Chapter Text
Wanderer woke up with uneasiness in his stomach, sensing that the day ahead would not have mercy on him. But that was every day for him, since being the “Dendro Archon’s shadow” meant daily social interactions. If he was lucky, they only involved said Archon.
Unfortunately for him, Nahida has her “let’s make some friends today” smile on, instantly making Wanderer regret stepping into the House of Daena. Her method of socializing the puppet with people today sounds both better and worse than usual, as his task is to find and observe a Liyuen woman that’s been terrorizing Sumeru City for the last couple days by “giving random citizens implicit death threats”. He highly doubts that figuring out if a lunatic is a national threat won’t involve interacting with said lunatic, but a divinely created puppet can only hope.
-
“Well, hello there, stalking stranger.”
Shit.
Wanderer supposes it was only a matter of time since he’s been tailing her for half a day now. To be fair, the observation subject really wasn’t doing anything other than coming up to whoever glanced at her for even a millisecond and bombarding them with a myriad of questions ranging from “Hey! Quick question, how fast do you wanna be buried when you die?” to “Hello, would you be ok with a random stranger fiddling with your corpse? With your consent of course~”. Which, yes, still very concerning, but nothing actually dangerous so far, so he didn’t feel like he had to be on high alert anyway.
(If anything, he just stood back and enjoyed the show. Seeing people’s reactions to being randomly asked questions about death and funerals was extremely amusing to the puppet.)
Even so, being spotted doesn’t mean he’s ready to engage in conversation, so he opts to silently stare until The Liyuen Lunatic gets the hint. Unsurprisingly, she does not.
“No talking? Ok! I wanted to give you a chance to introduce yourself or confess your love to me since you’ve been watching for quite a while…”
Confess his love? What?
“…but we can get straight to the point. How strongly do you feel about the elderly praying upon your dead body?” pried the rightfully nicknamed Liyuen Lunatic, like she’s a reporter trying to get the scoop on an unsolved murder case.
Again, what?
“Wow, you’re actually not running away? Huh. But you’re not answering either. No problem! I’m used to talking to beings with unique communication styles,” the deranged woman winked, successfully sending shivers down the puppet’s spine. When was the last time someone managed to unnerve him like this?
“Well, as I do with spirits, which I’m starting to suspect you are one, though of phenomenally opaque constitution, I should probably introduce myself first. My name is Hu Tao, I’m the 77th Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, but most people refer to me as Director Hu,” proudly proclaimed Hu Tao.
Well, that definitely explains the topics of her “conversation starters”. Still didn’t explain why she felt the need to only introduce herself to spirits, but Wanderer couldn’t exactly judge. After all, he spent most of his time creating dead bodies, not burying them.
“But enough about me, what about you? What brings you here, or rather, what’s keeping you in this world?”
She still thinks he’s a ghost.
Holy shit, wait.
Realizing that there’s nothing in his job description that explicitly says he has to appear and present himself as someone living, Wanderer decides to indulge his humorous fantasies.
“I am but a wandering… spirit. I know not of my name, nor my purpose, which is what I wish to find,” eloquently sighs Wanderer. Man, maybe the people at Zubayr Theatre are onto something. This is fun.
“Oh, my poor dear,” cooes Hu Tao, face scrunching into a pitiful frown, something akin to looking at a lost puppy in the rain. “I wish I could help you, I’m quite good at finding souls’ purposes, it’s my job after all~” she winked again, and Wanderer is beginning to wonder if her left eyelid ever gets cramps, “but, unfortunately, I have quite an important matter with a phenomenally tight deadline to attend to, so if you’ll excuse me…”
The woman went to turn around, which Wanderer was more than grateful for, but then he remembered he was still on a mission. So, forcing his eyeroll away, he quickly grabbed onto her hand, and overdramatically screamed:
“Please! Don’t go! Le-”
Wanderer cut his definitely-not-award-worthy-performance off because the funeral director was staring at him with complete bewilderment and… fascination? Her eyes were practically glowing, glued to where he held her hand, an open-mouthed slight smile coloring her cheeks. He was about to be even more confused by the pyro-maniac, when he remembered…
He’s supposed to be a ghost.
Quickly letting go of Hu Tao, he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind, “I’m Inazuman.”
Well done, Wanderer, good job.
“Inazuman ghosts can touch people.”
You know, just to make sure she connects the dots I so eloquently connected.
“Because we’re Inazuman.
Yes, go on. Continue. Say more.
“We’re, uh, built different?”
If she’s a funeral parlor director, can I hire her to bury me in the grave I just dug for myself?
He watched as the Director’s smile grew, but, strangely, the light in her eyes appears to have slightly dimmed. Yup, she officially knew he was fucking with her.
“Wow! What a fascinating ghost!” Hu Tao practically screeched a pitch higher than one would expect. “Can I run experiments on you?” she beamed at him, the light back in her eyes in full swing.
Wow, Wanderer’s prediction of her intellectual capacity was definitely off. She’s even dumber than he expected. Which says a lot, he doesn’t expect much intellect from humans to begin with.
“Don’t worry, don’t worry, I’ll be as ethical as one can be” Hu Tao winked for the 50th time. Does she have to wink once for every Wangsheng Funeral Parlor Director every day or something?
“In fact, I’ll write up a contract! My consultant would be excellent for the job,” she said smugly.
“I’m afraid I’m too traumatized to take part in any experiments,” Wanderer deadpanned. “You know, being dead and all.”
“Right, right, of course. My deepest apologies, I just got carried away. It’s the first time in my many years of being in the funeral directing world that I’ve encountered a spirit I can actually touch. Quite a rare occurrence, indeed,” mused the Liyuen Lunatic.
“Right, yes, all is forgiven,” Wanderer said, accidentally slipping in some of his usual sarcasm. It gets tiring putting up an act for a long time, you know. He’s, reluctantly, starting to give the Zubayr people some credit.
“But could I at least join you on your journey? As you can imagine, most people wish to not be by my side…”
Ouch.
Method acting – not fun.
“…so, I haven’t been able to find purpose for my… spiritual existence on this plane from eyes but my own. I feel like if I join you, I may be able to find what I seek. You said you had an important matter to attend to?” Wanderer finished his dramatic monologue, finally getting to what he wants to know about the pyro-maniac.
“Oh! Why, of course you can join me! The more the merrier! Come on, let’s go!” Hu Tao grabbed his hand and pulled him into the crowds of Sumeru City.
This was gonna be a long fucking day.