Chapter Text
Joel finds himself unable to sleep that night, so he drags himself to Frank’s at 6 a.m. when it opens. It’s not his usual routine, but he thinks that seeing Ellie pass by on her way to school will ease some of the anxiety that makes it hard to draw a full breath. He pesters Bill into making Ellie’s favorite drink and wrapping up extra pastries for her to eat at school before settling into a table by the window where he can see the sidewalk. When she walks by, he waves to her through the window before exiting the cafe. “Good morning,” he greets with a smile. “I, uh… got you somethin’ to eat.” Joel sheepishly holds out the cup and bag.
Ellie smiles tiredly up at him as she takes his offerings. “Thanks, man. I’m fucking starved.” She takes a sip from the cup and her smile turns appreciative as she looks behind Joel to wave at Bill, who is glaring from behind the counter. He nods in acknowledgment and disappears into the kitchen as Joel chuckles softly.
“How are you feeling?” he asks as she turns and starts to walk toward the T stop.
She shrugs and sighs, purposely bumping into him as they walk. “I’m fine,” she insists, though her statement is punctuated with a yawn. “Just kinda tired still.”
Joel hums softly and rests his hand on her shoulder. “Offer to skip school still stands. You could spend the day nappin’ in the office,” he reminds her gently.
He’s not surprised when she shakes her head. “Nah,” she says as they reach the corner and wait for the light to change. “I have a math test this morning. I don’t want to miss it. Making up tests is a pain in the ass.”
The mere mention of a math class makes Joel’s heart feel like it’s stuttering in his chest, but he breathes through the momentary memory of bloodstained hands and desperate gasping and continues on next to Ellie. They reach the T station and Joel squeezes her shoulder gently. “Alright,” he reluctantly agrees, “but if you start feelin’ sick or too tired to stay at school, you call me. Got it?”
She nods and bumps his side again. “You worry too much.” She yawns again as the train approaches. “Thanks for breakfast. I’ll see you later.”
“See you, kid,” he says as she descends the steps to the train platform.
The walk back to his apartment is surprisingly quiet without Ellie next to him. Joel sets his phone ringer extra loud as he climbs the stairs up to his apartment, just in case Ellie needs to reach him. Puttering around the apartment is useless, but he takes the time to deep clean the bathroom and kitchen to keep his mind from wandering to Ellie and how she’s faring at school. As he gets ready to open the shop for the day, he considers calling Ellie’s school to check on her. His phone is already in his hand when it rings, causing him to jump at the unexpected volume of his ringtone. The number on the display is unfamiliar but local, so he answers quickly.
There’s silence before he hears a pathetic-sounding sniff that has him on alert immediately. “Ellie? That you?”
A moment of heavy, uneven breathing before, “Yeah.”
He’s shoving his shoes on and grabbing his jacket as soon as she speaks. “Hey. Y’alright, kid?”
She sobs, sharp and painful, as he barrels down the stairs. When she doesn’t answer, he prompts, “Talk to me, kiddo. What’s goin’ on?”
She sniffles, and he feels his heart break a little at how young and miserable she sounds. “I wanna leave,” she mumbles.
Joel nods in understanding even though she can’t see him. “Okay. I’m already on my way. Do… I can’t sign you out. Where should I meet you?” he asks her gently.
There’s rustling on the other end of the call, like she’s brushing her sleeve against the microphone accidentally. “The T station,” she whispers.
“Okay,” he soothes. “I’m about to get on the train. Be careful, kiddo.” Ellie sniffles again before the call disconnects. He stands impatiently for the fifteen minute train ride, scanning the platform as the train pulls into the station. He hops out as soon as the door opens and weaves his way through the people exiting the platform, anxiously looking both ways before crossing to the inbound platform. He spots Ellie sitting forlornly on a bench under an overhang, her legs swinging slightly as she digs her toes into the concrete over and over. Her face crumples when she sees him, and he finds himself jogging over to her, arms outstretched.
“Hey, you,” he says gently as she stands shakily in front of him, her expression confused as he carefully grips her waist with one hand and her cheek with the other. “Oh, Ellie,” he breathes. Tears start to well in her eyes at his words, so he murmurs reassuringly and pulls her into his embrace. “Alright, kid, I got you.” Joel kisses the crown of her head and rocks them back and forth for a moment before pulling back and cupping her face once again. “I got you,” he murmurs again as he examines her. “Let’s get goin’ so you can relax a little for once, hm?”
“Okay,” Ellie whispers tearfully, closing her eyes as Joel carefully wipes away a tear with the pad of his thumb. With a reassuring nod, he tugs her into his side and wraps his arm around her shoulders before sitting on the bench to wait for the next train. Joel keeps his arm wrapped around her shoulders once they board, squeezing her close when they sit side-by-side. He runs his hand up and down her arm when she leans her head against him, unusually quiet. Her head is heavy against his arm, and when he looks down at her, he realizes she’s fallen asleep against him. It stirs something deep inside him, the overt trust she displays in his presence. He hopes he can do enough to deserve it.
Joel tilts his head to watch her, reaching over to grab her hand and run his thumb over her knuckles as they approach their stop. “This is us,” he murmurs when her eyes slowly blink open. Tears spring to her eyes again, and he pulls her close enough to press a kiss to her temple. “I got you,” he whispers into her hair. “You’re alright, kid. I got you.” When they reach the station, Joel carefully guides Ellie off the train and pulls her into his embrace once more. “Just a couple of blocks, kiddo. We can manage that.”
Ellie nods and angrily wipes at her face, pressing close to Joel as he leads them to the shop. He unlocks the door and pauses just long enough to turn on a few of the overhead lights. Bringing Ellie into the office, he slides her backpack off her shoulders for the second day in a row. “C’mere,” he soothes when she removes her jacket. “Come sit.”
He takes a seat and pats the cushion next to him in invitation. Ellie obeys, curling up on the sofa next to him and pressing her face into Joel’s bicep. “I dunno why I can’t stop crying,” she sniffles.
“Sometimes everything feels a whole lot worse when you’re real tired. Reckon that’s part of the problem,” he murmurs as he runs his hand over her hair. “Did you sleep last night?”
She shakes her head, taking a shuddering breath and holding it for a moment before releasing it quickly. “I was on punishment for causing a scene at church,” she admits, shame tinging her tone. “I had to scrub the floors. It took the whole night.”
Joel stares down at her, eyes hardening as he considers her words. “You were punished for nearly dyin’? Am I understandin’ you right?”
“I didn’t ‘nearly die,’ I just passed out. They had to stop the service and everything when the custodian found me,” she insists, voice a little stronger as she gets defensive.
He runs his free hand through his hair roughly and takes a deep breath. “Tell me exactly what happened on Halloween, kid. Please.”
Ellie hunches in on herself a little as she slides away from Joel and starts to pick at the fringe on the blanket. “I wore a black shirt, which apparently meant I was trying to summon Satan, so David put me in the boiler room until lunch. I got a headache and felt kinda sick after a while, but I figured it was because I didn’t eat,” she shrugs. “Then I woke up in the emergency room. It wasn’t really a big deal. I’ve been sent to the boiler room before and nothing like that ever happened.”
Joel swallows all of the anger he wants to expel in favor of releasing a small sigh and smoothing his hand up and down her arm a few times. “Sounds scary,” he murmurs neutrally.
She shrugs and curls against the far arm of the sofa, flinching slightly when he moves to drape the blanket over her. He apologizes, laying his hand on her ankle and squeezing gently. “Why don’t you try to sleep a little?” he asks gently. “I’ll give you some space.”
Ellie reluctantly nods and slides down on the sofa while closing her eyes, feigning sleep to avoid further conversation. Joel watches her for a few moments before standing up to leave the room. As he reaches the door, she softly calls out his name, causing him to turn around.
“Could you stay with me? Just… until I fall asleep?” she asks shyly.
He nods but hesitates for a second before silently walking back towards her. With a grunt, he lowers himself to the floor so he can reach her face. “Course I can,” he murmurs as he runs his thumb over the apple of her cheek. She turns into his touch, nuzzling her face into his palm as he trails his fingers over her hairline. “Just rest,” he whispers. Ellie falls asleep quickly, and Joel takes the time to observe her.
She looks so tired. It’s unnatural to see on someone so young. There are shadows under her eyes, and when he looks closely he can see where the still-healing bruises from her broken nose fade into dark circles. Her face is mostly relaxed in sleep, but there’s a slight furrow to her brow that Joel reaches out to smooth away with his thumb. Ellie makes a soft sound in the back of her throat when Joel moves his hand, and he smiles reflexively when she crinkles her nose in annoyance.
Joel stays on the floor longer than he should, taking note of the way her eyes dart back and forth as she starts to dream. With a soft sigh, he levers himself off the floor and hovers uncertainly over Ellie for a moment before quietly exiting the office and shutting the overhead light off. He pulls the door mostly closed behind him and settles on the stool by the register, debating whether or not he should bother opening the store; he glances back at the office and decides to do inventory, unwilling to risk waking Ellie by allowing customers in the shop.
He’s partway through the literature section when he hears Ellie moving restlessly and pokes his head into the office just in time to see her sit straight up with a strangled gasp. She sees the movement at the door and whimpers, pushing herself further back into the corner of the sofa in obvious fear.
“Whoa, easy. Easy, kid, it’s me. Just me. I’m gonna turn the light on for you,” he says as he flips the switch. She squints against the sudden brightness, and he thinks he can feel her headache from where he stands. Cautiously, Joel makes his way over to the sofa and sits at the far end, one hand extended to Ellie in invitation. She watches him warily for a moment before hesitantly crawling over to him and burying her face in his neck with a sob.
Ellie’s face is hot against his skin, and he presses his nose into her hair for a moment as his arms encircle her. He carefully pulls her into his lap, one hand cradling her head to him and the other slowly running up and down her arm as she breaks down.
He gently rocks her as she cries, humming in her ear in an attempt to soothe her. His shirt quickly dampens with tears and snot, but it’s not until he feels her body heave with the force of her sobs that he intervenes. “Can you take a deep breath for me, sweet girl?” he murmurs into her ear. “With me. We’ll do it together. Nice deep breath now.” He moves his hand down to her neck and rubs his thumb up and down as he exaggerates his own breaths in an attempt to help Ellie regulate hers. “Like that,” he praises when she manages a shaky but full breath. “Good girl. Just like that.” She fists her hands in the front of his shirt as she pushes her face into his chest, and he tightens his grip on her. “I got you,” he says when she whimpers in distress. It takes him a moment to realize she’s repeating something under her breath with each exhale. When he lowers his ear to hear better, his heart breaks. “Sorry,” she’s choking. “Sorry, ’msorry, ‘msorry.”
Joel has to blink back his own tears as he carefully maneuvers Ellie so he can see her face. “Ellie,” he breathes as he cups her cheek with his large hand. “Shh… you haven’t done anything wrong. You don’t haf’ta apologize, sweet girl.”
She sobs harder at his words, her body nearly convulsing in his arms, and he feels adrift with the weight of her emotions. Joel finds himself genuinely wondering how to help her calm down when she finally starts to gain control over her tears. He holds her tightly to him as her sobs slow to wet hiccups, his lips pressed to her hair as he murmurs a steady but gentle stream of nonsense to her. Once she’s laying limp against him, she clears her throat and coughs so he carefully slides her off his lap and onto the sofa before getting a bottle of water and an ice pack from the refrigerator. As he sits, he uncaps the bottle and holds it out to Ellie, giving her a small smile when she takes it with trembling hands. He gets up briefly to grab a few paper towels, dampening a couple in the bathroom sink before snagging the discarded blanket from the floor and sitting on the sofa once more.
Ellie tips sideways to lean against Joel’s arm, snuffling softly when he maneuvers her back into his lap. He carefully drapes the blanket over her before sweeping the hair plastered to her cheeks from her red-rimmed eyes and pressing a kiss to her forehead. When he leans back, he gently wipes the tears and snot from her face, pausing a few times to kiss her hairline. She’s half-asleep in his arms when he uses the remaining paper towel to wrap the ice pack. “Close your eyes, my sweet girl. This’ll help that headache,” he murmurs as he lays it across her face.
Joel holds her for a long time after her breathing evens out, hesitant to do anything that may disturb her fragile peace. Eventually his arms start to go numb, so he eases her down to rest against his legs. He cards his fingers through her hair gently, relieved that the repetitive motion seems to soothe Ellie. She’s pliant and warm against him, one hand held in a loose fist pressed to her forehead.
His mind wanders to her life outside of the shop. She never talks about friends or even other kids at school, and she’s fiercely secretive about whatever happens in the house she lives in. He knows her guardian is a preacher – saw him once, after the incident at Frank’s that left her with a sore wrist for two weeks – and that he searches Ellie’s belongings daily when she returns at curfew. Something about that man just doesn’t sit right with Joel, but he can’t put his finger on what.
The next time Ellie awakens, she’s still in Joel’s lap. She stretches lazily before her eyes shoot open as she realizes where she is. Joel smiles down at her and brushes the hair from her eyes. “Feelin’ a little better?” he questions gently.
She lets out a soft breath and closes her eyes, her brow furrowing as she takes stock of herself. “Kinda,” she says hoarsely. She sits up as she clears her throat, gratefully taking the water Joel offers her and downing the bottle in a few gulps. With the back of her hand, she wipes her mouth and tosses the bottle into the garbage can, wincing when it misses the mark and bounces onto the floor. “Ugh,” she mutters disgustedly.
“I’ll excuse it just this once,” he says, resting his hand on her back as she leans forward. “But you’ll have to show some improvement next time.”
Ellie grabs the discarded damp paper towel from earlier and roughly drags it over her face. “I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that before,” she mutters. “Sorry.”
Joel nods, considering her carefully as he looks her over. “Sorta felt like you needed to let go’a somethin’ big,” he offers softly.
She shrugs nonchalantly, but Joel can see the lingering stress and defeat etched in her eyes. He knows all too well what happens when emotions are suppressed for too long without an outlet. He takes a deep breath, steeling himself for what he’s about to say next.
“When I was your age… I didn’t have anyone to talk to.” He clears his throat, unused to having to share personal details, let alone his own failings. “My dad took off when I was still just a kid, an’ my mom had to work three jobs just to pay the bills. Think I was eleven when I got my first job, ‘cause I had to be the man of the house. Help her out, y’know?” Joel clears his throat again, shaking his head in frustration at his own lack of eloquence. “I know it ain’t the same, the way you grew up, but… I was real alone for a long time. Not talkin’ ‘bout things, it became a habit. An’ then when– when real bad things started happenin’, I couldn’t talk ‘bout ‘em.” He runs a hand over his face and sighs as he leans forward and balances his elbows on his knees. “Still can’t.” He glances over at her, eyes shining earnestly. “I don’t want that for you.”
Ellie observes him seriously, her eyes clouded with an emotion he can’t put a name to. “Sarah?” she asks quietly.
He nods sadly, maintaining eye contact as he leans back slightly. “Shit fell apart after Sa– after she died. Thought it’d fallen apart before, when my wife left, but… I had no idea how wrong I was.” Joel inhales sharply and closes his eyes for a beat before opening them to focus on Ellie once more. “You’re such a good kid, Ellie. A good person. You’re bright an’ you’re so kind. I hate how much you haf’ta deal with. Your biggest problem should be keepin’ outta the stupid trouble kids get into at your age, not… not where your next meal is comin’ from, or if you’re safe in the house you live in.”
He leans back all the way and rests his arm along the top of the cushions, wrapping it around Ellie’s shoulder when she brings her feet up onto the cushion and leans into him. “Point is… point is, it’s not good for you to keep all the bad shit inside ‘til it explodes. I ain’t good for much, but… I got ears. An’ I want to listen,” he says as he moves a stray strand of hair out of her eyes. “I’ll listen to whatever you have to say.”
Ellie meets his gaze for a moment before looking down and resting her ear over his heart, her fingers idly worrying a button on his shirt. “I don’t know where to start.”
Joel’s hand moves to rub small circles on Ellie’s back. “You don’t have to start anywhere,” he says softly. She stays silent for so long that Joel looks down to see if she’s fallen asleep. Her gaze is unfocused, so he asks the first question he can think of. “How was your test?”
Ellie’s eyebrows furrow in confusion for a moment before she tips her face up to his. “What?”
He strokes her hair gently for a moment. “You said you had a math test this morning. How’d it go?”
She shrugs and looks away. “Okay, I guess. It kinda didn’t feel real. Like I was watching a movie or something.”
Joel sighs and rests his cheek on top of her head. “Sounds like you were too tired to function right.”
Ellie stays silent and picks at a stray string on his shirt before sitting up and sliding away once more. She reaches over to grab Aldous Tuxley from the desk and hugs it to her chest as she runs her fingers over its soft fuzz. “How do you do it?” she asks somberly.
Joel turns to sideways on the sofa and leans on the cushions, his head propped on a fist. “Do what?”
She presses her face into the penguin’s head and closes her eyes. “Get through the days that are bad every year. Like… like the day Sarah died.”
Joel blinks hard at the second mention of Sarah in just a few minutes, but he considers the question. “I didn’t. I don’t.” He focuses on his hands, watching detachedly as he curls and uncurls shaking fingers into a fist. “She’d be ashamed of me, the way I changed after.”
Ellie stays silent for a long time before looking up at him, a flicker of sadness in her eyes. “I just… I keep thinking about how fucking terrible the last couple of Halloweens were.”
He shakes his head slightly and looks over at her with concern. “What happened last Halloween?” he asks gently.
She tenses. “Have you ever seen a dead body? Like, a real one.” As soon as the words leave her mouth, her face twists in horror and she tries to moves away from Joel. “Fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck, no, I didn’t...”
With a shake of his head, he holds his hand out to stop her from spiraling. “I know. I know, ‘sokay,” he interrupts. “Have you?” She blinks at him, not comprehending his question.
“Have you seen a dead body?” he clarifies, gaze focused on her expression. The look of muted panic on her face tells him the answer. “Last Halloween?” he prompts.
Ellie nods slowly, her breaths becoming increasingly frequent. Joel shifts toward her slightly but doesn’t touch her, not waiting to stir any additional unwanted emotions. “Someone you knew?” he questions softly, dreading the answer. She nods again, hesitantly. “A grown-up?” He bites his lip hard when she shakes her head.
“Riley,” she rasps. “Her name was Riley.”
He can sense the return of her tears and tries to head them off. “I’m so sorry, Ellie,” Joel murmurs softly as he extends his hands out to her, palms up.
She takes a shuddering breath and clenches her hands into tight fists for a moment before hesitantly reaching out to take his hands. “I dreamed about her, before I woke up in the hospital. She was happy. She had her family back. She was… wanted. She belonged to them.”
Joel has gotten better at reading other people’s emotions over the years, and it’s not hard for him to make the connection between Riley’s family and Ellie’s lack of one. His voice is tight with emotion as he responds, squeezing her hands tightly in his own. “Sweet girl, you’re wanted,” he murmurs urgently. “You belong.”
Ellie shakes her head and pulls away to wipe away the tears on her face. “No one wants a 14-year-old ex-con, Joel,” she argues weakly as a tear escapes her waterline. “Even juvie didn’t want me.”
He rests a hand on her knee and squeezes it gently until she meets his gaze with watery eyes once more. “You’re wanted,” he insists firmly.
Ellie tenses and draws away from him once more with a resentful laugh that breaks at the end into something like a sob or a hiccup of pain and disbelief mixed together. “If I was wanted, I’d have a fucking family,” she says bitterly as she stares at something on her jeans. “I wouldn’t be locked in the fucking hole and forgotten about. And I wouldn’t have to spend every minute worrying about what the fuck he’s going to do to me next,” she snaps.
Joel’s face falls at her ominous words. “Ellie, what do you mean?” he asks urgently.
Ellie takes a deep breath and tries to push down her anger. “Nothing,” she says, her voice trembling. “Just forget it.”
Joel shakes his head, a determined look in his eyes. “Kid, what do you mean?”
“Fucking nothing, Joel,” Ellie insists forcefully, sitting up slightly.
“Bullshit,” Joel snaps. “Did he intentionally hurt you on Halloween?” he demands.
She turns away from him, her expression hardening as she says, “No.”
Joel watches her for a moment, trying to reconcile her behavior with what little he knows about her home life. “You’re afraid of him,” he realizes slowly.
Ellie scoffs and pulls her knees to her chest. “He can get me to be tried as an adult. Of course I’m afraid of him.”
He shakes his head and sits forward without reaching for her. “You’re afraid he’s going to hurt you,” he says assertively.
“I’m not afraid of that,” she maintains angrily.
Joel stands suddenly and runs his hand over his face in frustration. “Jesus, stop lyin’ to me, girl. Just tell me the truth. What has that man done to you?”
She swallows hard and looks away, her shoulders shaking slightly as her anger grows. “He makes me feel like I’m nothing. Like I can’t matter or be wanted or belong or anything like that because I’m too fucked up and too violent to exist in society. Is that what you want to hear?” she says furiously.
Joel deflates at her words. “None of that’s true,” he says softly.
Ellie looks up sharply at the sudden change in tone. “What?”
Joel sighs deeply and sits on the sofa heavily, causing Ellie to bounce on the seat. “You’re not fucked up. And you’re certainly not violent. Where the hell would you get an idea like that?” he probes.
“How do you think I ended up in juvie, Joel? It’s not like I was running around committing tax fraud,” she growls.
“Look, I ain’t gonna pry into your past ‘cause I know you don’t wanna share it with me, an’ that’s fine, but I’m not about to let you go on thinkin’ you don’t matter ‘cause that’s just a load of horseshit,” Joel tells her earnestly as he slides closer to her on the sofa. “Look at me?” he requests softly. Ellie hesitates, but eventually turns her head to face him. Joel places a comforting hand on her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. He clears his throat, breaking the momentary silence. “You’re smart, and you’re brave,” he murmurs, “and trust me when I say that there are people out there who care about you.”
She scoffs, shaking her head. “Like who?”
“Like me,” he says simply. “You matter to me, Ellie. You think I’d be sittin’ here if I didn’t care about you?”
Ellie’s eyes begin to water, and she forces back a sob, scrambling forward so she can lean her forehead against Joel’s chest. He wraps his arms around her and holds her gently. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, clutching onto Joel’s shirt.
“Shh,” he whispers, rubbing his hand up and down her spine slowly. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
She lets him pull her closer. “I’m not usually so much of a fucking crybaby,” she sniffles.
“I know,” he assures her gently. “Think I’ve spent more time with you in the past few months than I’ve spent with anyone else in years combined.”
“It’s not my fault you’re a hermit.”
“I’m not a hermit, you little shit. I interact with people every day.” Joel reaches down as Ellie sits back, cradling her face in his hands. “Please let me report him,” he requests softly.
Ellie closes her eyes and presses her face into his hand. “No. If there’s a report, they’ll put me back in juvie without an investigation, and I’m not going back there.”
Joel nods, reluctantly accepting her decision. It kills him, not being able to do anything useful, but he also understands Ellie’s fear of being sent back to juvenile detention. He doesn’t want to make things worse for her.
As they sit in silence, Ellie lightly shoves Joel’s arm until he slides to the end of the sofa. She curls on her side and rests her head on his leg, humming appreciatively when he pulls the blanket over her once more. “Go on back to sleep,” he murmurs.
“Joel?” she asks sleepily.
He rests his hand on her hair, fingers scratching her scalp lightly. “Hm?”
“Next year, can we not celebrate Halloween?” she whispers hesitantly.
“We can celebrate or not celebrate whatever holidays you want, kid,” he reassures her. “‘Cept Father of Texas Day. Ain’t skippin’ that rodeo.”
She cracks one eye to look at him suspiciously before closing it again and burrowing closer. “That’s not a real holiday,” she murmurs, the corner of her mouth twitching as he huffs in disbelief.
“Damn yankee kids, ain’t knowin’ nothin’ ‘bout anythin’. It’s a real holiday,” he insists. “It’s tomorrow, actually. The ghost of Stephen Austin visits all the good boys and girls to give them a cowboy hat.”
Ellie turns and opens both her eyes to glare skeptically at him for a moment. “You know I’m expecting a cowboy hat tomorrow, right?”
Joel shakes his head fondly. “It ain’t up to me, it’s up to the ghost of Stephen Austin. Go to sleep already, he ain’t gonna come if you’re awake.”
She smiles for real and closes her eyes. “That’s Santa Claus, not Stephen Austin.”
He grumbles goodnaturedly about the lack of proper Texan education in Massachusetts as she drifts off once more.
And if he spends the next morning scouring Boston for a cowboy hat, well… Ellie doesn’t need to know about it.