Chapter Text
I was pulled from a restless sleep by an incessant pounding on my bedroom door.
I groaned rolling over and pulling the covers over my head, hoping whoever it was would just leave me alone.
That simple movement of rolling over made my head pound painfully, I rubbed at my eyes they felt puffy and I had to breathe threw my mouth. That's what I get for crying myself to sleep.
The violent knocking continued.
“Clarke!! Get!! Up!!” I heard Octavia yelling.
“Go away!” I called back, my own voice ringing horribly through my foggy head. I heard the door open.
“It's nine-thirty, you've gotta get up or you will be late!”
“Octavia, get out!!” I growled, throwing a pillow towards her head.
I missed. The pillow thudded to the ground, several feet short of the door. It worked though, she slammed the door shut.
I could hear her grumbling about 'just trying to help' and 'what's her deal?' Probably talking to Raven.
Ugh.
At the thought of Raven, I rolled back over, burying my face into my pillow. I shut my eyes tightly. Maybe if I just stayed here, they'd go away, maybe everything would.
I opened my eyes, hoping I would be somewhere else, maybe back home in my room, or on the beach of some exotic island.
No such luck.
I sighed, I needed to get up, Octavia was right. I searched my bed for my phone. I found it shoved under my pillow.
Great, I now had twenty minutes until my class started.
I sat up slowly, only to flop forward, face first with a groan. It was all too hard.
After a few more moments wondering if anyone would notice if I just stopped existing, I reluctantly dragged my aching body from my soft, warm bed. I didn't why all my muscles felt so weak or why my joints ached, but they did.
I slowly pulled yesterdays clothes off. I new I didn't have any time for a shower so I replased them with a pair of I found on the floor. I sniffed them first, to make sure they were at least semi clean. I then pulled on a UCLA sweater, hoping no one would notice the stains on the cuffs.
I sprayed dry shampoo through my oily hair, trying to revitalize it a little. It didn't work, it still looked limp and lifeless. I didn't care.
I checked my phone again, 10 minutes left. I fumbled around my room, searching for my book bag, not having the energy to lug my backpack with me. When I found it a grabbed the first notebook I saw and shoved it less than delicately into the bag. I didn't care that it was my Organic Chemistry notebook not my Anatomy one. Slinging the bag over my shoulder, I took a deep breath before leaving my room, sending a silent prayer to whatever deity was listening.
The apartment was quiet, Octavia must already be gone. Raven was sitting on the sofa scoffing what looked like a bowl of oatmeal. We both looked at each other, I'm sure I looked like a wide eyed deer caught in headlights. Raven again looked concerned.
We both started speaking a the same time awkwardly.
“Sorry you go,” Raven gestured towards me with her spoon.
“I was just going to say I'll see you later”
“Okay yeah see ya,” Raven shrugged focusing her attention again on the television. I sighed internally as I went to leave, relieved she hadn't brought up the previous days incident.
“Wait, Clarke?” She stopped me. Ugh I thought I'd gotten away free. “Are you okay Clarke?” She checked again.
“Yeah, I'm totally fine, just running late to class. Bye,” I waved awkwardly before scurrying out the door.
I dawdled to class, stopping to grab a coffee on the way, I was already late, what was another five minutes?
However by some miracle I still beat our normally prompt professor to class.
I trudged to the back of the room, passing Monty, who I would normally sit with. I felt his questioning gaze follow me as I slumped into a chair several rows behind him. I avoided making eye contact with him. I didn't need to see his hurt expression.
I already felt a little guilty, knowing he would probably think I was mad at him or something, but I didn't have the energy to worry about his feelings too much, he was kind he would forgive me.
As our professor began the lecture, I struggled to concentrate on his words, my eyes heavy. I started sketching, just to stay awake. There was only a certain number of times one could hear about how the mitochondria was the powerhouse of the cell, before it became redundant.
My phone vibrated against my stomach where it rested in the pocket of my hoodie, I subtly checked to see who it was.
The Squad
Hells Bells: Party at mine friday night
RandyReyes: Whoo whoo who's supplying??
Jazzyboy: Monty and I of course!
RandyReyes: oh sweet jesus
Octagon: Guess that means you'll be staying on Bell's couch then R? ;)
RandyReyes: Why??
Hells Bells: Do you not remember what happened last time Raven??
Octagon: huehuehuehue
RandReyes: stfu O you were with me it was partly your fault that we got lost!!
Hells Bells: how you two got so damn lost walking home i'll never know.
Jazzyboy: Lucky I was around to save the day
Monty: Shuuush I'm in class, trying to actually learn!!!
Monty: oh and Jasper, whatever, I was the one who found them.
Jazzyboy: pfffttt lies
Octagon: Where is Griff at? She's very quiet.
Octagon: Clarke are you aliiiive???
Jazzyboy: earth to Clarke??
I smirked a little at the memory of a heavily intoxicated Raven and Octavia trying to stumble home to our apartment but getting lost. How, I don't know, the walk from Bellamy's isn't very far, but they managed to end up on the other side of the campus. An almost equally drunk Jasper had set out to rescue them followed by Monty. I, the more intelligent of the three, passed out on Bellamy's bed.
I put the conversation on do not disturb, not having the energy to keep up with my friend's wit this early in the morning. Instead I opened tumblr, giving up any pretense of listening to the professor, I hoped Monty would let me borrow his notes later.
I was surprised to see three new messages. One from an anon asking when I would be posting my next fanart and the other two from the user I'd been talking to the day before.
Rosesareredvioletsarelesbians answered your question Hey didn't hear back from you just hoping everything went okay and you made it home safely.
Rosesareredvioletsarelesbians asked you a question I know I am probably just worrying but I haven't seen you post anything since yesterday and I'm a little concerned, please let me know you are alright.
Lexa
A smile tugged at my lips, it was nice to have someone who cared, even though she didn't know me.
Artistsdoitbetter answered rosesareredvioletsarelesbians Hey Lexa! So sorry for the late reply I fell asleep as soon as I got home and only just saw your messages. I briefly saw Raven this morning before coming to class, she didn't really say anything. I'm in class at the moment but I cant concentrate :( my heads a mess. I am really sorry if I made you worry.
I spent the rest of the lecture on tumblr and trying to come with a reason why I couldn't go to Bellamy's party on Friday night. I couldn't say I was sick, I used that excuse last weekend, the weekend before I'd said I had extra study to do. That excuse wasn't easily believed by my friends the first time it certainly wasn't going to fly a second time. They would soon start to question what happened to 'party girl Griffin'. Sometimes I wonder what happened to her, I use to excitedly anticipate the weekend, loving to party and drink with my friends, but now I dreaded it.
Ever since I started questioning my sexuality parties made me nervous. I knew drinking made my tongue loose. I was always afraid that I would slip up, say something I wasn't supposed to, or do something I wasn't supposed to, and out myself.
I sighed running a hand through my hair, regretting it as I was left with a layer of oil on my palm. Gross.
Okay maybe I should have washed my hair. Eh I didn't have the energy to care too much, I was in class, that was an achievement in itself. I wasn't exactly listening buuut it was something.
I hoped I would learn something via osmosis since I spent the rest of the class staring at my phone.
Rosesareredvioletsarelesbians asked you a question Oh I am so relieved to hear that you are alright! You should really be concentrating on your class Clarke but I understand how hard it can be to concentrate when your mind is otherwise occupied, I know the inner turmoil you are feeling. It isn't easy keeping things from those we are close to. Try not to be too hard on yourself, give yourself time.
I wanted to believe her but just couldn't. I tapped out a reply knowing I was probably sounding melodramatic, but it was how I felt.
Artistsdoitbetter replied to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians Time is something I feel like I haven't got. I feel like Raven or someone else will figure it out or I'll go crazy and tell someone.
I was surprised when everyone suddenly stood up and began filing out of the room. I had been so absorbed by my phone I didn't even notice the professor dismiss the class.
I gathered my things and began to leave. One class down three more to go.
“Clarke.” I looked up to see Monty waiting outside the room for me.
“Hey Monty,” I greeted and kept waking. Monty scurried along next to me.
“Want to walk to class together?” He asked looking hopeful.
“If it's okay I'll just meet you there, I've got to go back home and get a few things.
“Oh okay, no worries, are you alright Clarke?” He questioned cocking his head to the side. I wish people would stop asking me if I was okay.
“Yeah I'm fine, ill see you in a little bit.” I smiled, hoping it was convincing and patted his arm.
By the time I made it to my next class, I was late again and much to my relief the only seat left was on the other side of the room away from Monty. I excused myself and sat down.
From Monty
Sorry tried to save you a seat.
To Monty
Thanks.
The class passed the same as the one before. I tried to focus I really did, but nothing was making sense and my mind kept drifting away, until it was an hour into the class and I had zero idea what the professor was even talking about. It might as well have been in a foreign language. I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to learn anything, even if I tried to pay attention. I hadn't done any of the readings, I was too far behind.
So I ended up staring at my phone again. My battery was going to die before the end of the day if I kept going this way.
Rosesareredvioletsarelesbians asked you a question I don't mean to push you in any way but have you considered telling someone? Even if it is just one person, someone you trust. It might help to have someone to talk to, it might quieten the voices in your head. I know they used to torment me at night. With no one to talk to I was always over thinking every small detail.
I mulled over her advice. I knew she was probably right. Telling someone like Raven or Octavia would probably be such a relief but the fear of their unknown reactions stopped me. Deep down I knew it most likely wouldn’t change anything between us, but there was that small irrational part of me that worried. What if they weren't excepting? What if they stopped changing in front of me, or didn't want to share a bed with me? What if they thought I liked them? God that would be so embarrassing! The look on Raven's face was still fresh in my mind, I didn't want to see her look at me that way again.
Artistsdoitbetter replied to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians Yeah I know you're right, I really want to tell them. I just can't, not yet. Maybe I could keep talking to you about it? If you don't mind? I think it helps.
While I waited for her reply I actually looked through her blog for the first time. She was 20 and lived in New York City. I soon realized her blog was dominated by pictures of pretty girls, cute dogs and nature. I hit the follow button quickly.
I made a mental note to stalk her tags when I was on my laptop later, and see if she had any selfies. Only because I wanted to know if the girl in the profile picture was actually her and totally not because I thought she looked insanely beautiful... definitely not.
Class was almost over before she replied again.
Rosesareredvioletsarelesbians asked you a question Sorry for the slow reply Clarke I was in class. Yes of course Clarke, I'll help in anyway I can and answer any questions you have if I'm able too.
Artistsdoitbetter replied to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians Shit sorry I didn't mean to distract you, just because I'm not paying any attention and not learning anything doesn't mean you shouldn't! Sorry! If you dont mind me asking, what are you studying?
I felt a little bad for bothering her but I had so many questions I wanted to ask her. I wanted to ask her how and when she knew she was gay but I thought I should start with something I little less private instead of jumping right into it.
My last class of the day finished and I once again dodged Monty on my way out. Why was he in so many of my classes??
I dragged myself back home, ready do hide from the world again. Sitting in class and not listening to a word said can be exhausting. I felt like I knew less about my subjects than before I left home that day, if that was possible. I hadn't heard from Lexa again and was slightly disappointed every time I checked my phone and no new messages appeared.
“Hey Clarke!” Octavia called as I walked in. “You alright? You didn't reply to any of our group messages today?” Octavia questioned. I looked at Raven who had her legs drapped across Octavia's lap. She looked at me her face crinkled with worry. I felt my insides churn and a lump form in my throat.
“Ah yeah sorry, just a busy day, I'm super tired, didn't sleep well last night”
“Oh okay, well we are going to go get dinner soon, you want to come?” Raven questioned, looking hopeful. I couldn't go, I just couldn't.
“Probably not sorry” I Started walking towards my bedroom. “I'm really tired, headache, you know I might go sleep it off” I closed the door behind me before they could say anything else.
I sighed and collapsed onto my bed again my eyes closing. A few minutes later there was a gentle knock on the door, so I knew it wasn't Octavia.
“Clarke can I come in?” Her voice was gentle.
“I guess” I called back
The door creaked open and I heard her shuffle into the room. She closed the door behind her, plunging the room back into darkness. I stayed facing away from her, not bothering to role over and look at her.
I felt the bed dip as she sat next to me, I could feel her eyes on me. I didn't say anything, because I didn't know what to say.
“Clarke I know you're not okay” She paused. “I know something is going on, I'm not going to make you tell me, but when you're ready Clarke I'm here okay? Whatever it is I'll be here. I know its sappy and Octavia would slap me for being gross but I love you Griff and nothing will change that”.
I didn't answer, I couldn't. I felt hot tears on my cheeks and my throat tightened even more as I held back sobs. Why did she have to be so nice?? It only made this harder.
I managed to nod, hoping she saw. She silently left the room. I wanted to go after her, I wanted to throw my arms around her and tell her everything, but I didn’t.