Chapter Text
Maya left the hospital after walking Carina back to her office and headed straight for the bookstore. She’d agreed to read the twins a bedtime story and she wanted to do one that was new to them all, instead of picking one out of the many books the twins already had. She walked around the bookstore’s children’s section trying to pick, which was harder than she had anticipated because she wasn’t sure what their interests were. She could call Carina and ask, she knew Carina would be happy to help her with this, but she wanted to do this on her own. To prove to herself that she could do this on her own. Eventually she decided on a chapter book about the Greek gods, figuring that they could all read it over the course of a few weeks.
After Maya bought the book, she headed for the apartment she was renting month to month. It didn’t feel like home, but she did appreciate the quiet that came with it. She was able to think about what was going on in her life without feeling like she was letting anyone down. As she was heading up her stairs, she thought she might go on a long run, to expel the nerves she had about the OB appointment and tonight. She found Andy standing outside her apartment, clearly waiting for her to get home.
“Hey,” Maya called out.
Andy snaps her head up from her phone and gives Maya a smile, “hey, where you been? I tried knocking.”
“I went to Carina’s OB appointment and then the bookstore,” Maya said holding up the bag from the bookstore as if she needed to prove herself to Andy.
“Really? That’s great,” Andy says beaming.
Deliberately missing what Andy was happy about, Maya shrugs, “it’s just a run to the bookstore.”
“Not the bookstore,” Andy says waving that information away, “going to Carina’s OB appointment.”
“Yea, that was,” Maya wasn’t sure how to articulate how she felt about the appointment. There was something familiar about it, but she couldn’t put her finger on it.
“Intense?” Andy suggested.
Maya put the key in the lock not wanting to have this conversation in the hallway, “yea,” she pushed the door opened and let Andy in first, “and I hate to sound like a dudebro looking for a way out, but there really is a baby in there.” She closed the door and went into the little kitchen area and set the bookstore bag on the counter and looked over at Andy.
Andy laughs, “there sure is. And not a dudebro, I felt the same way pregnant with Miller.”
Maya felt a bit better about that, “what brought you over?”
“Just checking in,” Andy said before hopping up on the counter, and holding up a manual Maya hadn’t noticed in her hand before, “and I thought you might want to get some study practice in.”
“Actually, could we do that another day?” Maya asks, “I could come by the station tomorrow when you are on shift. I just have something I need to do today.”
“Yea,” Andy says, “no problem. Anything I can help with?”
Maya feels her cheeks heat up at the question, “no, I’m just going over to the house tonight to have dinner with Carina and the twins. I’m gonna stay and read a bedtime story to them. And I want to be good at this. And…” Maya feels more embarrassment at admitting she was planning on practicing reading the book she had chosen.
“And?” Andy prompts.
Maya pulls out the book from the bag, “I was gonna practice.” Andy smiles, not in a pitying way, but in understanding, but Maya could also tell that she was missing something, so she asks, “what?”
“You aren’t actually big on traditional bedtime stories,” Andy says slowly.
“What do you mean?” Maya asks not sure what that means.
“You make up a lot of bedtime stories,” Andy says.
“Make up?” Maya repeats baffled, “like inventing new stories?”
“Well, no, more like taking calls you’ve been on and making them child friendly and fun. I think you took the idea from me telling you that my dad would set up his radio at night after my mom… left. And instead of lugging a radio home, you just tell them stories about calls.”
Maya breathed in and out deeply twice before speaking, “how the hell am I supposed to do this then? I have no reference on what a good story would be. I mean I figured I could at least practice voices or whatever the hell with a book. But to tell them about a call interesting enough to be a story worth telling but not give tehm nightmares. And not talk about the calls that ended in multiple fatalities. What the hell? How am I supposed to do that in,” Maya looks down at her watch, “in less than six hours?”
Andy hopped off the counter and came over to Maya, “breath Maya, in for five out for five. With me,” and she takes a deep breath in and holds and exhales and Maya follows her breathing pattern.
Several more ins and outs go by before Maya speaks again, “Andrea already hates me and I’m sure Emilia is just as iffy. If I can’t do this, how am I supposed to go back to being their mom?”
“What makes you think they hate you?” Andy asks.
“The last time I was over there, Andrea was angry at me for leaving. That I wasn’t coming home, and he was mad at me because Carina was sad now. And Emilia was asleep, but how could she not feel the same way as her brother does?”
Andy gives Maya’s hands a tight squeeze, “they are young. They don’t really understand what is happening. There’s only so much you can explain to them at that age, what would really make sense to them. And I know that both you and Carina are doing the best you can. Not wanting this to be any more confusing than it already is. Carina would tell you if things needed to be different for the sake of your children. She is a mama bear that one, she doesn’t play with her babies.”
“No?” Maya asks wanting to talk Andy at her word, because she had worried that Carina wasn’t telling her everything and that she was doing more harm than good to their children.
“No,” Andy promises, “we could talk about what story to tell them. I’ve heard a lot of the ones you have told in the past. Or you could think of one and we can make twin appropriate?”
Maya nods along at Andy’s suggestion, “okay. A story from a shift interesting enough to be a story, but not so scary it’ll scar them for life.”
“Exactly,” Andy agrees, “any stories coming to mind.”
“Being cooked alive in the garage could be a good one,” Maya muses.
“I think that’s a favorite,” Andy laughs, “usually the really scary is edited out.”
“So, I don’t mention that the plan to get us out of the garage had a high probability of killing us,” Maya asks.
“It really hasn’t come up much,” Andy shrugs, “maybe when they are in high school and fire physics makes more sense it will dawn on them.”
“The skating rink could be funny. I mean it was ridiculous for sure, skating around a Zamboni with fire extinguishers,” Maya says thinking out loud for a story that maybe she hadn’t already told the twins a bunch of times.
“What skating rink?” Andy asks sharply.
“I guess you weren’t on that call. It was Jack, Vic, and Travis and,” Maya stops talking and looks over at Andy, “your husband, Sullivan he was there too. He wanted to know who would have my job. I guess I was going somewhere. Maybe?”
“You remembered that?” Andy asks.
“Not where I was going or why he wanted my job?” Maya says, “it’s been happening a lot lately. It’s jumbled. I can remember that something happened, but the before and after is just gone. No context.”
“Have you talked to Carina about it?”
“I told her about remembering her brother dying and flashes I have had here and there. And like told you early, the hospital, today, it felt like I had experienced it before. I just,” Maya holds her hand up and curls her fingers as if around the memory before letting her hand open again, “but then nothing.”
“That’s great, Maya. Remembering anything is amazing,” Andy trying to hype up Maya about the fact she was remembering bits and pieces.
“It would be better if I remembered the context,” Maya disagrees, “like if I can just remember the before and after of one moment, it’ll all just come back.”
Andy nods slowly, “I hear that. And maybe it will be like that.”
“But” Maya says knowing her friend isn’t going to agree with her about this.
“Life isn’t about perfection. It’s got a lot of mess and lot of turns. It doesn’t need to be perfect,” Andy says.
“Carina,” Maya begins then stops, Carina had never asked for perfection from her. Not once.
“It’s okay, Maya, if it doesn’t all come back,” Andy assures her.
Maya looked over at the bookstore bag with the book inside, maybe it didn’t have to be perfect. Maybe she could try something different. Maybe Andy was right and maybe it didn’t always have to be perfect.