Chapter Text
The next time he woke, Sirius only saw white. He blinked, winced, shut his eyes, and opened them gingerly to squint into the artificial light.
There was a humming and beeping coming from his left, but his head hurt too much to move. He tried to speak, but his throat was dry and he couldn’t manage a sound.
He shut his eyes again and tried to take stock in the darkness. His head ached, his whole body hurt, and he was having trouble remembering—.
“I think he’s awake,” he heard his brother say. “I think I saw his eyes move. Sirius, blink twice if you can hear me.” Sirius could swear he heard a note of relief in his usually emotionless voice.
Sirius lay there too confused to move. What was going on? Where was he? Why was his brother here, and why did he feel like a step away from death?
His eyes flew open as he remembered. Severus, Lily, and that horrible fight ending with Severus knocking him out hard. But then what? He was still alive, clearly, even if he found it hard to believe. There was so much blood gushing from his leg that he could have sworn Lily had nicked an artery. He would be dead if she had, he thought. Maybe he was dead, but he figured death wouldn’t suck so much or include his brother.
But then what? James must have found him and taken him to the hospital. Lily? Severus? Sirius shut his eyes again as defeat crashed into him. They must have fled, and with that, all those months, all that time wheedling away at Snape had meant nothing. He had failed, truly, immensely failed and at such a great emotional and physical cost to himself that he almost wished Regulus would unplug the machines beeping next to him and let Sirius die.
“Sirius,” Regulus said again, his voice getting closer. “I know you’re awake.”
Sirius opened his eyes again, his brother’s head hovering in the field of his vision. His brother, like always, defied the San Diego sun by never developing a tan and maintaining the look, as Sirius liked to tease, of a Victorian child on his deathbed. Pale, dark features, and a perpetually exhausted expression from the soul-crushing finance job at their father’s old firm.
“Oh, thank god,” Regulus said. “We really thought you were going to die. Look, Mother, he’s awake.”
To Sirius’s horror, he saw his Mom move to the side of her bed. She looked pissed, her once beautiful features pulled into the familiar expression of disappointment, scorn, and sourness.
Sirius tried to say something, but realized, with a grimace, he had a tube shoved down his throat. He grew aware of the sensation and started to panic. He started gagging, but that only made it feel worse, and he couldn’t move his hands from underneath the blanket to rip it out of his throat, which only made him panic more.
He shot a panicked look at Regulus, who realized and reached beside Sirius’s bed. “Shh, relax,” Regulus said. “I called the nurse. Stop it,” he said as Sirius continued to gag. “Stop panicking. You’re making it worse.”
“Sirius,” Mom said sharply, her tone immediately bringing Sirius to attention. He stopped, started breathing shallowly through his nose, and tried to relax onto the hospital bed.
The nurse came shortly after and extracted the tube. Sirius gagged and thought he was going to be sick.
“Look who’s awake!” the nurse chirped. She then launched into a lot of medical terminology that Sirius didn’t understand, but to which, Regulus nodded along and started to take notes in a small notebook he pulled from his pocket.
He did, however, catch the word coma.
“Wh-,” he rasped, his throat feeling like someone had shoved handfuls of sand down it. He shut his eyes and tried to gather himself. “Wh-.”
Regulus was the only one who noticed. “You were in a coma,” Regulus said sharply.
Sirius blinked stupidly.
“You lost too much blood, and we thought you were going to die. It was close.”
Mom hissed something under her breath. Regulus glanced over at her and then down at his hands.
“What,” Sirius tried again when Regulus didn’t continue.
“It was that foolish cop business,” Mom spat. “But that’s all down with now. You’ll come home, and we’ll take care of you.”
“Reg-,” Sirius managed, pleading.
“Sirius,” Regulus started, but Mom cut him off.
“Enough. He needs his rest.”
Regulus worried at his lip and avoided Sirius’s gaze. Sirius turned to the nurse, his expression pleading.
“Ma’am, he has been—.”
“And we should do nothing more to distress him.”
“Ja-James,” Sirius managed, his first broken word. Regulus glanced up.
“He’s okay,” Regulus explained quickly.
Sirius felt relief crash over him. There had been a horrible knot of tension in his chest. He didn’t know how long he had been out for, and he left James with a clusterfuck on his hands. He wanted to see him so badly his chest ached.
“Enough,” Mom said sharply. “Nurse, how long before we can take him home?”
“He still needs to be under observation for a little while longer. How about we give him some time to rest, and you can visit him again later?”
To Sirius’s relief, Mom relented and said a curt goodbye. Regulus followed after a sharp glance from Mom.
Before he did, he spoke quietly to Sirius. “I’m glad you’re alive. I was worried.”
Sirius gave a small smile, wanting to reach out to squeeze Regulus’s hand. He knew how hard it was for Regulus, the constant deferral to Mom’s unrelenting demands. He was glad his brother was here, and given the notebook, he knew he had been cared for for the last—how long?
After they left, he looked eagerly over to the nurse. “What happ-?” he tried again for the umpteenth time. The nurse sighed and pulled a chair over to sit beside Sirius’s bed.
“You were in a coma for the last twelve weeks,” she said, reciting facts. “You arrived with heavy blood loss, trauma to the brain, and several stab wounds. Your femoral artery was partially severed, and you were in critical condition when you arrived.”
She paused to let Sirius digest. He remembered the sharp cut of the knife, all the blood pouring from his leg, the blow to his head.
But twelve weeks?
“You were in surgery, and the doctors managed to stabilize you. However, the combination of factors put you in a coma. Your brain and body shut down to give you time to recover from the immense stress. We’ve been monitoring your condition and very happy to see you awake. In fact,” she said brightly, “we’ll get the doctor in here in a moment to check on you.”
A wave of fatigue fell over Sirius. He had so many more questions but didn’t know what to ask. James? Severus? He wanted to sleep again.
The interaction had taxed him, and he was still reeling from the knowledge. One more struck him before he slipped into sleep.
“James?” he coughed. “James Potter.”
The nurse nodded. “Yes, your friend. He’s been trying to visit, but until you were awake and able to give consent, we had to defer to your closest relations. If you would like to see him, we can admit him.”
“Yes,” Sirius sighed, mind fuzzing. He yawned, and his entire jaw ached. The nurse nodded, and Sirius fell asleep.
XXX
The next time he woke, James was there. He sat in the grey linoleum chair, his shoulder hunched over, hands in his lap and head bowed. He jerked up when he saw Sirius’s eyes open, and a wide smile of relief crossed his face.
“Oh thank god,” he said and reached out to press Sirius’s hand. “I’ve been worried like you can not believe. Your mom absolutely despises me. If it wasn’t for your brother, I would have lost it. Or broken in. But I would feel bad breaking into a hospital. The nurses are doing the best. Shit, how are you? How are you feeling?”
Sirius managed a groan that came out sounding partly like an affirmation. James’s eyes widened.
“Can you not speak? I know you can lose that, right, if you damage your brain. Should I call the doctor?”
“No,” Sirius croaked. “Rusty.”
Relief broke across James’s face again. Sirius asked for some water, and James helped prop him up and drink. Sirius shut his eyes in relief. James still looked worried and pressed Sirius’s hand again. “Oh, god, I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t annoying me left and right. Are you feeling okay?”
Sirius tried to shrug, and his body partly cooperated. It would take time before he could get anywhere close to his prior physicality. A twelve-week coma could take it out of you.
“Some,” Sirius said roughly. “What—what happened?” he asked and shut his eyes as the dread at the answer overtook him. He knew Severus had gotten away. He knew it had been all for moot, and it was tearing him up inside. You couldn’t fall in love, break both your heart’s, and then get nothing for it.
James’s expression sobered. “Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t know. I—.” He paused, and then seeing Sirius’s pleading expression, continued. “We arrived just as Snape and Evans—that’s the girl, Lily Evans—were rushing out. We got them Sirius, we did. They’re both in custody, the trial’s upcoming.”
The dread in his chest succumbed to a complicated mess of emotions that Sirius didn’t even want to start untangling. What he knew was that he was relieved. Enormously so. It wasn’t a waste, no matter how much it hurt.
“You got him, Sirius. You did. He’s done for, and he knows it. And with you back—. I just wish you didn’t have to almost die. We made it just in time, I swear. I staunched the bleeding, there was a shit ton, and we got an ambulance in time. It was close, though. Worst night of my life.”
“Riddle?” Sirius asked, trying to process the information. He wanted to know more; it wasn’t just Snape.
James grimaced. “No luck there. He got wind, and even with everything Snape provided, we can’t manage to hunt him down. He’s gone though. Operation’s a bust. We snagged the brothers, Avery, Rosier, you name it. Malfoy was the only sneaky bastard that managed to slip away. He has friends in high places, and nothing we press on him sticks. Moody swears it’s blackmail.”
James paused, let Sirius digest. “You were right. About Snape having that weakness we could exploit. We would never have been able to break him. He’s stubborn, smart, he would never, well you know. But, you’re right that it was the girl. Lily Evans. All we had to do was put some pressure there, and he opened up like a book.”
James frowned, turned away. “You know—,” he sighed. “I’m sorry. I can’t help but feel like I caused this.”
Sirius looked up at him. “How?”
“The picture of you on my phone screen. She wasn’t supposed to-,” James trailed off.
“How do you—her?”
James scrunched his face and sighed. “I picked her up one night. She was walking the streets, a druggie. But I didn’t—don’t—I’m not sure why I did it. But I took her to a hotel. She seemed okay about it, but I get that it’s, well you know,” he cut off, ashamed. “She probably didn’t see it as a choice. I feel horrible about it. I never did anything like that again.”
Sirius figured as much. He didn’t want to know anymore. “The boy?”
“Harry?” James asked. He ran a hand through his hair, abashed. “Yeah, well, he’s actually mine. My kid. He’s living with me now. Evan’s unfit as a mother. She’s in rehab, so if she’s able to recover, then we’ll need to look into joint custody.” James grimaced. “But we’ll deal with that when we get there. Won’t be for a while at least.”
Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, his brain officially overloaded. James noticed and eased back.
“Just rest, Sirius. We’ve got everything taken care of. Nothing more you need to worry about.”
Sirius knew that wasn’t true.
XXX
When Sirius could finally manage to walk across a room without collapsing, admittedly with a cane because his one leg was permanently fucked up, he said to James: “I need to see him.”
James glanced up from where he was feeding Harry. The boy grabbed at the spoon, spilling the pudding on the counter, and James frowned. Sirius watched the two of them. James looked remarkably well, the success of capturing the Death Eaters a source of pride and relief. The San Diego crime scene had quieted, with smaller players taking over the drug trade. Kingsley was stressed that they would rupture into violence in the vacuum, but the brutality of the Death Eaters and the fear it had inspired in the rest of the criminal world had caused a lapse.
Even the criminals wanted some peace.
The poisonings had also stopped. A small vial with a mixture of hemlock, foxglove, and white snakeroot found in Snape’s living room had tied him to the crimes. They put his body count in the thirties.
Harry was young enough that the loss of his mother didn’t affect him too deeply. Still, he cried a lot and would ask for her, and Sirius knew it bothered James.
Sirius didn’t care. That woman wasn’t fit to raise a child, and it would be better for Harry in the long run. James loved the kid and would make sure he was raised right.
What bothered Sirius the most was what he had done to the kid. During the fight, he had shot his gun once, shattering a mirror. Several splinters had struck Harry in the head.
Harry had a scar now. A crisscrossing of lines above under his hairline and above his left eyebrow that Sirius thought looked like a lightning bolt.
As James cleaned up the spilled pudding, he said, “Uh you’re not thinking of…”
“The only and only.”
James looked at Sirius and then back at Harry. After Sirius was released from the hospital, he had the choice of moving back to his Mom’s or in with James. It was a no brainer. He felt no guilt about it either, even with Mom screaming at him at the hospital until an attendant came by and told she had to quiet down or leave.
At some point, he would need to move back to his own place. He didn’t want to be alone like that yet.
Besides, he liked watching over Harry when James went into work. He was a cute kid, if a pain in the ass.
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” James fed Harry another spoonful, dodging his little fists.
Sirius flashed a grim smile. “Of course, it’s not. When have I ever had a good idea? But I need to see him, James. One last time.”
James sighed and patted Harry’s head. “He hates you, Sirius,” he said quietly.
“I know,” Sirius replied, hiding how much pain the words caused him. Even though it had been months, he couldn’t shake his heartbreak. He had a fear he would never get over it, which is why he needed to see Snape. He half-hoped the look of sheer hatred from the man would crush any remaining feelings.
James ran a hand through his hair, and Sirius could tell he knew better than to fight. Besides, Snape was locked up anyhow. Even with the plea deal that Snape had taken, he had still been sentenced a lifetime in prison. Thirty murders and involvement in a barbaric drug gang would do that for you. It would be a long time before he could do any more damage.
“Fine. You need me to drive or you think you can manage?”
“I can manage,” said Sirius and sat the cane down beside him.
XXX
The prison was on the edges of the Anza-Borrego desert, and from a distance, struck a lonely figure hunkering down under the relentless sun.
Closer, the prison revealed its teeth. Glinting barbed wire caught the sun and flashed like strings of gold. A few lone cacti scraped at the edges of the heavy wall that pressed heavy on the ground. Two guard towers struck out from the monolith, windows dark smudges.
Sirius had seen prisons before, and this one was no different. It only felt far more menacing as it happened to hold the man Sirius had loved and betrayed.
He had felt sick all day, like a jagged rock sitting low in his stomach. He hadn’t slept much the night before, the little he did was interrupted by nightmares. His leg ached, as it had started to do now and then. James had joked that maybe it could predict rainfall. Sirius said that didn’t make matter in San Diego.
A guard greeted Sirius, and he complied as they ran a check on him and scanned his car. They waved him in without problem, and he pulled into a parking spot. A tumbleweed blew across the asphalt, and Sirius stared at it in mild disbelief. He sometimes forgot how impenetrable the desert was. How the tumbleweeds and cacti and dust would far outlive him, no matter how much Sirius fought for life.
He sighed and turned his attention back to the matter at hand. He didn’t know if Snape would accept his visit, but it wasn’t like he could ring up the man and check. He had to hope Snape also wanted to see him one last time, even if to spit vitriol, so that Sirius could finally get over the man.
He leaned on his cane as he crossed the parking lot, wincing at the sharp desert sun. His leg hadn’t healed right, was unlikely it ever would, so Sirius had to learn to accept life as a cripple.
He knew, that if Snape saw, he would take some pleasure out of it. If there was one way to leave an ache that never quite went away, this was it. To take away Sirius’s athleticism, deny of him his love for surfing, leave him feeling physically lesser in a way that would never quite go away.
Sirius tried to make his peace with it, but it still hurt. He couldn’t bear to sell his surfboard yet even though now it was clutter.
The guard buzzed him in the building, and Sirius shivered as a cold blast of A.C. hit him. He checked in with the receptionist, signed his name, handed over his ID, and waited to be called.
Fifteen minutes or so passed when a guard gestured for Sirius to follow him. He did so.
He entered a sparse room. Two chairs, a table, no windows. The guard followed behind him and moved to stand in the corner. Sirius didn’t notice because he all he could do was stare at the dark-haired man curled over the table. Snape clenched his hands together, knuckles spotting white. His dark hair shrouded his face, and when he looked up, his black eyes burned with hate.
Sirius collected himself and crossed the room. He sat down in the chair, his bad leg aching.
No one spoke for a minute.
“I—,” Sirius started, flustered. It hit him fully that this would be the last time he would ever speak with Snape. There was no hope for reconciliation past this final goodbye.
“I needed to see you again,” Sirius continued. “One last time.”
Snape curled his lip in a sneer but didn’t speak.
Sirius met Snape’s gaze and steadied himself. The hatred in the other man’s eyes seared through Sirius. No one had ever looked like that at him before. He wasn’t prepared for it.
“I’m sorry,” he said, even though he knew Snape would resent the apology. “I am,” he insisted. “I didn’t want it to end like that.” He crossed his hands in front of him. “I’m not a fool, Severus. I knew what I was doing. I won’t lie and pretend otherwise. But I want you to know—.”
Snape sneered. “And why the fuck would I care to know? Answer me that, Black. Why would I care an ounce for what you have to say, you pathetic cock-sucking piece of shit?”
His voice hissed like venom; he spat Sirius’s name like a curse.
Sirius gripped the edge of the table. “Because I loved you. I did. And it’s going to kill me what I did to you for the rest of my life, and I know you’re going to spend the rest of yours envisioning horrible ways for me to die, and if you get your revenge, Sev-.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Snape, then. I want you to know that it wasn’t all a lie. If that matters at all.”
Snape rolled his eyes, the look so demeaning and humiliating that Sirius flushed.
“It doesn’t,” Snape seethed. “Not at all. You were a good fuck, Black, and that’s where it ended. I should have killed you the second I had the chance. I should have slipped poison in your tea. I should have burned you alive.” He leaned over the table, dark eyes fixed on Sirius with a frightening intensity. “And I still will. Have no doubts about that, Black. Tomorrow, five years, ten years, fifteen, fifty – I will be there. I will be there, and I will kill you. And I’ll make it slow and sweet. Because no suffering, no pain, will be enough for you.”
Sirius held the gaze and stared into the pit of Snape’s hatred. He could hardly reconcile the man to the one he remembered, who would look at him softly and smile with the edges of his mouth. He thought back to the last few days where they watched over Harry and pretended at fatherhood. Sirius shut that part of his life away.
It was over. They had both suffered. There was nothing more to say.
“Till then,” Sirius said softly. He stood up and left, sparing one final look at the man he had loved and betrayed, wounding them both in the process.
Perhaps one day they would see each other again, Sirius thought grimly, and when they did, they would both be men with no love left in their scarred souls.
XXX
Sirius stared distantly at the line blurring sky and sea. The sun had started to set, and hues of red and gold merged the two together.
“Sirius,” James said, and Sirius jolted from his reprieve. He could tell that James had called his name more than once by the worried look on his face. Sirius smiled it away.
“Yeah?”
“We were talking,” James started slowly, and Sirius could tell he was leading to something uncomfortable. Sirius leaned back on the towel and stared at James and his brother, Regulus, whose eyes were obscured by dark sunglasses. Remus had offered to babysit Harry tonight, so they were taking advantage of not having to worry about an energetic toddler.
Regulus was a new development, but during Sirus’s twelve-week vacation from the world of the living, James had come to rely on Regulus for health updates, and through their texts and phone calls, had become friends. Sirius could also tell that they were starting to become something more, even if neither of them had realized yet.
He doubted that James or Regulus were aware of it. It was hard not to be, the way that they looked at each other. As far as he knew, Regulus wasn’t gay, but the world was full of surprises, and he knew Mom would absolutely lose it when she found out. Sirius was going to do everything in his power to be there when she found out.
As Sirius waited for James to continue, he looked back across the ocean. It had been nine months since he had visited Snape, and it had helped. The therapy was also nice. His leg was healing some, even though he still would never be able walk right. He had returned to work in a limited capacity. The police force regarded him as a hero.
It still didn’t feel right, and Sirius doubted it ever would again. The months with Snape had altered something deep inside him. He wasn’t the man he used to be, and he didn’t know what to make of the new man standing in his place.
James coughed uncomfortably, and Regulus decided to spare him. “The tattoos. You’re welcome to keep them,” Regulus prefaced. “It’s your decision, of course. But I don’t know if you want to think about getting them covered. Or removed.”
Sirius pushed his sunglasses down from his forehead and didn’t speak. He had ended up with three tattoos from Snape—the skull on his shoulder, the priest and skeleton on his chest, and a small plant tattoo on his ankle.
He stared at them often, and he figured James or Regulus must have noticed. Well, Regulus, he thought. Nothing escaped his brother’s eye.
Sirius smiled again, glad he had sunglasses on because he knew the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Nah,” he said casually. “I still think they’re pretty sick.”
Regulus watched him, and Sirius knew that Regulus knew he was lying. He didn’t think they were ‘sick’, but now were such an integral part of him, he wouldn’t know how to do without. Besides, he didn’t want to stick something else on top as if it had never happened. He would always know they were there, and he didn’t see any sense in pretending otherwise.
James sighed. “Okay, we wanted to ask.”
“Appreciate it,” Sirius said. “But no. No, think…think they’re a part of me now. Especially after…” Sirius sighed. “I’ll be okay. Promise.”
James smiled at him and slung an arm around his shoulder. Regulus continued to watch him until James slung his other arm around him. Sirius watched as Regulus stiffened and then relaxed imperceptibly. To Sirius’s disbelief, he even leaned into James. Maybe now it was time to start planning for the wedding.
“We know, Sirius,” James replied kindly. “You’re my brother. I love you.”
“Love you too,” Sirius said, knocking his head against James. “And you too, Reg, even though you hate it.”
Regulus didn’t return the words, not that Sirius would have ever expected him to. Instead, he enjoyed their presence and the steadiness of James beside him. Maybe everything would be okay, he thought. As long as he had his brothers.
“So,” he drawled, suddenly mischievous. He glanced over at the two of them. “Have the two of you hooked up yet or what? The tension’s been killing me.”
James choked, Regulus paled and then blushed violently, and Sirius burst out laughing as the last rays of sun disappeared behind the dark ocean.