Chapter Text
25/12/844
Dear Levi,
Wait, no, maybe “dear” sounds way too formal. Let me start again.
Levi,
I guess I’m writing this because I fear once I start talking, then I might as well just never stop. Letters are always easier, aren’t they? Like you can say whatever comes to mind without having to care if you've made a fool of yourself (which I’m pretty sure I already did, anyways).
It’s not like you’re gonna read this, either, right? Well, I thought about it, but Erwin talked me out of it before I even had a choice. He says you’ve got a lot going on at the moment, and that it’s better to leave you off alone. To be fair, I wasn’t that sure about it at first, you know? From my experience, being alone has never done me any favors. Quite the opposite, actually— HA!
Anyways, Erwin is usually right, and I usually get myself into trouble for being too clumsy and out of place. So, I suppose, maybe for now, I should just probably listen to him.
Isn’t it funny, though? Instead of doing research work, I’m scribbling down on this chunk of paper…
Maybe it’s because I still can’t get that image out of my head… of you sitting by yourself in the dining hall. Your back was turned towards me, but your head was low, and you hadn’t touched your food… It was almost as if it was palpable, or visible, in every inch of your posture. Is it because of your friends...?
Farlan and Isabel. I try and say their names before I go to bed. They were real people. With real lives. And dreams. And feelings, just like any of us. We didn't get to talk much, but they seemed sweet. Wish I could have invited them to diner, like I promised that one time. Do you think they’d have liked stew? Not to ruffle my own feathers, but rumor has it I'm pretty neat at cooking! Impressive, huh?
Excuse me, I’m rambling…
I guess what I’d really like to tell you is… I’m sorry. About your friends. And about everyone else treating you like garbage. God, I'm so, so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of it. You look like someone who’s lived many, many lives in one. And like that’s made you tough enough to deal with pretty much anything. But still… it’s not fair, you know?
I can only imagine you curled up in your bed, and how sullen it must be that the room’s now gotten bigger… and my heart just beaks for you, really. It’s not because I pity you— before you dare say anything— but because I’ve been there, too. In the end… that’s just the nature of the Survey Corps, I suppose. To lose the people we love. To have to watch them go, eventually.
It never gets easier, though— losing people. I’d be lying if I said it does. What I can assure you, however, is that you learn how to live with the pain. There comes a time where the weight in your chest just finds its place there, and… then you don’t feel like it’s occupying space anymore.
Of course, you can trust me to never tell you any of this, eh? You see, back when we first met, you glared at me like you could kill me with your bare hands, HA! I get it, though. I may have seemed like a creep, asking an abnormal amount of questions like that... It’s just that I was so excited! When I watched you fly in your ODM… to be honest, I’d never seen anything quite like it. It was… It was like lightning cutting through the night sky. Or like a gust of wind had made the trees shake! It awakened something in me I had no idea was in there.
Sorry, sorry… I know, here I am... acting weird again. Oh, well…!
Long story short, all of this was to say... I like you, Levi. You interest me. After Erwin told me it was your birthday today, with everything you went through lately, I just felt terrible knowing you’d be spending it alone. So, I don’t know, I guess I just wanted to share some words with you? I picked up my notebook, like it was natural instinct. And then everything flowed! As if my hands had gained a life of their own and my thoughts just poured out of me. Obviously, that was all before... well, before Erwin convinced me to quit it.
Hope you’re okay, though. And that I can still invite you out to the diner we were gonna have along with Farlan and Isabel.
Treat that as a birthday present, alright?
See you around,
Oh! And, Levi, it IS gonna be okay. I promise.
I'm just glad you're here.
Hanji x
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25/12/845
Levi,
You should have seen your face! If I could draw as good as Moblit, I'd have done a portrait of you just so I could show you now. That's how priceless it was!
I shouldn't have been as surprised, though... I just couldn't help it. I know you've seen the stars after coming off the Underground. But a comet!? Those are rare as Titan shit— HA! We got so lucky!
Seriously, though, it was fun— to see you light up like that. I've come to think you've got the expression of someone who's used to bearing too much sadness. So, tonight, getting to look at you look up at the sky, so full of fascination... It was something, you know? Like one of those moments you wanna tuck away into a little bottle and keep them safe forever. I have no clue if that makes any sense whatsoever, but still...
You didn't smile, of course (and I would have teased you to no end if you did). But it was there— the wonder. I could see it, in how your lips twitched just the tiniest bit, or in the way your eyes opened so, so wide. Even though you tried your best to hide it, it was like you were a little kid all over! (Though I shouldn't assume this, eh? I didn't know you as a kid, so...). For now, still, let's just say I'm gonna pat myself on the back and call it a win.
Anyways, I'm really glad I brought you here. I have no idea why you don't like celebrating your birthdays, but I won't ask, I promise. I won't tell anyone, either. This can be our little secret, something between you and I— and well, maybe Erwin.
I can see you shake your head now, being like "tch, I don't need any of this, Four Eyes". But you won't get rid of me that easy, huh! And, you know... because it's me, I'll try and come up with an idea for us to do every year. December 25th; yeah, I've got good memory! Don't worry, though, I won't ever throw you a party or anything (you don't seem much of a party guy, either). Maybe next time I'll bring you tea, or knit you a sweater, who knows...! The possibilities are endless.
I should probably go to sleep now. It's weird, though— I've tried, but there was something about being up on Wall Maria that filled me with a buzz I can't seem to shake off. Perhaps I'll invite myself to your room so we can sneak out to see the sunrise. Should be in an hour or so from now, right?
You'll most likely tell me to "piss off", either way, I know, but I really just love watching you watch the world. If I'm being honest, it's a sight more delightful than any comet could ever be.
Alright, alright...! I'm really branching off topic, and you must be tired of all my rambling already. So, overall, I just hope you had a nice birthday.
I'm happy that you're here with me for another year.
See you around,
Hanji x
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25/12/846
Levi,
I don't really know if I should say "congratulations". Erwin looked thrilled he was finally named Commander. But you? You were not happy at all with being promoted yourself. To be fair, though, you almost never look happy. I've come to notice (because I'm a scientist, and we science people are very observant), that with you, it’s always all about the details.
Yes, you can pretend it annoys you all you want, but I know you're relieved— that I can read you. And that you never have to explain yourself to me.
As I was saying, I've observed you enough to learn your micro-expressions. A bit creepy, I must admit, but it was easy— watching you. Just before I realized, I was searching for you after diner, or trying to steal a glance at your reactions during training sessions.
I became quite the expert, in the end. I guess, that's what observing does to you. You can't fool me now, huh! I know the exact number of wrinkles that form around your nose when you're mad. Or the way that permanent frown of yours vanishes when you find convenient prices at the store.
Anyways, the thing is that Erwin is now Commander, and we're both Captain and Squad Leader, respectively. And that you were, certainly, not happy about it whatsoever.
What seemed to upset you the most, though, was when Erwin said we should go out for drinks to celebrate. Knowing him, it was probably more of an excuse to take you out on your birthday, but still.
Now I'm in my room, — sure a bit tipsy from those three pints I drank—, and I can't help but laugh about it all. You're a terrible dancer, by the way, has anyone ever told you? I never personally spotted you as the dance-y type (Dancey? Did I just invent a word? Oh, well...). I guess I just thought you'd be more... graceful.
You see, I'm not the greatest dancer myself, either, but... something happened to me when I dragged you to the dancefloor, holding your hand. It was like… Like I was filled with energy! Like sun had burnt my skin and made it ache. I don't know, maybe this doesn't mean anything and it was just the beer making me feel things. But— maybe.... AAAAA, bodies are just weird like that, right?
I could see it in you, too, actually— the nervous energy. So, at least, I'm kind of relieved I wasn't the only one. It was your "tch", and how your earlobes turned the lightest shade of pink. That was a new one for me, you know? I don't think I've ever seen you blush— HA! Now I'll get to tease you about it. How lucky of me!
Overall, I hope you had a nice birthday, little one (yeah, I call you that in my head sometimes). I sure did have a blast *trying* to dance with you.
Glad you're here with me for another year.
See you around,
Hanji x
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25/12/847
Levi,
When I gave you the tea-can earlier, the look on your face could have only meant two things:
1) "This must have been expensive as hell."
2) "You're batshit crazy for spending on it."
I told you, though! I wasn't gonna throw you a birthday party, but you had to expect a gift from me, at least. I like going all out!
Anyways, it was a nice surprise that you came down the lab with two mugs instead of one. And that you talked about your mother.
You told me that you had this same tea-can at home, in the Underground. And that your mom had gotten it for trade from one of her clients that lived up here. Your entire face softened when you mentioned her— how graceful she was. It was like seeing sugar melting on the stove.
Of course, I didn't ask— if she's alive, or what happened to her. I didn't mean to be intrusive. But the way you spoke in past-tense... oh, I'm sorry, Levi. I'm so, so sorry. Really. If she was anything quite like you, then I'm sure she was a wonderful woman.
To be honest, I don't know either— whether my mom's alive or not. You see, I never talk about this for a reason. I ran away from home when I was fourteen. My parents were... well, let's just say... not good people. I was mischievous, and rebellious, and asked too many questions. They most definitely did not like that.
My grandpa was the closest thing I ever had to a father, or a friend. He did die, though. He was mischievous, and rebellious, and asked as many questions as I did. I guess, back then, it not only made my parents uncomfortable, but the Military Police as well...
It was the reason I joined the Survey Corps, you know? You may not believe this, but I was once full of rage, too. I'm just lucky I could turn it into something better— passion, purpose. I'm certainly not proud of how it used to be. You should have seen me, all those years ago; shouting down the hallways, kicking titans' heads... I just hope you never get to see it again. If you do, I'm scared you might never look at me the same, and that I never forgive myself for it.
I have no clue how you do it, though— carry yourself through life. Back then, if they'd given me the names of the fuckers who took my grandpa, I'd have killed them on the spot. You, on the other hand, (and I know you'll get mad at me for saying this) are gentle. If you wanted to, you could break necks with a single blow. Or seek revenge towards the world for what it's done to you. But you choose not to. You actively, every day, choose not to.
Yeah, yeah, you probably don't like me reminding you of all this. But you're kind, Levi. You stay in the lab with me while I’m working, and you trust me enough to tell me about your mother. And you share this expensive-ass-tea I bought for you.
You're a good person. Much better than I'll ever be. I know you don’t think that you are, and that you worry others may also think that you’re not. But it’s true— you’re a good man.
See? It doesn't even matter I spent half my budget on this! (You’ve been warned, you won’t ever hear a word about it). You deserve to have nice things, little one. Also, it was pretty neat to hear that tiny hum of satisfaction you made when you drank from your cup. I know not many things surprise you nowadays, either. So, I'll take my pride in knowing I did— HA!
Hope you had a good night. And that you had a great birthday— yeah, that too!
Happy you're with me for another year.
See you around,
Hanji x
P.S: Thank you for the tea. Literally the best one I had!
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25/12/848
HAPPY BIRTHDAYYY TO YOUUUU
HAPPY BIIIRTHDAYYYY TOOOO YOUUU
HAPPY BIIIIIIRTHDAYYYYY LITTLE LEVIIIIIIIII
HAPPY BIRTHDAYYY TO YOUUUUUUUU
Alright, as you might have guessed, I’m drunk as hell— though not as drunk as to not write something down for you. The wine Erwin brought was just too good to waste!
It was a nice surprise, really— being the three of us together. Of course, it didn’t last for long. You know how Erwin’s always too busy playing politician… So, I guess it’s just you and me now.
To be honest, I don’t know why you like staying at the lab. You come often to watch me as I work, sometimes even bring me tea. I always ask you if you ever get bored, since half the time I’m just babbling things to myself. You never answer, — classical you— but I do like to think you’ve found some kind of comfort— here, with me.
I know it because you sleep. I can see you rub your eyes, first thing in the morning, when we enter the mess-hall for breakfast. The nights you spend here, though, you don’t look half as tired.
Now you just asked me what was I writing about, and rolled your eyes when I told you I had to file in my latest research. I’m sure you don’t believe a word I just said, given the state that I’m in, but I guess I’ll be able to live with it.
White suits you, by the way. It brings out the pink in your skin, and also fits your grey eyes and black, black hair. Knitting for you was fun, after all. Wait, okay, don't laugh, but knitting has always been fun— at least to me. I think it reminds me of my grandpa, and how I used to wrap him up in a billion colorful scarves until he looked like a fluff-ball. I really miss him, and those simpler times, some days, you know...?
Anyways, it's late and you're dozing off... and I have no clue why I'm still so jittery about that. I've read, in one of those old anatomy books Erwin has, that we're at our most vulnerable when we sleep. I guess I'm just glad you trust me enough to sleep around me. I'm just glad to see you're even sleeping at all.
It's also very cute— to watch you sleep (if I ever said this to your face, which I won't, I'm sure you'd kick my ass for it). You stare at me through those long eyelashes, as if you were fighting not to give in, but then you slowly do... and it just makes me feel some sort of way, you know? Like I've swallowed an entire beehive and they're trickling— no, stinging— on the inside. All at once.
It's curious, you see? I've never felt that way before! Oh well, for now, I’d rather not go there… I'll just blame it on the alcohol (yes, againN). Or maybe it’s just that I'm too tired and should get some sleep as well....
AAAAAAAAA, yeah, fuck it, right? None of it matters, anyways. I don’t wanna think too much of it.
Overall, I'm just happy you're with me for another year, Levi. Hope you have a good night and the sweetest of dreams.
See ya tomorrow!
Hanji x
P.S: I've never swallowed a bee, just in case you wondered.
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25/12/849
Levi,
I messed up! I know I told you I could cook… it’s just that I got distracted, and now… that cinnamon roll I was making looks like literal horseshit.
I’m sorry about that.
I think, the reason was I couldn’t get Ilse Lagnar out of my head. It isn't just her discoveries (that I found fascinating, by the way), but also the fact I had to visit her parents...
That's one of the reasons I didn't wanna be Squad Leader, I suppose. I'm meant to be a little lab rat— to hoard books and papers, and just explore. I accepted the offer, in the end, because I believe in Erwin's vision, and I'm determined to help— however it is that I can. But I'm telling you, deep down, I know I'm not cut out to lead anything— or anyone. I don't wanna bring the bad news to all these families...
Ilse— these people— were sons, daughters, partners, friends, siblings... they were not just another number on our list.
My grandpa used to tell me people could hold entire universes inside of them. It's why I always try and remember the names— the faces— of the fallen, I guess. Farlan, Isabel... I haven't forgotten, you know...? They were sweet, and an important part of you. I believe, that makes them an important part of me, too.
If I ever have to go again to a family home, and tell those parents that their kid is gone... I wanna do what my grandpa would have done. I won't say that their child was key in serving humanity, or any of that diplomatic bullshit. I'll tell them that their kid was hilarious, or how they tended to their comrades' wounds, or that they were great at sewing back our uniforms...
These were people, Levi. People. Just like you and me. I want them to be remembered for that— not their military ranks or prowess. This world has broken enough hearts, and it'd kill me to ever contribute to any more of that...
I’ve decided, if I can make the most terrible news lighter to at least one family... If I can stop one single mother from dropping to the floor... then maybe I'm glad I became Squad Leader, after all.
Now I'm in the kitchen. You came in five minutes ago and are set on making me tea. Thank you for that. Watching your little head move back and forth between cabinets is sure some kind of comfort.
I couldn’t sleep. And it was not just because I knew I had screwed your birthday present, but because… what if it was you, Levi? I just wouldn’t stop thinking about it. Instead of Ilse, it was you. And I had no one to deliver the news to…
I don’t know, why did I go there— why it was you the first person popping up in my head. I find that it’s usually you— the first person I think about, in pretty much any case. And when I do, when I think about you… there it is again; the beehive. In my stomach. In my chest. All up inside of me. Sometimes, the bees pinch me in a pleasant way— like there’s a flower growing from within. Others, like today, they dig and dig and dig until it hurts.
It'd destroy me to lose you, Levi.
And I know— I know I said it didn’t matter, and that I didn’t wanna look too much it into it. But… I care for you. I can’t help it. I care for you in a way I’ve never cared for no one else. I search for you in the diner and before expeditions, I try and find silly excuses for you to come to my lab…
I can’t do anything about this. I don’t know if I ever will. And no— it’s not because of the anti-fraternization policies, and what they all say, that soldiers shouldn’t grow close to one another. It’s because you’re my best friend, Levi. You’re my dearest, most beloved friend. I’m too scared, too clumsy, to ruin this precious, fragile thing we have. Shit, we spend so much time together! I could never see you in the face again if I ever messed it up.
“It looks like horseshit, doesn’t it?”, you tell me now, as you put the cinnamon roll on the table, there between our two tea-cups.
I laugh because it does. It really does. And just like that, the bees that dug on me now are back to pinching— trickling all too gently. I promise, I won’t act on them. That can be your birthday present this year— and well… all of the years to come. At least, it’s much better than this burnt attempt at baking I did!
In the end, I’m just happy that you’re here with me a little longer, you know...?
See you around, little one
Hanji x
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25/12/850
Levi,
I'm just really, really glad I'm here.
You just had a bad dream, and I wrapped you in my arms like I was a big cocoon. It was nice— that you let me hold you, and that you felt safe enough to bury your face in my chest while I did so.
At first, I didn't think you'd tell me— what was it that woke you up like that. But then... God, I'm sorry. I know that doesn't fix anything, but still... I'm just— I'm so, so sorry.
You were a kid, Levi. A KID! And you were thrown into the world— well, the Underground, nonetheless— with nothing but a knife in your hands. I can't even begin to imagine how terrifying it must have been— to be defenseless like that. My entire soul crumbles just trying to think about it.
Remember how I told you I was once full of rage? Well, this proves to me you're a much better person than I am (as if I didn't know already).
If I had been in your shoes, I'd be happy that Kenny— hell, that asshole— is finally gone. But that's not you, Levi. That could never be you. Your eyes are sad, and you're drenched in sweat. And you look like you're broken inside. Like seeing your uncle has brought back that kid who was once lonely, and scared, and hurting.
You didn't deserve any of it. I mean it. And maybe you've already heard this, but it wasn't your fault. Not in the slightest. You're kind. You're brave. You're good enough— to the world, to me, to everyone. You should have been cared for, tucked in a warm bed and given all the best tea in the world. Just... not abandoned. God, never abandoned.
Now you're taking a shower, and I'm here on the bed we happened to share, writing to you. You're never gonna read this, of course, but if I was ever brave enough to send it, then you'd know how much I loved pressing your face to my chest. Or that I could thread my fingers through your hair until you stopped shaking.
It killed me— to hear how small your voice had gotten. For a moment, it felt like that kid— the same who came back upon seeing his uncle— was still there somewhere, waiting for someone to tell him it's okay.
I guess it all makes sense now, in a way. Your strength, your desire to be a hero. Even how much you and Mikasa resemble each other...
I hope you're aware you don't have to save anyone to be valuable. You don't have to bend who you are to impress. Not me, at least. I understand how your uncle leaving may have made you think that... but it's not true.
I mean, who goes and leaves a literal CHILD like that!? It makes me so sick; I can hear my pulse quicken.
Anyways, I shouldn't be talking about myself like this. This isn't what this letter is about. Tonight, you told me something so personal... something so deeply felt... I suppose I'm doing my best in processing it altogether.
I just never wanna see you ache again, Levi.
And, as much as this world might force me to one day, I just never ever wanna leave you, either.
So, I don’t know… just— happy birthday, you sweet, sweet boy.
Tomorrow, before we take it back to headquarters, I’ll wake you up with some tea, and those lemon and ginger cookies you like so much. For now, though, I'm just really glad you're here with me for another year. And I'm glad— God, I'm so, so glad— I was here to hold you, too.
See you in a couple hours,
Hanji x
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18/01/850
Levi,
I know I made that silly promise to write these letters on your birthdays only, but... What. The. Fuck?
YOU... JUST... KISSED... ME...
YOU. JUST. KISSED. ME.
YOU JUST KISSED ME!!!
To be quite honest, out of all the ways our first kiss could have gone about, this was the least I expected. Not that I had any previous expectations whatsoever, you know? But still...
We were arguing, which we rarely do. I'm sorry I said those things that hurt you, by the way. I do think Erwin's made a mistake by making me Commander, but I don't wish the explosion would have killed me so that I didn't have to be. As much as I never asked for this, I'm still glad I'm here. I really am.
Maybe it was all these wounds boiling up inside me that made me snap like that. I didn't mean to grumble at you like the bummer that I've been lately. I must admit, I was so filled with frustration, I'd have shouted at whoever crossed that door first. It just so happened to be you...
I'm sorry about that. God, Levi. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I've noticed I can barely feel anything after Shiganshina. There are no more bees and butterflies. No more sun upon my window. Just... this void that's settled deep in my chest and that's threatening to swallow me whole. I've lost my eye. I've lost my lab. I can't even recognize myself when I look back in the mirror.
I'm sorry about that, too. I shouldn’t have taken it out on anyone, just out of spite.
I guess that's why the kiss came as such a shock. I told you, I was empty, I was aching, and then you said something I won't ever forget. "Hey, you’re not that special, Four Eyes. Don't you think it kills me to know my decision made the one person I love feel miserable?"
You… You love me, Levi…? I didn’t think you’d ever say it. Much less in the way that you did. Not that it wasn’t good. God, it was better than just good. It was more than I’ve ever imagined you would say. It’s just that… I didn’t know what to answer. I was speechless. It was like all the feelings I was lacking suddenly rushed back to me. Like the beehive, and the butterflies, and the scorching sun were all mixed into a tornado that flipped me over.
I guess I can say it now, though. I love you. I do. Fuck it, I love you. You took my heart to pieces, bit by bit, and now that you’ve occupied all of it, there’s not a single space that you don’t completely own.
I can never speak it out loud, you know this. You made me promise that, right after we’d kissed. You looked at me through those long eyelashes, tucked my hair behind my ear, and begged me not to, with the utmost tenderness.
I understand why you did so, Levi. I understand. And, though the words had already formed on my tongue, and I’m clumsy and oblivious, I swallowed them back. I won’t ever let them escape for you to hear. I won’t ever betray the core of what we have.
I’ve never had this— this soul-piercing connection— with anyone else before, you know? At least, not in a long time. It’s fun, right? I often find myself thinking “what would Levi do?”. I often find myself thinking of you, more than I think of any other thing. And, I don’t know… now that we’ve kissed, I can see us holding hands under the table, sharing cups of tea...
It’s foolish of me, yes. I’m Commander of the Survey Corps. People may believe I have more important matters to attend at the moment. But, Levi… don’t I deserve a little happiness? To dream, even if just a tiny dream? The world’s a bleak place already. Every other human wants us dead. At this point, I don’t care if holding hands and drinking tea is all we’ll be allowed to. I don’t even care if I sound stupid, or childish, or selfish for wanting this for myself in the midst of my sadness.
This— whatever it is that we share— is good enough for me. You are good enough for me. God, you’re so good to me.
Okay, now I’ll stop rambling and go look for you. It’s getting boring being alone in my room, and I wanna cuddle with you until the sun rises. If not, then maybe I’ll just think of new ways I can annoy you. That’s always a blast!
Seeing you in a few minutes, little one.
Hanji x
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25/12/851
Levi,
I’m bad with words, you know this. The good part of it, is that you’re just as bad as I am (if not worse, oops). Maybe, that’s why we make such perfect team, right? We’re often misunderstood, —me for being too awkward, you for being too harsh— but, at the end of the day, we do understand each other.
I guess that’s also why I brought you here. I just couldn’t find the right words. It’s what grief does to you, huh? It ties your throat up in knots, and then you feel like you’ll choke out the moment you try to speak on it. There’s no explanation to death, nor catch-phrase that can fix the brokenness it leaves on its wake. If you ask me, just as death is senseless, I had no good reason to do this— only the feeling that I had to take you visit our comrades. You wouldn’t tell me, either, but I know. The headquarters are as empty as ourselves. And you, too, felt it was wrong to celebrate when there are so many people who can’t do so anymore.
If Erwin was here, he would know what to say (probably something along the lines of “all these sacrifices helped humanity move towards the truth” and whatnot). I’m not Erwin, though. And so, all these graves look like nothing but distant to me. If you think about it, it’s only names carved on stone. I can’t find Moblit’s helpfulness, or Mike’s sense of humor, or Petra’s warmth.
All graves are made the same— grim, cold, grey, stiff. They don’t resemble the person that’s buried underneath. People hold entire universes inside of them, grandpa would say. And well, scientifically speaking; planets, galaxies, universes themselves, were much more than just names on stone. Don’t you think, in the end, we deserve to be remembered in a way that’s actually authentic to who we are…?
Anyways, it’s just stupid thoughts, I suppose…
Now we’re under a cherry-blossom, staring out at the yard. The weather is pleasant, despite it being winter, and you sit beside me as I write. I never told you, but I don’t know where grandpa’s buried. At first, it bothered me— not having a place to visit. I guess now, with your head on my shoulder and the wind in our hair, I kinda don’t care. He was so joyful… so full of fire and curiosity! A lifeless stone could never do him justice the way my memories have.
Isn’t it so much better… that I can carry him with me wherever I go, instead of having him anchored to a patch of grass? I don’t know… I know nothing these days, Levi.
I wonder, though, if you feel the same about your mother. Or about your uncle. Or about Erwin. You loved him, didn’t you…? I did too. Is that why you’re holding your own hand…? I’ve seen you do it before, when you wake up from nightmares, or after especially rough expeditions…
It makes me think of little you, lost and afraid in the Underground, clutching to your tiny fingers because you had no one to hold them for you. I promise I’ll do it next time, when I’m done writing. I’ll squeeze your palm with mine, and kiss each your knuckles until you’re right again. You’ll probably tell me to “fuck off”, or that it’s disgusting because I’m “filling your hands with my saliva”. But I’ll see the hints of a smile from the corner of my eye. And I’ll smile, as well.
That’s my birthday wish for you, I guess… That I get to see you smile again. It’s just been so long… And God, oh— God forbid me for saying this, but… I love it when you smile, Levi. I love it so, so much.
So smile for me, please. I’ll hold your hand when there’s no one around to look.
Love,
Or… well… that word I promised I wouldn’t say,
Hanji x
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25/12/852
Levi,
I can't believe we're here. We're at the beach, but it's snowing!!! SNOWING!!!
Have you ever seen such a thing!? The sight’s so beautiful, I might as well describe it, (my hands are freezing, though, so I doubt my handwriting is anywhere near legible right now).
The kids have come with us. Armin and Mikasa are making snow-angels. Sasha and Connie have built a snow-fort for Jean to toss snowballs to. Eren’s pacing alone, throwing things at the water...
Instead, you and I have our little blanket in the corner. Like we're inside one of those crystal balls you shake to see the snow fly. I can hear the ocean’s hush, see wisps of white in the wind. It's all so precious, I'm honestly speechless (and that's an accomplishment in and of itself when it comes to me—HA!)
My favourite part of this, however, is getting to watch you watch the world. I can see it in you again— the same expression than when we saw that comet, all those years ago. Your pupils blow, your lips twitch, — almost like you wanna give in and smile, — and then the crease between your brows smoothes off. It looks good on you— the child-like awe. There’s always been something pleasing about it, in ways I don’t know how to explain just yet.
Now you reach out for my hand, when the kids are all distracted. And I feel as though I'm a teenager again— oh, how my chest bursts with joy at such simple gesture.
Truth is, I don't regret it, Levi. Waiting until no one looked to sneak out kisses, or to lace your fingers up with mine. I don't regret being here, in this world, watching the snow fall on the beach with you.
I wish it could be like this forever, though; — you and me, the children, a canteen full of tea to keep ourselves warm.
Right this moment, our enemies, what lays beyond the sea— none of it matters, you know...? I'm not Commander Hanji, you're not Captain Levi— humanity's strongest, or any of that bullshit. It's just us— in our most human, regular form. And it almost feels like family.
I'm grateful for it— us. I'm grateful for this little blanket, and for the tea, and for your hand in mine. Sometimes I think (I never say it anymore, because I know it might hurt you), that it should have been Erwin instead of me. That Paradis doesn't need me like it did him.
It's days like these, though, that I'm happy to be alive. I'm happy to be with you. I'm happy to be here.
God, Levi— I'm so, so happy to be here.
I'm happy that you are, too.
Thank you for another wonderful year. And for helping me put my gloves on— I know it was probably just an excuse to hold my hand. It was lovely.
See you around,
Hanji x
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25/12/853
Levi,
Everything's a bit of a mess right now. Or, that's what usually happens when my head just won't stop racing.
If Eren's in Marley... I think he might have tried to contact Zeke. And, if he has, then that opens up a world of possibilities we may not have been ready for.
I know, I shouldn't be worrying about all of this after we've just made love. It was so tender, for a moment, I almost say the words (yeah, you know which ones...).
Now, you're asleep next to me, and I'm stroking down your back with one hand— writing with the other. I just can't help but wonder what would have been of us if the world wasn't... well... this.
There were days— back when we built the railways, or when we went to Marley— that I thought we'd see the end of this. It breaks me not to be so sure of it now.
I'd have loved to build a house with you, you know...? A little cabin in the forest would have been nice. Or maybe something by the shore. I know I said that holding hands under the table was enough for me— and it is, but… can you imagine?
We'd have had enough room for the kids to come live with us… Each corner would have been filled with so much life! The clink of plates in the kitchen, everyone's laughter, the smell of tea...
I can see it. Goddamn, I can see it so vividly. Armin and I'd have an office so we could study together, Sasha would cook for us. We could have had white walls and knitted curtains, all of that...
I don't know why it feels like it's too much to ask for, really. Everything's changing, Levi. Everything's changed but you and I— emptied as we may be. You still call me "Four Eyes" (though just when we're alone). And I still look at you like I wanna protect you from the world.
You always told me to go by my gut— that you trusted my instinct. Now I guess I'm just... scared, or confused…? I have no clue what my gut is saying anymore. With Eren so far away, not letting us in on his plans, everything's uncertain. All I know is I don't wanna lose this— this thing that we have, Levi.
I wanna wrap you up in kisses, and for you to scoff at my stupid jokes. I wanna keep watching you watch the world, and to see those little expressions of yours that only I can read. I wanna hear you hum while you clean, and for our shared bed-sheets to smell like you...
Fuck it, Levi, I don't wanna lose you. It'd destroy me to lose you. I swear, I'd rather lose myself than to have to give up on you.
And I know— I know. I can picture you rolling your eyes at me, going: "don't fight my battles for me, Four Eyes". But— ugh... is it really that selfish wanting to keep you? To want for us to have a simple future together?
Is it really that impossible?
Maybe you could speak to Eren— send him a letter and talk some sense into him. I'd do so myself, but I get the feeling he'll listen to you more. At this point, I don't know... I don't...
I just wanna be with you— with everyone. And for us to see peace unfold, at last. Isn't that what we deserve...?
Okey, I'm yawning and seeing you be all so cuddly besides me is the distraction my brain needed. I'll probably snuggle against you, and nuzzle my nose in your hair. And, though you'll attempt to complain about it, you'll pull me close so I can sleep all these emotions off, anyways...
You know...? I have no idea where this next chapter is gonna take me, or us, or the world. But for now, I'm just happy you're with me for another year, little one.
It's been wonderful to spend the first few hours of your birthday with you... just the two of us.
Gear yourself up, though! We have a train to catch in a couple hours... there's somewhere special I wanna take you.
See you in the morning, alright?
Hanji x
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25/12/854
Levi,
Turns out grandpa was right all along (not that I ever doubted it, though). People do have entire universes inside of them. My question is now, have you ever thought about what happens when two different universes merge?
You see, I like nature and going outdoors to explore. But then there’s also you… I sleep in your clothes, and let you organize my papers… You have become such a big part of my universe, Levi. It’s like everywhere I look there’s a piece of you scattered around it.
I say this because I miss you— God, I miss you so, so bad. Even the smallest of things remind me of you. I have what little was left from your bar of soap, a box with our afternoon tea… It’s like you’re here with me, in a sense. But then I realize that you’re not— that you won’t walk into the kitchen like you own it. And, I gotta admit, that that kind of reality-check makes me all disappointed and blue.
I know it’s childish and stupid— to feel this way. After all, it was part of our plan to send you into the forest along with Zeke (I’m aware you’re doing your biggest efforts not to kill him, so I’m sorry for that). It’s just that… I’m scared, you know...? I'm scared as hell. These last couple days, I’ve had the worst of presages. Like the beehive’s wrapped around my head, or inside my temples, and it makes me itch, or think of things over and over.
I don’t wanna think anymore. I don’t wanna expect the worse. But you’d always told me to go by my gut. And now my gut is warning me that something big is going to happen; — something big, and finite and terrible.
I’m taking a bath now, soaked in those bath-salts you like so much. I need to cool myself down— to drown these thoughts off. But there’s a pressure in my chest that I can’t seem to let go of. As if I had the certainty that things will go wrong. And then one of us won’t make it.
It will most likely be me, I'm sure— the one who'll have to part. You're an Ackerman, you're strong. You've gotten through worse losses than this. And I'm Commander Hanji, at the end of the day. When all hell breaks free, it's gonna be me the one who'll take the bullets. At least, I guess, that's the right thing of me to do.
I can see you stroke my cheeks now, like you've done so many nights where I'd cry myself to sleep. You'd tuck my hair behind my ear, then kiss me the softest, most precious way someone ever has. "Don't be stupid, Four Eyes", you'd say. "We'll find a way out of this".
Ah, how I wanna believe you, Levi...
There were so many things I wish I'd told you. So many more kisses I had left in me to give. I'm sorry I couldn't. I'm sorry for being greedy, and feeling like I needed more time— more talks, more stars for us to count.
I would have lived with you. And you know this. But can I say it again? I would have loved to live with you.
We'd have had a front porch, and a garden in the back. We could have grown any kind of plant we'd wanted, then you'd teach me how to make you tea. "Herbs are delicate", you'd tell me, as you'd grab my hand to show me the right ways. "You're cutting these like you're about to slay a titan's head".
I'd laugh, because you'd be right— as per usual, HA! But I'd be lowkey (or not so lowkey, you choose) blushing at the grasp of your fingers on my skin.
It'd have been nice, wouldn't it? To share our every-days in a world that wasn't doomed or haunted. To do laundry and taxes late into the a.m... and all that regular stuff regular people do.
Sometimes, in those blissful moments where you'd make love to me, I'd stare into your eyes and allow myself to dream. Headquarters were silent, and we could be whatever we dared to be. I'd teach at a local school; you could have opened that little tea-shop you once told me about...
I'd have given until the last ounce of myself for us to live those dreams. No, wait, let me correct this— when chaos unfolds and the situation calls for it, I AM gonna give until the last ounce of myself for us, for you...
If this is the last letter I ever write to you, I want you to know, my love (yes, I said it, you'll never read this, probably, anyways), that I'd have ran away with you. I have no regrets, except the fact that I might have to leave you soon. I'm sorry I couldn't be all the best versions of me— especially lately. That I had to be Commander Hanji, and couldn't just be myself— the me you fell in love with. If I go, I'm sorry I couldn't stay.
I want you to be happy. To live long. To make friends. To open up that tea shop and see the world once it's free...
Please be happy. Please live. And, if you can, please think fondly of me from time to time— when memories don't hurt your heart too much.
For you, Levi, I'd write again each letter, each syllable I penned down. Shit, I'd write love poems to the parts of yourself you can't stand if I have to.
Remember that first night we met? You were sitting down with Farlan and Isabel, and— me, of all people— walked up to you to say I'd been watching. Back then, you could have punched me for being a creep. I mean, who goes out of their way to tell a stranger something like that? You could have fought me, and you'd have rightfully won. But then you didn't. You didn't, and you stared at me the same way you stared at the snow.
You're a good man, Levi. Please, don't you dare forget it. You're enough. You've changed my universe— occupied all of its most remote corners.
And I know— I know you don't think of yourself as someone capable of kindness, but it's true. You're kind. And you're enough. And you're good— all of you, even the scraps you swear you'd tore. God, you've been so good. So much better than you think you've been.
Please forgive me, if the time comes and I have to leave you. I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted to break your heart in the same ways other people have.
I don't want you to lose the enthusiasm— the child-like wonder. I want you to keep discovering things, like you're a kid who's just woken in this world. I want you to taste every flavor of ice-cream. I want you to wear plaid-shirts and baggy pants. I don't want you to cry or feel blue, whenever you think of me...
If you ever do, though— if you can forgive me, and ever think of me again— please do so when at peace. When you're reading a book, in your porch, looking at the sunset, and your tea has gotten cold.
Please think of me when you're staring at sea. Or at the stars. And know, that I may be there somewhere, tucked in one of them, watching over you like I promised I'd do.
You know...? That night we first met, I had this feeling, strong as the one I have now, that you'd be someone important to me. My grandpa was always right, and I’m glad to know that, quite like him, I was right all along, as well.
You are important to me. You are all the best parts of my universe combined.
If you make it and I don't, I'm glad I could have you with me all these years. You've sure made this bleak world a warmer, much more beautiful place, Levi.
I love you. I miss you. Fuck it, I love you so much my entire body aches.
I hope I can see you later. I hope that I can see you soon, even if just one last time.
Always yours,
Hanji x
P.S.: Happy birthday! I know you're spending it in the least place you'd have chosen to, and I'm sorry about that, too. There's a little box of tea along the wine supplies the cadets took with them. Hope that makes up for it! ;)