Chapter Text
If anyone asks, I'll tell them we both just moved on
"Hey lieu? Can you get Barba to answer his phone? We've been trying to call him all morning."
Olivia kept her head down as she continued to her office. "I don't know where Rafael is."
"You guys share a bed. Kinda hard to lose track of him."
"Rafael and I are no longer together."
"Wait, what?" Amanda dropped her phone, "what happened?"
"Call me if there's break in the case or if something happens to my kids."
When people all stare I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk
"Do you think their kid suddenly turning up pushed them over the edge?" Sonny asked.
"They seemed fine," Fin murmured, "right Rollins?"
Amanda squirmed in her seat. "They wouldn't break up. Not like that. Not now."
"What is the whole deal with this kid thing?" Nick closed his laptop. "Liv took a bite out of my arm, I think I deserve to know."
"It's a long story."
"So shorten it."
Amanda glanced uneasily into Olivia's office. The door was open, but she wasn't looking at them. "Liv and Barba knew each other way back in college..."
x
Olivia gripped her pen tighter as she listened to Amanda tell her story, taking care to leave out Rafael's mental decline.
She wanted to slam her door close, but, then they'd know she was listening in on their conversation.
Whenever I'll see you I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue
Pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
Stupid. She was so stupid.
How could she do this?
How could she have let him back in?
He left the last time when things went to hell, why did she think it would be any different now?
She glanced at the now empty side of the bed. Why couldn't anyone love her enough to stay?
"Momma?" Selena said softly and Olivia scrambled to dry her eyes.
"What's up my love?"
"I had a accident. I'm sorry."
"It's okay you have nothing to be sorry for."
Selena twisted her pajama top. "I changed my pants already."
"Okay. I'll come change your sheets in a few minutes."
"When is Mr. Rafa coming back?"
Olivia cleared her throat and got out of bed, "let's go get you some fresh sheets."
If anyone asks, I'll tell them we just grew apart
What do I care if they believe me or not?
"And you guys decided to end things? Just like that?"
"Yes."
"There was no discussion about anything?"
"No Rollins. Are you done asking questions?"
"Ye— no. It just makes no sense. I know things got a little rough before Layla showed up, but I don't believe you guys would throw in the towel like that."
"I cannot control what you believe Rollins."
"Yeah, but Liv—"
"Amanda, stop! It's done. We're over," she slammed a lid on her cup, "stop asking questions."
Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart
Olivia looked at the cup on her desk. She didn't even want coffee, but sleep had been elusive the past few nights.
He would have made her coffee, the best she ever had. Or have a relaxing night at home.
Now he's gone and she was back to being alone with 2 kids.
Olivia scrambled for the bin when she felt her meager breakfast making a comeback.
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
"What's wrong with the broccoli Lena?"
Selena pouted as she poked at the limp vegetable. "I liked the way Mr. Rafa made it. When's he coming back?"
"I—"
"He doesn't love us," Noah whispered, "he left cause he doesn't love us. He's a bad friend."
"Nuh uh. He was a good friend. The bestest friend."
"Then why'd he leave?!"
"Hey, hey," Olivia reached across the table to grab both their hands, "I know it's hard, but, we'll be okay. We always find a way to be okay."
"Cause we have each other?" Selena whispered.
"Yeah." She glanced over at Noah's red rimmed eyes. "I promise it would be okay sweet boy."
I'm talking in circles
I'm lying, they know it
"Barba," Fin hissed into his phone. "Call me back. Liv is giving some bullshit story about you guys and you need to explain."
"Did he answer?" Amanda asked nervously.
"No."
"Want me to call TARU to track his phone?"
"At this point, we might as well."
Why won't this just all go away?
Olivia leaned against the elevator as it began it's ascent. She thought yelling at Rita this morning would help, but it just left a bigger hole in her heart.
Her head hurt so bad and she wanted to drown herself in wine but then who would stop her kids from falling apart?
Is it over yet?
She dragged herself out of the elevator and towards the familiar door. She kicked the door because it took too much energy to lift her hand to knock.
There were muffled curses before it opened.
"Liv? It's after 9," Fin said softly. "What's goin' on baby girl? And don't say nothing, you been off all week"
"Turns out I'm just as stupid as I was 25 years ago."
"What?"
Can I open my eyes?
"He's gone Odafin."
"Who's gone?"
"Rafael. He left me."
"What?"
"Don't act like you don't know. I know you guys talk."
"Fuck Liv, if I knew I woulda told you or talked him out of it. What did he say?"
"Absolutely nothing. I woke up and all of his things were gone and he left this." She pulled the crumpled note out of her pocket. "I was just worth three words."
Is this as hard as it gets?
Fin grabbed the paper and frowned at it.
I need space
-Rafael
This made no sense. Rafael and Olivia were happy. They were good. "Was he having an episode?"
"I dunno. I... I guess I got too much for him."
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
"I..." tears started rolling down her cheeks, "I pushed him to therapy when I know he hated it."
"Liv..."
"He was mad at me because I wanted to leave the hospital. May-maybe he was too mad to love me anymore."
"That's not true."
"Then what's the alternative Fin? He just decided to leave with no explanation like last time?" She leaned forward and put her head on his shoulder as tears started steadily pouring out. "I can't do it again Fin."
Cry
Fin held her close as a sob ripped through her body. "I'm here Liv. It's okay."
Cry
He felt his eyes sting as Olivia's sobs turned into muffled screams. He was going to kill Rafael Barba.