Chapter Text
“Crowley,” He whispered through quieting cries, speaking into the other man’s collar, just loud enough for Crowley to still hear, “have you ever been in love?”
Crowley stilled, and Aziraphale heard his breath quicken, so the Angel just buried his head deeper in fear, “Are you throwing my own words back at me?” He said, after the short pause, “That’s a bit of a sneaky trick, I knew you remembered that night, surely you’ve figured it out by now Angel, you’ve always been ever so clever.” He hummed,
Aziraphale just whispered back, “Please, Crowley,”
He was quiet for a long while, so long that Aziraphale worried he might disappear, leave him here alone in his office, wracked with tears, unsure, and never see him again. But then he spoke,
“I have been,”
It was as though a weight lifted deep and well settled on Aziraphale’s soul, it held him down for years and only grew heavier with time. It had moved for the first time in millennia.
“Thank God,” Aziraphale whispered breathlessly, and he found he meant it with everything he had and everything he was.
Crowley shifted, his hands once lightly gripping Aziraphale’s waist, almost stabilising the Angel moved up, gripping the fabric of his coat. “I’m not sure if this is very fair, you never answered me.” Crowley murmured, “So let me ask you again my Angel, have you ever been in love before?” He asked, in a voice far too collected for someone tripping over themselves not five minutes before.
Aziraphale, tears still staining his face and welling in his eyes, still let out a quiet and incredibly happy laugh, “Of course I have, how could I not?” he moved his hand, letting it settle at Crowley’s cheek, holding him, and he watched through his blurred eyes as those two glowing yellow ones gently closed, and Crowley leaned into his hand. “I still am,” He whispered like he would a prayer, a desire and longing so quiet and so unbearably deep.
Crowley let out his own quiet laugh, and what a sound it was, “That’s quite a statement Angel, whoever has your affections must be one lucky individual,” He murmured, with a slight teasing lilt to his voice. It was clear he hadn’t sobered himself up despite his tenderness, and Aziraphale hadn’t either.
Aziraphale sobbed again, he didn’t quite know how to do this, it was really impossible to know. When you’ve held back so long from even considering how it might go if you so much as tried, actually doing it hurt more than anything. “I’ve loved them for as long as I’ve known myself,” He hiccupped and leaned back into Crowley, he couldn’t look anymore, “and I will until the end of it all,”
Crowley had a sharp intake of breath, and pulled Aziraphale even closer, whispering his words into Aziraphale’s ear, directly to his soul, “Angel, tell me this will be real tomorrow, that you’ll still be there,” He pleaded, it was a quiet plea, one that spoke of years, of an eternity of fear, of the rejection they had to give each other, that Aziraphale gave him. An eternity of pretending in the face of something new, something honest and true that he couldn’t quite yet believe was real. “We can spend the rest of everything together, there’s nothing I’ve ever wanted more than that.”
Aziraphale steeled himself, he knew Crowley was scared, and he knew why. Aziraphale was scared too. “This will be here tomorrow, Crowley,” Every time before, they’d just parted ways like nothing had happened, or worse, they fought, and they didn’t see each other again for weeks. Those times were never as clear as this, never as honest. Yet, even now, Aziraphale couldn’t speak directly, and Crowley knew it.
He could say he was in love, he could hold the Demon, he could do everything but look him in the eyes and say I love you. That was too much. “I will be here tomorrow,” He took a deep breath in, looking at Crowley in the eyes again, bringing his hand back up to his cheek, both of them now. “I need you,”
Crowley sighed, it was deep, it still held the same fear Aziraphale felt, but it was loving. “We can’t take this back again, we have to move forward knowing, can you do that Aziraphale?” Crowley murmured, as though expecting Aziraphale to back out, “I’ll still be here, no matter what,” He affirmed.
Aziraphale took a deep breath, “I’m scared, you know I’m scared, I don’t know how to do any of this.” He admitted, “I’ve pretended my whole existence, and you’ve pretended alongside me.” It was true, Crowley had said something to a similar effect before, he was always pretending to be something he wasn’t. The horrible and devious Demon from Hell, or the loyal and dutiful Angel of Heaven. They weren’t, they never were, they didn’t get things right, they helped each other far too much, they knew more than anyone else about Earth. They loved the world, they loved the world and they loved each other. “I never want to pretend again.”
“We might have to,” Crowley said, concern still on his face even as Aziraphale held it gently, they were pressed up against each other in the middle of his dark office in the middle of the night.
The scene might have been ridiculous, considering they were both still a little intoxicated, if it wasn’t so heartbreaking.
Aziraphale finally stepped slightly back, if only to hold see him better. “As long as I can stand alongside you, it doesn’t matter.” He said, voice quiet and confident. Firm. He needed to be firm, he needed to be strong, he could imagine himself being the Angel he was always meant to be, stern and firm for Haven. He was neither, he was never meant to be that Angel, he was always soft, and that wasn’t bad, it was never bad. He should have never been made to feel it was bad.
He was not strong, he was not a solider of Heaven, he was an Angel who went along as far as he could, and now he was an Angel, comfortable, nervous, secure, in love with a Demon. So he was not strong, he never would be, but he could be brave for Crowley, he could stand for what he truly wanted for once in his life.
Crowley’s eyes welled now, and his hold on the Angel’s waist waivered, “Who would we be if we didn’t pretend anymore, what could become of us?” He sounded scared, he hadn’t sounded scared before, it had been so long, if Aziraphale had ever seen it before, since Crowley was scared. He knew it was partially his own fear, what would become of the two of them, what would Hell do to him, what would Heaven do to Aziraphale. It was ingrained over an impossible amount of time. The weight of their feelings voiced left other ears able to hear them.
“Trust me Crowley, please,” Aziraphale murmured, “the way I trusted you, we’ll figure it out.” He let go of the Demon’s face, watching as Crowley’s eyes fluttered shut at the loss of contact.
Crowley almost laughed then, it came out a sort of choking noise, “Aren’t I meant to be the one comforting you?” He asked, voice quiet, he brought them back to lean against Aziraphale’s desk, and let Aziraphale sit beside him. Their hands were intertwined, and Aziraphale pulled them onto his lap.
“I’d face anything Heaven threw at me so long as I could be here with you,” Aziraphale affirmed, possibly the first time in eternity he had spoken poorly about Heaven. It was common for Crowley to slander Hell, it was in the nature of Demons to hate each other, but Angels should never. Aziraphale would though, he was honest, he would leave all that security and comfort, that passive aggression, that toxicity as Cathy put it, behind for Crowley. In that moment he was certain of it.
Crowley whispered like a prayer, he couldn’t pray, the only real thing they would ever have was each other, “Angel, my Angel.” He squeezed their hands, it was the best they could do, and Crowley’s eyes were so gorgeous.
“What do you think, my dear?” Aziraphale replied, still nervous despite it all.
Crowley leaned his head on Aziraphale’s shoulder now, awkwardly looking up at him from there, “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you,” and he smiled. Aziraphale smiled too, how could he not at the sight of his Demon? They stayed like that for a while.
They couldn’t say it, of course they couldn’t, it was all too much. Somehow not saying it was worse, like illusions to loving each other, like promises of staying by each other’s side was somehow worse than being able to say it outright. It was clean when you said I love you, it was open, it was brutally raw, but it was short. A declaration of adoration was almost worst, a declaration of longing so intrinsically a part of one's very being, that was worse to admit. It was all so open, so unclosable now. They couldn’t say it. Aziraphale couldn’t, and neither could Crowley, the stakes were much higher than their own gentle emotions here. The powers that be would feel that as deep as a direct attack, they couldn't, not yet.
They could promise, promise to stop speaking in riddles, promise to not leave. It was impossible to say whether they could keep them, it was impossible to say what tomorrow held, whether they’d been heard, whether the Almighty herself would decide this wasn’t her plan and strike them both down, punish them for something she herself set in motion. Heaven could hear, Hell could hear, they just didn’t know. They both knew they'd try, try with everything they had and ever would be.
The very best they could do was to hold each other, to not let go, to let the longing seep into the room, and allow each other to feel it, deeper and more solid than before. Let it be real and undeniable for the first time ever, and leave it just there like that.
“I’m not letting go, even if I’m sober,” Crowley murmured into the dark room.
Aziraphale, leaning against Crowley’s head as they sat there in the dark, replied, “I wouldn’t either, I wouldn’t want to.” He smiled to himself, “I only ever let go before because I thought it was what you wanted.” He admitted; it felt good to admit.
“You’re so very silly Angel, even today I didn’t actually want you to let go,” Crowley replied, holding Aziraphale’s hand just a little tighter.
Aziraphale laughed, “I think you’ll find we’re both silly Crowley.” It felt good to laugh, it felt good to have that weight lifted.
Crowley let out an incoherent objection noise, “I think you’re a bit sillier,” He said, then grinned, though Aziraphale couldn’t see it as they were side by side, “I told you to your face 160 odd years ago that I had flirted with someone who looked like you, because they looked like you, and you didn’t even bloody pick up on it. You fell asleep!” That was funny in hindsight, and in Aziraphale’s defence, it only took him a decade to pick up on, he was just dreadfully afraid of bringing it up again after he’d not got it the first time. It was interesting, knowing that in context, all the times he’d not been recognised and yet Crowley had acted the way he did. Knowing all along it was just because he was attracted to him, and would only react that way to those who looked like him. It was just an earnest display of attraction that Aziraphale was woefully oblivious to.
Instead of admitting that to Crowley, or admitting that it made him feel so warm, he decided to bring up an incident of his own, “Yes, and I once asked if there was something I could do you for you in return, in a rather more suggestive phrasing than I would ever say, and you didn’t pick up anything from that either.” He huffed, and Crowley let out another spluttering noise, sitting upright and facing him again,
So the Demon did remember, that fateful night in 1941, when Aziraphale had known for certain in his soul and admitted internally and fully for the first time what he already knew, he was very much in love with Crowley. “What-what huh? You mean to tell me you meant,” He gestured wildly with one hand, the other was still busy holding Aziraphale’s “like, huh?”
Aziraphale shrugged, smile on his face, “I don’t know what I meant, I just mean to say that I was rather open to anything at that time.” He said wistfully, he did know what he meant, he knew he wanted to kiss Crowley then, “And if we’re keeping score, you fell down the stairs an hour ago.” That was also a point to Crowley being far sillier.
Crowley laughed, “What a fucking pair we make then. Maybe we are both equally silly.”
Aziraphale nodded, “Indeed, considering I never sleep, perhaps that should tell you something about how I was feeling?” He raised an eyebrow, but Crowley didn’t seem to pick up on the implication.
“What, tired?” He said,
He shook his head lightly, “No Crowley, I was feeling very safe and comfortable. That’s why I fell asleep.” He said, squeezing the other’s hand yet again and feeling delighted at the fact he could do so, to reassure, to emphasise, any reason at all he wanted. Because Crowley wanted to be holding his hand too.
“You feel safe with me?” Crowley asked, seeming a bit confused, to which Aziraphale frowned.
“Of course I do, how could I not?” He replied.
“Me, a Demon,” Crowley said, incredulously,
Aziraphale shook his head again, “Honestly, it’s almost like you picked nothing up from this conversation, I feel safe with you, I always have, anywhere you are is made safer and happier by you being there.” He said, voice firm, It was true, it had always been true for Aziraphale, he felt safer with Crowley than he ever had in Heaven. Anywhere or anytime Crowley was.
“Demons aren’t safe, Angel, you aren’t supposed to feel safe with me,” Crowley muttered,
There again came the stereotypes they always fell back on, the ones that kept them apart from each other, that they used to think kept them safe, Aziraphale could have shaken his conviction into the Demon but instead he simply said:
“Well, I guess we’re both a bit shit at our jobs then,”
Crowley’s head dropped back on his shoulder, and he swore he could hear the Demon’s heartbeat through their touch, “I feel safe with you too, Aziraphale.” And Aziraphale could hear it was the truth.
“I could stay like this with you for all eternity,” The Angel replied,
They quickly fell back into bickering,
“On your shitty wooden desk too? Let me tell you, it’s really uncomfortable to sleep on.” Crowley both teased and complained, making Aziraphale think of seeing Crowley sprawled and snoring on his desk in the middle of the day, like the deranged fellow he was.
Aziraphale shrugged, humming and pressing a small kiss to the side of Crowley’s head, for no reason other than he could. “Maybe I’d move us to the bookshop, or the Bentley. If it was for forever.” He said, amending his statement,
Crowley latched onto it immediately, “Love my car, we should go to my car, go for a long drive,” He said, clearly envisioning said drive, Aziraphale hoped it would be around the countryside but he wouldn’t be surprised if Crowley would much prefer driving on the most nightmarish highways forever.
“Never mind, I can’t hold your hand while driving,” Aziraphale said,
“Why not?” Crowley whined,
“It’s not a very good practice while driving, silly Demon,” Aziraphale giggled,
Crowley poked Aziraphale’s side in protest, “You’ve been in the car with me before, you think a bit of hand-holding’s going to make me any worse?” He said, almost pleading for them to do so. Aziraphale would think about it in the future.
“I’d rather not encourage the amount of road rules you break to go up,” He said instead.
“Come on, where’s the fun in that?” Crowley complained,
Aziraphale changed his line of thought, “You know, It’s quite sweet of you to come to all my classes Crowley, even though I know you don’t listen to them.” He said, thinking back on the years he got to spend watching Crowley watch him, to see him sit patiently, fidgeting in every class. Obviously, Crowley hadn’t come to every single class, the Demon had missed his first year of teaching, and several of the classes Aziraphale had in the time he taught there, but God it was a good track record really.
“You don’t know that. I’m a great listener,” Crowley huffed, but there was a smile in his voice, a bit of happy airiness that he couldn’t get rid of right now.
“Is that so?” Aziraphale teased.
Crowley snorted, “Nah I’m a terrible listener when it comes to learning things.”
“I know, and I wouldn’t change that,” Aziraphale affirmed, and yet again because he could, he squeezed the Demon’s hand.
Crowley continued, “I do like following along though. Gives me something to complain about and lets me spend time with you all in one. S’great.”
Aziraphale got something rather similar from it, not the complaining bit, but he did adore the companionship, the person to talk to about everything, to hear Crowley’s complaints and watch him follow about. “Works out well for the both of us I suppose, it worked out to all this at least.” All of this was very important, the most important thing that had happened maybe ever.
“Mmm it did,” Crowley hummed, “should we stay in here?” He asked, looking around the empty and dark room, and the wooden desk they were sitting on.
Aziraphale looked around, “My office? I sort of like it in here, it feels awfully secure, like we’re sectioned off from everything that could possibly hurt us.” He admitted, “But then again, I feel like that in my bookshop too,” It would be nice to return to the bookshop, the place where most of their more involved conversations happened, the place he felt safest of all, alongside Crowley, the one he felt safest with. It was a nice combination. His office was good, and it now held a whole new meaning, but the bookshop was better.
“I would enjoy going back to the bookshop I think, a bit nicer seating, and a lot older and familiar,” Crowley said, stretching out and temporarily releasing Aziraphale’s hand to do so, and eventually hopping off the desk.
“You’ve spent a good few years lurking in this office with me Crowley, this must be familiar to you as well,” Aziraphale smiled at his Demon, looking into those gorgeous eyes that he could now openly admire and adore,
Crowley grinned back, “Yeah, it is, what did I say, homing pigeon.” He held his hand out to help Aziraphale off the desk, and Aziraphale couldn’t help but laugh.
They picked up the rest of Aziraphale’s belongings that he’d left behind, feeling rather much more sober than they had when they’d stepped in the room, and feeling much the same as before. The longing was still lingering out in the open for anyone to find and see, metaphorically of course, since there was no way there was anyone in the English Department office area at 1 am on what was now a Friday.
They were wrong about that though,
“Aziraphale? What are you doing here too mate- oh holy bloody fuck what’s wrong with your boy’s eyes?” Gareth.
Whoops, Crowley never had put his glasses back on after falling down the stairs, Aziraphale was under the firm impression they would not have to, and he could enjoy Crowley’s eyes all to himself. Apparently not, and he suspected this could be corrected with a minor divine miracle if Crowley found his glasses quickly, which he set about doing immediately.
Aziraphale simply shook his head, “Nothing! Nothing at all, I don’t know what you’re talking about Gareth, perhaps we have had too much to drink tonight,” he said, as though Crowley wasn’t right next to him, eyes very much a non-human. He did get called master of deflection after all.
“Oi you can’t trick me they’re fucking glowing and yellow and shit! Like a cat!” Gareth exclaimed, “It’s really cool but kind of freaky,” He said, that was a bit of a relief, to know if there was ever a time they couldn’t completely cover their tracks Gareth wasn’t a complete arse about it. He physically felt Crowley calm down next to him at the added comment.
“Snake actually,” Crowley muttered, finding his glasses, much to both of their annoyance, and Aziraphale didn’t feel particularly bad about snapping his fingers seconds later, Gareth would’ve understood, it was like if Aziraphale had walked in on him and his boyfriend, and Gareth boyfriend happened to be a Demon, Aziraphale was sure that Gareth would be very happy for him to forget.
“What are you two doing out this late?” Gareth said, completely calmed down again, incident completely forgotten. It was a nice thing to have miracles on your side.
“Not much Gareth, just headed home now, forgot my laptop too, Tom made fun of me for it,” Aziraphale said, smile on his face, still holding Crowley’s hand. His Demon was much grumpier now for the interruption, especially one which involved a miracle to solve, he wasn’t a fan of explaining his eyes to humans.
“Damn, me too, I think I fell asleep on the couch in the shared room for a bit though?” He pointed behind him, into said room, and to be honest Gareth did look like he’d just taken an unwitting nap on a terrible couch at 1 am and needed to get home.
“Isn’t that one really gross?” Crowley asked, “You know what this means though, you bastard,” He pointed a finger at Gareth, who appeared to finally notice that the two were holding hands and was smiling about it, “You’re never allowed to mention my naps ever again, or else.”
“I surrender mate! I promise, no bad blood here,” Gareth held his hands up in mock surrender, but the smile was still on his face, and he shot Aziraphale a look that screamed congratulations. “I sure do hope nothing untoward happened in this office when I was knocked out?” He suggested, doing something comedically horrific with his eyebrows which made Aziraphale cringe. While he wasn’t strictly wrong, the untoward thing was an impromptu confession, they did absolutely nothing else, and Aziraphale was nearly certain Gareth would not believe that.
“Absolutely not Gareth, have a pleasant evening, I shall see you next week!” Aziraphale exclaimed with a squeaky voice, dragging the still glaring Crowley out of the building with more haste than how they had entered.
“So long! I’ll be seeing you, text that you get home safe,” Gareth called out after them,
“I don’t have a telephone, but do call for the same reason Gareth, I can’t believe you fell asleep at the University.” Aziraphale chided loudly, before running off properly this time, Crowley following after him with his swift saunter and a mock salute to Gareth as he faded into the darkened hallway.
No wonder the poor guy was terrified when they ran into each other, it was almost haunted in there in the dark of the night. They hadn’t even bothered to turn on any lights.
The walk through the University was a peaceful and quiet one, they were both fully aware they’d probably teleport to the bookshop at some point, but in that moment, it was nice to get some night air. They stopped in the middle of the field, the field where Aziraphale had first spotted Crowley here, a few years ago, what felt like a lifetime ago. He was so unbearably happy now, there was so much he wasn’t containing anymore.
The warmth from Crowley’s fingers just confirmed it all, it was real, there was no turning back, and fuck if that wasn’t terrifying, but more than anything it was wonderful.
“I never thought I would like the night as much as I do,” Aziraphale said quietly, feeling the breeze against them both, washing away their fears,
Crowley made a noise in agreement, saying nothing more, before he pointed up to the sky, “You can never usually see it,” Crowley murmured, and Aziraphale followed his gaze, up there, in the sky, was a nebula, or a simple star, a cluster, barely a blip, never visible from the city Aziraphale was certain. Crowley had done something, made the night sky just that bit enhanced, a little clearer.
He knew what he was pointing to, of course he did, “That’s the one you…” He trailed off, almost in awe,
“We, Angel, we, you were there too my Aziraphale.” Crowley affirmed, then he sighed, looking up into the night, “Still gorgeous,” Crowley then looked across at him, and found Aziraphale already staring at just him, “mesmerising,’ he whispered.
“Me or the stars?” Aziraphale smiled, honestly not minding which, the stars Crowley had created were beautiful. Their endless potential and beauty.
Crowley nudged him, smiling right back, “You, silly Angel.”
Aziraphale closed his eyes, and leaned on his Demon again, “Let’s go home,” He said, and with a distant pop, they were back inside the warmth of the bookshop.
“Talk or rest?” Crowley asked, leading Aziraphale further into the shop, ever so comfortable, it made Aziraphale’s heart melt.
“Rest, I think,” Aziraphale replied, secure, safe, in love,
Crowley raised an eyebrow, “You would sleep?”
“With you beside me, yes,” He said, all to easily.
Crowley didn’t ask another question, “Upstairs it is then,”
They prepared for sleep, like it was something they did every day. Crowley, it was something he did every day, just not with Aziraphale right there. Aziraphale on the other hand, simply did not sleep, the last time he had slept was alongside Crowley on the couch downstairs over 100 years ago, and he kept it that way. Tonight though, he could feel sleep creep up on him like an old and inviting friend, a consequence of the sheer weight of his emotional expulsion tonight, and of feeling entirely safe and secure for the first time in millennia.
They faced each other as they laid on Aziraphale’s almost entirely unused bed, still very clothed, Aziraphale in what Crowley called old person pyjamas. It was an unusual situation to be sure, one Aziraphale wasn’t quite sure what to do with.
Crowley whispered to him, as though they hadn’t been talking in normal voices the entire time that they were getting ready, “We won’t get any sleep just staring at each other Angel, much as I like doing it.” He said, teasing,
“Staring at me?” Aziraphale replied, voice light,
“No shit, I do it every day,” Crowley said, his glasses were sitting on the nightstand and Aziraphale was once again admiring the beauty of his eyes, of everything about him, his mouth, his snake, his hair, now flattened and silly once laying down, the slight redness in his cheeks even in this nearly non-existent light.
“Hmm,” Aziraphale hummed, before making the move to tug Crowley towards him into a hug, “I rather like looking at you too, but we have time to do that every day now,” He yawned, the expectation of sleep taking its toll.
Crowley let out a short happy noise, “I know, Angel,” He whispered, hands hesitantly placed on Aziraphale’s back, holding him gently and lovingly, “I hope you have terrible nightmares,” he added,
Just before Aziraphale drifted off properly, something he’d always found startlingly easy to do on the occasions he had slept, he whispered back, “And I hope you have sweet dreams,” and he felt Crowley’s low and quiet laugh wash over him as he let sleep overtake him.
“Goodnight, Aziraphale,”