Chapter Text
As soon as Atsushi wakes he realizes that he has never been more confused in his short life – excluding when he learned he can transform into a massive white tiger at will.
The familiar white curtains of the agency’s infirmary glow gold in the afternoon sunlight, bathing the room in a peaceful ambiance. White noise ebbs and flows, but Atsushi thinks that’s just in his head. He doesn’t mind, though. Atsushi hasn’t felt this calm in a long, long time.
But despite the way his limbs feel impossibly heavy and peaceful, confusion still takes precedence in Atsushi’s mind. Why on earth is he in the infirmary? Did he get hurt on a mission? Even so…his tiger-healing should have healed him enough to not need Yosano-san’s ability. The last mission he remembers being on…
That peaceful calmness rushes out of his system only to be replaced by the cold memories of his last mission. The deceptively bright stars the night before they attacked…the hate-filled eyes of Haruto Daiki…the sticky sensation of his partner’s blood pooling in his clavicle… If he concentrates, he can still feel the throbbing pain in his leg and the tickle of Akutagawa’s hair where he had been leaning against his shoulder.
If Atsushi weren’t somehow still half-asleep, he’d be vibrating between trying to find his partner or finding a trash can to throw up in…not that he’s eaten anything lately.
“Oh! Good morning, Atsushi-kun~!” Dazai’s sing-song voice startles the weretiger out of his spiraling thoughts and back to the present. His body jerks, now feeling somewhat alive but his mind still feels suspiciously foggy, but if Dazai is here, then nothing truly bad could’ve happened, right?
“Dazai?” Atsushi clears his throat, startled by how rough his voice sounds. Had he been screaming? “Dazai, what happened? Where’s Akutagawa?”
“You can really put up a fight when you want to, huh?” Dazai says instead of answering, coming to sit beside Atsushi’s bed. He doesn’t miss the way Dazai’s hand rests on his bare forearm, ability immediately activating. Atsushi doesn’t question it yet, knowing that his mentor will explain everything in due time.
“What do you mean?” Atsushi finally asks, his mind still feeling unusually sluggish. “Why do I feel so heavy?”
Dazai actually snorts at that. “That would be because Yosano had to inject you with enough sedative to knock out an elephant! Honestly, Atsushi-kun, I’m impressed with your drug tolerance, although it took you nearly seven hours to wake up.”
“What?!” Atsushi’s voice cracks in a way it hasn’t since his voice was changing. At least now he has an explanation for why he feels like he’s lying in a warm cloud of cotton and sunshine. “What happened?”
“Well, what do you remember?” Dazai asks, evasive as ever.
Atsushi takes a moment to answer, trying his best to recall the events of that day. He remembers his mission with Akutagawa…then breaking his leg…then his partner drowning in his own blood while Atsushi could do nothing but watch. The weretiger tries his best to keep himself from demanding to see Akutagawa, but nothing can stop the adrenaline that instantly shoots through his veins.
“Akutagawa and I were on a mission and it went badly…”
“Well, I wouldn’t say it went badly .” Dazai interrupts, only managing to make Atsushi feel worse. “You two did apprehend the target, after all!”
“I guess.” he relents, fidgeting with the thin blanket covering his legs. He can’t help but notice the fact that Dazai’s hand is still resting on his forearm. His grip is loose but deliberate. Atsushi furrows his brow, once again reminded of the question Dazai has yet to answer.
“Wait, why was I sedated?” His head feels a little clearer now, but the lingering drugs in his system still cause his limbs to feel weighed down. “I wasn’t hurt…”
“Well, your leg was broken, but it was already half-way healed by the time you got here.” Dazai’s words still hold a tinge of amusement, but his grip on Atsushi’s arm tightens minutely. “You had to be sedated after you tried to take off Kunikida’s head and nearly ripped out Akutagawa’s collarbone in the back of Yosano’s car. Which, I’ll admit, was a truly admirable effort, but it wasn’t really the right time, ya know?”
Atsushi’s whole world screeches to a halt as soon as those deceptively nonchalant words leave Dazai’s mouth. “I what…?”
“Yeah! Not going to lie, it was quite the display of strength, but you were doing more harm than good so Yosano had to sedate you.” Dazai says as if he’s not shattering Atsushi’s entire plane of existence.
He must notice the horrified look on his protégé's face because he rapidly continues. “Don’t worry about it! We’ve all done crazy things in moments of stress! Besides, Kunikida only holds grudges against me, so you have nothing to worry about.”
“Oh.” Atsushi can do nothing but nod, eyes wide and expression deceptively blank. Despite what Dazai says, Atsushi will have to furiously apologize to Kunikida-san as soon as he sees him…if he can work up the courage to ever face his coworkers again, that is.
But no matter how hard he tries, he can’t quite ignore something Dazai said. “Wait…” Atsushi begins, afraid to get the answer to his question. “Did you say that I ripped out Akutagawa’s collarbone?”
Dazai’s next words do nothing to quell the rising panic and self-loathing in his chest. “No, no, no, but it was a close thing.” Dazai looks at Atsushi in a way he’s never seen before…is that pity? “You were trying to hold onto him and got a little too worked up. By the time I got to the car you had partially transformed and had dug your claws in Akutagawa’s shoulder to keep Kunikida from taking him away…not that he was coming anywhere close while you were growling like that.”
“I was…growling?”
“Yup!” Dazai shoots him a reassuring smile that does nothing to reassure him.
“Dazai, don’t traumatize the poor kid anymore.” Both Atsushi and Dazai whip their heads over to where Yosano has entered the infirmary. Dazai pouts, finally removing his hand from Atsushi’s forearm and leaning back, allowing Yosano to shine a bright light into Atsushi’s eyes. He flinches at the sudden brightness.
“Your pupils are dilating fine.” the doctor says, now taking his pulse. “How are you feeling? You were out for longer than I was hoping for…”
“I feel fine…” Atsushi is still beyond overwhelmed, ready to curl up in his own bed and forget that this whole nightmare ever happened. But…he has to ask… “where’s Akutagawa? How is he?”
Yosano pursues her lips, shooting Dazai a sideways glance that does nothing to ease Atsushi’s nerves. “He’ll live.”
“Just live?” Atsushi raises his eyebrows, prodding for her to continue. He can’t even bring himself to remain respectful. He just needs to know where his partner is. “Where is he? Can I see him?”
Yosano bites her lip before finally nodding. “Can you stand?”
Atsushi is already up and out of bed before she can finish. He sways a little, but is deftly stabilized by Dazai before he can crumple. Maybe standing so quickly was a little rash. “Where is he?”
Yosano shakes her head disapprovingly before gesturing for him to follow her out of the room. Dazai follows closely behind, for once remaining completely silent.
Atsushi hadn’t realized before, but he’s wearing different clothes – now dressed in a simple black tee shirt with loose-fitting exercise shorts. He’s exceedingly grateful that he’s no longer wearing his blood soaked attire.
“Just keep in mind that he looks worse than he is.” Yosano says, leading Atsushi to the one other room in the infirmary. He can’t help but wonder why they weren’t put together. “I predict that he’ll make an almost full recovery.”
Before Atsushi can ask what she means, Yosano opens the door to the adjoining room, revealing his partner…or what he can assume is his partner.
“Akutagawa!” Atsushi cries, nearly sprinting toward the infirmary bed on the other side of the room. He hardly notices Dazai’s hovering hand, ready to catch him should he fall. However, Atsushi has no intention of falling unless he lands in the chair beside his partner’s bed.
As soon as Atsushi stops, his breath freezes in his chest.
In the bed, Akutagawa lays motionless, an oxygen mask securely strapped over his nose and mouth. Thankfully, Yosano wiped away most of the dried blood that decorated his skin, but his jaw and throat still seem stained crimson. Other than those small areas, Akutagawa’s flesh is unnaturally pale – almost gray despite the golden afternoon light.
Atsushi can only see his chest rising and falling when he pays close attention to the way the loose hospital gown shifts with each labored breath. But, that's not what makes Atsushi weak in the knees…it's the tight, bloodstained bandages wrapped around Akutagawa’s left shoulder, hiding what is surely a set of ten deep puncture wounds.
Suddenly, Atsushi is thankful for the empty chair Dazai shoves behind him as his knees give out.
“Did I…did I do that?” there’s no need for Atsushi to elaborate. Everyone in the room knows exactly what “that” is.
Never the one to avoid the truth, Yosano immediately answers as she checks a few of the monitors strapped to Akutagawa before taking her leave. “Yes.”
Atsushi makes a sound he hasn’t made in a long, long time – probably not since the orphanage headmaster beat him half to death. “No, no, no, I didn’t.”
Truthfully, Atsushi isn’t sure why he’s so affected. Mere months ago, Atsushi and Akutagawa were constantly at each other’s throats, pulling no punches and aiming to kill. But this? Atsushi can’t quite wrap his head around it. Maybe it's the fact that he lost control of his ability, or the fact that he’s come to view Akutagawa as some sort of friend.
Whatever the reason may be, Atsushi never wants to feel like this again.
“Yes, you did. Remember what we talked about?” Dazai’s unusually stern voice snaps Atsushi back to his unfortunate reality. “You were distraught and had been pushed way beyond your limit. It is okay. No one blames you. What happened is not your fault.”
“Then whose fault is it?” The humorless laugh that escapes Atsushi’s mouth startles everyone in the room – including himself. “If it's not my fault then who's to blame? It’s easier to blame myself.”
With a brief glance from Atsushi, to Akutagawa, and back again, Dazai stands. Atsushi has only seen his mentor look so stern a few times, but he can’t bring himself to look away.
“Do you remember what I told you about feeling sorry for yourself, Atsushi-kun?”
The question hits Atsushi harder than any slap could.
“Self-pity will get you nowhere in life.” Dazai continues, placing a gentle hand on Atsushi’s shoulder. “Sometimes, the best thing you can do is apologize and move on. Akutagawa will understand. I taught him this same lesson years ago…however, he didn’t take to it as well as you have.”
Without another word, Atsushi is left alone with his sleeping partner and the steadily beeping heart monitor. Staring at the thin cotton blanket draped across Akutagawa’s lap, Atsushi comes to the realization that he never wants that annoying beeping to stop.
“Atsushi, I meant what I said, earlier.”
The weretiger’s head snaps up at Yosano’s sudden words. He watches as she reenters the room, heels clacking against the tiles as she does so. The doctor checks a few more monitors and unhooks the nearly empty IV pouch that had been giving Akutagawa a dearly needed transfusion.
Atsushi looks at her in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
Yosano’s warm smile unfreezes a bit of the dread lodged in Atsushi’s heart. “He’ll be okay. It will be a long road and his lungs may never return to what they were, but Akutagawa will recover.”
A massive sigh of relief escapes Atsushi’s lungs as her words sink in. “So, will he make a full recovery?”
At that, Yosano bites her lip. “I’m not completely sure.” Atsushi watches as the doctor pulls up a second chair, resting her elbows on the edge of the bed. “I’m not totally aware of what his lungs were like before this event, but they’re not great now – in fact they’re pretty terrible. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has to routinely supplement his oxygen.”
“Supplement his oxygen?”
Yosano nods, watching the way Akutagawa’s chest rises and falls with every breath. “As in a portable oxygen tank. He won’t need to use it all the time, like when he's on a mission or in a meeting, but I’ll recommend to Mori that he have one at home. I’m actually surprised that he hasn’t been using one already…”
Atsushi nods, looking back at his still-sleeping partner. “He won’t like that.”
“Nope! He definitely won’t.” Yosano scoffs. “We’ll have to get Gin on our side. You and her will get through to him…I’m sure of it.”
Atsushi blinks a few times, letting Yosano’s words sink in. “You seem to have a lot of confidence in me.”
With a shrug, Yosano stands, gathering a few of her charts and other items. “I’m always confident in my patients.” she shoots him a smile before crossing the room. “Unfortunately, I need to set up a meeting with Mori. Will you be okay in here? You can always call me or shout for Kunikida.”
Atsushi winces but finds himself nodding. He’s not quite ready to face Kunikida yet, his earlier embarrassment still too fresh in his mind. He knows he can’t hide from the older man forever, but for now, he can brainstorm how to apologize for growling at him. Atsushi still can’t believe he did that…
With one final glance at the two young men in her care, Yosano exits the room to go schedule her appointment with Mori, once again leaving Atsushi alone with his sleeping partner. But this time, Atsushi isn’t filled with dread as he listens to Akutagawa’s breathing.
He'll be okay. He’ll be okay. Akutagawa will recover. And despite the fact that his help probably won’t be appreciated, Atsushi will be there for him every step of the way.
That’s what partners are for, after all.