Chapter Text
Neal is nervous when Peter picks him up, he can’t help it.
This isn’t like the FBI is trying to get information about just any associate of his with dubious morality, this is about his son.
Sure, his son is no doubt involved in some bad stuff, has ties to the most feared mob family on this side of the continent, but he’s just a baby! An innocent child! There is no reason for the FBI to persecute him for his alleged crimes and alleged connections to criminals!
“For the hundredth time, no, I do not know where, why, or how the Malones run their empire!” Neal throws up his hands, exasperated by Ruiz’s questions. The interview which was initially terribly disguised as a friendly conversation has been going on for at least half an hour, half an hour that feels like forever.
Peter is also clearly getting annoyed, and Neal is pretty sure that if he suddenly got mind reading powers, he would see that Peter is considering filing an official complaint against Ruiz for harassment.
Ruiz opens his mouth, probably to ask another question that Neal does not know the answer to, but is interrupted by laughter.
The three men quickly turn to the source of the sound, and see Alvin Draper smack dab in the middle of the room, the room that only has one entrance, an entrance that was in the sight of all three men during the entire conversation.
“This,” Alvin gasps out between laughs, pointing at the theory board with the names of known Malones and the positions they hold in the organization. “is the single most ridiculous thing I have ever seen!”
He snaps a photo of the board with his phone. “I gotta send this to the group chat, it’s gonna be the funniest thing this week! And that says a lot, a couple of days ago, Robbie got stuck in a tree while trying to rescue DB’s cat, and Petey kept throwing fish at him.”
“If our information is so funny, perhaps you would like to fix it for us.” Ruiz says, having apparently decided to just ignore Alvin’s sudden, impossible appearance.
Alvin looks at the board again, and falls into another round of chuckles. As he wipes away his tears of mirth, he speaks. “Ya know what, I will. Normally I wouldn’t give out any information, loose lips sink ships and all that, but whoever put that together can’t possibly be smart enough to use any of the information I’ll give.”
Alvin walks up to board and stabs at the picture of Malone with his index finger. “Ok, first of all, Matches is not the Don.”
He starts chuckling again, but gets it under control pretty quickly. “I can not understand why you think that, the man’s an idiot! He still doesn’t realize that the eighteen year old girl he treats like a daughter, who is the daughter of the girlfriend he broke up with nineteen years ago, is actually his daughter. There are bets going as to when he will figure it out, I have my bet on never. He’s been talking about adopting her, and some people are considering just telling him.”
Alvin takes the photo of Matches and moves it to the bottom of the pyramid. “And that’s just his personal life, in his professional life, he frequently gets drunk and leaks important information to anyone who will listen to him! He is the lowest of the low soldiers, and the only reason he is still breathing and a member of the family is because Grandfather has a soft spot for him, loves him like the son he never had.”
“Grandfather?”
“The real Don.” Alvin turns serious for the first time. “No one knows his real name, and few who have met him have survived.”
He takes a marker and sketches a vague outline of a man with a mustache beside the word ‘Don’. “It’s rumored that he is the real reason that the Bat’s don’t mess with the Malones, the man is so terrifying that the Bat’s themselves fear him! And not just the bats. You know how Commissioner Gordon is known to be incorruptible? No one can bribe him, no one can threaten him? Grandfather is the exception to that. He’s found a way to make Gordon turn a blind eye.”
“I don't believe you.” Ruiz scoffs.
“Suit yourself.” Alvin shrugs. “Next major error you have is with Robbie. He is not the underboss.”
Alvin huffs a laugh, presumably at the mental image of Robbie in that position. “Don’t get me wrong, the man is a good leader, and as such he makes a good capo, but he is just not cut out for leading the whole organization, he’s got other priorities.”
“So if Robbie isn't the underboss, who is? Petey?” Peter asks.
“Nah, Petey is Grandfather’s left hand man.”
“…but that's not a thing.” Ruiz frowns.
“Maybe not in most families, but who ever said the Malones are like most families?” Alvin smiles, a smile that sends shivers down Ruiz’s back.
“Lots of people say that, that’s why we are using a template for a typical family to explain them.” Ruiz looks frustrated. “Besides, everyone knows that Petey works for the Red Helmet, not for the Malones.”
Alvin snorts. “The Red Helmet. He would be so insulted to be called that. I gotta remember that for the next time I am annoyed at him, I would love to see Red Hood’s face if I called him that. But that’s irrelevant, just because Petey works for Hood, does not mean he can’t be a meaningful and valued part of the Malone Family.”
“But why would he start working for Red Hood if he is a part of the Malones?” Peter asks.
Alvin shrugs. “Teenage rebellion, you know how it can be. And there was a thing with a cult, but we don’t talk about that.”
“A cult? Really?” Ruiz scoffs. “No way that is true. Is anything you are saying even true?”
“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But if it is true, and you decide not to believe me, then I get the feeling you might get in trouble with your bosses.” Alvin smiles at Ruiz, his smile all teeth. “Now do you want to hear about the rest, or not?”
“The rest? I thought DB was the only other member of the family, and he is too young to be involved with much.”
Alvin stares at Ruiz in shock for a long uncomfortable moment, then bursts out laughing. “You thought. DB. My man, you have no idea. None whatsoever.”
“Enlighten me then.”
“DB is incredibly involved and incredibly dangerous. He wants to take over as Don one day, so he does everything he can to help The Family and tries his best to endear himself to Grandfather with his actions.”
Alvin turns the photo of DB upside down and sketches a bloody sword on the back. “Unfortunately for him, it’s not going so well, and he will probably not get much higher than left hand, maybe right hand. Unless there is some kind of massive tragedy that takes out everyone above him, which, it is Gotham, so I suppose it’s possible.” Alvin goes a little bit distant for a moment.
“What does DB stand for?” Neal asks.
“Dalmatian Bernard.”
“Really? That’s an unusual name.”
“Nah, I was kidding, it actually stands for Dog Bat.” Alvin says with a straight face.
“Who names their kid that?” Neal asks in shock and confusion.
“No one, his name is Dabber Brocoli.” Alvin says.
“You’re just pulling our legs.” Ruiz says angrily.
“A guy’s gotta have his fun somehow, am I right?” Alvin replies cheekily.
“This is the second time you have mentioned the right hand now, is that the Malones version of the consigliere?” Peter asks. Alvin presses a button on his phone and everyone can hear fireworks and a mechanical voice saying. “Congratulations. You won.”
“That is correct. And currently, that position is held by Daisy.” Alvin sketches a gun with a Daisy flower leaning on it in her spot.
“Daisy? Isn’t she the one who killed one of her brothers, and is incredibly careless with her gun, always flashing it around, it’s a miracle she hasn’t killed anyone else, and has a new guy on her arm every week?” Ruiz asks rudely.
Alvin blinks. “Well, that is one way to describe her, I suppose. Though I can confirm that the whole murdering her brother thing is just an exaggeration. Petey is still alive after all, which I’m fairly certain you know since he is on your board!”
“But I thought she murdered a different brother, John or something? Jod?”
“Nah, it was Petey. The two of them were practicing for a play they wanted to put on for family night, and Petey’s character, Jodd, died during the play.”
Alvin draws Xs over Petey’s eyes. “They did a full dress rehearsal of the death scene, complete with copious amounts of fake blood, in a semi-public place, and some people understood it wrong.” Alvin shrugs. “I don’t really understand how that misunderstanding started, most Gothamites know the difference between real blood and fake blood by now, they taste completely different!”
Ruiz opens and closes his mouth a few times before asking wearily. “Who else is in the family? And what are their positions?”
“Well let’s see, we covered most of them I think. Oh! Sunny is Minnie’s brother, and his current position is soldier, but I foresee him rising in the ranks, he could easily become a capo in a few years. And we can’t forget Sybil.”
He draws a singular eye with surprising detail. “She has some kind of complicated relationship with Robbie, no one knows if they are related, dating, exes, or just friends, but she is an associate of the family, just like me.”
“So you admit to being an associate of the Malones.” Ruiz says smugly.
“Uh, yeah? It’s not like I ever tried to hide it.” Alvin looks utterly baffled.
“Anyways, that’s pretty much all of the important ones. There are a few other, like Catwoman, she is an associate as well, and it’s rumored that either she is cheating on Batman with Matches, or that the three of them are in relationship, and no one knows what exactly Aartholomew B’llen the Third’s relationship to the family is, but he hangs around sometimes and helps out with things, as do Mally Mest, Hoy Rarper, Ryle Kayner, Coriander Star, and a few others.”
Alvin bows with a flourish. “And that concludes my presentation today. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some…business to attend to.”
“Wait!” Ruiz calls out, but he is too late. The room fills with smoke, purple smoke that smells and tastes like sparkly grapes, and Alvin disappears.
Ruiz pouts the rest of the day, and into the following weeks, and every time they see him, Neal and Peter have to restrain their laughs.