Chapter Text
Wilbur saunters down the long, winding hallways his high school. His long, lanky legs give him a vantage point from the rest of the crowd, and from said vantage point he can see..
Ah.
Alexis Quackity.
Quackity… oh, Quackity….
Wilburs beloved rival, the yang to his yin, the white to his black, the angel to his demon, the simile to his metaphor! His in ways, partner. His closest companion. Two lives strung together by fate herself! Wilbur couldn’t bare to live without Quackity, he balances him out, they’re on the same level no matter how much he denies it. They understand each other in ways not even the most important people in their lives can. Quackity was the one to comfort Wilbur when his mental health was flushed down the drain, and Wilbur returned the favor when Sapnap and Karl left him. Wilbur would do anything to keep Quackity safe, and vice-versa.
They are each others to build up and break down.
Should someone decide to hurt Quackity, said someone shall feel the pain they cause ten fold.
And Wilbur suspects Quackity would do the same.
————————————————————————
Tommys big brother is so fucking gay.
LIKE HOLY SHIT.
TOMMY DID NOT THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE TO BE THIS GAY.
YET HERE WILBUR IS!
PINING FOR QUACKITY, HIS “Beloved rival” AND SOMEHOW NOT KNOWING!?
HE HAS TO BE IN DENIAL!
RIGHT!?
Tommy vents these frustrations to Purpled, who’s sitting on his bed, listening intently but still with that utterly uninterested face he’s so good at.
”So, why are you telling me this?” Purples asks, pointing at himself.
”Well, big man… You’re gonna help me get those two pussies together!” Tommy says, his tail wagging wildly.
”How am I supposed to help?” Purpled questions.
”Dunno yet, we gotta make a plan first!” Tommy points at himself then Purpled repeatedly.
“Why am I always roped into your shit?” Purpled asks withe a poorly hidden fond, yet annoyed smile.
”Because you never say no!” Tommy responds before making a shooing motion.
”Look away Purp, it is time for Shroud to get his foodies!” Tommy says, his voice devolving into baby talk.
Arachnophobia is real fucking annoying when your best friend has one of the horrid creatures.
Purpled looks away as Tommy grabs a small plastic bowl with some worms in it and a set of tweezers before sliding over to Shrouds terrarium. He grabs a silkworm with his tweezers and holds it up to Shroud who bites into it without a second to spare.
”Good job Shwoud! You killed the evil worm! His dictatorship and malpractice has ended thanks to you! Look, all the the spider women want to be your spider wives! You made the worm your bitch, and now you are rewarded with spider pussy!” Tommy coos, it would be cute if what he said wasn’t concerning ‘Spider pussy’.
”why do you talk to it like that?” Purpled ponders.
”He, Purpled. Respect the baby, and because that is simply how you must talk to pets, I thought you’d understand with our beloved Dogchamp.” Tommy scolds.
”You mean, my beloved Dogchamp.” Purpled corrects.
”No, no. Our, we have shared custody over him.” Tommy says confidently.
”Nope, we’re going to court.” Purpled crosses all four of his arms.
”HOW DARE YOU BITCH! I’LL WIN.” Tommy yells.
“You don’t know that.” Purpled pokes Tommys chest with each syllable.
”Yeah I do, the only one who could even possibly settle this is Quackity, and he likes me more than you. And speaking of Quackity, I’ve come up with a plan.” Tommy says, ending the conversation and causing Purpled to huff.
”First of all I literally work for him, second of all, what’s the plan?” Purpled says, he’d very much like to continue and figure out who has the rights to Dogchamp, but he knows Tommy won’t have it.
”Well, my little bitch boy, the plan is simple. I, of course, am closer to Wilbur Big-man Soot, so I’ll handle him. But you, on the other hand will handle Big Q.” Tommy sits down next to Purpled and starts doodling little drawings of how the plan will work.
”Ok, what do I do?” Purpled asks, looking over Tommys shoulder to watch his mad doodlings vomited onto a poor piece of paper.
“Well, since you see him more, and therefor able to talk to him more, you are going to just be straight up. Like, “Quackity, do you like Wilbur?” But put your own spin on it, don’t want him to know this is planned. He’ll probably give a hella long answer on how no, Wilbur is a piece of shit, but look at his face. On a scale of white boy to tomato, how red does he get? And, he’ll probably compliment Wilbur a couple of time on accident, with you speed typing skills, I want you to write down everything he says. I can analyze it and shit. After i got the info on Wilbur too, we’ll reconvene and decide what to do next.” Tommy says all in one breath somehow.
”Ok, so; You want me to ask my BOSS about his love life?”
”Yep, now, off you go big man!” Tommy says, waving Purpled away.
”Why are you so good at analyzing people?” Purpled asks, standing in the doorway.
”I’m friends with Dream, you really think I could be friends with a phycology nut and not learn a thing or two? Now, out out out!” Tommy says, pushing Purpled out his room.
Why, did Tommy push one of his bestest friends out of his room?
He, he um.
He just wants to play Animal Crossing without intervention.
And, he does just that for around two hours before Wilbur walks in.
”Hello Will.” Tommy says, not looking up from his DS.
”Hello Tommy! Can I have some of your fur?” Wilbur asks nonchalantly with scissors in his hand.
”Are you doing your Dr. Malpractice shit again???” Tommy asks, scooting away from his big brother.
”Maybeeeeee~ Now, give me your tail.” Wilbur says, grabbing at Tommys tail.
Despite his suspicions, Tommy complies and sets his tail on Wilburs hand. The taller cuts a bit of fur off and puts the fluff into a small plastic bag.
”Wilbur, do you think you could ever be friends with Quackity?” Tommy questions, getting ready for a long winded answer.
”Maybe, maybe if he wasn’t so stubborn. He still won’t let me join the card games club. I bet if we were ruling together, we could rule the ENTIRE school! My inherent charm, paired with his smarts? We could do ANYTHING! All he needs to do is accept my help, he’s amazing! And I could make him even better!” Wilbur says, his wings spreading out to emphasize his points.
”I was about to say he’s hot too.” Wilbur adds before walking out the room.
Welp, that’s that.
—————PurPOVed—————
Purpled sits quietly until the end of club.
He’s internally screaming the entire time, he’s the clubs treasurer.
Quackity is his boss.
He is about to ask his boss about his love life because he doesn’t want to disappoint Tommy.
Why must Purpled be such a people pleaser?
Finally, its the end of club. He waits for everyone to leave the room before going up to Quackity, he’s clad in sweatpants, an unzipped jacket, and some random black tee shirt.
”Hey Quackity?” Purpled asks, somehow keeping his voice from shaking.
”Yes Purpled?” Quackity responds, putting down his phone.
”Y’know how you and Wilbur are always fighting? Do you uh, like… him?” Purpled fidgets nervously with his many hands, one set fiddling with his fingers and the other with the cuffs of his sleeves.
Purpled looks to Quackitys face which, on the white boy to tomato scale is a solid tomato. Even his ears and fingers are dusted with the poppy red. His golden yellow wings puff out, flapping a bunch.
”N-No! He’s a piece of shit! Even with his… pretty eyes… and stupid perfectly messy hair… He sucks! I-I hate him! Noooo attraction here! None! Zippo! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. G-GO HOME WI- PURPLED. GO HOME. I UH- NEED TO THINK ABOUT STUFF, OK, BYE. NOW OUT OUT OUT.” Quackity practically yells, the flush on his face and puffed up wings don’t cease as Purpled leaves the room.
Time to get back to Tommy.
————Tommy Danger POV Kracken Innit————
Tommy sits curled up next to Ranboo and Tubbo, they’re all waiting for Purpled.
Tommy was able to convince the now couple to help him set up another.
Tubbo and Ranboo both found the idea really funny as both bosses own little burger stands, and they work for both.
Finally the three get sick of waiting.
———————————————
BigMan: Where are uuuuuu
ExplosionNoises: Purpled c’monnnnn
Gender: I’m going to eat your children
Gender: Hurry up
E.T: Puns needs my help, watch a movie
BigMan: Uhjkhfgjikjhgmsa Finnnnnnne
E.T: Good
E.T: Be there in an hour and a half
———————————————
“Whaddu we watch?” Tubbo asks, petting Enderchest lightly.
”How about… Riverdale?” Ranboo says.
Tubbo and Tommy shrug before Ranboo grabs the remote and puts the show on, skipping season one to get to the fun stuff.
The three are watching for a while before the door opens.
”I’m here.” Purpled states, flopping onto the bed with a bwoomf!
”FINALLY!” Tommy yells with an exaggerated sigh.
”Ok, tell me Plurbelped, how was your talk with Big Q?” Tommy asks, his eyes filled with exitement. Purpled quirks his feathered antennae at the odd name given to him.
”Um. Well, on the scale of white boy to tomato, he was a solid red. He complimented Wilburs eyes and hair, and his wings did the Y’know, puffy… thing?” Purpled describes, still laying on his stomach.
”Hee hee, hoo hoo!” Tommy exclaims.
”Did you actually just say; ‘Hee hee, hoo hoo.”?” The three other teens say in unison.
”Yes, now… here’s the plan…” Tommy says with a sly grin plastered onto his face.