Chapter Text
I twirled the pen around my fingers idly as I waited for the rest of my classmates to get to class. My other hand tapped a frantic beat on my thigh and I nodded along to it while my mind slowly glazed over. There was still a good half hour until class started so it wasn’t surprising that Sollux was the only other person here. He spun his coffee cup around and around while clicking rapidly with his other hand, probably keeping up with the statuses of the myriad of websites that he helped to maintain. His job was pretty much to be the fatass security guard behind the surveillance cameras at a shopping mall, well, with the exception that he was nothing like Paul Blart; segways and moustaches just didn’t work on Sollux. His favoured comparison was that it was like looking through compound eyes at multiple angles of the internet.
I opened Pesterchum and saw that a few names weren’t greyed out so I double clicked tentacleTherapist, ugh, I supposed that it was time to speak with her. That’s probably better than sitting around doing jack-all.
TG: hey rose
TT: Good day, dearest brother.
TG: don’t start with that shit
TT: I have no idea what “shit” you’re speaking about.
TG: fine whats up in the world of flighty broads
TT: This particular flighty broad is finishing up on her breakfast, how about the insufferable prick?
TG: as usual
TG: swimming in bitches and their fine asses
TG: like a sea of plush rumps
TT: Has the ocean of buttcheeks become so mundane that you are now pestering me?
TT: Is dat ass no longer sufficient to command your attention?
TG: you know ill never get sick of it
TG: one might even say that i could never give them up
TG: never let them down
TG: never run around
TG: and desert you
TG: anyways
TG: what do you know about dates
TT: I am familiar with this social convention; you’re planning one between you and Karkat?
TG: i would ask how you knew that but its kinda obvious
TT: Evidently not as obvious as how to plan a date.
TG: no
TT: For you.
TG: fuck you
TG: its like the hardest shit up here
TG: like hades went up to his golden throne and grunted until a nugget of diamond came out
TG: and cerberus tried to steal it and broke all its teeth
TG: and persephone went thats some exceptionally solid faecal matter
TG: all in ancient greek of course
TT: It couldn’t have happened any other way.
TT: How terrible would it be for the Archaic Hellenites if we desecrated their theogonies?
TG: then you catch my drift
TT: You’re constipated and require laxatives.
TG: what
TG: no
TT: Denial is the first step towards acceptance.
TG: fuck no
TT: Open your mind and relax your intestines, you’ll feel better soon. Trust me.
TG: hell fucking no
TG: fine
TG: i want help planning a date with Karkat
TG: and im serious this time
TG: like the amount of bovine coprolites is way below and beyond zero
TT: Since you asked so nicely, do you have any ideas of what Karkat’s preferred form of recreation is?
TG: hes mentioned something about rom coms
TT: Then that should be an easy spot to start on.
TG: take him to the movies
TG: i can do that
TT: And I have absolute faith in your ability to pick something in accordance with his tastes
---
Class passed by like a leaf on the wind, the teacher assigned us some group project on animation and by the time that class ended, Sollux and I each had a different take on a simple little countdown. He had gone for a grid of red hexagons with blue outlines which had the hexagons glow to form the numbers while I had cobbled together a little piece where the numbers moved in a blur onto the screen and then off again. Classwork and homework was a formality of sorts when whatever we were given was this much of a cakewalk. I split up with Sollux after class when he went back to the dorms and I moved over to the coffee shop to begin my shift. Having Karkat there as a new addition was fine and good, the workload was easily handled by John and I but Karkat had a knack for keeping Eridan silent when he was around. Karkat still wasn’t the best with handling people or actually making the coffee but he didn’t have the experience we did.
When I got to the store, Karkat was already behind the counter, black apron secured tightly around his waist and arms crossed in front of his chest with his fingers digging into his palms. His discomfort was clear on his face so I decided to help him out despite the fact that watching him suffer through this would definitely be funny.
I waved to the unfortunate customer that was dealing with Karkat. “Hey, I’ll be up in a minute, if you don’t want to order from shouty then I’ll be happy to help. He’s still learning the ropes.”
“Fuck you, Strider. My ropes are completely and totally analysed and understood.” He raised his middle finger in response and I only gave him a thumbs up.
I shrugged on the apron in the backroom before running my hands through my hair to make sure that it was out of my face. It probably wasn’t perfect but leaving a loyal customer with Karkat was probably a higher priority problem than my own hair. For now. I walked up beside Karkat and unlocked the register.
“Hey, second line’s now open.” I called and nearly all of Karkat’s queue shuffled over to mine. I could see Karkat glare at me and I smiled in return.
“Dave,” Eridan said “it looks like that you have enough on your plate, I’ll deal with coaching Kar.”
“No problem.” I replied.
“I don’t need your advice, Ampora.” Karkat growled.
“Until you can speak to a customer in a cordial and friendly fashion like Dave and John, you’re going to take my advice if you want to keep working here. Also, Dave, stop listening to us, you’ve got a job to do.”
“Will do, boss.” I turned back to the first person in line. “Hey, how’s it going?”
“To tell the truth, I was feeling a bit nervous about, uh, Karkat.”
“He’ll get better at not being a total douchebag soon, so what do you want to get?”
“I’m sure you’re right, can I get a medium cappuccino?”
“Yeah, coming right up.” I fell back into the rhythm of service, small talk flowed into the order which switched up the beat where I bounced back and forth to make their drink and then slowed down as I passed the package to John. It would then loop back into the first step with the next customer, a continuous song with only minor variations whenever it was played. Throughout the few hours when I worked, Eridan patiently showed Karkat how to limit his swearing and John laughed along with the stories that the customers were telling. Eridan had to go out into the backroom a few times after becoming too annoyed at Karkat and it his swearing as he stormed off was suitably ironic. It was a good day, overall, easy stuff. Now comes the hard part. After saying bye to John, I walked up to Karkat.
“Hey, Karkat. You ok now?” I asked.
“Yeah, fine.” He replied.
“Cool. It’s just that you didn’t pester me or anything. Not that I was completely expecting you to.”
“I was close enough to ok that I didn’t have to tell you that my ghost was going to haunt you forever.” He dismissed.
“Sure, are you doing anything tonight?” Here comes the hard bit. Doesn’t really take too much effort to ask about his wellbeing because it’s just like talking to a customer. Leading the topic of conversation itself? Whole ‘nother ball game.
“No. Are you suggesting that you want to do something?” He looked at me with narrowed eyes, he’s probably thinking that I’m going to trap him in another toilet and that’s fine, I guess. I certainly wouldn’t be too keen on that but I don’t think I’ve got a clue about what’s on his mind.
“Yeah, do you wanna go out? See a movie or something?” I suggested.
His shoulders dropped and his fists unclenched like he suddenly didn’t need to punch me anymore. “Sounds good as long as you’re not going to be a total dickwad about it. Are we going now?”
“If you want.”
“Fucking hell, you should’ve told me this earlier.”
“I would’ve but you never contacted me.”
“You could’ve asked Sollux.” He pointed out.
“I’m not in the mood to act all stalkerish, would you have accepted knowing that I gave you my contact details and then gone behind your back to find out everything about you?”
“Not a chance in hell.”
“Exactly, shit would be like ordering a burger and then sneaking behind the corner to check the freshness of the ingredients and the résumés of the workers before breaking into a state department to check medical records of their close families and their pets.”
“Are you fucking done yet?” He crossed his arms impatiently and pouted.
“Only if you’re ready to move.” I offered a hand to him.
He promptly slapped it and walked past me. “I was ready from the moment that I agreed, I was just waiting for you to shut your dumb face.”
I let myself smile as I followed him out the door. “So what do you want to get?”
“You didn’t even commit the fucking brainpower to planning this? Ugh, what the fuck have I gotten into?”
---
I peered over the menu at Karkat as he read through the potential selections. “Have you picked one yet?” I asked as I poured tea into his cup.
“Yeah.” He answered without meeting my gaze.
“Yo, waiter.” I called.
An Asian man arrived at our table with a pen poised over his notepad. “What would you like to order?”
“I’ll have the combination crispy noodles, Karkat?”
“Can I get half a plate of sweet and sour pork and half a plate of fried rice?”
“Of course, it’ll cost you as much as a full plate of the sweet and sour pork, though? Are you sure?”
“Yeah, fine.”
“So that’s one combination crispy noodles and one sweet and sour pork with fried rice?”
“Yeah.” I confirmed. “Hey, Karkat.”
“What?”
“Just wanted to ask some questions, what course are you taking?”
“Biochemistry.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“What the fuck are you trying to say by that?” An elderly woman at another table glared irately at Karkat.
“You got sick when I talked to you about some preserved animals, how do you get through the biology part of biochemistry?”
“I’m a biochemist, not some fucking savage which guzzles chickens foetuses whole. I study how living things react, I couldn’t give less of a fuck about what happened to them after they’re dead.” He crossed his arms and scowled at me but damn if that mental image isn’t funny and I inwardly grin at it.
“Fair enough, what made you pick biochemistry?”
“Why the fuck are you asking me this?”
“It’s a date, standard procedure is to make small talk, do the chatty thing.” At least I hoped it was, it’d be kinda awkward if it wasn’t.
“Fine, it’s just something I like the idea of.”
“Really? That’s all?”
“Should I be worried if I can’t tell if you’re fucking with me or if this is just what comes to you?”
“Maybe you should be, worrying keeps you on your feet.”
“Yeah, instead of in your arms swooning like a damsel rescued from distress.”
“So you want me to comfort you, you want my sweet assurances that you’ll be taken care of?” I whispered as I leaned forwards.
“Keep dreaming, Strider. In fact, tonight, go the fuck to sleep and don’t wake up.”
“In that case, I’ll wait for my Prince Charming to wake me up.”
“Congratulations, the only thing you’ve cemented in my mind about you is that you’re a Disney princess. Scratch that, you’re the gayest Disney prince.”
“I’d wear a dress for you, hell, I’d go in a full blown ball gown.”
“The only full blown ball anything you’re getting is a basketball to the head when you come within thirty feet of me.”
“Fuck, you wound me, dear sir. I could totally rock a dress, put on my high heels and makeup, it would be like prom except it’s only to show off my sweet ass and I’m way within thirty feet of you already. Should I get my eyes checked if I’m not seeing balls of any kind being thrown at me?.”
“Maybe if you took your fucking shades off.”
“No can do.” I pushed my glasses up the bridge of my nose. “Stays on just like my swag.”
“Something which I can easily say that I have never seen.”
“Pssh, it’s totally something which exists, how else did I get you to go out with me?”
“You’re asking me?” He pointed at me accusingly. “I have no fucking idea of what took over my mind and decided that coming here was a good idea because my brain obviously doesn’t understand the concept of rationality or reasoning.”
“Exactly, swag.”
“No, you can take your stupid swag and shove it up your ass.”
“Wouldn’t fit, it oozes from my pores, it flows where I go, you can’t even begin to comprehend how I have to constantly emit it.”
“I’m looking at you right now and I can definitely inform you that it’s just your overwhelming douchiness.”
“No way.”
“Yes way, you’re just a fucking douche.”
“Nope, one hundred percent awesome.”
“You’re also completely delusional.”
“You just can’t see what I see.”
“That’s pretty much the definition of psychosis.”
“You know what I’m seeing right now?” I smiled at him.
“No, I don’t know what you think you’re seeing right now.”
“I’m seeing a hot piece of ass that’s too damn fucking cute and won’t even see it.”
I watched Karkat blush and look to the side. “You’re completely crazy.” He muttered.
“Crazy for you.” I admitted. I waited for Karkat to retort but he kept averting his gaze. I don’t know, did I go too far, was I too forward? “Are you ok?”
“This isn’t some elaborate shitty joke, is it?”
“Doing my best to be completely genuine. You might not be able to see but my heart is crucified and my death wishes are solidified should I intentionally mislead you on how I actually like you.”
“And then you go ahead and say something like that, killing the fucking mood.” He mumbled. “I guess you’re a decent person.”
“Is that really all you have to say?”
“I’ll reserve my judgement for when you inevitably fuck up badly enough.” He snapped.
I grinned back. “If.”
The waiter set our food down and backed away as quickly as he arrived.
“What qualifies as me fucking up?” I asked.
“If you act exceptionally and extraordinarily like a piece of shit.”
“Real clear, I’m getting a really good idea of what not to do now.”
“What the fuck’s crossing your mind now.”
“That I should avoid coming out of your ass.” He threw a salt shaker at me but I caught it and set it back down. “Just kidding, calm down.”
Shit, he looks like he’s going to flip this table at me. But Karkat gave me one final glare before bringing his cup of tea to his lips and downing it like a shot. “I will fucking kick your ass if you keep being such an asshole.”
“Alright, alright.” I held my hands up diplomatically. “Just relax, I’m not going to go that far again, I promise.”
“Just eat your fucking food.”
He picked at his food before diving into it, he eats messily and he ended up finishing slower than I did because he had to spend so much more time dabbing at his mouth with a tissue. I sipped my tea and watched him as I waited. I poured some more tea into his cup before refilling mine. It seems like he does everything angrily, well, except for sleep and be tired, is it even possible for someone to do that? He probably could if he was pissed off enough.
“Are you done yet?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He frowned at the ring of moisture that his cup left on the table before wiping it away. Honestly, it’s kinda cute how he just rushes everything and then deals with it later, even if it’s as small as eating and drinking.
I paid for the food at the counter despite Karkat’s insistence that he pay for his portion. I shut him up by moving a hand to the back of his head and kissing his forehead. He stayed silent for the walk to the movie theatre, only piping up when we had to buy tickets.
---
“This movie sucks ass.” I whispered to Karkat as the protagonist engaged in sloppy make outs with the deuteragonist on-screen.
“Shut up, this is definitely one of the best movies this season.” He hissed back. “Learn to appreciate it instead of commenting every five seconds.”
“But it’s so bad, why the hell was he even here, didn’t he say that he had to go to work to his friend? Y’know, the one with the shitty fedora?” I asked.
“They skipped forward a bit in the day.”
“Bad movie, worst cuts. How is this even remotely making sense to you??”
Karkat punched me in the shoulder. “Because you don’t pay enough attention to it. Shut your fucking mouth and watch the goddamned movie.”
“It’s still terrible.”
“You didn’t have a fucking plan for this date so I stepped up and actually did something about it.”
“Why do you even want to watch this?”
“Maybe because I like watching movies.”
“Even these sappy and shitty ones?”
“They’re not sappy and shitty, they’re genuinely emotional.” He argued.
“About as genuine as Tavros’ confidence.”
“Jesus fuck, shut up and watch.”
His muffled swearing made the corner of my mouth quirk up but I kept it from going into a grin. I looked over at Karkat as he stared intently at the screen. He seemed to blink much more rarely but it only made it easier to focus on his eyelashes as they fluttered open and closed. His lips were slightly parted and I caught a glimpse of his teeth, sometimes he would move his lips along with whatever the characters were saying on the screen. I almost zoned out while watching his every action, staring at him had just completely encompassed my mind. His quiets sobs broke me from this trance as the protagonist comforted the deuteragonist on-screen, tiny rivulets of tears came from his eyes as his body shook slightly. I wrapped an arm around his shoulder and hugged him towards me. He leant his head onto my shoulder while I rested my head on his. Even when the movie progressed onwards to another scene, he made no action to wriggle out from underneath me so I rubbed his arm comfortingly. He fidgeted a bit, turning his head slightly before going slack again.
---
The monochrome credits started rolling as a love song from a decade ago started playing. The scarce few moviegoers were already getting up to leave. “I guess that was a pretty good movie.” I commented. It really wasn’t but being with Karkat was totally worth every minute.
“Yes, exactly, what did I say?” Karkat said triumphantly.
“Something, something, genuinely emotional.”
“Damn fucking straight. The sheer quality of it was completely undeniable.”
“Heh, it really was something.” I chuckled. “Didn’t realise that you would get all weepy at it.”
“So what if I have the capacity to feel emotions? Newsflash, assface, it’s something that normal people have.”
“Yeah, sure. C’mon, get up.” We rose and made our way up the dark aisle back towards the lobby. “That was pretty much the last thing on my list. Do you want to do anything else?”
“Two things.”
“Let’s hear ‘em.”
“One, you have the shittiest planning skills.”
“I’ll freely admit that, what’s the second.”
“Oh my fucking god, Strider. Shut your dickmunching syllable orifice and listen for once.”
“Shut and sealed.” I mimed a zipping action over my lips.
“Fuck you. I’ll tell you about the second once we get back to the dorms.”
“You’re killing me here with the suspense.”
“We haven’t even fucking started to move yet and you’re already starting with the bitching.”
We walked in silence back to our building, Karkat walked kinda stiffly, his elbows sticking out rigidly at an angle and his hands stuffed into the pockets of his pants. He walked with a bit of a slouch but it probably wasn’t as pronounced as mine. Even though it was a warm summer evening, he insisted on keeping his sweater on and the beads of perspiration on his face were clearly evident. I followed him up the stairs until we stood outside his room.
“How was it for a first date?” I asked. “I completely get it if you think I’m some incompetent douche who can’t get his fucking shit together.”
“Like I said before, shut the fuck up. Right now, I don’t know whether to like you because I had a good time with you, especially at the movies. But then you ruin those moments with your shitty questions and your inability to form a coherent sequence of events for a simple fucking date.”
I raised an eyebrow at him.
“Fuck you, put that back down.”
“Fine but one last thing before you give your final verdict.”
“What?”
I was already in motion, cupping his face as I leant down to kiss him tenderly. His eyes widened suddenly before dipping into a half-closed position and I followed suit. His lips were soft and slightly wet and I found myself pushing forward into him. Damn, he smelled good. Unconsciously, I made a low rumbling sound in my throat as I slowly backed him against the wall. I let him thread his fingers through mine and he gripped my hand tightly as he tilted his head up to apply further pressure. I felt his lips parting softly so I pulled back and smoothed down my shirt while he stood up straight.
“Just that.” I whispered.
“I think that you’re not half bad.” He gasped, out of breath.
“Guessing that that’s the highest compliment I’m getting out of you, so thanks.”
“For a total asshole.” He finished.
I let myself smile genuinely at this. “Hey, you either take all of me or none of it, half-assing this isn’t a thing that’s happening.”
“What about your quarter buttocked first date plan?”
“Doesn’t count.”
“Says who.”
“Says me.”
“You’re a total dork.”
“And so are you.”
“Nah, I’m one hundred percent cool, you’ll see.”
“You’re cool in the way that a kitten is, you’re so dumb that it’s too endearing to ignore.”
“So you’re admitting that I’m cool.”
He rolls his eyes. “No, I’m saying that you have a dumb face.”
“A dumb face that you find cute.”
“I’m taking the blame for falling for such an idiot, happy now?”
“As a cat with a yarn ball.”
“You’re totally the highest degree of dork.” He pecked me on the lips. “I thought the date was fine, definitely better than I expected.”
“What did you expect, surely you couldn’t have extracted any clues from my airtight plans.”
“I barely expected anything. I don’t trust you or your testicle throttling think pan to formulate anything resembling whatever you intended.”
“Crap, those words really sting, y’know, put a little trust in me.”
“Until I can get over the fact that you’re the douchiest person I have the displeasure of knowing, that’s not happening. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, sure.”
He went into his room and I started climbing the stairs. All things considered, this was remarkably successful. He was right, of course, there weren’t any real expectations of this from the beginning, just a snap decision. But it turned out all right, I got to hang out with a cute guy who was fun to talk to and even more fun to watch. A learning experience, I suppose.