Chapter Text
At first, Lando doesn't even understand what happened. He doesn't want to think that it's over. He doesn't want to think that it was all his fault, but these thoughts, once they appear, will never leave his head again.
There are people crowding around – where were they a few minutes ago when he called for help? Everyone is watching, and Lando hugs Oscar closer to his chest, trying to hide him from annoying journalists.
"Everything will be alright, Osc." He still doesn't realize that nothing will ever be the same, that Oscar can't be brought back.
Someone disperses the journalists, and Carlos sits down next to Lando, anxiously looking into his eyes.
"Lando, let him go," Carlos tries to pull him away from the body, but Lando waves his head.
"Come on, baby. Doctors need..." Carlos doesn't finish, because any word now brings a new flood of tears to Lando.
"Carlos..." Lando sobs, and the spaniard wipes the tears from his cheeks. "I can't... I can't do this..."
"Shh, I understand. But you have to."
Lando bends down one last time, kissing Oscar's forehead, and someone takes him away. They are still sitting on the floor, now he is in the Carlos's arms, who is trying to calm him down.
***
We need to lose something to start appreciating it, right? Or to realize that it wasn't hopeless. That somewhere in the back of his mind Lando knew he could love him. Or that he already loved him.
Realization does not come immediately, it always takes time. But now he had a lot of time – there was a winter break ahead, which he spent in his apartment, closing from everyone except Carlos. Carlos, who is always there; who looks after him and is the only one who knows the whole truth; who helps him recover from the nightmares that haunt Lando after that evening.
It gets even worse when Lando realizes that he liked Oscar. He goes over all these little moments in his head, which at that time seemed like just a friendly attachment, because he had Carlos.
Casual touches that evoked so many emotions, as if he were a teenage girl in love; their sleepovers together, which Oscar refused more and more often after the summer break and now Lando understands why; Oscar's loving glances, which he usually did not notice, but now, watching old videos, he understands.
That must have been true love.
He always wanted to see him around, even when they were with Carlos. It's weird, isn't it?
Lando has been digging into himself and his feelings all these months. He still loves Carlos – after all, he was his first love, and they've been together for three years now. But this is another love, which is probably just platonic – he is infinitely grateful to him for everything he has done for him and everything he is doing now, but... Oscar appears in his head again.
***
It is the end of November again, and Lando is getting more and more anxious. Every time he comes back to that day, he feels guilty. He habitually puts on a black hoodie and goes to the nearest flower shop – in three years it becomes a kind of routine.
He dreams about Oscar almost every night, especially in November, and Lando hates this month and his birthday, because it is followed by the anniversary of that evening. He deliberately avoids the word "death" because he still feels that Oscar is with him, and this becomes one of the reasons why they quarrel with Carlos all the time.
Teammates change, first it's Pato and then eventually new young talents from Formula 2 come. Lando doesn't care that he looks rude or angry, he doesn't want to get attached again, he doesn't want for someone to end up like Oscar.
Carlos calms him down at first, assures him that he is not to blame, kisses his cheeks wet with tears, but all Lando can think about is OscarOscarOscar again and again, and that only he is to blame for his death.
The orange chrysanthemums are on the ground again, and Lando sits down next to them. He always looks tired, because he just can't sleep when he sees happy Oscar in his dreams.
***
Lando looks at the orange flowers. Every time he puts on his racing suit, gets into his car, he is haunted everywhere by this orange color, from which there is no hiding.
He opens the gallery, scrolling through to 2023. It was so long ago, so much has already happened – finally, the first and not the only win, the fight for the championship, he is one of the best and now he has received the same reputation as Max – most rookies considering him harsh, insensitive and rude. All the better, they are less likely to die from unrequited love.
Photos from their double podiums in Japan and Qatar. They both smile happily at the camera. Lando did not know that Oscar already had this disease, which was not so noticeable yet.
The last photo he saved after Abu Dhabi: Oscar on the podium, holding up his trophy with a tired smile. Half an hour later, he was gone.
Lando bites his lip, trying not to cry. All he remembers from that evening is Oscar's soft hair, head on his lap and the damn orange flowers on his jumpsuit, palms, floor.
He is choked with tears and breaks down, coughing. Something is in his mouth, and he pulls out a couple of orange petals. Smiling sadly, he understands everything. There's not much left.
***
They are sitting with Carlos on the balcony of his hotel room. The spaniard does not put pressure on him, knowing that these days have always been difficult for him. He just sits next to Lando, hugging his shoulders, wrapping the younger one more tightly in a blanket.
They had talked about this a lot before, but now Carlos realized that the only thing he could do was be there, as always. It's pointless to discuss it, Lando can't come to terms with it, he still blames himself. They quarreled about it several times, because it's hard for Carlos to be in second place after Oscar now, but he understands. Or at least trying to understand.
Lando coughs, and Carlos looks at him worriedly.
"Are you cold? I'll make you a cup of tea." He goes into the room, and Lando is grateful that the elder does not see his palm full of petals, which he immediately hides under a blanket.
It can't go on like this anymore.
Oscar is so stuck in his head that he suffers too, because there is simply no one to share his love. There is no Oscar, Oscar will not love him back, even if he loved him when he was alive. Lando doesn't understand why this is happening, but maybe it's his punishment. He knows that eventually he will get rid of obsessive thoughts, of regrets, of everything. Lando wants to cry in despair. If everything had happened earlier, three years ago, they would both be alive and happy. Carlos would understand, he would find someone with whom he could be happy, right? Although Lando is now afraid that Carlos might get hurt like that too. He doesn't want to think about it, clutching the orange petals tighter in his palm. He needs to tell him everything so that the elder will be at least... ready.
So as soon as Carlos returns with a cup of hot tea, Lando sighs, starting a conversation.
"Carlos, we need to break up."
Carlos almost drops his cup in shock.
"Why?" The elder asks quietly. He had already come to terms with Lando's condition, got used to being there for him, helping him cope with it. They have been together for six years, and Carlos even thought that they would get married as soon as they finished their career.
"I don't want you messing with me, okay? I want to see you happy, so that you have a family, children, a home, everything you dreamed of. You can't do this with me," Lando tries not to look at Carlos. No matter how much he suffers now from the loss of Oscar, he still loves Carlos in some way. He was with him the whole time, understanding and accepting him. He loved him before.
"We can have it all. As soon as we finish our careers..."
"No, Carlos, you know perfectly well that nothing will happen." Lando interrupts him, because he does not want to give hope. He's already spent so many years on him, they're not getting any younger, and Carlos needs a family too.
"But everything was fine, wasn't it? We were coping. You're just tired, but the season is over. Maybe we should go somewhere on a vacation?" Oh, Carlos. Not now.
"Nothing was fine, okay? I can see that you're not as happy as you used to be because of me, because of... thing that happened." He doesn't give a name, he just can't, but that's not required. The elder was already used to living as if with a ghost standing between them.
"Lando, let's talk about this later, okay? You're just upset," Carlos doesn't give up, kissing the top of his head and handing him a cup of tea.
"I won't change my mind," Lando grumbles, but accepts the cup with his free hand.
***
The attacks are getting worse, Lando can't do anything about it. He moves away from Carlos, they rarely see each other during the winter break.
In early January, Lando wakes up to a knock on the door, and wearily trudges into the hallway. Lately, he has been sleeping more – he dreams about Oscar every night, but everything always ends well in a dream. He looks so young, with his soft slightly disheveled hair and an embarrassed smile on his lips.
Lando opens the door and sees Carlos on the threshold.
"What are you doing here?" He frowns, not expecting to see him.
"Happy New Year!" Carlos smiles broadly, holding gift bags. "Would you let me in?"
"Uh... Okay," Lando is still unhappy, although he's even kind of glad to see him. They haven't broken up officially, but they so rarely see each other, that it's difficult to call them even friends.
"So, I have gifts for you and food. You look like you're not eating at all, cabrón," Carlos looks into the refrigerator, but sees only a few fruits, milk and something moldy. "Ugh, what do you eat at all, Lando?"
"Nothing," he grumbles, annoyed that Carlos is too cheerful.
"Lando, come on, we need to celebrate the New Year."
"If you are not looking at the calendar, then I will inform you: it is already the new year, today is the third of January, in case you don't know."
"Don't be a bore. When was the last time you had a good dinner? My mom almost beat me up because you didn't come with me for Christmas. I barely convinced her that you just want to be with your family, but she doesn't seem to believe me," he behaves as usual, smiling and talking loudly.
"Carlos, please don't. Why didn't you tell them that we broke up?" The smile fades from Carlos's face, and he turns away, busy unpacking groceries.
"Would you like some wine? Or perhaps alcohol is not very appropriate..." He ignores Lando's words, pulling out a bottle.
"Carlos, stop!" Lando loses his temper and coughs, hastily turning away.
"I see, we need some wine."
Carlos takes the glasses out of the same cabinet where they've always been since his mom gave it to them for the year of the relationship. She was outraged when one day she saw that they were drinking wine at dinner from mugs, and decided to solve the issue of providing them with suitable dishes for all occasions.
Lando takes advantage of the moment, and while Carlos pours wine into glasses, goes to the bathroom. He stands leaning on the sink, and spitting out the remains of the flowers, wipes his mouth with the sleeve of his hoodie. Why is Carlos bothering with him at all? He could have found a new boyfriend a long time ago, because Lando made it clear that he was not against the elder moving on.
"Hey, baby..." Carlos calls out to him, peering into the bathroom, and his gaze falls on the sink. He notices small flowers and droplets of blood on the sleeve of Lando's hoodie. He freezes for a few seconds, and the younger one is afraid of his reaction.
"Carlos, I..." Lando is shaking, he wants to explain himself somehow, but he can't. How can this be explained at all?
"So that's why... God, baby, why didn't you tell me?" Carlos hugs him, and the younger one cries.
"I can't live like this anymore, you know? I'm tired, I am... I dream about him every night," Lando confesses, sobbing, and Carlos hugs him even tighter. He seems to be crying too.
"Lando... What are you going to do about it?" The elder's voice is quiet. Lando feels Carlos's hands are shaking, even though he's trying to hold on.
"I don't know. I don't want to decide anything, okay? Just... Let it be over. I want it to be over quickly," he pulls away from Carlos, and watches as he hurriedly turns away, wiping away tears, "Please, Carlos... I want us to break up."
"How can you think that I'm going to leave you now?"
"You know that I am..."
"Even if you don't..." it's hard for him to say this, he takes a deep breath, "even if you don't love me anymore, I still love you. And that's enough for the two of us, okay? I'll take care of you. Like before, remember?" He smiles sadly, hugging Lando tightly again.
Lando calms down in his arms. He thinks that he doesn't deserve Carlos, who's been messing with him for so many years. Even now, when he knows everything, he doesn't leave him, and this thought makes him feel even more guilty.
"Come on, I've warmed up your food. You need to eat, you've lost a lot of weight," Carlos puts his arm around his shoulders, guiding him to the kitchen.
They have lunch, and Lando feels better. Carlos knows everything, but he doesn't say anything else, and doesn't reproach him in any way. The younger one is grateful to him for this.
Everything feels the way it used to. Carlos stays with him for a few days, takes care of him, helps him cope with attacks, especially at night. Lando is honestly grateful to him – he is the closest person to him right now.
***
A new season begins. Lando feels better when he is busy all the time racing and training, and tries not to pay attention to the increasing attacks.
The Australian Grand Prix in April. Lando feels the same responsibility as he does at home in England. This track has become special in recent years, and he wants to win.
And he wins. Emotions overwhelm him, he is happy to rise to the highest step of the podium. Lando doesn't know if his cheeks are wet from tears or from Max and Charles pouring champagne on him. In any case, he is proud of himself, and with a sad smile says in an interview that he dedicates this victory to Oscar.
"He'd be proud of you," Carlos says softly, hugging him.
"He would have done it himself." Lando coughs as he walks away from him, and Carlos looks after him sadly.
Lando barely remembers returning to the hotel. His head hurts terribly, he feels dizzy, and the cough is choking him more and more. How symbolic it will be to finally end all this here in Oscar's homeland.
But there is no one to bring him orange chrysanthemums.