Chapter Text
Now and then
My mind drifts to a place where I find you
It was strange how liberating it had been to let go. He thought it would have been harder. He thought it would have hurt more to see Phayu but there had been nothing. Nothing but sadness about what they had; about what they could have been.
~ 1 - 3 days - Work
Lost in my head
There are unsolved feelings that haunt me
*
"What's going on Rain. You've been sighing for the last three days."
Rain looked up and found Sky standing next to his desk, his arm crossed. He had this "don't you dare lie to me" kind of look. The one Rain could do nothing about it.
"Can we not talk about it here?"
It was not the right things to say if he took in Sky's look. He didn't want to make him worry.
"It's nothing," he added, "I just want to avoid gossips. That's all."
"Why would there be gossips?"
"Please Sky."
Sky had some hesitation before he nodded and looked at the door. They had still a few hours of work but it looked like his friend would not wait. He wanted answers now and didn't care about work time. To be fair they were both ahead of their work and no one would complain if they took a break. There were perks of being considered seniors of their team.
*
"Now talk."
Rain kept his eyes on his iced coffee. He didn't know how to say it. He was not ready to hear Sky's opinion about this even if he knew his friend will support him.
He had made his mind. He was finally ready to forget Phayu.
"I saw P'Phayu last Tuesday."
P'Phayu.
Even after all these years he was unable to just call him Phayu. The man didn't deserve his respect anymore but he couldn't help it.
"You saw him?"
"He was here, at the firm."
*
It's too late to heal, I'll lay them to rest
*
"But it's okay Sky," Rain added quickly before the other could reply. "I'm okay. I moved on."
"Rain."
"No, don't start with that voice Sky. You are the one who told me I couldn't keep waiting. You are the one always telling me I shouldn't let him hurt me anymore. I'm doing it now. I moved on. The end."
How hard is it to convince the others when you're not convinced yourself? It was the real question here but Rain didn't want to think about it. He took another sip of his iced coffee, looking everywhere but in his friend's direction. He knew he would not like what he saw.
*
How can I move on
When everyone I see still talks about you?
*
"Are you doing something tonight Rain? Sig wanted to check that new bar. It's been some time since we all got out together."
"I'm not sure. I -"
"Don't tell me you have something planned. I know it's a lie."
Rain laughed at this. He couldn't deny. Sky really knew him too well and would not let him wallow in. Not after he told him he had seen P'Phayu.
"I'll think about it, okay? Now we should really go back to work."
He could see Sky wanted to ask something but, at the same time, their boss called him.
"Go, we'll talk later," Rain said.
After one last look, Sky hurried to their boss to know what she wanted.
As Rain was walking back to his desk, a conversation from two of his colleagues caught his attention. He couldn't help but slow down and listen.
"Did you hear?"
"What?"
"They said P'Phayu is back in the country and he was here on Tuesday."
Rain froze. He didn't know how to react. He knew he should ignore them and keep walking. He shouldn't even be surprised about this. Phayu had always been in all the talks. Some things didn't change even after years.
"P'Phayu?"
"What you don't know about P'Phayu? It was this popular architecture senior. Always ready to help his juniors and everyone wanted to work with him."
"So... what happened?"
Rain should move now. He didn't need to hear this.
He couldn't move.
"No one really knows. He just disappeared overnight."
"Rain?"
Rain startled as someone touched his arm. He turned around and saw Malee next to him. She always looked nervous but did a good job for a first internship. He liked how she didn't hesitate to ask questions instead of messing up things.
"Someone at the reception desk left this for you," she said while handing him a simple bouquet of white tulips.
~ 2 - 14 days - At home
How can I move on
When all the best things I have we made together?*
"6 years ago"
Rain could not keep his eyes from his phone screen. The little memories post was dancing in front of his eyes. He had just wanted to check his favorite singer updates. He had been talking about it with Sky all day. There were new tour dates rumors and he didn't want to miss it. How exactly did he end up on this page? He couldn't tell but now that he was seeing it, he didn't want to go back. He could only stare at the pic of him, smiling, in P'Phayu's arms. He could only watch how carefree he used to be. How he had thought they would stay together.
*
Here's to letting go
*
Rain realized it was not his own account showing him this post. It had been shared by P'Phayu. He had never unfollowed the other. At first he had tried to keep every crumbs of the others he could – spending days scrolling through all their pictures together – expecting any update but there had been none. It was just watching a ghost account and he forgot about it.
*
But I am lost in a void with your ghost and our memories
*
"Can we talk?" suddenly appeared in his notifications. It was an unknown number but he knew who it was. He had been recieving them for days now.
"I just want to explain" appeared next.
Rain opened the message this time. His fingers hovered over the keyboard. There were so many things he wanted to say. He wanted to tell him it was too late, to stop messaging him. He wanted to say "yes." He looked at the previous messages. They were all some kind of pleading. Phayu asking to meet. Phayu saying sorry. Phayu...
*
Lest we forget the great reset
*
Even when he had finally decided to move on, Phayu found a way to be there. Never letting him forget.
Rain clicked on block and put away is phone.
~
3 - 116 days – The race
If I could bring you back
There are truths and confessions I'd tell you
*
"You're still mopping?"
Phayu ignored Pai, even when the other let himself fall on the bed next to him. He thought his friend was spending the day with Sky but here he was, back to annoy him.
"You've been back for what, 4 months? And all you've done has been mopping," Pai added.
"I don't mop."
"Call it whatever you want but it looks like it. Your dad is worried about you."
"I'm okay. Just need to get used to be back."
It was a lie, they both knew it. They could both hear the unsaid "near Rain."
"There's a race tomorrow, you want to come?"
He had avoided races since he came back. Pai knew it and here he was asking. There were so many memories linked to them. He wanted to say no. He had no reason to be at the race. He was not working for Pakin anymore and will not be. It was in the past.
"Rain is not coming," Pai added.
"I didn't want to know."
Of course he wanted to know it. All his presents and is messages had been ignored. Everytime he had tried to talk to Rain had failed.
"I'll come get you tomorrow. Don't be late!"
Phayu sighed as Prapai walked out. Who needed enemies when they had friends like Prapai.
*
I'd set things straight
*
Nothing had changed. The race looked the same. Same crowd, same energy. Some old friends greeted him before they got back to their work.
"Are you coming back to work on the bikes?" asked one of them.
"No, I just dragged him here for a night." Prapai said as he appeared out of nowhere. As usual he was wearing his signature jacket as he liked to call it. They kept talking a little before going their separate way.
"Sky is not with you?"
Phayu was surprised not to see him. Lately they were always next to each other. Prapai smiled and told him he would see.
"Here, look! They arrived."
They?
Phayu turned around and his eyes landed on Sky and, next to him, Rain.
*
And I believe that you would love and forgive me
*
If only he had walked to him that night when he saw him at the race. If he had taken the time to explain instead of running away. If he had just accepted to introduce Rain to his family. If - So many what if and no answer.
Rain had seen him. It was obvious in the way he had stopped chatting with Sky and was looking his way.
For a moment Phayu thought he would let him get closer. He just wanted to explain. Even if he let him only one minute to do it, he would manage. And, if after all this, Rain still wanted him gone, he would accept it.
He started to walk to Rain, never looking away affraid he would disappear if he did. Rain didn't move. Phayu could feel hope growing. That hope was gone as fast as it came. There was no emotion in Rain's eyes. He barely aknowledged his presence before he turned to Sky. It looked like he said something and he walked out without a glance for him.
*
I know it's too late, I need to let go
~ 4 - 301 days - Meeting
And how can I move on
When everyone I see still talks about you?
*
Phayu hurried into the building. Traffic had been awfull and he thought he would never make it. He should have taken his bike instead of the car.
He greeted the guards at the door and got into the lobby. He had to get some files before his meeting. There had been last minute changes and they needed the new numbers. Somedays Phayu wondered why he agreed to come back and work for his parents. He could have found a job as a mechanic easily or even reopen his garage. When looking for what had happened exactly after he sold it, he had discovered his Pa was the new owner. He had bought it under a false name and kept it in case Phayu wanted to take it back. He still didn't know what to think about it. There were too many memories in there. Things he was not ready to think about.
*
How can I move on
When all the best things I have we built together?
*
Someone behind him was laughing. He would be able to recognize this laugh anywhere. He turned around and here he was.
Rain.
What was he doing here? It looked like he was in the middle of an explanation about the building structure while avoiding the flirty words of one of the executive. Phayu didn't like that man but could do nothing about him, yet. Rain had to be unaware who exactly this building belonged to or he wouldn't be there. Phayu had tried to request him personnally for other jobs. Every times the same answer: "Sorry Khun Phayu, Khun Rain is unavailable at that time."
The blonde hair suits him well, thought Phayu as he kept watching him from afar.
"Khun Phayu?" a secretary called. "Your father wants to talk to you about the casino. The meeting is about to start."
It would be so easy to walk the few meters separating them.
"Khun Phayu?" insisted the woman. He took his eyes away from Rain to go to the elevator.
*
Here's to letting go
*
"... and we decided to work with an architecture firm for the casino renovation."
Phayu nodded, not really listening to this. He had read the files. He already knew they would work with someone for this project. It was part of their new expansion plan. It was also the reason they had architects making informational tours of the lobby. Very boring corporate work if you asked him but it was not his problem. He just needed to look over the propositions for any defect. He was going to say exactly this when there was a knock at the door.
*
But I am trapped in a void with your ghost and our memories
*
The door opened and representatives of the architecture firm came in. Phayu let out a small gasp when he noticed familiar blonde hair in the middle of the group. Rain had to have heard him because he looked up and froze.
There was tension in the room as Phayu and Rain kept staring at each other. Neither of them seemed to want to talk first. There was a big sigh and Phayu saw his father step in.
"Do you know each other?" he asked, his eyes going from Phayu to Rain.
Rain smiled but Phayu could say it was fake. It didn't reach his eyes. Rain was the first to answer:
"No we don't."
*
Lest we forget the great reset
~ 5 - 478 days - Wedding
How can I sleep with this coldness beside me?
*
"They didn't tell me you'd be here."
Rain wanted to go home. Why didn't he think about this. Of course Phayu will be here for Sky and Prapai's wedding. What was he expecting? Well, not to be stuck with him for the last preparations. He didn't think his friends would do this to them.
"They didn't tell me either" was Phayu's answer.
They looked at each other without adding anything more. Rain closed his eyes, breathed deeply in and out and opened them again. Phayu had not moved. He was waiting for him to say something.
"It's their day," Rain finally said. "We have to make sure it will be perfect. Let's call a truce and I'll go back to hate you tomorrow."
Rain didn't believe his own words. He never hated Phayu and that was the problem. It had became a bigger problem since they had had to work together for the casino. It had reminded him how good they were together; how they knew what the other needed even after so many years.
Rain could see Phayu wanted to talk but it was not the place for this. For a moment he thought he would try all the same but no. Phayu sighed and turned away.
It didn't hurt to see him go like this.
No, it didn't.
Why was it so hard to believe it? Rain pushed away his feelings and put back a smile on his face. It was his best friend's day. Nothing would mess with it.
*
How can I sleep with this coldness inside me?
*
They worked well together.
Rain hated to aknowledge this but it was facts. They completed each other as they always did and, after a few hours of frenetic last minutes changes, Rain found himself leaning on Phayu's decisions. It was easy. Too easy.
It was scary.
*
I know I can't bring back your love
*
How exactly they ended together on the floor of this storage room was a mistery. Rain was so tired of running away. Would it be so wrong to let Phayu explain himself? Maybe the other would finally let him go if he let him have this closure. They both needed it.
"You have five minutes," whispered Rain as he looked away.
Only silence answered him. He looked up and Phayu was still here, not moving. Rain could laugh of his surprised face if he was not tired of the situation.
"I... I don't know where to start," Phayu ended up saying.
"You better find quickly then."
Rain closed his eyes and waited. There was movement and he felt Phayu getting closer.
The other didn't touch him.
"They were going to drag you in this mess. I didn't want to trap you like this," were the words Phayu chose.
Rain wanted to laugh at this. How Phayu had worded his answer and made it look like he had nothing to do with what happened.
"So you took the decision for me?"
He would not get hurt about this. He had time to come to term with it.
"I wanted to protect you."
"And you broke my heart instead."
It was just a statement. There was nothing more behind the words. They both knew it was what happened. What was the point of denying it.
Silence settled back between them. They both knew they were not done talking but it had been the longest they talked in years.
*
How can I move on
*
They were in the middle of the party next time they met. Rain was dancing, barely managing to not spill his drink. How many exactly he already had, he would be unable to say. He bumped into someone. He turned, ready to apologize, but the words died before they were out. Phayu was the one he had just hit. He was so handsome under the lights. Was he real? Rain shook his head. It was not the time to think about it.
"Let's get out a few minute?" Phayu shouted. There was no other way to be heard over the music.
Rain nodded and followed Phayu to the balcony. The fresh air hit him and helped clear his thoughts. What was he doing? He turned around, ready to go back inside but Phayu stepped in front of him.
"Wait, please."
Rain was not sure what made him stay. Maybe it was Phayu's voice or his eyes? It had always been about how Phayu looked at him; as if there was nothing more precious than him.
"Can we talk?"
"What is there to say?"
It was the last shreds of defence he had. He was trying so hard to stay angry but he had less and less reasons to.
"You just have to listen and..." Phayu hesitated, " and if after this you still want me gone, you'll never hear about me. Ever."
Rain nodded and let Phayu talk. With the door of the balcony closed, the music was just background noise. There was only Phayu's voice around him. Rain leaned on the wall and closed his eyes.
He was ready to let Phayu explain.
*
When everyone I see still talks about you?
*
"I'll give you another chance. Don't make me regret it," Rain said after Phayu went silent. He straightened up before adding, "And I want to meet your family."
"Really?"
He was definitely tipsy and would regret it come morning. It was a problem for the future him. At that moment he just knew he missed Phayu.
"Don't make me repeat myself. And now go. I think Prapai has been calling you for the last five minutes and I need to find Sky before he realizes eloping is a better idea than this wedding. Even if it's too late."
~ + 1 - 638 days - Meeting the family
Of course Rain was nervous. He had been all day. What was he supposed to wear? What did you bring when meeting the parents? He never had to think about this before. When he asked Phayu, he had just laughed and said there was no need to bring a present. It was just bad etiquette to come empty handed. Rain at least knew this so here he was with a bottle of red wine, hoping it would be enough.
*
How can I move on
*
"You've been here long?", Rain heard behind him. He didn't have the time to turn that he felt arms around him.
He melted in Phayu's embrace, feeling all his anxious thoughts disappear now that Phayu was with him.
"A few minutes."
Phayu hummed but didn't move yet. He was leaving little kiss on his neck. It looked like he was trying to buy time before they got in.
"Are you... are you sure you want me to meet them?" Rain asked.
He knew they had already talked about it. Phayu had explained everything and he understood why he had done this. It didn't help all the hurt but, at the same time, it had reassured Rain. It was nothing about him. He just needed to meet the people able to make Phayu leave. What was so special about them? Would they do it again? Would Phayu leave him if they told him to?
"Yes I'm sure darling. We talked about it."
*
When all the best things I have we made together?
*
"Wait."
Rain stopped. He looked between Phayu and the main entrance. They were going to be late if they didn't go now. He didn't want to make a bad first impression and knew how important being on time was for P'Phayu.
"I need to ask you something before we meet them."
Rain couldn't help the fear rising in. What was so important now? P'Phayu would never ask him to hide what they are, right? He thought his parents already knew. Did he understand wrong?
He didn't have time to get more anxious that he saw P'Phayu go down on one knee.
No, no, no.
It couldn't be what he thought?
Rain could feel tears welling up as P'Phayu was looking up. He could see all his love for him at that moment. There were no words needed but then, Phayu started to talk:
"I know I hurt you and be sure I'll cherish every day you let me stay by your side. I'll show you how much I care about you and -" Phayu's voice broke on the words. Rain reached for his hand and squeezed him, encouraging him to go on. "I'll show you how much I care about you and you'll want for nothing with me. Please, let me show you everyday until our last days how much I love you."
Phayu took a breath after these words before he finished with: "Rain, will you marry me?"
Rain wanted to give him everything too. He wanted to tell him he knew how much he loved him. Words were not enough to express what he was feeling at that moment. Tears were falling down his cheek and he did nothing to stop them. It would be useless.
He was taking too much time to answer, he realized.
He needed words.
Now.
He could see it in how Phayu's face was closing off. He was trying not to show it but it was obvious. He thought he was going to say no.
"Yes I do. Of course I do! I -" Rain could not say more. He grabbed Phayu, making him stand up and crashed their lips together.
*
Here's to letting go
*
Rain reached for Phayu's hand as he stepped aside. Their fingers intertwined. Rain could not take his eyes apart from the shiny metal on his finger and the little storm engraved on it.
Rain had never thought about rings before. He had had no reason for it.
He could not believe he had said yes and, at the same time, there was no other answer. He didn't see himself somewhere else but by Phayu's side. No matter what happened between them, it was in the past.
*
But I am lost in a void with your ghost and our memories
*
"You're okay darling?" Phayu asked softly.
Rain beamed as he nodded. He didn't have words. He just knew he was happy. He asked for another kiss and melted in Phayu's embrace.
There was a polite cough behind them. Rain felt Phayu sigh and slowly break their kiss. He left another kiss on his forehead before he stepped aside and took Rain's hand.
"Your parents are waiting Khun Phayu."
"Thank you Nop."
Phayu led Rain inside while talking about how his parents would love him. There was no reason for them not to.
Rain nodded but all his attention was on how the light of the house reflected on his ring.
There was nothing more beautiful, except maybe P'Phayu's smile.
*
Lest we forget the great reset!
It was time for new memories.
There were no more ghosts.