Chapter Text
Sieun can't believe he's in love with an idiot. Even more idiotic is that he's feeling a lot more relaxed after being called “boyfriend”.
There's a certain delight in it that he still doesn't quite know how to define and deal with. So he just keeps looking at Sooho like he's going to disappear. As if he were a lie, as if he had just made it up for his own good. But Sooho stands there, right in front of him, acting like everything he does is worthy of that smirk.
That wicked smile. That smile that enchants.
Sooho leans in slightly and Sieun feels that he is going to be kissed, when suddenly the other turns his body upright and says:
“Let's eat, Sieun-a.” He holds Sieun's hand and then lets go, going to the other side of the table to sit.
Sieun is sure he was teasing him. And it will go on all night. It was typical of him. He would do something like this once.
Even before Sieun opens the package of his food, Sooho asks:
“And then? When was it?”
Sieun gets slow with his hands now that he's trying to decipher what Sooho was asking about.
“What?”
“We're dating, aren't we?” Sooho waits for Sieun to agree. “And you like me, don't you?” Sieun just looks at him hoping to understand what he really wants to know. “When did you find out you liked me?”
Sieun listened and immediately popped a large portion of noodles into his mouth. Sooho didn't seem to mind waiting for him to finish.
“I don't know.” He replied with his mouth still half full.
“Sieun-a, I'm curious.” He makes a pissed off face, which is actually almost comical. Sieun had seen it before and it almost made him smile at the memory. “When was it? When were you going to throw a chair at me?” He made fun of it, but it wasn't that much fun.
“No.” Sieun says seriously, deciding not to remember in that conversation that Sooho punched him in the mouth.
A peculiar start to a relationship.
Even more peculiar to think that the punch helped him more than it hurt him.
“Come on, tell me.” Sooho insisted, along with sounds of snarling and denial that made Sieun get shy.
“You say it first.”
“It wasn't on any special day.” He starts, moving his hands together. Then he pauses and smiles. “I always noticed you, but I never had the opportunity to talk to you because you always had headphones on and I didn't know what to say. I spent days thinking how stupid I was that day I ordered water, when I made the wrong delivery and ended up here.” He shook his head and maintained a shy smile, as if it really was something to be ashamed of. “You're cute and that sappy stuff, and I was so, so curious about you.”
Sooho perks up remembering those moments and Sieun starts to get embarrassed by them, so he lowers his head and pretends to be focused on mixing the noodles into the sauce. But it was impossible not to watch Sooho from the view between his eyelashes, impossible because he had this magnetic force. He couldn't take his eyes off him.
Cute and that sappy things , Wandered through Sieun's mind.
“Sometimes I rehearsed some cool things to show you when I had the chance, and today I know that they were all stupid and that you wouldn't be surprised by any of them.” Sooho continues. “I wanted to die too when you beat me at snooker, and when you looked at me the way only you do, which makes me weird and a little funny, and when you went in my place in the ambush.”
Sieun raised his head at the end, very surprised by the mention of the incident, they never brought it up. Not so directly.
“Your time.” Sooho remembers.
Sieun has no idea how to craft something good after what he heard.
How does one notice these things? How could anyone put such an event into words? He was not a poet, could not write verses and could not recite one. Sooho wanted a declaration of love? Sieun only had his truth.
“I think… it's always been you.” He tries, low. Not sure if he was making sense. His gaze drops to the plate and then to the chopsticks in his hand. When did it happen? How did things end up with the two of them at this table talking about beginnings? When did he suddenly have someone? “Since the first time. At home, at school, and at the restaurant after the fight.” I guess I just needed to look at you , was what he meant.
Sieun doesn't have much to say as it just happened. One day he woke up and was in love, felt it in the dark of his room, or on the road lit by the back of Sooho's motorcycle. He felt it while studying, and while taking walks alongside Sooho. He could feel it when he ate freshly microwaved food, and when Sooho put a package in his mouth. He felt when they were apart, felt when they slept next to each other.
It was something that was simply there in his chest, in his body, in his mind, and even though it was something so simple, it turned everything on himself, because now he was no longer the same.
And Sieun could never imagine that something like this would happen to him.
How did he happen to have someone?
“Are you saying you've always liked me?” Sooho asks, not a hint of arrogance in his voice. He wasn't looking to brag or make Sieun respond just to feel a certain victory or score points in an imaginary game. No, he wanted to know because he wanted to understand Sieun's side and what it was like for him.
“There's nothing I don't like about you” Sieun doesn't answer with words, because his eyes say it, and Sooho can hear it.
The mood at the table gets charged, but that's because of the intensity that now hangs over them.
“It was your birthday. You would do the same for me.”
As much as he wasn't answering any questions, Sieun couldn't ignore what was said before.
“I would do it.” Sooho agrees. And at the same time he remembers the consultation with the psychiatrist.
Why? Because he couldn't help but side with Sieun, it's like he knew where he was supposed to be. As if for the first time he knew where he wanted to be.
It's been through the lives of some and all were just people coming in and about to leave. But Sieun felt concrete, solid ground, even if he carried a sea in him.
Sooho is fluid, Sooho is water, and he's found himself flowing everywhere since he met Sieun.
He ran along when Sieun went after danger. And he wouldn't need a thousand reasons. Sooho would do it twice without thinking.
He can't explain himself, he usually doesn't like people, but he loves them so much to the point of never putting himself first.
Is it wrong to protect? Is it wrong to take your place? Is it wrong when you do something knowing it will hurt you?
Because he's making decisions that nobody but him understands. And finding the consequences is more than enough.
He got his lesson, there is a certain limit to devotion. But there is no guilt in the name of passion. He would not be the first to die for love and justice .
In other words, he would have done the same for Sieun, and that realization came when he was still in the hospital thinking about everything.
If that passion has that level of loyalty, then can we call it love?
Something like that is scary.
Does Sooho need a few more years? Some more damage? Any more plans? More routine, more coexistence, more touch, more patience? For he lived with Sieun 50 years in 5 days.
And he proves his theory today, on that same day he went from almost hugging to kissing, from silence to confessions. From friends to lovers .
Skipping straight to the “together” step, feeling like he made that choice the first time he laid eyes on Sieun.
“You are silent.” Sieun can't stand the strange way that a few seconds of the other being quiet suffocates him. He was used to it.
“I'm thinking of you.”
It was supposed to be romantic, but Sieun thought Sooho was counting the downsides of it all.
“Thinking about what?”
“Thinking I'd like to have a picture of you in my wallet. What do you think?”
Sieun really wasn't expecting such a response and wasn't prepared to hear all the pathetically mushy things Sooho was capable of saying and doing. For now, he was still surprised, for now, it bewildered him in a way that made him swerve and not keep him abreast.
“Absolutely not.”
However, his body shook voraciously and connected all parts of his brain in an intense current of pleasure. All of this made him feel alive, like never before. And even though he still didn't have the breath to return the same heat he was emanating from his pores, it was red, Sooho's favorite color.
Color Sooho loves to see on Sieun's cheeks.
It was late, the two had already finished eating and were cleaning the table while talking about what they were going to do over the weekend.
Sooho used the word “date” a few times, Sieun understood the implications of it as romantic and classic, having no idea that Sooho was that kind of guy.
But of course he is. Sooho gave him a finger heart in less than half a dozen words exchanged. It was the same one who checked his injuries, traded his kimbap for full meals and who insisted on putting the helmet on his head as a kind of tradition. Sooho was that guy all along.
If Sieun let him, Sooho would take his backpack from that day on, it would be his ride, all he had to do was call. He was devout as a Christian, loyal as a wolf, and would accompany to hell if you doubted it.
Also, an angel .
Sieun didn't know if he deserved all this, his personality put people off, and sometimes he thinks that could happen to Sooho too. Today love, tomorrow contempt.
He still thinks he won't be able to repay the same care, he has nothing to rely on. If he was able to get Sooho to feel him, would that be enough?
Sieun doesn't know how to express himself very well, nor talk about his own things. Is he being pessimistic or does this have everything to go wrong?
Anyway, all those doubts were blocked the moment Sooho wrapped one of his arms around Sieun, once again that night, as he did when he arrived, but now he doesn't hug him, he keeps his face very close to the other and smiles.
Sooho smiled as if loving was actually very simple. As if he had no doubts about their relationship.
Sooho wanted him and was there having him. It was the only thing that mattered for now.
“Goodnight.” He says, sounding like a don't worry .
Sieun feels by the air that comes out of his mouth and reaches his ears that that tone is sweet, which was used a few times between them. Usually their interactions are too casual, a little too sentimental, sometimes overbearing, but right now, there's this new Sooho who whispers and sighs, who sends a secret code that only the two of them can decipher.
There's this new Sooho who's quite comfortable kissing him on the corner of the mouth, in a goodbye, and there's no sweetness in the world that Sieun doesn't notice the teasing.
“I can get used to this.” Sooho smiles like a child and goes through the door running away with Sieun's peace.
Sieun would run miles to get it back. But no more than to kiss him again.
It was a dilemma.
Sieun's father didn't come back that night, the flight was canceled at the last minute and the next one was two days away. It wasn't a surprise really.
The good news is that Sooho could spend the night at home after the… date.
The two went to the movies, with popcorn, sodas, chocolate, and everything. Sieun spent the entire movie waiting for Sooho to do something, anything. He was so attentive to everything that when their knees touched, he imagined it was premeditated, Sooho did it on purpose. That could just be it! But he only realized that not when right after that 'chance', Sooho felt more comfortable leaning his arm on the backrest and playing with the jeans of his pants, as if he hadn't been acting strange all night.
Sooho was so nervous that he didn't even think about how “distant” he was most of the movie. He only realized that they hadn't touched once when their knees touched accidentally.
When he noticed that Sieun didn't care about that at all, because yes, Sooho likes to identify the things that Sieun likes and doesn't like, he thought maybe it was good to approach. In his way.
Sooho could have secretly taken Sieun's hand. He could have made some excuse to whisper in his ear. But not.
His hand went down, finding Sieun's thigh, near the knee, where there was the wear of the jeans. It was exactly where his hand stayed until the movie ended. It was where he found comfort and got rid of nervousness.
On the way home he was as loose as a butterfly, he even played with Sieun's chin when he took off his helmet.
Still, even though he wanted to, he couldn't take the initiative to take Sieun's hand, and act like boyfriends on an ordinary date. The two walked side by side and he had a few minutes to the house to do it, but he didn't and he regretted it.
He watched Sieun walk around the house and make the bed he would sleep in, and during that time he thought “shit, I'm really in love”, nothing he hasn't noticed before, just something he suddenly feels overflowing in him. Sometimes it happens. There are days when he spends all day with Sieun and everything is quiet and peaceful, too caught up in the moment to realize that his heart has made the choice, and there are others where he is fighting with every last thought of his not to say those three words. Because everything gets too urgent, too wild, and he has to fight back the urge to be so brave.
Sieun was very oblivious to how in love Sooho was, Sooho is sure of that.
“I wanted to know, what do you think when you look at me?” Sooho can't believe he said that out loud.
The two were in the kitchen, a little after 11 pm, after taking a shower, drinking water to go to bed.
Sieun sipped his water and didn't expect such a question, in fact, none that Sooho asks, and he was already starting to think that Sooho's goal is exactly to catch him by surprise.
He could return the question with “what do you mean?”, “why do you want to know?”, but it was one of the few opportunities he had to provoke him with something that would rob him of his peace the same way he robs his own.
“I can tell you.” Sieun replied, as if it was no big deal. His glass of water hits the stainless steel sink, and his wet mouth is wiped with the hem of his sweatshirt. Sooho watched the scene like a movie and waved him on. “But for that I would have to kill you after.”
A little morbid for its background, but it made Sooho purse his lips and burst out laughing.
“I hope with love.” Sooho says before kissing Sieun, in a quick reflex of desire and affection.
He continues to do this with the naturalness of at least 1 year of dating. Sieun reciprocates as if that was also natural for him and so they begin to kiss harder.
One of those kisses that doesn't have time to end, because the two are in the mood to never leave. It was too good not to think about anything else, too good that current of energy that went up your spine, feeling like being on a swing, with your feet off the ground, thinking you're floating .
It was like having hands move from your back to your waist, from your hips to your stomach. Sieun isn't used to any of this, not even his stomach tightening and his breath failing.
They lips apart, but they can't stop. A light kiss is deposited on Sieun's cheek, another on his chin.
Sooho stops when he notices Sieun with his eyes closed, enjoying it, and trusting him “blindly”.
When Sieun sees Sooho watching, his half-open mouth closes and then moistens with the tongue.
Sooho caresses his face with his fingertips and laughs. A nasal laugh that Sieun could feel from being so close.
“What?” Sieun asks, his voice serious and low.
Sooho swears he couldn't get any more in love than he already is.
“It's not fair how pretty you are.”
Sieun doesn't know how to react. Pretty was never an adjective they used to define him, he never thought much about physical appearance either, especially his.
Now that Sooho has spoken, his self-awareness stretches and certain topics he never considered cross his mind. The view he has of own body, his skin, his features, even his body temperature compared to the other.
Think where Sooho is touching, what Sooho is seeing when he looks at him. And, what does Sooho think when he sees me ?.
And further, the thought broadens and encompasses Sooho, as he noted his broad back and athletic build, never being a focus to which he paid so much attention.
Only now, at this very moment, Sieun is paying close attention, and he uses his memory to reach conclusions.
Sooho always looked warm, merely being next to her meant being warm. This comes from the proximity, the touch he made when he wanted contact, him being this energetic and naturally warm person. Of him being the one who held your hand, the one who's holding him now.
Every physical contact generated energy, and now Sieun is questioning himself:
Sooho finds me attractive? Sooho likes it when he touches me? When do I touch it? Does he kiss me with the same desire that I kiss him? Does he want to feel my skin too? Does he also have the feeling that he is being sucked in and loaded at the same time?
Sieun was silly, silly because he could draw a sketch of Sooho's face. The length of his eyebrows, the shape of his lips, how straight his jaw was held tight with that perfect chin.
Did that kind of memory also come with being in love? Or was he just a teenager?
“Why are you saying these things?” Sieun had noticed how Sooho doesn't take the word “pretty” out of his mouth. He repeated it a few times, and Sieun always missed it. Was he some joke now?
Sooho tilts his head with a mischievous smile.
“Like that, just like that, still, without expression, without making an effort, the most pretty boy I ever saw.”
The two don't break eyes for a while, Sieun just tries to accept that Sooho was mocking him, and then he kisses him, in a rude interruption of what he was about to say.
The kiss took place gently, one palm between his shoulder and neck, the other on his waist. Sooho seemed to really enjoy holding it there. So much so that when his hand moves, and unintentionally, makes Sieun's sweatshirt go up, he sneaks up and stays right there underneath.
Ah, it was good to feel, to be touched, not knowing how to put it into words or sounds, the feeling of being wanted . And maybe attraction is a language, because that's all Sieun manages to convey as he kisses Sooho's mouth.
No breaks, no time. But in a loving way, so that they could keep up with each other.
Of course, the end comes at some point, and now that they started with that closeness, Sooho couldn't keep his hands off Sieun.
There's no more kissing, but his hands keep finding his boyfriend's pretty face.
“You too.” Sieun says very softly, almost as if he didn't want to be heard, but that was impossible. Sooho was still only inches away. His mouth was still blowing air over him. “I mean, you're handsome.”
Sooho is the happier boy, because Sieun said something he wanted to hear, and now he had ammunition for ridiculous jokes.
“I say you're beautiful like angels flying over the evening sky, and you say I'm hot? Wow, what a duality.”
Sooho laughs at his own “joke”, leaving Sieun delighted with its lightness.
“Do not be stupid.”
“I can't help it, and the smart one here is you.”
If they continued from there, with the same simplicity, they would last the rest of their lives together, even if they meet in the next one.