Chapter Text
John had told himself that after that drink with Javier, he would leave.
He would abandon him without a word and he would effectively be done with everything that still tied him down to who he was when he was apart of the Van Der Linde gang and he would never have to worry about whatever the hell Javier wanted to do with himself.
It seemed that his age made him no more wiser and he could already hear Abigail's disdain for his idiocy.
Because Javier had not been abandoned, he had not been turned away, and he was in John's motel room.
The process of getting him there had not been fun.
Javier had a distinct appearance that tended to catch attention. After all, he looked near dead.
It was a lot of Javier practically huddled against John's taller frame and hiding curled like a roly-poly.
John was currently holding a pair of scissors that he tried his damndest to wash but something was clinging onto the silver that refused to go away. Hopefully, that wouldn't effect anything.
"We have to cut yer hair. Not much else we can do to change your appearance and your grease strands are yer definin' feature."
"'M not cutting my hair John," Javier was eyeing the scissors warily like John might suddenly decide to plunge the metal into his neck and he wasn't wrong. John was thinking about it but not because he hated Javier.
"The hell y'are. If yer comin' with me. 'M not hidin' you against my chest every time we go outside."
"You even know how to cut hair?"
"I know enough. Why th'hell are you being so vain? It's just your goddamn hair, it'll grow back."
Javier huffed, "you'll maim me."
"I'll certainly maim you if ya' keep actin' like a child."
"I didn't ask you to take me here. You--"
"Fuckin' Hell Javi, are ya' gonna fight me all the way to America? Let me cut yer stupid hair!"
"What, and let you make me more hideous than I already am?"
What was meant to be a light-hearted joke came out harsher and meaner than what was intended, a throaty growl, almost visceral, coming from Javier as he spoke.
John knew Javier wasn't vain.
Well, the Javier he knew wasn't vain.
Maybe he didn't really know him but it was unlike him to be so wrapped up in appearance, in presenting himself as something well...pretty. Palatable. John could only guess what was the main cause behind Javier's worries.
"It'll grow back and yer only makin' yer life harder by keepin' these goddamn strands. I've hacked off my hair more times than I can count and it grows back fine. Just let me do this for you. Please?"
John liked to think he wasn't begging. Just asking politely.
The way Javier looked at him was indescribable (or perhaps it was and John didn't want to take the time to think about it).
"Fine. Alright, fine. Jus' be careful."
"I never planned on not bein' careful. It's a haircut, 'm not hacking the strands to death."
John grabbed Javier's jaw carefully and moved him to the side as he began to cut off greased, dirty strands into a completely different style. It was a cut a farm hand would get to prevent the hair from sticking to their face.
Javier was quiet as he did so and John was praying for the first time in his life.
The warmth of Javier's face spread to his hand and John remembered why he had even considered men in the first place. Javier was sharp where he should be but he was so goddamn soft.
"You almost done?"
Javier's voice was softer than before.
John nearly pulled back from him quicker and harsher than necessary but he was older and able to tamper down the desire to do something impulsively, "almost got ya ready."
There was something unnecessarily intimate about touching Javier and it was starting to burn in the wrong way.
Javier was leaning into John's hand firmly planted on his jaw, the drowsiness from the slow cutting sinking it.
He was trying desperately to stay away with steady blinking but it didn't do him much favor. John thought he looked....
Well, more peaceful than he usually did.
More peaceful than when John found him, more peaceful than when they arrived at that run-down bar, and even still more peaceful than when John had brought him to this room.
It was too much and not enough and John needed to snap out of it.
He didn't care much if Javier was comfortable, he was just doing a job! He just wanted this damn cut to be done but Javier might slice his throat open if he didn't do this properly so properly he did. It was a moment of silent change between the two men and John was ready to shelve it for ....well, he didn't know when but certainly later.
"There."
He let go of Javier's face, perhaps quicker than he should have and started to push him towards the mirror.
Javier stopped him before he could see the reflection and turned to John.
"I don't need to see it."
"You sure? You seemed real picky before."
"Just take no for an answer, Marston."
John opened his mouth and then closed it just as quickly.
"Well.....alright. I told Abby I'd be back tomorrow."
"DIdja now?"
This was the worst part about Javier. His ability to understand John, to know exactly when he tried to pivot from moments like these, moments where Javier suddenly became too much like the sun.
John hadn't had a moment like that in a while.
"Yes. Yes, uh, I'll sleep on the floor. Since yer probably not used to a bed, might as well...be th'gentleman."
Javier wolf-whistled, "Has Hell frozen over?"
"I could send you there if ya' wanna find out," John shot back as lightheartedly as possible.
"'M good right here."
John tried not to take a breath too quickly and instead huffed out a laugh.
"Well, alright then."
It was so easy to turn everything into a joke.
A joke between friends.
Maybe this was too easy. Everything with Javier was always too easy.
Up until it hardened both their hearts completely.
Javier sat down on the bed and proceeded to lie down.
John immediately looked away.
"S cozy."
"If yer idea of cozy is a pile of rocks."
"That's how I know you've never slept on a pile of rocks, John."
"And you have?"
"It makes a firm mattress."
"God, you're ridiculous. Let me steal somethin' off the bed."
He didn't know if he could handle seeing Javier spread eagle on a bed just yet and he quickly went to work on a makeshift bed on the floor while avoiding eye contact with him completely.
"'M not gonna bite your head off."
Javier drawled lazily.
John sat down in his pile of sheets at the front of the bed and rested his head on the foot of it maintaining his lack of eye contact with Javier.
"Never said you was."
"So why ain't ya' looking at me?"
"Jus' tired."
"Uh-huh. Jus' tired."
It was another moment of Javier poking the bear but this time John just ignored it. He wouldn't give a reaction to the prodding at the past. At something that was...a was.
It didn't exist anymore.
It was stupid to believe that it could ever exist again.
Lives were too different and so much has changed.
"Goodnight, Javier."
John said with a finality in his tone that he hoped would be easily interpreted.
"Hmmhmm.."
was Javier's drowsy response.
John didn't go to bed until he was sure all movements in the bed above him stilled