Chapter Text
About two weeks after my angel left me, Nina and Maggie showed up at the door to my flat unannounced. It wasn’t like I hadn’t seen them before that, but this was the first time I could remember.
“Wot are you two doing here?” I asked a little louder than I meant to.
“We wanted to come check on you, see how you were doing...” Maggie said.
“It seemed you needed some time for yourself, but Maggie and I agreed that you also need to talk to a living person at some point. And we brought gifts.”
“I recall you saying you had a gramophone of your own, so I brought you a record that I thought might bring you some solace... and it’s also just a great record.” The corners of Maggie’s mouth turned upward, and she handed me an LP wrapped in a clear plastic sleeve. I ran my fingers over the androgynous portrait on the cover. “This one is one of my go-to albums for just about anything.” I briefly looked up at her, but I wasn’t sure if she could tell.
“After our last meeting, and your track record with lightning, I thought you could use some more Eccles cakes,” Nina explained and handed me a cardboard to-go box with a light smile.
“Ehh, thank you. That’s very… thoughtful,” I tried to grin. I wasn’t used to receiving gifts, so I wasn’t sure how to react.
“Can we come in?” Nina resumed.
“Ngk, sure, why not?” I agreed, stepping aside and letting them go through the threshold. I was confused as to why, but I figured I should comply. I carefully set down the items on my desk.
I knew they were going to ask what happened, what transpired from my talk with Aziraphale, and I was frightened as I tried to think how to begin that conversation. Just thinking about it all over again was making tears well up in my eyes. I mean, it’s not like they could see with my glasses and all, but my mouth started squirming, my lip started trembling.
I turned on my heels and paced away from them for a few moments before Maggie lead on “... Crowley... we want to help...”
I peered that them over my shoulder, my back quite literally turned to them. “What is there to do? It’s over.” I groaned. I furrowed my face trying to remember the other night I bumped into them unexpectedly. “Hey.. ehh, I’m really sorry about the other day... I- “
“That’s not how friends treat each other,” Nina interrupted, hands on her hips. “But it at least now we know why we hadn’t seen you around the bookshop in a while.”
“Whatever happened, I’m sorry, I blacked out and- could you tell me what I did?” I dared to ask.
“Well, we stopped into the liquor shop to get some cocktail mixers, and then we found you with your arms full of heavy liquor, stumbling around, mumbling something about birds. And when we asked what the matter was, you proceeded to scream at us, saying it’s all our fault Aziraphale left, that you would never be good enough for him, how you were jealous of what Maggie and I and some other couple had… Needless to say, you owe the shop about a hundred pounds for the bottles you dropped in the middle of the isle.”
I rubbed my face harshly in frustration at myself, “Ugghh- Jesus fucking Christ! I’m SO sorry. That’s bloody fucked up of me,” I pleaded “None of it was your fault: it was all me, it was Aziraphale, it was God…” I gulped and felt hot all of a sudden. “What I said, that’s- that’s unforgivable,” the word felt heavy on my tongue. “You must think I’m some sort of monster.”
“No, but we could see how much you were hurting,” Nina explained. “Anyways you’re lucky Maggie has a heart of gold and that callous words no longer phase me.”
“I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling right now, but we want to help you through it.” Maggie spoke.
In a vain attempt to keep my composure, I turned around to face the pair. They looked at me with pleading eyes. I wanted to urge them to stop looking at me like I’m a wounded animal, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like one in that moment. I felt my bottom lip tremble and catch the tears that were falling from behind my glasses.
“I loved him!” I sobbed, my voice breaking. “I loved him so much, more than I ever thought was possible, and now he’s gone.”
Maggie and Nina stepped towards me halfway.
“I know, I know, Crowley,” Maggie whispered.
I practically threw my glasses on the floor with a clatter. I rapidly wiped my eyes with my hands and leaned against the wall. As if my will to stand was gone, I slid my seat to the floor a little too fast, making my tailbone sore. I loosely folded my knees against my chest, giving myself enough room to heave with my breath. I hated that I was breaking down in front of them again, but it was no use now. What’s the point, I thought, they’re probably going to leave me too.
“It’s okay to cry, you can’t bottle it up,” Nina urged.
“Oh, believe me, I’ve been crying plenty,” I remarked, with a laugh trying its way to get out of my throat.
“Well, you can cry with us too,” said Maggie. She crouched down, squatting, then sitting. Nina soon followed, each on opposite sides of me. I glanced at each of them, before exhaling into a sob, tears coming faster and faster.
“There you go, let it out…” Nina said in a soothing voice, hand brushing my upper back as I leaned forward and cried into my palms. Maggie hesitated a moment, as if she was trying not to startle me, then gently held my shoulder. I breathed deeply, turning into a blubbering mess. I eased into a sense of safety that I forgot existed.
The rest of the day wasn’t completely filled with sorrow. Sure, it felt like I cried away all the tears I had left in my body, but not all of them flowed in violent sobs. I hashed out the events of that dreadful day, but I also ended up sharing with them the memories I had of my falling in love for him. What I found endearing of him, the pet peeves that I couldn’t stay mad at him for. Then I’d get carried away and become tearful again. Nina and Maggie full-heartedly offered to stay the night with me, just so I wouldn’t be left alone after being so vulnerable. I was apprehensive at first but was ultimately glad that we came to an agreement.
Eventually the girls grew hungry, and although the notion of food made me think of Azi, I couldn’t help indulging in what Nina and Maggie called their comfort foods. Nina went out to the late-night convenience store around the block, while Maggie stayed with me and reminisced about her past romantic hiccups with me.
“Nina isn’t the first woman I’ve pined over, you know. It seems to be a running theme for me,” Maggie chuckled at me. We were now sitting on opposite ends of the sofa, where the three of us migrated to the sitting area a few hours ago. I half sat, perched on the outer edge of the sofa while Maggie sat slightly upright with her hands clasped in her lap. She looked like she could be stargazing but was just glancing at the ceiling in the fashion of an impromptu therapy session.
“How do you mean?” I grinned at her.
“I was in high school; I was in year nine and she was in year eleven…” she started.
“Okayyy, so now we know Maggie likes older women!” I teased her. She smiled back, half-ignoring my joke.
“Aaaand she was straight,” Maggie stated. I felt my face slightly drop and I hoped she wouldn’t notice. But hers did too, as she made a flat line with her mouth.
“And I loved her…” She paused. “But she loved her Rugby-star boyfriend. They were the most popular couple in school. And she hardly knew I existed.” She scrunched her nose, but she wasn’t crying or anything. “And it’s not like I could be mad at her, she could be with whomever she pleased...” She sighed. “More than anything, I was mad at myself for letting myself fall for her,” she sighed.
“Bloody hell, that sucks. Her loss…” I tried to affirm.
She didn’t say anything. “Hey, from what you and Nina have been telling me tonight, you can’t help how you feel… sometimes when you fall for someone you fall into each other… and when they don’t reciprocate it just…ngk,” I tried to find something more comforting to say, I had started that thought without knowing how to finish it.
“But it doesn’t matter now, cause now there’s Nina,” she interjected with a smile. “And I love her more than all of those others combined.” She sat up, crossed her legs, and faced me. “I never thought I’d be so lucky to find someone like her.” Maggie smiled with her teeth and eyes, like someone does when they talk about their favorite person.
“Make sure you tell her that,” I said softly, not wanting to bring down the mood. I simpered and made eye contact with her. “Make sure she knows how you feel.”
Shortly after, Nina rang at the door. I held my door open for her; Nina moved in like one might roll through a stop sign. She had a tall bag of groceries in her arms, set it down on the coffee table, and started passing out the food like rations.
“Maggie, I grabbed you a pint of birthday cake flavor and a bag of those shortbread biscuits you like,” she announced and handed the frosty Ben and Jerry’s carton to her. Then she slid over the quaint package.
“Thank you, love,” she took the ice cream and set it in front of her. She smoothly stood up and searched for the kitchen. “Crowley, dear, where is your cutlery?” Maggie politely called.
“Kitchen is down the hall, spoons are in the top drawer, left of the sink,” I manifested, snapping my fingers and filling the drawer with essential cutlery. The only kitchen utensil I’ve really needed is a corkscrew. I hadn’t had any guests here before, so I didn’t think to acquire any.
“The baked Alaska flavor is mine,” Nina announced, “Unless you ask nice enough, then I’ll let you try a bite.” She gave a light smile and glanced up. “I grabbed some classic Walkers chips and I wanted to try the Worcester sauce flavor, so I grabbed that too. We all can share both.” Nina retrieved the bags and tossed them onto the table.
“Crowley, I couldn’t decide what you might like, since you drink far more than you eat, so I got some things that are salty, savory, sweet, spicy, and sour!”
“Aggghh, Nina! You didn’t have to do that,” I tried to say graciously, but ended up sounding clumsy.
“Nonsense! This is the time for indulgence, plus whatever you don’t like Maggie and I will take.” Nina set out a pint of ice cream called cookie dough switch up, then proceeded to dump the rest of the paper bag’s contents onto the table. There were so many colorful cartons, bags, and wrappers I didn’t know where to start. I saw a rather long paper receipt resting on the bottom of the mountain.
“Nina, let me p-“I started to offer as I reached out my hand. She snatched the paper and crumbled it into her pocket.
“No, I won’t hear it. It’s our treat!” she affirmed. “Besides, you’ve got that IOU to pay off with the liquor shop. Maggie returned with three spoons and a couple of tea towels, handing each of us a spoon. I started to object, but Nina pointed her spoon at me and her look of stubbornness told me that I should shut it.
“Thank you...” I finally said and picked up my ice cream to inspect it.
“You’re quite welcome, Crowley. It’s our pleasure,” chimed Maggie as she scooped herself a bite. “And once we find what you like, we’ll know what to get next time.”
“Next time?” I looked up as I took off the plastic seals. “You mean you want to come back here? I don’t want you to feel like you have to…”
“Why wouldn’t we? Friends are supposed to spend time with each other like this, even if it’s just for fun,” Maggie clarified.
“I guess I’m so used to loitering in Aziraphale’s bookshop I hadn’t thought of-“ I explained. It felt odd to say his name again.
“Hey, let’s not focus on him, let’s focus on the now,” Nina redirected. She was right in this, I knew. “And now, you need to focus on that Ben and Jerry’s before it melts away!” she snickered.
We all talked till the wee hours of the morning, getting into casual debates over trivial things, and laughing fits over each other’s embarrassing confessions. Nina shared lore of her rebellious high school days, and Maggie admitted that one of her guilty pleasures were trashy American reality shows. I told them about my Laudanum-fueled escapades, and they absolutely lost it.
Nina gave me an improvised mini lecture about the stages of grief, the stages after a breakup, and shared her experiences with both. Although some of it was rather earnest, she gradually slipped into slap-happy tired ramblings that left both Maggie and I quite entertained and enlightened. In other realizations, we figured out I liked the Worcester sauce flavored crisps after I devoured most of the bag. I seemingly had no reaction to sour candy, but quite enjoyed the ice cream and biscuits.
I watched as my pals started nodding off through conversation, leaning their heads on the nearest furniture. Aziraphale was becoming more present in my mind once again and I began to ruminate. I felt more neutral towards him in that moment, but I couldn’t tell if it was out of numbness or desire to sleep. I knew I wasn’t at the stage of acceptance yet, as Nina called it. I glanced back up and found that Nina and Maggie were now slumbering on the floor next to each other. One of them had taken it upon herself to drag the chair cushion onto the floor with them for a makeshift pillow. I wish I’d retrieved some extra blankets and pillows earlier, but the two looked so peaceful and I didn’t want to risk waking them by moving myself off the couch to get them or put myself into bed.
I stretched out on the sofa and got situated the best I could. As I took a final glance at the pair sleeping, I mentally wished them goodnight. They looked so tranquil, lying next to each other in their day clothes, limbs casually intwined.
I thought again to the way I longed to hold and be held by Aziraphale like that. Not with any other intention than proving the other warmth and comfort during slumber. In the other room, the other side of my bed was still empty and unused. I guess at this point I should let myself roam the whole bed again and make my bed for my own comfort each morning.
Although I loved my new pals and felt more connected with them after this evening, it obviously wasn’t akin to the friendship Aziraphale and I had made over the course of 6000 years. I loved Nina and Maggie for their kindness and dedication, it was a little like the trust Aziraphale and I had formed. But I still pined for Aziraphale in a romantic way that I couldn’t let go of. I know there will never be anyone who knows me better than him. I’m certain that even if I find human partners along the way, I’ll never love anyone as much as I loved - still love - will always love, my angel.