Chapter Text
Dad was scared of his little brother, Alfred could see it in his eyes. Alfred didn't understand why, though. It's true his twin didn't always understand things like when to be sad, or when to be happy, but that wasn't Mattie's fault! And just because Alfred fought with Mattie all the time didn't mean he hated his brother! Alfred fought with Mattie because he loves his brother, and he just wants Mattie to understand. But Dad doesn't understand at all.
Alfred notices it first. Dad's nicer to him, believes his side more easily, hugs him more often, spends more time with him. Dad doesn't like to listen to Mattie, he doesn't believe him, and he doesn't like to touch Mattie either. And at first Alfred is proud of it. He knows it's not because Mattie is a bad kid, it's not his fault, so it must because Alfred is amazing! He's cool, and strong, and fights off bullies and doesn't wet the bed as much as Mattie, so he's the favourite!
It's not till after Alfred regrets telling Mattie that. Because Mattie looks so sad and hurt that Alfred immediately takes it back.
"Wait! No, Im sorry, Mattie! I didn't mean it! Dad just thinks I'm better is all!"
It's not the words he means to say, he means that Mattie is cool, just not as cool as him, but the harm is done. Mattie screws up his face and looks really angry, the same cold scary angry face he made when he purposefully threw Alfred's favourite toy to the neighbours dog once or when he tried to hold a bullies head underwater till Dad pulled him off.
"You're a meanie and a Liar!" Mattie shouts, "and you smell like poop! I hate you!"
And all attempts at peacemaking are lost.
Maybe that's what prompts the nightmare that night. Alfred dreams that he and Dad are at the beach, and Mattie's there too, building a sand castle. And then Dad scoops up Alfred and begins to walk away as fast as he can, and Alfred tries to protest that they've forgotten Mattie! They've left him behind! But Dad is shushing him and he can't speak and -" Alfred wakes up crying and he's not the only one.
Mattie's crying so hard Alfred can't even hear what he's trying to say, but he thinks he knows. The twins usually think things kinda the same, and have dreams that are kinda the same. But Alfred doesn't know how to make everything less scary, so he takes Mattie's hand and leads him to find the one person who does: Dad.
But Dad doesn't understand. He grabs Alfred as soon as he hears him crying, and Alfred can only cling to his dad, the disjointed feeling of comfort, plus the memory of being held the same way in that terrible nightmare only makes the sobbing worse, and distantly he hears Dad's accusing voice.
"What did you do!"
But Mattie didn't do anything wrong, and he tries to communicate this through hiccups, and Dad immediately hugs him back and tries to soothe him. He's so upset he doesn't notice he's falling asleep again. He's so upset he doesn't realize what's wrong until it's too late. It's only when he wakes up the next morning, curled into his father's side, that Alfred realizes something is wrong. He looks for Mattie, and Mattie isn't there. For a split, horrifying moment, Alfred confuses the nightmare with real life, and he thinks it's really happened, and Mattie really is gone.
Arthur is awake in seconds when Alfed starts bawling again, and it takes some time before he's calm enough to communicate.
"W-want M-M-Mattieee!" He wails through his sobs, "Don-Don't want M-Mattie to be G-gone!"
Eventually Arthur manages to comfort him and promise Mattie is just fine in his room. Alfred blows his nose on Dad's sheets and eyes him suspiciously.
"Why's Mattie there? Mattie's scared! He needs to be here!"
And Dad seems uncomfortable when Alfred points this out. Mattie may be his twin, but he's younger than Alfred, by almost a whole hour - Dad said so! - and Alfred's the big brother, and big brother's gotta hug their little brother when they get scared. Alfred hates to be alone when he's scared, so he knows Mattie hates it too. He can tell he's right when he rushes into their room to confirm his baby brother really is there, and sees the cold angry look in Mattie's eyes.
Alfred knows Mattie only looks this angry when he's scared. Mattie doesn't even get less angry when Alfred hugs him. He doesn't get less angry until Dad hugs him, and Alfred notices how Mattie tries to cling to Dad when he pulls away.
As he gets older, Alfred notices more, but so does Mattie. They both notice their Dad's odd reaction to Mattie, and Alfred thinks it isn't fair. He knows Mattie was wrong to kill that bird, but Mattie didn't know that! He just wanted to know what would happen! And if Dad just explained it was wrong, and not to do it, Alfred knows Mattie would listen, but Dad doesn't explain, he just yells and looks at Mattie like he's a monster, and Mattie isn't a monster, and even though Mattie is crying and feels bad now, Dad doesn't even forgive him. Alfred thinks it's unfair.
It's not Mattie's fault!
Alfred tells Mattie he understands, and he explains to Mattie that it's bad and wrong and he shouldn't do it. Mattie hiccups.
"I didn't mean to be bad!" Mattie tries to explain, desperately, "I was just cur-yus."
And Alfred knows this, but Dad doesn't seem to understand.
And when Alfred knocks over the vase and it breaks (why did they even need a stupid big vase? It didn't even have flowers in it!) Dad yells at Mattie like he did it, even though Mattie didn't do anything but try to help Alfred pick up the pieces that broke. It's not Mattie's fault then either. But when Alfred tries to tell Dad this, Dad pulls him aside and tries to tell him that he doesn't need to cover for Mattie, and if Mattie's threatening to hurt him it's okay, because Dad is stronger, and Alfred feels even worse.
Mattie's never threatened to hurt Alfred - unless they're fighting, but Alfred does the same too, so that doesn't count - but Dad always thinks he is. Alfred thinks he gets why Mattie sometimes causes trouble in purpose. He thinks that if he got blamed for everything anyways, he'd make trouble too, just so it was fair. But Alfred's only seven, and grown-ups don't listen to seven year olds.
At school, a kid falls down the stairs and breaks an arm, and even though no one one says he was pushed, Mattie was there, so Dad corners Mattie when they get home.
"Tell me the truth, Mathew! Did you push that boy down the stairs?"
Mattie looks like he's trying to glare, but the tears welling up in his eyes are getting in the way.
"Why would I push some dumb kid down the stairs? He fell on his own!"
Dad looks like he wants to argue, but stops when he sees Alfred glaring at him.
"Fine. Ill trust you."
It doesn't sound like Dad trusts him.
Later, Alfred asks Mattie in secret.
"He was saying shit about us." Mathew growls Into his pillow, "About how Dad was broke and mean shit about you and he said I was just an extra so that if you even die Dad will have something to show around."
Alfred feels his own blood boil at Mattie's words.
"I would have pushed him too."
Alfred means it. Mattie turns his head enough so he can see Alfred with one eye. "He deserved it."
Alfred knows why Mattie lied to their Dad. Hell, Dad likes Alfred best and even he would lie to Dad. Alfred doesn't tattle. He never does.
It wasn't even Mattie's fault.
Dad doesn't like a lot of the things Mathew likes.
He doesn't like that Mathew likes to play hockey, he calls it a "violent sport". But Alfred plays football, which is just as bad, and Dad doesn't care. Dad also doesn't like that Mattie doesn't cry during sad movies, or that he likes gory slasher movies a lot more, or that Mattie doesn't want to date, even though he's fifteen already.
"I just dont like anyone like that!" Mattie explains, "I don't really get this 'love' thing."
Dad doesn't like that either.
Alfred doesn't know why his Dad is angry at Mattie for that. It's not like Mathew can control his emotions, it's not his fault!
Both Alfred and Mattie get into a lot of fights, but Dad always gets madder at Mattie. Alfred doesn't get it. He knows that Dad is nicer to him because he always ends up with bruises or a bloody nose, but he doesn't get why the fact Mathew doesn't makes Dad mad. Mattie's just better at not getting hit. And yeah, Alfred gets that shoving that guy's head in the toilet and holding it under until he thrashed was really a bit too much, but Dad didn't understand what the guy did to deserve that, or that Mattie was just defending Alfred. He wouldn't listen if Mattie tried to tell him, and even if Alfred tried to explain, Dad didn't care.
"It's not about the fact he did it, Alfred, it's the fact he was laughing!"
Alfred doesn't get it. Mattie doesn't either, but he gets enough that he stops trying to explain, stops trying to defend himself. He learns to lie a lot more, so Dad yells at him a bit less, so they can pretend to get along a bit more. But more and more often, Alfred sees the painfully cold look of anger in Mattie's eyes, sometimes aimed at him, sometimes aimed at Dad, sometimes aimed at everything else. Dad flinches away from that glare, but he doesn't see what Alfred sees. He doesn't see the way that Mattie sometimes opens his mouth like he wants to talk to Dad, or the way his shoulders slump when he snaps his jaw shut and turns away without trying. He doesn't see the incredibly longing look Mattie gives Dad sometimes, like it physically hurts him to not be hugging Dad. He doesn't see the way Mattie gives up without even trying, but Alfred does, and it hurts.
In Dad's eyes, it's always Mathew, everything that goes wrong is Mattie's fault.
Alfred can't makes Dad change, he's tried, and it never works. So Alfred tries to be Dad for Mattie instead. Alfred takes Mattie out to ballgame and hockey games, and practices slapshots with him, Alfred hugs Mattie when he looks down and scolds and teaches him when he messes up. He praises Mattie when he does good or finds something he likes - something that doesn't involve dissecting animals, Alfred's with Dad on that, it's gross and creepy - and Alfred defends Mattie when he's being treated unfairly, and talks to him when Dad yells. It's hard to be a brother and a Father, but Alfred does his best.
He still teases Mattie, and fights with him over stupid things, and bugs him, and sometimes is unfair, but Mattie doesn't mind the same.
One day, Alfred overhears his Dad telling his best friend that Mattie doesn't know how to feel emotions, and that he's cold and emotionless and it makes him scary. Alfred doesn't understand how Dad can be so blind. How can he say Mattie doesn't have emotions when his twin is always so sad and hurt all the time? When Dad is the one who yells at him for losing his temper and getting into fights, when he grins so large when he plays hockey or goes sailing or does something he likes?
How can Dad say Mattie doesn't feel love when his twin loves their dad so much, when he wants their Dad's love so much?
Alfred thinks it would be better for Mattie, maybe, if he couldn't feel emotions or love. Then he wouldn't be able to feel the lack of it he gets from their father, and Mattie wouldn't be so sad and angry anymore.
Mattie's never done anything wrong.
And Alfred notices Mattie begin to change. It starts with a sour mood, and no more smiles. Mattie quits hockey, and Mattie loves hockey. He sails more often, but he doesn't smile anymore when he does. It doesn't look like he's enjoying it. It looks like he wants to sail away and never come back. It makes Alfred's chest tight. And then Mattie seems to shut down, like he's trying to be the cold, emotionless person Dad thinks he is. He doesn't show any emotion, no more fear, no anger, no sadness, just fake calm, all the time. And worst of all, Mattie stops talking to Alfred.
"Mattie, c'mon, talk to me! Tell me what's wrong?"
And Mathew looks at him, and odd mask of some vague emotion that isn't Mattie on his face, and answers like he's fine. "Nothing's wrong, Al. I'm just thinking."
Alfred's not dumb enough to know that's a lie. He pushes.
"About what?"
And for a second, it looks like Mathew might cry, his lower lips trembles a bit, but Mathew forces his face into a stone mask, and shrugs.
"... Sailing." He answers finally, like that wasn't the answer at all, or not the full one, but he won't tell Alfred any more after that, no matter how much Alfred bugs and pleads.
Dad pulls him aside after a few days, and for the first time Alfred thinks he actually may hate his Dad.
"Alfred, I want you to stay away from Mathew for a bit. He's not himself."
Alfred's anger flares.
"What, scared he's going to hurt me?"
And Dad's eyes widen in the way that says "Yes, that's exactly what I'm afraid of, has it already happened?" And Alfred loses it.
"You're always like this! Mattie's never hurt me once, and you always act like he's gonna! I dont know what the hell your problem is, but you've never treated him right, and did you ever think for one moment thst maybe it's YOUR fault he's not himself? I'm not gonna avoid Mattie just because you can't just - because you won't- anyways, Fuck you! I'll do what I want! "
In hindsight, he shouldn't have yelled at his dad. Not because he regretted what he said, but because when he stomped around the corner after their argument, Mattie was there, back pressed against the walls and his fists clenched into balls and a strange, dark look in his eyes, like all the light had gone out. Because now Mattie knew what Dad had tried to tell Alfred. And Alfred hated to hurt his twin.
After that, whatever was wrong with Mathew got worse. He started avoiding Dad, like if Dad didn't see him for long enough, he might start being nicer to Mattie. But worse than that, he avoided Alfred. It almost made Alfred regret having his own room (Dad had got him one as soon as he could, he didn't like that Alfred slept in the same room as Mattie for some reason) because if they still shared a room he'd at least see Mathew at some point.
It felt wrong, like Mathew was trying to remove himself from their family completely, like he was pretending he didn't exist.
"You don't think he'll try to... You know?" Alfred's friend Gilbert asked awkwardly, making a crude motion of slashing his wrists.
And then Alfred had a new fear. Mattie had alway been extreme, he didn't do things "just a bit" or "in moderation". If you pissed Mattie off, he'd try to land you in the hospital (family excluded), and if he wanted to do something, he'd do it, and do it perfectly. And if Mattie was hurt bad enough -
Alfred didn't know what he'd do, but he was scared to find out.
Then one day he did.
Mattie's not home when Alfred gets back from school, but he's often missing when Alfred looks for him. But for once, Arthur knows where he is.
"Your brother went down to the boat," Arthur replies to his ritual querie, "He said something about sailing."
And something about that makes Alfred's blood go cold. He can't help but remember Mattie's face the last time he went sailing. Like he wasn't planning to come back. Alfred turns around and darts out of the house after his brother.
"Where are you going? Don't tell me you were going to go without me?"
Mattie doesn't jump at Alfred's voice, almost like he expected it, but he looks at Alfred with a terrible expression that's almost a mix of grief and dread. Something bad solidifies in Alfred's chest. He doesn't want to think about what his twin's expression means.
"I'm going sailing. Alone. " Mathew stresses, staring Alfred down, and his eyes look like he's begging Alfred not to come.
No, nope. Not happening. Alfred doesn't know what Mathew's got planned, but he can tell he's in a bad place mentally, and he's not letting his little brother go anywhere alone like this. Alfred pushes onto the boat.
"Of course you are. And I'm coming too!"
Mattie only sighs, like he knows arguing is useless. He unties the boat and clibs aboard, setting everything up, but he's acting strange. Shifty. When he buckles his life vest on, he shoots Alfred a few pointed states, which Alfred ignores, and then finally bursts out - "You really should put a life vest on" - and then scowls at his own words, like he hates the fact he said it. His little brother is so anxious, Alfred almost caves and puts on the vest Mathew shoves at him, just to calm his nerves. Almost. Alfred's aversion to lameness and the dumb way his twin looks in the vest changes his mind.
"Those are for babies! I'm not wearing that it's embarrassing!"
It's not that Mattie's fault, it's just hard to look cool in a puffy yellow and blue life vest. Alfred grins at the hard look Mathew gives him.
Ah, c'mon, You know I'll be fine Mattie! I've always been before!"
Mathew looks like Alfred's words physically pain him.
" ... Sure. If you say so."
"It's true!"
Mattie mutters something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like a shot against Alfred's lack of skill in the water. Okay, he admits it, it's stupid he doesn't know how to swim, but Dad didn't put him in lessons when he was young, and he's too old to learn now, that would look dumb , and besides, they were going to be on the water, not in it! He fake-glares at Mattie.
"Huh? What was that?"
Mathew does not play along, just turns away.
"Nothing."
Alfred's chest feels tighter. Mattie won't even bicker anymore. Something is definitely bad. He's almost grateful when the dark clouds roll in and the waves pick up, because at least it provides a distraction from the stone silence between him and his brother, and the palatable nervousness in Mathew.
"Uh, Mattie? Aren't the waves getting kinda big?"
The large waves are suddenly a lot less welcome, distraction aside, and Alfred tightens his grip on the railing nervously. Mathew stares up at the sky, something hard and resolved in his face.
"Yeah."
And then, in that sickening moment, Alfred knows for sure. Mathew knew the storm was coming. He knew, and planned to go sailing anyways. It wasn't a coincidence. His baby brother wasn't intending to come home from this trip. Alfred's heart felt like it was being squeezed. If he hadn't come-
"Let's go back. Now."
Alfred makes the order, unusually firm, and for a moment, he worries Mathew won't listen. His twin just stays, rocking on the boat that was now dipping more and more dangerously, staring up at the dark sky, for several minutes.
"Mattie, NOW!"
Finally Mattie cracks, looking around wildly like he's trying to plan their next move. Alfred feels a small bit of relief. Mathew couldn't do anything drastic, not with him on board. His Dad might not see it, but Mattie loves Alfred, he would never hurt him. And Alfred doesn't know how to sail, so Mathew had to stay alive, to get them both home safe. After that - a icy wave crashed over the deck, nearly Drowning Alfred and detaching him from his railing - they'd figure something out when they both survived.
The storm quickly escalated. Mathew clambered about the ship from side to side, adjusting ropes and tying back sails and doing other ship-related stuff Alfred didn't really get, but Alfred has other worries. The railing under his hands was either so slick with rain Alfred couldn't get a good grip, or the icy wave had frozen his hands enough they wouldn't grip tight. If he could just get belowdeck-
Another wave crashed down, and the sailboat tipped way too far over for Alfred to feel safe, and he tried to cling even tighter to the rail. Nope, nope, nope, he was not letting go of that railing, no matter what. He suddenly very much regretted not listening to Mathew and wearing that stupid vest. In hindsight, being alive was a lot cooler than not wearing a vest.
The ship lurched again, and Alfred realizes something bone-chilling. His hands are slipping on the railing, and not in the way that has him sliding down. In the way it feels like the whole rail is covered in oil. Alfred can't swim. This is when he actually start to panic.
"Mattie! Help!"
He can barely see his twin through the rain and the salt water on his lashed, struggling with something on the other side of the ship.
"Hold on!" Mathew's voice floats back, almost snatched away from the wind.
That's kinda the issue!" Alfred wants to retort as his fingers slip, but what he actually says is; "HELP! PLEASE, MATTIE, HELP!"
Mattie yells something back, and Alfred's heart sinks when he only catches part of it.
"-Al - sails-"
And with sickening clarity, Alfred realizes what's about to happen. Mathew darts past him, like the boat isn't tossing like a roller coaster, and Alfred tries one more time.
"MATTIE!"
The boat suddenly jerks, and Alfred goes flying into the darkness.
They say your life flashes before your eyes when you're dying. They're wrong. Its just your reasons to live that do.
"Man, how can you suck so bad at Mario cart?"
Gilbert, his best friend Gilbert.
"Sure you can copy my homework, but it's the last time."
His friends at school.
"Alfie, what would I do without you?"
Arthur, his one and only father.
"Al? Why does Dad hate me?"
His poor, broken little brother that doesn't deserve this, that he needs so much.
Alfred fights for the surface. He can't die yet, Mattie needs him!
The waves push him back down.
If only he'd worn the life vest.
He surfaces, briefly, and tries to yell for help, but the water crashed into his lungs.
Mattie!
It hurts so bad.
Alfred's thoughts are in a swirl, a panic, unporportional to his situation.
Air! I need air!
Another short gasp of water and air, and a painful, icy brining in his chest.
God, I can't die! Mattie's gonna blame himself!
But his limbs are feeling heavier and Alfred can't figure out what way is up.
Dad, you'd better not blame Mattie! I'll never forgive you!
He can't hold his breath, his lungs hurt, he gasps in another mouthful, but this time it's only water, and he's dying in a way that hurts worse than he ever knew. He really should have taken swimming lessons.
Dad, you'd better love Mattie from now on. Give him all the love you used to give me.
Alfred stops fighting.
And don't blame Mattie, dad.
It's not his fault.