Chapter Text
The hotel was as generic as they came; the corporate decor adorned the reception area, ran along the hallways, corridors and was used throughout all the rooms. For what was probably going to be one of the most important conversations of her life, Bernie found a sardonic amusement in the rather impersonal setting. In some ways it reminded her of hospitals and operating theatres and she also found an odd comfort in that. However, her surroundings were neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things. Alex was the most important element of the evening and as long as they sat down together and talked things through, she'd live with the rest of it. Bernie sat on one of the sofas in reception; her elbows rested on her denim-clad knees with her feet set apart in an attempt at a relaxed pose. She wore a casual, loose fitting flannel shirt and a lightweight jacket. The medic anxiously played with her mobile phone between her hands. She'd texted Alex to say that she'd arrived and was just awaiting confirmation that she was on her way to collect her.
***
Bernie had spent the rest of the afternoon after Alex’s visit deep in thought. She had been truthful when she'd said that her decision had been easier to make when Alex was but a memory of her time spent in Afghanistan. Now that they had seen each other in person, in her home town and right here in her office, it was so very difficult to ignore the pain in her chest and the feeling that she'd just thrown away the best thing to ever happen to her.
She really wasn't certain as to why she'd agreed to stay for Marcus. She still felt fondly of him but she'd not been in love with him for years, if ever. She had thought she did, had thought that was what it was supposed to feel like. Marcus had expressed his fear of losing her after her operation and Bernie had felt more guilty than she’d ever done so during their entire marriage. But when Alex had come along she'd understood her instinctively; all her little idiosyncrasies, moods and even when she went into ‘Major Wolfe’ mode. Marcus had never understood his wife, tolerated her quirks, verbally supported her endeavours when he had to but offered her no help to get there. His arguments always came back to her duty as a wife and mother, as though that was all she was allowed to be once she'd wed and birthed.
Two years ago Alex had simply caught her when she'd fallen and they'd grieved together for their lost comrade. The one Bernie hadn't been able to save, the one who had the same name as her youngest child and was almost the same age as the eldest. The event had affected them both and their close friendship had spilled over into something more.
Alex had split from her ex eighteen months previously after an acrimonious separation. Tanya had become increasingly flaky and unreliable for months, and whilst she had never been unfaithful, Alex wouldn’t have put it past her. It seemed it was more to do with the state of her mind than their relationship but it hadn’t made Alex feel any better about it. She'd tried to reach out and help, put Tanya in touch with the right people, but in the end it had been in vain.
Bernie had noticed Alex’s moroseness about the place and whilst not quite firm friends by that point, she'd made it her mission to cheer her up and get her through it. That had begun a weekly routine of a bite to eat and then spending the evening together, often playing cards or talking into the small hours. It didn't look too strange to their comrades as they were the two most senior medics and, as a Captain, Alex was effectively Bernie’s right hand. They'd found more in common than not; a shared dry sense of humour, a passion for the job and not to mention a fiery stubborn streak! They were both comfortable enough with each other to call them out on any bad decisions, both personally or professionally and not fear the other's wrath. Which is what happened the night of Daniel’s death.
Bernie had taken herself away from her team, having felt the full weight of responsibility on her shoulders. She assumed their blame but actually ended up cutting herself off from their support. Alex had surmised her reaction perfectly and went out into the night to find her. The older woman had been a tightly-wound ball of rage; at the unfairness of the world, at the disappointment in herself and was full of doubt about the decisions she'd made that day.
Bernie had initially shouted and screamed at Alex, embarrassed and angered by her presumption. But then, just as suddenly she fell into her arms, grief-stricken and spent. They'd sobbed together, messy and broken, before turning towards each other. It had been like they were seeing each other for the first time; their real selves, all the unspoken layers exposed and raw. If asked, neither could remember who had made the first move, it was just one of those moments where they had been completely in sync and simply came together in a passionate kiss. There was absolutely no hesitation as it was something they had subconsciously been leading up to for months.
They'd consummated their relationship that evening and hadn't looked back since.
***
Alex had given Bernie the courage to be herself, to confide in someone and to share the burden with. Bernie did the same for Alex too, she’d had her share of poor odds and bad outcomes to shoulder the responsibility for over the years. But now Bernie was nervous, concerned that her attempt to push Alex away had worked and that she’d gone too far down the line to convince her otherwise. Despite being a proud woman, the Major knew that a good and effective leader was also honest when she knew she’d been wrong. The phone vibrated in her hands and Bernie jumped at the surprise of it. A few moments later and the brunette had appeared in front of her. The younger woman held out her hand and smiled tightly.
“Come on.” Bernie swallowed down the last of her nerves and prepared to head into the fray. She stood and took the offered hand. However, instead of letting go, which was what Bernie had expected her to do, Alex held on and led her to her room, hand in hand.
They took a seat on the tiny settee to the side of the room. The distance between them felt wider than the few inches that they sat apart and Bernie wasn’t comfortable with it remaining that way.
“I'm sorry….” They both said simultaneously after a few moments of awkward silence.
“You go first,” offered Alex. She’d said her piece yesterday and was prepared to give Bernie a chance to explain herself properly.
“You weren’t here to tell me what an idiot I was being.” Bernie started ruefully. “I was a coward by not telling you before, because I knew you'd talk me out of it and then I'd have to tell Marcus and see his reaction for myself. Instead I hurt you and I can't live with that.” Bernie picked up Alex’s hand from across the sofa and looked into her eyes. “I choose you, I don't want to live without you.”
“I can't be messed about again Bernie, you know what I went through last time. If we do this, it's done, no going back.” Alex had had time to think things over too and she was forced to protect herself and her heart first and foremost. “Sometimes you're going to have to be ‘Brave Bernie’ instead of ‘Major Wolfe.’ You have to find the courage to tell Marcus yourself, that's not my problem. But I'll be here, waiting for you right afterwards.” She was forthright in her words but her tone was kind and supportive.
“You're right and I know that. I do. I can't lose you, or the team out there, any of it. You've become so much a part of me.” And it was the truth, Bernie had felt like she had lost a limb these past few weeks without knowing what was going on back at base, thinking she’d started a new life away from it all.
“For me too. Have you any idea what I've been going through these past few weeks? I've been trying to keep it all going without you but while I can get the job done, it's just not quite the same. We need your vision and your expertise. The way you demand the best on the job, the highest professionalism but are always the first to buy a round in the evening. And I need you. We're a partnership, a team; both on and off duty.” Bernie was humbled by Alex’s impassioned declaration.
“You'd fight for me?” Her tone was clearly surprised and Alex had thought that she'd proved it to her over the last couple of years.
“Yes, but only so far. I'm not going to chase someone who won't commit. You need to sort things out with Marcus, now, and tell me properly, wholeheartedly, how you feel about us. I nearly lost you because of that IED and I had absolutely no right to even know if you had survived your surgery. If you'd have died….” Alex became too choked up with emotion to continue.
“I didn't think… You'd have thought with all our experience I would have done. I'm sorry, and I promise you, here and now, that I won't ever let you go through that again.” Bernie squeezed the hand she was holding in reassurance and smiled gently at her lover. Alex smiled back briefly before turning serious once again.
“Do you mind…?” She asked Bernie as she placed her hand on the patch of bare skin exposed by her wide, open necked collar. There was no need to clarify what the younger woman had meant, considering the conversation they'd just been having. Bernie nodded her head and sat up straighter on the settee in order to take her top off. She lifted it from the hem, up and over her head, and placed it on the floor beside her.
Alex could never be shocked by any kind of post-surgery scar but there was something more fragile about the vertical pink line that ran from the bottom of Bernie’s ribcage, between her breasts and to the top of her breastbone where it met the clavicle. Alex didn't need to lecture Bernie about keeping the scar well moisturised to limit the boldness of it and to promote the elasticity of the scar tissue. It could end up quite tight and irritatingly dry otherwise.
“Hideous isn't it?” Bernie’s remark was in line with her usual dry wit but it also spoke volumes how self-conscious she was about it.
“Never! One of many battle scars you've earned through sheer bloody hard work, determination and length of service. Wear it with pride, not shame.” Alex bent her head forward and pressed affirming kisses along Bernie’s scar, from top to bottom. It wasn’t meant to be sexual or arousing but then Bernie tipped her head back and let out a long, loud sigh. Alex caught her bra-covered left nipple between her lips and flicked her tongue over it several times. A groan reached Alex’s ears and she stopped, suddenly conscious of what she was doing.
“Don't you dare stop!” Bernie barked out in classic command tones through her gritted teeth.
“But, what about..?” Alex knew that there were still several weeks of recovery time to get through before her lover could get back to normal. Bernie opened her eyes and caught Alex’s with intent.
“I'm fine, I won't break and I want this.” She looked pleadingly at Alex and the younger woman was unable to refuse. She moved her head so that she could capture Bernie’s lips in a rousing kiss, both women desperate to reconnect with each other after a long drought. However, Alex paused between rounds of kisses and looked at her lover pointedly.
“I love you Bernie Wolfe. I'm in love with you and I want you back out there with me. Side by side, just as it should be.”