She blinked and then laughed. “I didn’t think you wanted to!”
He didn’t. He opened an array and privately asked Xie Lian to ask Mu Qing if he could possibly be at the shrine anytime within the next hour.
He could have asked Mu Qing directly, but that felt like a bridge too far. He might really think they were closer than they were. But Xie Lian was going to take liberties no matter what He Xuan did, so going through him felt safer.
Roughly fifteen minutes later, he’d deposited Shi Qingxuan to Xie Lian’s welcoming smile and horrible hut and was marching into Hua Cheng’s study where they typically held their meetings.
Hua Cheng looked, as always when he was away from Xie Lian, incredibly put out. “This better be fast. And you aren’t allowed to get too excited about these impromptu meetings just because I said yes this once. I might raise your rates.”
He wouldn’t and he had said yes more than once. But He Xuan didn’t contest it. “It’s important,” he said. “A matter of Supreme safety.”
Hua Cheng raised an eyebrow. “Oh? I’ve been feeling very safe lately.”
“Well, I haven’t,” He Xuan snapped. “I came to ask if you had heard anything from that godforsaken mountain lately. I think it may be opening.”
Hua Cheng stared at him. “No.”
“Are you sure?” If this wasn’t the answer, He Xuan was going to get desperate.
“I assure you, nothing is coming out of Mt. Tonglu anytime soon. Or going into it, for that matter.” Hua Cheng narrowed his eye. “What’s going on.”
He Xuan was getting desperate. He dropped down and sat at one of Hua Cheng’s little tables, which he never did. “I think something’s wrong with me,” he muttered.
Hua Cheng sat down across from him and made a horrible little snort. “Many things are wrong with you.”
“Hua Cheng. This is serious.”
“He Xuan,” the ghost mimicked back at him, “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”
He Xuan couldn’t look at him. “Something is wrong with my mind. I keep having all these thoughts I’ve never had before, and I’m acting irrationally.”
“…Right,” Hua Cheng said. “Do these thoughts have a subject?”
He Xuan folded his arms on the table and buried his face in them.
This darkness is nice, he thought into the fabric of his sleeves. Maybe I will simply never come out.
Hua Cheng poked him on the elbow.
“Shi Qingxuan,” He Xuan mumbled into his clothes.
There was a pause.
“Please describe these thoughts,” Hua Cheng said.
He Xuan said, “I would rather die again.”
Another pause.
Hua Cheng said again, “I can’t help you if—”
“Oh shut up,” He Xuan said, jerking his head up. “This is humiliating enough as it is.”
Hua Cheng was smirking, but only a little bit, which He Xuan grudgingly supposed meant he was being mostly sincere. “Are these thoughts new? You’ve been thinking about the former wind master for centuries.”
“But not like this!”
He Xuan saw the exact moment Hua Cheng figured it out.
“Lord Black Water, are these thoughts…romantic in nature?” he asked.
“That has occurred to me as a possible conclusion,” He Xuan said slowly. He was finding that if he went one phrase at a time, and looked down at the table rather than at Hua Cheng, it staved off a little of the feeling of wanting to sink into the ground. “But I don’t know if it’s right. It’s been…a very long time.”
“Mm,” Hua Cheng said. He looked at He Xuan appraisingly and settled into his seat. “As you know, I am an expert in this area, so if you elaborate on your symptoms I’m happy to provide a diagnosis.”
“You are not an expert,” He Xuan said. If they were going to get technical about it, he thought, Hua Cheng had only ever been in love with one person, where he had one and, well, maybe two. At least one and a half, for sure. Depending on how this diagnosis went.
Hua Cheng made a horrible smirk. “Yes I am.”
“Idolizing one person your whole life and then discovering that he’s fortunately just as weird as you is not expertise.”
“Nevertheless,” Hua Cheng said. “I am happily married, and you are here asking me if a demonic mountain has opened up because you want to touch faces with Shi Qingxuan.”
“I don’t want to touch faces,” He Xuan lied.
“So what do you want to do?”
“I don’t even know,” He Xuan slumped back a little bit. “When they’re around, I get all flustered and confused, and my brain loses track of my tongue and words just fall out of my mouth, and I can’t stop looking at them, and it’s overwhelming.”
Hua Cheng stared.
“Also,” He Xuan added. “Is it normal to want to bite someone’s earlobes? I don’t think it is. In fact I’m quite certain it’s not.”
Hua Cheng burst out laughing.
He Xuan felt like sulking. “It’s not funny.”
“Yes it is.”
“I thought you were trying to be helpful – I told you the whole thing and you’re just laughing—” He Xuan moved as though he was going to stand up from the table.
“No, look, I will be,” Hua Cheng said, “don’t get all huffy. Sit back down.”
He Xuan sat back down. He wasn’t really sure where he would have gone anyway. Hua Cheng had all the leverage here, unfortunately, because He Xuan might as well just wander around helplessly if he didn’t have him to talk to.
“My official diagnosis is,” Hua Cheng said, “that you are stupid. And also, yes, that’s romantic. You have it bad.”
He Xuan put his face back down on the table.
“Shi Qingxuan is currently inviting Xie Lian on your behalf to come to a dinner party,” he said into his arms.
“Why?”
“Because I couldn’t say no.”
“Ah.” Hua Cheng was silent for a moment. Then he said, “Honestly, your ear thing isn’t even that weird.”
“Please don’t call it that.”
Hua Cheng said nothing. Then, in the silence, He Xuan felt a hand pat his shoulder, very lightly. Twice. When he looked up, Hua Cheng withdrew the hand and retreated back a solid three feet, but He Xuan felt, incomprehensibly, a little better.
“What do I do now?” he asked.
“That depends.”
“On…?
“On what you want to happen,” Hua Cheng said. “You could stop spending time around Shi Qingxuan and hope that it goes away. You could talk to them about it. Or you could just continue to suffer.”
He Xuan stood up. “I hate all of those options.”
“Well then, I expect to see you back here asking for more expert advice shortly.”
“You will not,” He Xuan said as he left the room.
***
The first thing Xie Lian did, after He Xuan deposited Shi Qingxuan in front of Puqi Shrine and vanished again, was offer Shi Qingxuan food.
“No, thank you, I just ate,” Shi Qingxuan said. She was lying, but Xie Lian didn’t seem to take it too hard. He welcomed Shi Qingxuan inside and offered her a seat anyway.
It had been a while since Shi Qingxuan had been there. There were new, various decorations and shelves cluttering the walls. There always seemed to be something new whenever she visited.
It had been a while since Shi Qingxuan had seen Xie Lian, too. He’d stopped by to see He Xuan’s new house once, but Shi Qingxuan had been just leaving and hadn’t gotten much of a chance to talk then.
“It’s so nice to see you!” she said to start. “It worked out that He Xuan said Hua Chengzhu is busy, because now I get to talk to you!”
Xie Lian smiled. His gaze flicked over Shi Qingxuan. “So, you’re living there, now?”
“Part of the time,” Shi Qingxuan said. “He set up a permanent array for me, so I can go back and forth.”
“I got the message that there was someone else you wanted to –ah, here he comes,” Xie Lian said.
A moment later, someone knocked and then entered the shrine when Xie Lian called out, “come in!”
When he entered, Xie Lian said “ah” again. “I was expecting Mu Qing.”
“He’s swamped in some work,” Feng Xin said. “He asked me to come deal with whatever this is.” His eyes roamed around the shrine and settled on Shi Qingxuan, and then his head jerked in a comical double-take. “…Lady Wind Master?”
“Former,” Shi Qingxuan responded, thinking that Feng Xin casually running an errand for his rival seemed wildly out of character.
Feng Xin’s brows furrowed. “But – you’re—”
Oh. She’d almost forgotten that the tits were a relatively recent development. “He Xuan’s been lending me some spiritual energy,” she said, directing the statement at both of them. Xie Lian was too polite to ask, but he must’ve been wondering too.
Something weird happened to both of their faces.
“Spiritual energy?” Xie Lian repeated, as Feng Xin choked out, “He Xuan?”
“Yes, it was his idea, actually,” she said. “It was very considerate.”
There was a silence. Xie Lian and Feng Xin looked at each other.
“I’ll make some tea,” Xie Lian finally said. As he bustled about getting it, making more noise with the dishes than Shi Qingxuan thought was probably necessary, Feng Xin sat down at the table with Shi Qingxuan. Gingerly, clearly not sure why he was there.
“So, how have you been?” he asked, horrifically awkwardly.
“Good. Nothing too interesting,” Shi Qingxuan said, mostly meaning that she didn’t think Feng Xin would be all that interested in the exploits of herself and He Xuan and the bone dragons. “But you both have to fill me in about everything in heaven. I miss the gossip so much. Anything happen recently?” She leaned an elbow on the table and propped her chin on her fist, smiling.
She’d never mention it to him, but it had crossed her mind once or twice that it was unfortunate that He Xuan’s whole clone network in the heavens had run its course and been unraveled, now that she could have used it to stay connected.
Feng Xin blushed bright red. “No, I don’t know,” he mumbled. “I mean, I don’t pay attention to that stuff.”
Behind them, Xie Lian made a sound that sounded like an aborted laugh. Then he returned with tea. “I’m sure anything big enough will trickle down to you eventually,” he told Shi Qingxuan. “I talk to San Lang, and he talks to Black Water, who I suppose talks to you?”
Shi Qingxuan shrugged. “Is that what they talk about at their meetings? He won’t let me go along.”
“Can’t imagine why you’d want to,” Feng Xin said under his breath. Then he held up his hands in apology at the twin glares directed his way. “Sorry, different strokes, whatever.”
“Indeed,” Xie Lian said lightly. “You could say that.”
Shi Qingxuan could almost hear him winking at Feng Xin and she had no idea why.
“Anyway,” she said, annoyed and wanting control of the conversation back. “I have something for both of you. Well, for Hua Chengzhu and General Xuan Zhen. I guess you can deliver it,” she said to Feng Xin, handing over the scrolls to each of them.
She watched them each read. Xie Lian opened it right away; Feng Xin looked like he was trying to hold back for a moment – Shi Qingxuan supposed it wasn’t very nice of him to open Mu Qing’s mail. Which was probably why he did it.
“This sounds fun!” Xie Lian said.
“…A dinner party,” Feng Xin said slowly. “At the Nether Water Manor?”
“Technically, yes, but it’s all nice and different now.”
“Is there any occasion?” Xie Lian asked, looking pointedly at Shi Qingxuan.
She frowned. She really thought she’d written this on the invitations. “It’s a housewarming party.”
“Because obviously we’ll go, but--”
“I don’t understand this,” Feng Xin cut in. “Black Water Sinking Ships is hosting a fucking dinner party?”
“Well, I did have to bully him into it, and I will be doing most of the planning--”
He was staring at her, a little slack-jawed. “Lady Wind Master—”
“Former!”
“How in the fuck do you bully a calamity ghost into doing this?”
She shrugged. Sharing the real answer, of ask very nicely and say his name a few times, seemed like a breach of He Xuan’s privacy.
Feng Xin seemed to leave as soon as he could without it being openly rude. But he promised he’d pass along the invitation to Mu Qing, so Shi Qingxuan had to be satisfied with that. She reminded him to tell Mu Qing that the invitation expressly included a plus one. Feng Xin did not even respond to that, just turned and hurried away.
“I hope he does bring someone,” Shi Qingxuan said to Xie Lian. “It would be so awkward with five.”
“I’m sure he will,” Xie Lian assured her.
They chatted some more, and then Shi Qingxuan asked Xie Lian to draw her an array back to the capital.
“Black Water can’t come get you?” Xie Lian asked idly as he did so.
“I’m sure he could, but it’s not worth bothering him over it.” And Shi Qingxuan was ready to go back to her home for a day or two before throwing herself into party planning.
Xie Lian only hummed in response. He finished the array and brushed off his hands. Then he looked back at Shi Qingxuan.
“It was really nice to see you,” he said. “And…if there’s ever anything you want to talk about, you can always come over.”
Shi Qingxuan smiled. “Xie Lian, you know no one’s ever had to encourage me to talk.”
Xie Lian gave a rather half-hearted laugh. “Sure, but I mean…anything personal. If there’s something that just you and I should talk about. I know you have other friends, but I’m the only one…” he trailed off, unable or unwilling to finish his thought.
Shi Qingxuan thought she knew what he meant, though, and she was touched. “Aw, that’s so nice of you.” It was different, suffering under a cursed shackle and getting your divinity removed entirely, but, “I never thought about it like that, but I guess you are the only one I know who’s had anything like this happen to them.” The more she thought about it, the more it made her feel warmed through. Impulsively, she gave Xie Lian a hug. “That’s really sweet of you, to be willing to talk about that with me. I know that probably isn’t a time in your life you like to relive, having your powers gone and being alone. Thanks, Xie Lian.”
“…Right.” Xie Lian patted her rather awkwardly on the back. “I mean, that too. Anything you want to talk about.”
***
He Xuan regretted the whole thing as soon as the first guests arrived.
Of course they were annoyingly punctual. Xie Lian was genuinely smiling, and Hua Cheng was wearing his most annoying ghost king finery and a horrible smirk.
They were all standing on the beach. The guests had been instructed to arrive there, so that they could be shown the new path up to the house. It made He Xuan feel even more awkward, standing in the open air next to Shi Qingxuan, unable to seek a convenient corner or shadow to melt into.
Hua Cheng swept his eyes over the pair of them as Shi Qingxuan welcomed them to the gathering. “Thank you,” he said to her. “I’m sure this will be a nice evening. What a nice couple you two make.”
Fuck off, He Xuan said automatically. Hua Cheng’s smile widened even further.
Shi Qingxuan’s own smile turned a little quizzical, but she only nodded and said, “I’m glad you could make it. I wonder when—”
She was cut off by a commotion, as Mu Qing and Feng Xin came through their array right behind where the other two guests were standing. Feng Xin knocked into Hua Cheng as he righted himself on the sand and looked around. He Xuan winced.
“Watch it,” Hua Cheng snarled. “It’s a whole beach and you had to land right here?”
“It’s not like it was intentional,” Feng Xin began. Shi Qingxuan stepped forward and laughed in her nervous way that instantly reminded He Xuan of awkward situations past.
He hadn’t heard her make that sound in a long time. He couldn’t figure out how this made him feel, that it had been absent, that he’d felt such a stab of recognition. He was so busy pondering this that he barely absorbed the sounds of Shi Qingxuan greeting the new guests and inviting everyone to head up the beach to the house for dinner.
He followed her and the rest of them in silence as they passed briefly under the trees and emerged on the threshold of his house.
Shi Qingxuan hesitated at the door, and shot He Xuan a look behind Xie Lian’s back. There was a little frown line between her eyebrows. His first urge was to smooth it out. With his fingers. But he knew she was trying to ask permission before continuing as de facto host – they’d had many conversations about that, where Shi Qingxuan politely offered not to overshadow He Xuan in his own home.
As if he could have cared. He waved her on to continue. She nodded and invited the others inside.
***
All in all, Shi Qingxuan thought the dinner was going as well as she could have expected. He Xuan was quiet, but answered when spoken to; Xie Lian was pleasant; Hua Cheng was managing to land somewhere in the realm of not-quite-impropriety.
The only problem, surprisingly, was the two generals.
This was the problem: Shi Qingxuan could not figure out what the fuck was going on with them. When He Xuan had told her that Mu Qing was bringing Feng Xin as his plus one, it had nearly bowled her over. And putting that together with how Feng Xin had come to pick up the invitation in Mu Qing’s place, and Shi Qingxuan had come into this dinner party with the objective of figuring out what this relationship even was anymore. Was it possible they were actual friends now?
Could they even be…more than that? It felt too absurd to consider. But they’d showed up together, coming through the same array in a way that just seemed to have a vibe.
So, she began keeping a scoreboard as the dinner got underway.
In favor of the theory that there was something additional going on:
- When they all walked up to the table, Feng Xin sat down first, and Xie Lian gestured Mu Qing towards the spot next to him. Suspicious.
- Mu Qing did not protest at this. Very suspicious.
- A lot of the small talk anecdotes that each of them mentioned throughout the dinner involved each other. Even if not specifically, it was implied. Feng Xin would be talking about a hunting trip and say “we” when describing the events, and a few minutes later, Mu Qing would relate a story about Feng Xin running into some problem in a village that sounded like a very similar location.
In opposition to the theory:
- They did not touch each other, or even seem to look at each other too long. Both were fairly stiff, actually.
- Neither Xie Lian and his big mouth or Hua Cheng and his gloating mouth had actually said anything affirmative, when Shi Qingxuan would have assumed their aforementioned mouths would give it away immediately.
- While she hadn’t been privy to heaven’s gossip, she had heard from Xie Lian about the mountains of self-improvement everyone was working on, so maybe this was just part of that??
Evidence that was inconclusive:
- Hua Cheng kept looking at the two of them and smirking. But then again, he smirked at everyone, so it was hard to differentiate.
- He Xuan had not been surprised by the two of them coming together, and had rather seemed to expect it. However, it could also be that He Xuan did not care very much.
- While they weren’t touching each other, they did have a certain…ease about the way they moved around each other. Mu Qing’s sleeve shifted once, coming dangerously close to trailing in his food, and Feng Xin adjusted it out of the way without fuss. Feng Xin looked around the table and Mu Qing grabbed the sauce he was about to ask for before he said anything. They moved like people who spent a lot of time in each other’s company. Which wasn’t exactly new, but they looked like they took meals together, which was.
However, Shi Qingxuan only recognized this behavior after she said “He Xuan-” and he handed her the salt before she could finish her sentence. And they were like this because they sort of almost lived together, not for any romantic reason, so perhaps Mu Qing and Feng Xin were similarly repairing bridges and becoming good friends.
Shi Qingxuan was still holding the salt, a little lost in thought over her last point, when Xie Lian interrupted.
"You're looking so well these days, Former Lady Wind Master," he said. She looked up and he was smiling at her. Actually, the whole table was looking at her, and the two generals looked a bit uncomfortable? That was weird. She opened her mouth to protest at the title, but paused, mulling over the way it sounded in conversation like this, almost liking it. It felt deceptively deferential, a dull fishhook caught on her lip.
"It feels like longer ago," Feng Xin added, gesturing across the table. Shi Qingxuan felt a little spark of triumph, at that. Because she had picked her garments and her hairstyle to harken back to easier days. She'd worn something like this look to an autumn banquet at least two decades ago. Not precisely the same, but close enough to tug at one's memory.
She wasn’t sure she could say precisely why she’d done it. It was a selfish act, certainly, trying to evoke something that was gone. Maybe that was the reason she’d done it. Selfishness came easy.
Feng Xin continued, "if it weren't for those gills, Lord Black Water, it would almost be like nothing had changed."
"Everything has changed," He Xuan said, voice like cracking ice.
"Right, but I just meant—"
"Take that foot out of your mouth before we have to watch you choke on it," Hua Cheng said. "I don't care to have my dinner spoiled."
The group lapsed into silence again for a moment.
"Change is good," Xie Lian said. "None of us would be here, if we hadn't been able to change."
Shi Qingxuan thought his glance lingered on his two friends, and that Mu Qing tensed briefly. And she could have sworn that Feng Xin’s finger brushed the back of his hand.
She added this to her list.
"Yes, Dianxia is right," Feng Xin agreed, doggedly plowing ahead despite Hua Cheng’s words. "And I know you've had a lot of change, Former Lady Wind Master. We've heard you even have new friends in the city."
Shi Qingxuan almost said, heard from who, before Mu Qing snapped, "what is this 'we.' Some of us don't partake in gossip." He glanced at Shi Qingxuan and added, almost as an afterthought, "no offense."
Shi Qingxuan was wordless as she tried to compute three things at the same time.
First, Mu Qing’s rebuke to Feng Xin was a point against her theory, sounding as it did like their relationship as she'd always known it.
But second, Mu Qing had been looking, not at Feng Xin, but at He Xuan as he'd said it, which made no sense. Had it not been a real scold after all, but some kind of...performance? To what end she couldn't guess, but she mentally added an asterisk to the point she'd just awarded.
(Third was how to respond to Mu Qing’s insult at her, which was just so unnecessary. One could not help if one's lot in life was to be the life of a party and the happy messenger of the most interesting social stories.)
He Xuan said, "I don't see how Shi Qingxuan’s life is the business of anyone at this table."
"I don't--" Shi Qingxuan started.
"Including yours?" Hua Cheng asked, smirking across the table.
Feng Xin muttered "oof" under his breath and then instantly turned red. Mu Qing elbowed him in the arm, and Xie Lian moved like he was going to say something. Shi Qingxuan realized with instant clarity that there was a high likelihood that every single one of her guests was currently holding at least two separate conversations within spiritual arrays and burned with a sudden injustice at being left out.
He Xuan’s chin jutted out in a haughty sneer that Shi Qingxuan hadn't seen in a long time. "My own actions, and their consequences, go without saying. But I don't feel the actions - or, rather, the lack of actions - of this group have been fully examined. Is it typical practice for the gods of heaven to leave one of their own, freshly fallen into unfortunate circumstances, to work through them and survive or not on her own?"
There was a brief silence.
"Excuse me, esteemed Scholar He," Shi Qingxuan said. "May I be permitted to say something about my own life or are you going to have this debate without me?"
His mouth gaped like the horrible insolent fish that he was. Good. She did not wait for a response but went on, "I don't blame any of these people for what happened after you left me in that city. That had nothing to do with them, and if I went after everyone who didn't help me when I needed it, I'd never stop.”
He Xuan only flinched at her.
It was enough for now.
She turned and looked down the table. "I don't blame any of you," she said again. "And I hardly even think about the two generals in any capacity."
He Xuan made a coughing noise that she knew by now meant he had held in a laugh. He was not allowed to do that yet; she saved it for later.
“I fight my own battles these days,” she finished. “It’s important to me that you know that.” Well, she didn’t care one way or the other if they all knew it. But being without a spiritual array left one with more limited communication options.
***
Later, dinner finished and guests departed, He Xuan found her on a bench in the unfinished garden.
"I was thinking of heading to bed soon," she said, not eager to hear his apology.
But he surprised her, as he so often did now. “I know,” he said. “I know you don’t need me to fight anyone for you. It awes me, honestly.
“Having people here again, it made me think about things I do not like to think about. And that came out in ways I wish it hadn’t. I am sorry.”
"Fortunately for you then, I think your list of possible guests ends after tonight's group."
He looked almost stricken at that. “I didn’t mean – you can have more people over, you can have anyone over – my feelings are for me to manage—”
She laughed openly. “Ok, He Xuan, I am not trying to manage your feelings, I was just teasing you. Thank you for your apology. Sit down and look at the stars with me.”
Now he looked somewhat embarrassed. And he hesitated for a moment. She held out a hand to him, and when he still didn’t move, she grabbed his and tugged him down next to her.
“You awe me, too,” Shi Qingxuan said after he’d settled. “I guess that’s always been about the long and short of it.”
He Xuan just looked at her with an expression that was absolutely unreadable. Which made her itchy.
“Now’s the bit where you’re supposed to say, ‘I can’t believe that’s true with the way you used to act,’” Shi Qingxuan said, because someone had to say something.
He Xuan gave a dry sort of laugh. “I was just thinking that awe is a very apt word,” he said. “You know. Versatile.”
She smiled. “Speaking as a scholar, of course.”
He wasn’t done. “Sometimes I am so full of awe I am afraid of losing myself.”
He was still looking at her. Shi Qingxuan had no idea what to say next and so, in old habit, cast around for something else to talk about, and that was when she realized He Xuan was still holding her hand.
She said, before she had time to think about it, “I suppose you can keep it,” and wriggled her fingers. And then she blushed, horrifically, as she heard the words leaving her mouth. And thought about them and how stupid they sounded.
He Xuan looked down at her hand in his own. And quietly, considerately, he turned it over, raised it to his mouth, and kissed the tips of her fingers. Then he folded it gently back into Shi Qingxuan’s lap and, letting go, said, “thank you.”
Shi Qingxuan said, "hey, what?" Her voice sounded too loud in her own ears.
He Xuan’s eyes snapped back to hers. He looked terrified.
They both jumped off of the bench. He Xuan leapt backward with an agility that was almost funny, if she had been paying attention enough to notice.
Shi Qingxuan managed a mangled sentence about needing to go to bed. He Xuan only said “yes, right, of course, me too.”
They left the garden in different directions, neither of which actually led to their respective bedchambers.
***
He Xuan did not go to sleep that night. He went to his library and tried to absorb enough words to fill up his brain and leave no room for anything else.
Shi Qingxuan found him there at dawn.
“Good morning,” she said. His head jerked up. She stood in the doorway. She’d changed clothes, but she looked like she’d fallen asleep with makeup on her face. But she seemed her normal self. Not angry at him, or wary. Even a little cheerful.
He had no idea why she hadn’t left that evening. It had bothered him all night.
“I’m going to go back to the city now,” she said. “You know. See the friends. Tell them that it was not a disaster. Disappoint some betting pools.”
He Xuan said, “that’s fine.”
Shi Qingxuan hesitated, and his stomach dropped – and then she said, “Are Mu Qing and Feng Xin, like, together?”
“Yes,” said He Xuan, relieved.
“Oh.” She frowned. “And you knew?”
“Unfortunately.”
“And you didn’t tell me? He Xuan!!” She marched a few steps into his library, in front of his desk, and folded her arms.
She was pouting at him. It was cute. “I was sworn to confidentiality,” He Xuan said.
“Ugh.” Her arms dropped back to her sides. “I supposed that means you won’t tell me any more details.”
“It does.” He laughed as she continued to scowl. “You could probably ask Xie Lian, though. Or Hua Cheng, if you don’t mind your gossip coming with a heavy dose of disdain.”
“Well, alright then. I’ll be going now.” She paused for a moment, and then leaned over and kissed him, breeze-light, on his cheek.
He Xuan was still frozen as Shi Qingxuan trotted out of his library and, turning at the door to beam back at him, said, “we’re even now.”
He Xuan managed to make it to the door when she was halfway down the hallway. “Uh,” he called after her.
She looked back and raised her eyebrows in a question.
“Thanks for the party,” he choked out. She waved.